I urge you do not fall in love with the version of a person you make in your head.

Delete the roleplays you keep on repeat in your mind.

Ignore your heart's beating at the thoughts you normally accept that will lead you into an endless spiral of lust.

You never got the chance to speak to the person you wish to know.

You do not know their likes of their dislikes.

You only love the version of them in your mind.

Let go.

Please let go.

I'll go first,

Growing up, there was a huge emphasis on marriage in my community.
Everything I watched was about love,  lust and relationships, this was all I consumed.

Later on in life,  I began to crave affection and attention from many if not all the males in my life.

This lead me into a spiral of thinking that every male I had an interaction with was going to be my husband.

We listen and we don't judge...

I was going to say...
An ugly beauty is a  beauty where one  thinks that beauty can only be found in one thing and that thing alone.

But many are not free to explore what is beautiful to them.

Some may have settled for the first thing they found beautiful because they thought they might lose it.

Or for some, they accepted that beauty because they were sure that it was all they wanted and perhaps needed.

But for those who refuse to see beauty in no other way than the way they have done before.... what can be said about them?

My sisters, my loves.
I'm entranced by their smiles,
Their laughter,
Their Joy,
Their essence,
Their ability to storytell.

My sisters, my loves.
The women who know
me more than my own
mother.

My sisters, my loves.
I pray the best for you.
I pray that the Lord's
Spirit will always
guide you.

My sisters my loves.
Your love will forever
be with me.
Your advice will shape
me to become the sister
I need to be.

I'm renouncing the pain I spoke over myself.
I'm renouncing the hatred I spoke into this family.
the hatred spoke into those of my past,
the Boy who made me realise I was filled with lust,
I am renouncing the words that I spoke and listened to that reduced and reduce my self esteem.
I am renewing my mind with The word.
I am renewing my mind with His love.
I am allowing Him to work through me.
I am forgetting the past, refusing to ponder on old history.
Please carry me through Lord, increase this capacity.
I am so used to ignoring my feelings that accepting them make me feel like I am  wrong.
So peace to my heart.
Joy to my mind.
Salvation to my soul.
The lord  in my spirit, He alone makes me whole.
Please teach me how to navigate and accept these feelings Lord, you gave them to me for a reason.

Eyes meet,
heart fleets.

Just for a short moment.

The ambiguity of my eyes locking with those of stranger is one that I can never get used to.

What was laced in your eyes, what did you want to tell me that you were too scared to say?

Was it the colour of my eyes on warm summer's day,
or the beauty my child's smile in a rainy may?

Was it your desire to walk up to me and say hello,
or your sudden interest in the confidence I walked with?

Eyes meet,
hearts fleet,
the awkwardness that comes with knowing you have met eyes with a person you were not meant to be looking at,
the pain that stings in your heart after locking eyes with the one you owe an apology to because of your selfish morality.

Eyes meet and suddenly flutter away, look of annoyance plastered on my sister's face, saying, "can I help you?"
"Why are you staring at me?"

I love looking into the eyes of people.

Don't get me wrong, at times it can be awkward.
But so much can be given and received in a blink of an eye.

All because of my decision to look up at you and not burn my eyes into the ground.

Our eyes carry life, they carry spirit, emotion; one that is unique to each and every one of ourselves.

My eyes can never be yours, nor can your eyes be mine.

This is because you have not seen what I have seen.
Nor will you behold what my eyes have held.

But still, when you pass by me, look at me, remind me of the beauty in humanity.

Show me grace in that twinkle of your eyes.

There is no God vs Man because,
‘God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise.’
1 Corinthians 1:27

There is no God Vs Man because,
'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways.'
Isiah 55:8-9

There is no God Vs Man because,
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom the work that God has done from beginning to end.
‎Ecclesiastes 3:11

There is no God Vs Man because,
' For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that whosoever believes in HIM shall not perish but have eternal life.'
John 3:16

It has honestly gotten to the point where you are no longer my one desire.

