Now that I got it,

what am I going to do about it?

I can't tell him I would drop everything for him

That if I could make all of his pain go away in his whole life, I would do anything

That even if his happiness doesn't see me in the picture I want it for him

That he could stop talking to me for days and days and I would still be there at his beck and call when he decided to reach out

So I retract and I smile when he reaches out and I laugh when we chat and I shy away when we are together

But my heart yearns for his.

I don’t want to write about you anymore
But then again, there’s nobody else who fascinates me like you do

I don’t want to dream about you anymore
But then you remind me of all the little details you remember about me and I can’t breathe

I don’t want to talk to my friends about you anymore
But then I see your sleeves rolled up and I can’t focus on doing the things I need to do today

I don’t want to imagine that our paths crossed at different times anymore
But then I see your eyes meet mine and I can’t imagine you going away without knowing how I feel

I don’t want to keep ranting about you incessantly
But then I see your shy grin and I just lose control of everything I thought I knew

Maybe he’s just nice

Maybe he talks to everyone in that way
Maybe he always shares eye contact for far too long with everyone he speaks to
Maybe he discusses these little details with anyone who will listen

Or maybe it’s just me

Maybe I have made myself too approachable and too friendly
Maybe I have been creating these scenarios in my head all along
Maybe I talk far too much and he is staring at me telling me to shut the **** up

Or maybe he’s just nice

The timing is off

That is what I keep telling myself anyway
Maybe we met at the wrong time, wrong place, wrong life time?
Maybe if it was a few years earlier or a few years later things would work in a different manner

The timing is off
But the feelings are on.

My neighbor said:

"Make sure she is on her side so that she doesn't choke on her tongue"
And I giggled. I laughed.
He didn't.
Oh, he wasn't kidding
So I turned her on her side

I was 11.

My mom overdosed on pills in the front lawn
I stood there in disbelief.
I called 911

"yes, hello, the address is 3435 Park Ave.....its.....its my mother.....she fell down the front steps and she is shaking, she's seizing, and she won't stop....she needs help....yes please, hurry."

And I wait and I wait and I wait and I am standing there.

My dad is approaching. He is walking home from the train stop.
He doesn't see sirens at first. He is walking. And I see him notice the sirens and he sprints to me. We don't hug. He know what is happening before I do and I have been there for 45 minutes.

They stay at the hospital for days. She is on suicide watch. But it's just an accident, she just mixed the wrong pills. She didn't want to die. But she did. She did. I know that now.


She wanted to leave me behind.