Brianna

Brianna Oct 2015

The sky was so clear this morning I could have connected the dots from the Little Dipper to the Big Dipper.

As I drove home from the cafe on the corner... I remembered something I couldn't quite believe I forgot.

I remember the way the morning air felt when we walked across the lawn. After the rain had fallen so hard we could smell the freshness the next day.

I remember the brightness in your eyes when you looked at the map and pointed at this random dot with some strange name and said this was to be our next big adventure.

I remember the smell of your hair as we cuddled under the stars on a clear night just like this morning...

I remembered this because you were there... You were the reason I could connect the dots of constellations so far away.
You were the reason I wasn't afraid of random dots on a map.
You were the reason the rain made me smile...

I just smiled and drove home to think about you... And I hope you're doing okay.

#love #sad #adventure #happy #rain #nature #you #missing #maps #dots

Brianna Oct 2015

Cursing in cursive

I am cursing the rain in bright black and grey ink in beautiful cursive writing. I know you're questioning how black and grey can be bright but If you don't know, you'll never know.

I am painting sunsets on canvas but with pastels instead of neons. It's almost a bit too sad instead of a bit to happy; so fitting for a sun that's disappearing, right ?

I am swallowing pills mixing them with liquor, testing out theories to see if I can find the right way to write. All I see is blurry candle light and a dragon on my wall telling me my writing *****.

And it's sad to think how pessimistic this poem started but how within a 15 minute drive home I've come to see....

That all the rain cleared up the night sky and out came those glimmering ***** of fire we call stars. I've caught myself staring but I always have different emotions with each glance.

Tonight..I guess the world isn't so sad after all.

#paint #rain #art #stars #night #painting #pessimist #skies #optimist #sketching

Brianna Oct 2015

Stuff for stories

I left my heart in the ocean that night and watched it float away in a glass bottle with a note that said I loved you once.

As I sat on the shore watching the rough waves overtake this innocent bottle I remember how you told me I wasn't like most girls.... Quite the common phrase of boys these days.

You'll be the first to notice I said "boys" not "men" because men don't **** with girls. Men deal with women and men treat women right. Boys tend to break girls hearts and then blame them.

Slowing turning in deep ocean waters at this point I am sure the bottle would have something to say about being treated with disrespect.

I'm sure it would tell me that being ignored for months at a time isn't love. That begging for you to talk to me at 3 am isn't love. That sleepless nights waiting for you to tell me you missed me wasn't love.

And I'm sure that bottle would rather lose that note than ever make it to your side of the states. And if it ever did make it over there and chance that you found it, it would break in your hands.

There would be glass stuck in your finger tips as your tried to read the note that once held the words I wished you'd say allowed but instead all you would see is smudged writing and maybe "thanks for nothing" scrawled across the bottom.

But we know that would never happen because, like you and I, that's just stuff stories are made of.

#love #broken #stories #ocean #bottles #deep #breaking #glass #men #states

Brianna Sep 2015

September and Chinese food

She sat in her kitchen in her underwear, eating left over Chinese food contemplating when life got this hard.

She couldn't remember the feeling of skin against skin or lips against lips. She couldn't remember the heat of someone else's body touching hers or if there was more than just involved.

She sat there with a blank piece of paper and a purple pen in hand... Contemplating if she should write a poem or her final goodbye note.

She couldn't remember a time where she didn't feel undesirable or ugly. She couldn't remember a moment where self hatred wasn't causing nonstop fear of being alone forever.

As she sat there in her kitchen, eating leftover Chinese food, staring at blank papers she started to cry. She started to wonder when things would eventually look up.

#love #depressing #sad #lonely #alone #lust #food #bodies #heat #chinese

Brianna Sep 2015

Stuck at a crossroads

Shimmering mountain and bright lakes call my name into the great unknown.
I have wandered to far to get caught in a crossroads with no right answer.

If I go right towards society my life will be scattered and I will fall back into the viciousness of routine. I will fall backwards towards the life I ran away from.

If I go left I will find the wild trees growing into the clouds and the forest ground covered in moss. I will eventually hit the ocean where I can sit upon soft white sand wishing for sunsets with answers.

If I turn around and go back the way I came... Well ... I suppose I will have made this journey for no reason except to get lost. I will have wasted valuable time most would say.

But who said at a cross roads you had to pick a path already created for you? Who said you couldn't... I don't know, make your own path?

Bright, shining water and clouds so white and scattered across the sky like your favorite watercolor. I said forget the norm and made a new path.

#lost #thoughtful #nature #mind #wonder #wandering #mountains #stuck #crossroads #paths

Brianna Sep 2015

Vicious love

I don't want your annoying apologies or to hear your fake excuses anymore. I don't want your sorry eyes and charming devilish smile near me.

I don't want to fall in love with you again and again to be let down again and again. I don't want this chaotic, messy relationship anymore.

I always have believed that love should be messy. That it should be so overwhelming with passion and desire it drives you mad. That you should cry and smile and laugh with someone in the worst and best situations.

But I've now experienced the chaos.
I've had the pleasure of crying when you wouldn't talk to me for months for no reason.
I've had the pleasure of smiling when you decided that it was time to apologize again and draw me back in.
I've had the pleasure in laughing at myself for being an idiot and laughing at you for allowing yourself to say what you said.

And in all of this... I've decided...

***** the chaos.
I still want the passion and the romance but whoever said it should be messy to be real was an idiot.

#love #passion #madness #longing #mad #overwhelming #chaos #vicious #wonderful

Brianna Sep 2015

Falling asleep in bars

I've been falling asleep in the back of the bar lately & I am not sure which way is up and which way is down.
"He" leads me down the stairs to the parking lot and rips my dress off me like its ***** laundry... But who he is... I don't even know.

It's been long enough for me to move on and get over you but there's something in the way the light shines against my hands that makes my heart ache.

You aged like wine and I aged like moldy cheese but we never found the perfect combination to keep us together.

I've been falling asleep in bars... And the bartender told me I can't come back anymore.
"He" took me home... But where that is.... I don't even know.

I don't think we were meant to end quite yet but you took two steps back with each one of my steps forward. I leapt before I could even crawl let alone walk.

You are still perfectly unhappy and I'm still researching the meaning of life... And even though part of me doesn't want you back... The other part of me still wants one last kiss.

I've been falling asleep in bars since i returned back west & I don't know if I'm just exhausted or miserable these days... But man... I hate beer.

#love #depressed #alone #falling #*** #miserable #beer #asleep #bars #parking