God is.

It has honestly gotten to the point where I just want to be friends with you.
Just to know you as you and not the man in my mind, I am breaking  you down you know, you know that fiction I made of you in my mind, the fantasy I would call on to rock me to sleep or to comfort me when I would refused to go to my heavenly Father.

Lie by lie, fiction by fiction, lust by lust, I am breaking the false imitation I made of you.
Demolishing it till the foundation is clear.

But now I want to know you, talk to you, make you laugh knowing
I honestly do not have feelings for you but only Philia love towards you.
I honestly want to understand your actions and why you are who you are.

I don't like you I just want to know you.
I no longer lust after you, but I now see you as the human God made you to be.

I do not understand love.
That is why I place myself before your eyes.
I do not understand love.
That is why I desire for you to behold me in all of my complexities.
I do not understand love.
For all I have ever given is lust.

I do understand love.
That is why I pray for you instead of allowing my heart to brood over you.
I do not understand love.
So I will try my utmost best to not gaze at you.

I do not understand love,
But I do understand that there is no future for you and I.
I do not understand love.
But, I do understand that you are going places that I have not yet been called to venture into.

I do not understand love But I understand that I am here to speak life into you.
I do not understand love,
Yet I Love You enough to not hold onto the version of a man that I have turned you into.

I am not complicated.
I am not hard.
I am not tough.
I am broken, desiring affection, love from all those who desire to give it to to me.
But you God, you hold me down.
You fill me up with your love everlasting.
My eyes are filled with wonder and appreciation.
You embrace me.
Your touch ever so light.
You are the brightness in my life.
I pretended to have it all together, I pretend to have it all together, but you lord you hold me down.
You restore my mind, you teach me what is right.
You keep me sane.
You are my sanity.
Thank you.
Thank you lord that you are my sanity.

God is within me.
I shall not fail.

So I did it again,
once again I played the victim.
I did it ever so slightly but her eyes are too clear;
as she knows better.

My Character is my greatest fault yet my greatest beauty.
I am working on it, we are working on it,
He is working on me, He is working through me,
yet when I fall, I fall so blatantly that all can see.

I lock myself in my mind.
Replaying moments of:
what if I did; what if I did not.

NO.

I am wrong.
I have come to the conclusion that most times I am wrong.
Growing older I must accept that I am wrong and seek to change
this mindset that causes me to act out of line.

Lust, to consider others as mere objects of ****** desires.

The idea of the other man was one that was so unfamiliar to her.
The world of somethings or should I say someone's to whom she was strictly advised to not communicate with.

They did not realise that they were everywhere. In the streets, the churches, the buses, the schools, the screens,,,
Her school.

But when does a parent come to the realisation that their child is bound to met the other man.
Is it a day they wish would come but not too soon?

As a unit when do parent's decide that their child is ready to bear their new life in love?
Or is it a journey their child must venture into on their own?


This was a world that I had to venture into on my own.

But yet I was not alone, for no temptation that has ever enticed or overtaken me, regardless of it's source is uncommon to the human experience.
The years I served and loved the Lord allowed me to see that.

*

Sun shining through the opaque window was not something I witnessed regularly.
I would quickly pass through the mesh of other men and familiar men, attempting to not  be engulfed by their constant entrance and exiting.

I had seen this other man before but I had never permitted my eyes to view him in that way.
But the one day I gave lust permission was the day I enrolled myself into a learning season.

I learnt later on in my life that messing with the other man was something that always left me incompetent; unable to control my own body.

The wisdom I gained after this tumultuous experience lead me to understand that I firmly believed I could overtake lust but I was repeatedly and shamefully left to consume the dust that it left.

It is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life.

Keep these three in mind.

The lust of the flesh is the constant desire embedded deep in the man.
It is what triggers lust in the man's eye and leads to a growth of pride in their heart.
It is pride which directs them way from sanity and wholeness of their minds, it is lust that turns them away from their values and virtues, the God they serve and most importantly the God they love.

