It causes controversy doesn't it?
Admitting that maybe you really aren't all that happy
"Don't say that"
"Don't be silly"
"that's too dark to talk about"
But I'm hollow
I have these moments where I almost feel so full and overwhelmed and so carved out and hollow all at once
like there cant possibly be life pumping through my body
why must we always be so bright when sometimes we feel like a dark faded light bulb flickering as it goes out
Maybe I'm okay but oh sometimes
sometimes I'm anything but okay
And sometimes all we need is hope

What are we doing?
Our words are growing quieter
Our touches strained
Our hearts building a small wall each day
Hurting it's hands pushing the bricks and material together without us even knowing
Why are we here?
It's like there's something in our minds still fighting tooth and nail for a war nobody believes in anymore and our bodies are just following along
Maybe it's time this war came to an end
I don't think either of us want to deal with the casualties of our love dying along with our hope

The panic is inching up my throat and through my limbs
Slowly spreading cold and leaden
Why is the clock moving so fast?
Like its trying to outrun memories
I'm almost frozen by my resistence to blink for fear I might miss everything
Time has never felt so against me than when I'm truly happy

The way the lights illuminate your skin and that soft look in your eyes keeps me captive
The light reflects off your scattered imperfections that somehow manage to keep my breathe tight in my throat , caught in adoration
Who are you and why am I so so trapped in this feeling by you.

Fear.
I felt the fear rise like crashing waves and rebel against the thoughts inside my head
Butterflies.
Getting their guns and knives ready inside my stomach to slice and shoot their way out of the knots tying together inside
Anxiety
Gripping my heart tight in its iron grip.
squeezing,
Squeezing ,
Squeezing
And curiosity shyly inching through all this rebellion happening inside my body to see what all the fuss is about
And you
Standing there watching me with that tilt to your mouth and those eyes screaming mischief
Completely oblivious to this war inside my body that you bring with you when you come my way.

We sat on the porch while the evening sped up around us.  
Keeping our hands and hearts warm with a nostalgic mix of hot chocolate and secrets.
Your expression suddenly changed and I felt a cold sweat break out once I recognized the emotion speeding past your face.  
The small distance between us held everything we weren't ready to say.  So we sat in silence letting the wave of restrained hope for the future wash over us.