I wore your coat today
It gives me the illusion
that we are more
than just abusers
It wasn't until now that I realized
affection isn't the same as love
I've adapted as a user
so I could be a player in their game
Trading cannabis for kisses
to deprived my body of its senses
Everything I touch feels fuzzy and dull
None of this can be real
I keep my eyes closed
as I am dragged down
in a haze of pleasure
I let you move me to your desire
To have someone take control over me
brought relief over my chest
I felt useful for there was no time
to over think our motives
Please take me in
I'll let you have all of me
Show me what's it like to be loved
I can't tell the difference anymore
I know what's happening
but I don't want it to stop
Cause I am not here
My body may be on the bed
but my mind is somewhere else
I flinch at the touch of your lips smothering me
They are different from his
You brush over my scars like they were nothing
like they weren't some hellish thing I endure
I have no response for the selfish suggestions
you whisper in my ear
Cause I'm tried and we both
just want our fix
I could feel the hunger in your grip tighten
reluctant to stop
You never asked
but I didn't say no either
cause affection makes us feel loved
even if we aren't

A Bullet to Her Name

She thrives on control
for her being in control, even for a minute
made it appear that she had some sort of stability in her life
like she knew what she was doing

Change was a struggle of hers
its a goal that can best reflect her deepest desires
A dreamer with endless curiosity of the world she inhabits
and exactly where she fits in with it
Yet her own self doubt will stop her every time
from trying to discover her inner purpose

Her weakness of intimacy
is a walking caution sign that warns
If you dare get close to her
you might want to back the *******
She doesn't know what its like to be in love
only that it relates to the abundance of commitment issues
that she bravely drags along behind her
from all her previous lovers

Her problems are paper chains of chaotic messes
all connected in some way that leads up to who she is
A difficult mind that only gets more complicated
the further she lets you in
Many will leave her
for only few can handle
the unpredictable, raw, impulsive person
she can be

No more
will these things be a part of her
For the first time in-- probably ever
she welcomes positivity with open arms
and tries to embrace her true potential
Discovering that taking the step in becoming
a better person doesn't mean
having control
understanding what she fears
or through another person to determine

It starts with being pitiless in
facing her own problems head on, reaching out and
beating her insecurities with a smile on her face
No, her efforts are not for anyone else to comprehend or to take part in
There for her
and for her to be selfish
in taking all the time required to do so
at her own pace

I was trying to pump
this dead desire
with the sour taste of denial
into both of our hearts
so I could feel
what we could of had.
But I had to stop and let you go
cause even then
Our souls still wouldn't be able to find each other

No matter how hard I try
I will never be able to express my feelings and gratitude
I have for you
You left a mark the size of a teardrop
hidden within my one-of-a-kind mind
I can't describe what its purpose is
but it has the tendency to relinquish the aura of you
at the times I need it the most
and I could sit here
and write words a pound words trying to unravel this phenomenon
but instead
I found out the best types of feelings are the ones
you can't understand
regardless of how hard you try
I miss you.
and I know we whispered it before behind closed doors
but I try to ease this repetitive beat
that won' let up but only increase in hunger every time
the image of your smile
creeps into my thoughts...Yet I can't make it stop
It's the nostalgia numbness you get that
radiated throughout your whole body when
death dares you to loosen your grip from your fingertips
The waking up from a dream and being disappointed
that you can't steal the part that you feel is a representation
of your destiny with you.
It's going on a trip and forgetting you camera
your only option is to be stuck capturing moments
in you mind
but will never be able to conceal them on the wall
yes we can carry on but every once in a while
you know something is missing
but you can't quite put your finger on it.
You were more than just a listening ear
I could turn to
You provided me a safe reassurance that I'm not alone
and you accepted every aspect of me
every little flaw, mistake, and accomplishment
and I'm sorry you had to be the right person
at the wrong time.
But this isn't about wanting you back
it's an emotional bond I never had
with anyone else
and I'm glad I found someone
I could share it with

Without you here
I can't help but to wonder
what it must be like to live on the Otherside
We are separated into two
While we collide at times
we mix as good as oil and water.
How do you manage
to hide your feelings so well?
They're bury deeper
than my black light will show.
As much as I envy the Otherside
I always ache that we could be intertwined.
That way neither of us will have to sacrifice
what we can not change.
But I'm not like the others on My side.
While they enjoy the company of hollow sounds
I'll rather die than be left all alone.
Very much like yourself.
But you will never show that emotion
that could potentially leave to conflict and commotion.
Cause even though I speak in "I'm fines"
I'll be lying, cause I
could never live on the Otherside.