After granting permission to the lust of my eyes I finally witnessed this other man.
His eyes of hazel.
Hair of silky wood.

The stray rays of sunlight showed me the beauty of his beautiful brown eyes.
My heart was enticed.

Now I know that more than anything., the heart deceives.

By giving permission to lust I gave it the liberty to use my mind as it's playground, my soul as it's puppet.

I would venture through the day unable to focus on what I was being taught and why.
I forgot what my goal in life was, why I was there, in that school, in that body, with that name. With my name.

I believed my purpose was stripped away from me, I did not understand that my purpose in that season was to sit experience, absorb and learn.

Venturing through the new life in love lead me to a mistaken identity in lust, because whenever you give permission to your flesh out of His Spirit you are bound to fall into mishaps, In my case to consider the other man as mere objects of ****** desires and not the man that God has created for His Glory and their honour.

Conceiving a child out of lust and bearing it on my own birthed bitterness in me.
Which when fully grown turned into sin and unless I submit this child to God it will turn into death.

I refuse to leave a cavity in the womb of my heart because of lust.
I refuse to be tainted by the lies of the one with no identity, therefore tries to steal mine, because of lust.

So through the mesh of other man and unfamiliar men, I must walk up to the other man and begin to consider him as the man of God and not just the other man.

Because just as the woman was taken out of man, the man was taken out of God.

Stray kids, baby sheep who have gone astray.
Jesus is The shepherd and we his people are The sheep.
Bangchan, Felix, Hyunjin, Han, IN, Seungmin, Leeknow, Changbin.
All sheep who have gone astray from the shepherd ; stray sheep that lead more sheep away form The shepherd.

Baby sheep that is what a kid is.
The equivalent of a child in terms of sheep.

Stray kids are children who have gone astray from their father- his love and his care for them.

It's crazy that this is what these children of God are being called.

Before, Bangchan who God calls by name Christopher (bearer of Christ)
worshiped God in his monthly music listening...
This was unheard of in the Korean entertainment industry, I had never seen nor heard of anything like that before.

It wasn't a regular thing but it was something that happened enough for me to recognise.
The one who has been called to bear Christ still wants Christ.

He has never forgotten about the shepherd.

Alas.

There must come a time where the kid thinks of the days he was not lost... in the care of the shepherd where he could constantly see the shepherd, he doesn't realise that the shepherd is still looking out for him.


The shepherd watches over him daily but he respects The kids decision to go astray and so patiently waits for him to return.
And so patiently waits for them to return.

Christopher has been called to bear Christ in all things, in all that he does.

And even in the short moments that he did bear Christ, those were  moments of awe, moments of clarity and peace.

This is a call to the Bearers of Christ.
Please come back and bear Christ.

Today marks the 2nd Anniversary since my baptism in my Lord Jesus Christ.

I am grateful God has brought this far,
I remember tripping on the night of my baptism.

I was filled with regret and shame because I had just consecrated myself in His spirit.

Since then God has shown me that this walk is a journey, my tounge may speak death at times but it is His word and His spirit who renew my words.

My thought life may contradict His truth but I will, and I am constantly transformed by renewing of my mind by His word.

I am changed because I choose to not remain the same.
I changed because the public proclamation of my faith placed a covering over my being.

So here's to you Lord, the one who has carried me through, I thank you...

I apologised to him.

I let him know that I was sorry.
I had come to the final conclusion that I had wronged him on many levels.
That I was in his life to speak life into him, but I spoke death to his name.

I apologised to him.
I asked God to soften his heart, that I wished not to receive the response he gave me a year and a half ago.
My Father softened his son's heart and my now brother embraced my apology.

The one I hated is now the one I love.
The one I love with the love of God and not the love of man.

I apologised to him, after 2 years of being unable to carry out God's will for my purposeful life.
He has finally given me an understanding into the life of His son.

I apologised to him.
My heart still beats at the sight of him.

