I lost my best friend recently
It's been months and I can't think of it without the pain in my chest becoming too loud to think over
He was only here for a small part of my life but I was all he knew
A pet became family and a protecter and someone that will stick with me for the rest of my life
I should have spoiled him more
Taken the time even on bad days to give him attention
Did I appreciate him enough?  
He loved me unconditionally despite all my flaws and I wish I had that back every day
I love you and will never forget you

Lately I've been struggling
I got kicked and the rest of the world took it as an opportunity to pile on
I see my chance to take a breath
I pull the air hard into my lungs
I don't get the chance to exhale before I get kicked again
It becomes a cycle I try so hard to break free from
What did I do wrong?  Why can't I get a break?
I don't know how many more times I can take the kick before I stop taking that chance to breathe again

There was a time in my life where I denied who I was
As we grow we strip parts of ourselves away and put different pieces back together
Different skins and faces and depths of ourselves get changed as we face new challenges
But for me when I was young I saw a part I wanted to keep
A part I felt would make an important staple piece of what made me who I was throughout the changes that would come
After a while I think it weighed me down and I couldn't be defiant and brave enough to be wholeheartedly myself anymore
So I pushed it back and put on a face I knew would be acceptable
I think I'm slowly finding that part again
Maybe this time I can be brave enough to keep my head held high

I'm not greedy
I'm not indecisive
I'm not a ****
I'm not loose with my heart and my mind and my body
Denial is a wooden box I locked myself into at night to quiet the voices that cut me down and let me pretend I wasn't what I thought I was
the wooden box that kept my heart from feeling for more than one face
who are you to tell me who I am and what I love
and who are you to tell me my heart is wrong
I'm not unlovable but **** am I so tired of feeling like I will never be good enough for you who loves one face and not another
I am so tired of being too straight for a girl but too gay for a man and anything outside that box
I am enough and I have nothing more to prove.

Why are you in my head so much?
It's like the thought of you is a constant loop like a ****** song I cant quite shake
After a while I wish id never heard that **** song
I wish id never turned on my ******* radio and oh i swear i wish id never looked at you twice
I wish you had of just kept walking that day
because I don't want a stupid song on a loop in my head
I want to be happy

It causes controversy doesn't it?
Admitting that maybe you really aren't all that happy
"Don't say that"
"Don't be silly"
"that's too dark to talk about"
But I'm hollow
I have these moments where I almost feel so full and overwhelmed and so carved out and hollow all at once
like there cant possibly be life pumping through my body
why must we always be so bright when sometimes we feel like a dark faded light bulb flickering as it goes out
Maybe I'm okay but oh sometimes
sometimes I'm anything but okay
And sometimes all we need is hope

What are we doing?
Our words are growing quieter
Our touches strained
Our hearts building a small wall each day
Hurting it's hands pushing the bricks and material together without us even knowing
Why are we here?
It's like there's something in our minds still fighting tooth and nail for a war nobody believes in anymore and our bodies are just following along
Maybe it's time this war came to an end
I don't think either of us want to deal with the casualties of our love dying along with our hope

The panic is inching up my throat and through my limbs
Slowly spreading cold and leaden
Why is the clock moving so fast?
Like its trying to outrun memories
I'm almost frozen by my resistence to blink for fear I might miss everything
Time has never felt so against me than when I'm truly happy

The way the lights illuminate your skin and that soft look in your eyes keeps me captive
The light reflects off your scattered imperfections that somehow manage to keep my breathe tight in my throat , caught in adoration
Who are you and why am I so so trapped in this feeling by you.

Fear.
I felt the fear rise like crashing waves and rebel against the thoughts inside my head
Butterflies.
Getting their guns and knives ready inside my stomach to slice and shoot their way out of the knots tying together inside
Anxiety
Gripping my heart tight in its iron grip.
squeezing,
Squeezing ,
Squeezing
And curiosity shyly inching through all this rebellion happening inside my body to see what all the fuss is about
And you
Standing there watching me with that tilt to your mouth and those eyes screaming mischief
Completely oblivious to this war inside my body that you bring with you when you come my way.

We sat on the porch while the evening sped up around us.  
Keeping our hands and hearts warm with a nostalgic mix of hot chocolate and secrets.
Your expression suddenly changed and I felt a cold sweat break out once I recognized the emotion speeding past your face.  
The small distance between us held everything we weren't ready to say.  So we sat in silence letting the wave of restrained hope for the future wash over us.