No one wants to be too hard too love.
It seems we have been running this endless circle of
Impressing and Disappointment.
We try till our own self reflection in the mirror
is no longer the sweet nothings they promised us
but how we truly see ourselves being as.
It's a cold reminder
that is way beyond trying to "fit in"
and more about finding who we really are
who we want to be
through the eyes of another human being.
Yes we can be dependent sometimes
but its only cause they told us
no one would ever love us
unless we love ourselves first.
And I'll be ****  to think
that version has to consist of
closing myself off from the rest of the world.
Cause honestly?
How could you love yourself
if the mere thought of being left alone
scares the hell out of you.

Last night
I was intrigued with the idea that you cared about me.
I've been debating if it was really worth all those times
I spent with my finger over your name
in my contacts to call.
Each time I had to convince myself that I should never rely on you
considering that we became indifferent since I confessed my confusion for leading you on, in the most innocent way.
I didn't think you would just cut off all the emotional bonds we had.
Cause even though we were just friends in my mind
I was the saving grace in yours
and I hope to god that one day you could save me
from myself too.
But I resisted to open up the deepest parts of me.
That's not what you do when someone else is spilling their heart,
to overpower their issues with your own pathetic problems that couldn't compete.
So I kept my mouth shut,
and listen intensively.
I always wanted to be the first person you would come
running to when something went wrong.
Not because I envy your other friends
but because I thought if anyone could understand you
It would be me.
This was nothing short of a therapist session.
You trusted me to your core.
Or at least that's what you made me believe.
Yet when our friendship strained
and the yelling became more about
what our expectations for one another couldn't match up with,
I knew more than ever
that it was all based on a lie.
I haven't seen you for a while
and I don't know what it is that I miss
but I do know that I can't find one thing I fully have faith in
from all the words that you swore to have spoken to only me
without thinking about it twice.
So there I was, an emotional wreck.
With the lump of a pill to hard to swallow
and trembling fingers as I scroll over your name
as I pressed, actually pressed the call button.
I could barely hear the rings over my own shatter breathing.
It ringed not once, not twice, but four ******* times
when I decided that I shouldn't be calling you.
Pressing the end button as makeup smear tears fell onto the screen.
You question why I called you.
Was it with concern? pity? Or was it because you felt obligated to ask
what was wrong
as a way of repaying back for all those times I have asked you.
I didn't want to open up and act like I needed you, but in that moment
I did and all I could hear from your voice inside my head was
criticism and annoyance.
And It hit me hard in the pit of my stomach,
that I was just another girl to you with the same cliché story
of being in the middle of a nervous breakdown
that can only been given temporary relief from cigarette kisses
all in this poor attempt to seek your unwilling attention.
When you replies became silent
for whatever reason it might of been
It killed a part of my inside.
Cause I never would of left you alone
If you were in my place.
Friends we are,
but I guess I only can get that kind of satisfaction
If we were something more.
No longer will I believe you anymore.
Next time when you tell me
that I can trust you with anything,
I'll simply ignore the far fetch attempts of concern
and trade them in for a more permanent solution.
It won't leave me any better off, but at least it will always be there, whenever I truly need it.

When I walked away
from all the ones that cause me to hurt
I thought I was doing myself a favor

Not once did I thought I would come running back
with new burdens that prove not only my dependency
but also my fears that lurk with in the depths of myself

It lead me down a different path of pain
sleep was my only relief from the criticism that lives in my head
cause time went faster when you turn off the lights at three in the afternoon
to calm the temporary gut wrenching ache of emptiness

So I lay here with tears streaming down my face
and the numbness that no one will know
cause there is no one I can express my feelings to

There is nothing more draining then being your own supporter
when you are at the same time
the reason for your destruction

And I cant quite understand
how a pair of best friends
or a pair of lovers
could connect in a way as if two soul mates have lost each other
thriving, craving, just full blown out
mad for one another

I never had that

It's a terrible art indeed
one that eats away your worth
until you are nothing without those people
that once defined everything you were

I know its tempting
but you have to let these grudges go
the isolation will **** you otherwise

Don't be afraid to bend the pages in your book
there is a reason why you left those permanent creases
to go back when you have gave in