I apologised to him.
My body still pretends that it is not mine in the sight of him.
But I will not let into this feeling, fleeting, floating, it will leave me hanging, left to die, die from pain, die from embarrassment, die from rejection.

I'll wait for him to leave.
Eight more months and this will all pass by.


I apologised to him.
I now speak life into him.
But a part of me wished he saw me as much more, somewhere not so deep within.

I apologised to him.
Now it is clear that my heart yearns for him.

Why is the phrase I'm going to **** myself used so leniently?

Is it not a statement that carries weight? or is it just a jovial way to deal with feelings and move on from it?

Why can’t we be thankful for the life we have, the breath we breathe?

Let us PAUSE for a moment.







The breath that you have today is the same breath that someone’s soul is craving for.

The day that you are living in is the same day someone else was not permitted to see.

The experiences that you have experienced today are the same experiences somebody wished to see one last time before the plug was pulled.



Please, be grateful for your life and what it entails because everything that has breath must praise the Lord.  

It is our praise to him that makes us more aware of our lives.

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.
Bubble.

For so long I have lived in a bubble, refusing to explore because it was dangerous or it was disrespectful, oh, because it was  ' I said so.'

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.

I want to explore, I want to write, I want to experience, I want to live with all my might.
I need to live with all my might.
Break down the concepts that were ingrained in me.

Yes marriage is great,
But why should it be the centre of my life?
Yes money grants freedom but why must I follow material wherever it walks?

I'm bursting this bubble and escaping this mindset.

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.

Because it's that easy, it's that easy to let go of the reality you have conformed to.

Let go and let God.
What does that even mean?

So I drop the label.
I drop the band.

*

They call us idols.
Do you know how hard it is to forget what you have worshipped?
Why do you think it was hard for me to not worship Him in those few times I could?
Because he is embedded in me.

Those sounds that we have sung, dances we have preformed, I have become alert of those people who worshipped us because in doing that they worshipped him.
The one we sung to, the one we served.
The lullabies he loved, the sensuality they adored.

We became figments of their imaginations, roleplays that they could call on to make them sleep, we have become a game that they mentally switched on and off when they wanted to.
Their desire is to switch me on when they want to zone out and switch me off when they need to come back to reality.

For my body to be abused in their minds.

But I am worth more than that.

I too am a man.
I too am a son.
A brother.... A friend.

I am not a prized trophy.
A statue of sensuality for all to see.

...

I too am a child of God.

It is He who makes me whole.
Not man.
It is He who restores my soul.
Not man.
It is He who has dominion over me.
Not man.
It is He who will truly fill me.
Not man.
It is He who will truly love me,
Not only man.
So when I forget, and begin to return to my *****, Lord please remind me,
"I know the plans I have for you, plans of I good and not evil, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Good things sometimes take some time.
The eternity that you have placed in my heart, I cannot see from the beginning to the end, but you can.,
So I wait on you.
So I look to you.
Remind me o Lord that you are the only one who makes me whole.

No, but imagine I came face to face with the people who read my poems; the people who saw my heart and unveiled emotions.

Imagine if the people who read my poems where given a bird's eye view into my life's totality.

Would you love me with every inch of your soul as I have relinquished the rights to my vulnerability by letting you see me in my full entirety?

No, but imagine if you saw the one I had written about , would you know it was him?
Would you think back to the pain in my poems and along with the bird's view of my life and know that it was he who I was talking about?

No, but imagine if you read my poems and it left a mark on your heart.
But with the same pained tears laced in my words, you tore the heart of  another being's child.

Imagine if my life comes to an end all that was marked was wistful words with no true meaning.

I am getting lost in a world I do not belong in.

Do you think they will know that I am not one of them?

But what if I am one of them?

Will they ever know?

If I had a son, I would name him Eliakim, so that the Lord may establish him in His ways, raising him up to be a mighty man of valour who seeks after the Lord's heart in all things.

