I sit and ponder about everything to be
I wonder how things will turn out
And all of the people I will see
I worry that I'll look back on my life
And see many things that brought me less than glee

I wish that I had all of the answers
To all if the questions in my head
I hold myself to several standards
That I'm not sure I can accomplish
All I want is to be successful without all of the answers

I think of you
You know i do
Even though I shouldn't

I just want a kiss
But everything else I'd miss
I just want to touch you

Why am I so conflicted?
This shouldn't be so hard to figure out
It's a yes or no question
Why is it so difficult to decide?
Should I ask my parents
To take me to therapy?
Or should I just keep writing down my feelings
In a book no one will ever see?
I've spent months trying to decide
But I can't make a decision
Will the person really care?
Or just give me a mouthful of *******?
It's easy for me to tell strangers my feelings
So why is it so hard for me to go?
Ugh
I need help
But I'm too scared to ask

Why do I feel this way?
It's so unusual
I am actually
Truly
Happy


I know that this is a good thing
Why do I keep thinking
It will go away so quickly?
Maybe it's because I'm never happy for long.

Though this is a different kind of happy
This is the one where i actually feel as if
I'm going to be okay

Just one more
Maybe five
I can never reach my goal
It keeps getting lower

Today is the first time in a while
A full meal was eaten
My tummy got full
But maybe too much
It's like I can feel myself getting
Bigger

I don't like it
I wish it would stop
But I let it keep happening
It's like I've lost control

My ribs
My collarbone
They are becoming more visible
How is no one noticing?
Do they just not care?

All I need
Is for someone to care
For someone to assure me
That everything will be fine
In the end

I need someone to tell me
I'm beautiful
But I need it to be believable
I'm sorry if you've told me before
And I didn't believe you

These voices in my head
They're tearing me apart
They might end up being the death of me
Whether it be starving
Or I pull the trigger

I wish it would all be over
I wish I would be happy with myself

I'm 10 under my initial goal
But now it's 10 lower
How much longer will this go on?

Someone please help me

If only I were someone else
If only I weren't here

If only I could die
If only no one would care

If only i had the courage
If only i could pull the trigger

It was just you and me
Sitting on a bus
And I was acting funny
I told you the things
You never wanted to hear
From me

You started getting mad
You started yelling
You begged me to rethink this
Us
Everything
You were so concerned

I started messing with you
I feel horrible about it
I was just upset
And now all I want to say to you
Is that I am truly sorry
I didn't think it would
Hurt that bad
Just know I am truly sorry

When I was younger I used
to think
I'd be the cheerleader
all the boys want
I used to think of
being the popular girl
with a perfect family
and no doubts about life
I used to think that
kids like me
were weird

Now I sit here
and think about life
But now I don't see much
of a future
My veins are hurting
I want to see their blood
but I don't
because I don't want to see the therapist
my father threatened me with
If you really look
the scars are still there
waitin to be broken open

Now I'm thinking
of the food I just ate
And it's lingering in the back of my throat
while I'm debating if it should come back up

Now I look in the mirror
at myself
with pity
I feel sorry for the girl
from what seems long ago
who though she would have
the perfect life
Without all these thoughts
and pain

I wear a jacket almost ever day
To hide the little bit
Of my stomach poking out
I notice flat tummies
So I cross my arms over mine

I usually put my hair in my face
So people won't notice my dorky glasses
Sometimes I try to go without them
But its hard to see and read things

I wear a lot of makeup
As an attempt to hide the imperfections of my face
I don't like going without it because
I feel people always stare

I know everyone has things
They don't like about themselves
And you may think differently
But if you try and tell me
I end up not believing you
I think you're just lying to me
So I'll feel better about myself

School is not a very fun place for me
Yes, I have many friends
Yes, it can be fun
Most of the time it just feels awkward

When I sit with people I know
It feels as if I'm not wants there
Most of the time I am just ignored
So I'll just read or think to myself

We are both in love
But not with each other
While I'm thinking if you
You're thinking of her

You say you dont want to be like strangers
Yet I know nothing about you
And you know almost everything about me
You are a stranger to me
Even though it isnt what you wanted

People love to learn
But they hate going to school
This is a problem

Why is it so hard to sleep?
I lie down in my bed
Eyes shut tight
Sleepiness is in my head
Yet I can never sleep

I want to paint with all of the colors known to man
I want to get all of my feelings out
I feel as though I am trapped inside of myself
Trying to find a way out

I'd rather stick to writing
Painting just doesn't work for me
I feel it is easier to say how you feel
Rather than show it

I know you feel unloved
I know you feel that no one cares
I know you want to die

But know that I love you with all of my heart
Know that I will always care
Know that if you die, I won't last long after

I just want to sleep
But I am thinking of you
Therefore I can't sleep

I miss you

I miss the way you used to smile whenever you saw me

I miss you

I miss the way you stared into my eyes with so much love

I miss you

I miss the way we kissed with so much passion

I miss you

I miss the eyes that are so blue i could just swim in them

I miss you

I have someone else now, but i can't get over you

I miss you

I just want you out if my head

But

I miss you