They'll forgive you and even more importantly
you will thank yourself

I reach out for your hand but my grip isn't that strong
you wouldn't dare let go of me
and I am here asking you please
stop holding on

Let me fall so I can become stronger on my own
If being alone is what it'll will take
then let the isolation come in thousands
and swallow me alive

I'll make depression look like a fantasy
a never ending storm of chaos
cause nothing could be more destructive than
my own mixture of time and troubled thoughts

And yes you'll try to help me, but I am so far from help
I rather suffer in silence then see the same pain I know in your eyes
so I am asking you for your own sake
to let my hand go, I can do this on my own
... at least I think

Have you heard of the garden?
The Garden of Bones?
It’s filled with lost souls
Who play hopscotch at night

Will you come with me?
To the Garden of Bones
We can dance among the headstones
Until we too feel dead inside

Don’t you love it here?
In the Garden of Bones
We won’t ever have to go home
Here with our ancestors we reunite

Don’t be afraid
Of the Garden of Bones
They are just like you
But far less skin tight

Inside of me you started a fire
That was done by your lovely lighter

One that was soon to die out
For my thoughts were thought to be too loud

Its easy to bring silence on the mind
When you been shot up in the spine too many times

Not with a gun but a medicine needle
Proving the fact that we were never equal

Maybe you should string my corset a little tighter
After all I never been much of a fighter

Don't think of me as weak
I express my self in the form of pen and ink

I'm starting to break free of this prison
In a form that doesn't require the color of crimson

And if I don't succeed ill give you the key
To write my name in the diary of defeat

It might take endless amounts of attempts
But I can't live much longer with this noose around my neck

Like telling a smoker to give up cigarettes
You might as well quit and forget

Ill disappear without a notice
That will be my one and only promise

And while your standing there alone
You'll then identifi what I failed to shown

Your unforeseen touch gives me chills
Your strong hands hold me still
Acting in anger
A complete stranger
Would you actually hurt me for real...

Those eyes of yours are so taunting
With an hard expression that rarely vanishes
Demanding yet gentle hands dipped in poison
Used for showing your "undying" passion
An ******* boyfriend
And we are in love

The ever so growing darkness is emerging
Two bodies huddle close in a little blue car
Not a single soul is in sight
For the parking lot is empty now
Quiet exhales fills the air from me
After a careful turn of the key

You open the passengers door
Anxious I am, of your new presence
For you are unpredictable when were alone
Like the silence before a storm
Anticipating what will come next
And then it hits me

Wet sloppy tongue over my close mouth
I gave you a questioning glance as you laugh
He is eager tonight
The arm rest that separates you from me gets lifted
Eliminating the only barrier between us
You embrace me in your husky arms

The touch of your cold hand on my breast
As you kiss me with longing desire this time
Those tempting fingers sliding down my hip
Closer to where you can get the best of me
Normally I would try to stop you
But I guess you sort of knew, I had gave up

You take this opportunity without a second thought
It was something you always wanted but I have refused
All of sudden our lips depart, you have stopped
"I feel guilty, for touching you there."
I realize with self-disgust how willing I am
When I wouldn't put up my own fight

I missed out on so much
and that will never change

I tried to hide the evidence
Words come out as irrelevant
Leaving a red imprint
This I won't  forget
Draining all my confidence

I want to know what's it like to fly
I bet it feels great
To have that rush coursing through your veins
Followed by the high pleasure of feeling alive
I want to know whats its like to fly
To stand on the edge without hesitation
Knowing you can't go back and not wanting to either
To lean back and just fall
I want to know what it's like to fly
How just like life, everything rushes past you
In a blur of pictures missing the finer details
All within a blink of an eye
I want to know what's it like to fly
Opening my wings for the first and final time
Like a bird getting pushed out of a nest
I too will fall without fear
I want to know what's it like to fly
Being disconnect from the earth
That you came out of
And the body you grew to hate
I want to know what's it like to fly
No I won't soar but sink
Dropping like an anchor made of steel
Faster and faster and faster
I want to know what's it like to fly
But we were created with two hands and feet
Feet for stomping a pond the ground
And hands for doing horrible remarkable things
I want to know what's it like to fly
My feet lean back into nothingness
All my troubles vanish into happiness
No more, for I am weightless
I hit the concrete
I want to know what's it like to fly
To fly is to be free

The happy go lucky guy
Questioning the way of life
He cares way too much
But its never enough
Listening to him as he cries