If I had a son, he would be named Eliakim so that the Lord may raise him up in a time of frivolity and purify him in the land he sits in.

If I had a son, I would name him Eliakim so that he would leave a good example for his brothers and sisters who will come after him.

"We are all depressed aren't we?
We are all in some pain in one way or another.
So it would be wrong of me to speak of how bad this hurts when I know some else is hurting even more,"
He thought.

"But I am always here and I am always listening"
His heavenly father replied.

There is a burden in my heart, there is a wallowing in my spirit, there is a heaviness in my heart.

I want to do more in you lord, I need to do more in you Lord, I find it hard to let go of my desires and walk to you.

But with the little strength I have, I'll call upon your name and I shall be saved, I'll lean into you for help and you'll be my guide .

I come to you lord.
My heart needs you.
My strength grows weak without you.
I know your strength is made great in my weakness, so I come to you father. Please help me.

She saw her watching him;
her eyes filled with the greatest desire and affection for him.
It was too much for her.
She saw the love she held was obviously greater than hers.
And so she let him go; refusing to hold onto him when he had a greater love waiting for him.

She believed her love as not great enough.
That he was not worthy of the little that she could bring him.
So now she waits,
So now she heals.
Her love could never be enough.
Her love was never enough.

But she knew that she was enough.
Because unlike herself, her God knew
true love, Agape love.

And her God was willing to teach her how to love others.
But first,
He taught her how to love herself.

"Life get's better, when you let people lose you instead of begging people to choose you."

I hear you, I do.
This is something I am struggling to accept, because my desires want to be heard, I think to myself, 'my desires also need to be heard.'

I see him observing me, what else should I do?
It's not because he likes me but because I interest him, I am unique to him.
The girl who apologised to him,
The girl who embarrassed herself before him.
The girl who was like all the others; admired him for his beauty.
The girl who fawned before him, like  all the pretty, the thick, caramel skin, you know, all of my sisters.

Why do you look at me and observe me grinning if you won't come and speak to me?

I apologised yet I received no closure, you still bother me, standing around when it's not necessary...
Stop observing me.
I said I am not going to let into this feeling, floating, fleeting.

Don't watch me.
I won't speak to you.
I won't make a next move.
So stop expecting I will.
I am done chasing you, but now I see you watching me.

Your voice you never use to speak, but you watch, you watch instinctively.

Your ears pierced with diamonds, the sharp angle on the back of your head that irons your looks, the lengths of your tie peeking at me from your collar.
Your side profile which turns to observe the world around you.

I look away, then up, I won't let your eyes meet mine.

Your eyes tracking me as I strut down the hallway where you meet me, unexpected, for me too really, I pretend I haven't seen you, yet plan to hold the door for you, I'm glad to see you from the corner of my eye, making known your arrival.

I pass through the door .
Wondering when I will see you next.
Pondering what I will see of you in the next assembly...

I speed past to pick up my meal, I see you look up eyes wondering, "where's she racing off to?"
I come back only to see the door closed, you paced over your work.

I enter.

....
Exiting the day, I walk to the treadmill of length.
I see a tall figure pass me by, lock eyes, I look away, don't need this intimacy.
Then I remember,
So I look right, sure enough, I see those eyes looking back at me, expressionless, I turn away, I wished not to be swallowed by the mesh school children.

I walk towards the gate, instinctively look to my left, you're no where to be found, I repeat this process and your no where to be found.

Deep down I am waiting for you, but it is futile, not because I am ugly or because you don't like me, but it is because my desires are not aligning with His purpose right now.
And like I have already said, it's not that I like you, I just want you to speak to me and stop noticing me.
I want to speak to you and know you, not so I can kiss you or so I can hold you in my hands, it's so I can pray for you knowing you in my mind.
It's so I can smile at a joke you make, your quite voice to be filled with fervour and passion.
Like I said, I don't understand love but I understand love enough to not hold onto the version of a man I have turned you into.