My words may not be beautiful.
My words may not be sweet.

At times I cry because the words I write and type are not the same words I speak in reality.

When anger, guilt or sadness comes over me, I do not want to be well- spoken.

I want to be well heard without having to repeat myself.

Character development.
Let's call it development.

Deep breaths

*

It is all character development.

My sisters, my loves.
I'm entranced by their smiles,
Their laughter,
Their Joy,
Their essence,
Their ability to storytell.

My sisters, my loves.
The women who know
me more than my own
mother.

My sisters, my loves.
I pray the best for you.
I pray that the Lord's
Spirit will always
guide you.

My sisters my loves.
Your love will forever
be with me.
Your advice will shape
me to become the sister
I need to be.

I urge you do not fall in love with the version of a person you make in your head.

Delete the roleplays you keep on repeat in your mind.

Ignore your heart's beating at the thoughts you normally accept that will lead you into an endless spiral of lust.

You never got the chance to speak to the person you wish to know.

You do not know their likes of their dislikes.

You only love the version of them in your mind.

Let go.

Please let go.

I'll go first,

Growing up, there was a huge emphasis on marriage in my community.
Everything I watched was about love,  lust and relationships, this was all I consumed.

Later on in life,  I began to crave affection and attention from many if not all the males in my life.

This lead me into a spiral of thinking that every male I had an interaction with was going to be my husband.

We listen and we don't judge...

I was going to say...
An ugly beauty is a  beauty where one  thinks that beauty can only be found in one thing and that thing alone.

But many are not free to explore what is beautiful to them.

Some may have settled for the first thing they found beautiful because they thought they might lose it.

Or for some, they accepted that beauty because they were sure that it was all they wanted and perhaps needed.

But for those who refuse to see beauty in no other way than the way they have done before.... what can be said about them?

I am not complicated.
I am not hard.
I am not tough.
I am broken, desiring affection, love from all those who desire to give it to to me.
But you God, you hold me down.
You fill me up with your love everlasting.
My eyes are filled with wonder and appreciation.
You embrace me.
Your touch ever so light.
You are the brightness in my life.
I pretended to have it all together, I pretend to have it all together, but you lord you hold me down.
You restore my mind, you teach me what is right.
You keep me sane.
You are my sanity.
Thank you.
Thank you lord that you are my sanity.

I love looking into the eyes of people.

Don't get me wrong, at times it can be awkward.
But so much can be given and received in a blink of an eye.

All because of my decision to look up at you and not burn my eyes into the ground.

Our eyes carry life, they carry spirit, emotion; one that is unique to each and every one of ourselves.

My eyes can never be yours, nor can your eyes be mine.

This is because you have not seen what I have seen.
Nor will you behold what my eyes have held.

But still, when you pass by me, look at me, remind me of the beauty in humanity.

Show me grace in that twinkle of your eyes.

I'm renouncing the pain I spoke over myself.
I'm renouncing the hatred I spoke into this family.
the hatred spoke into those of my past,
the Boy who made me realise I was filled with lust,
I am renouncing the words that I spoke and listened to that reduced and reduce my self esteem.
I am renewing my mind with The word.
I am renewing my mind with His love.
I am allowing Him to work through me.
I am forgetting the past, refusing to ponder on old history.
Please carry me through Lord, increase this capacity.
I am so used to ignoring my feelings that accepting them make me feel like I am  wrong.
So peace to my heart.
Joy to my mind.
Salvation to my soul.
The lord  in my spirit, He alone makes me whole.
Please teach me how to navigate and accept these feelings Lord, you gave them to me for a reason.

Eyes meet,
heart fleets.

Just for a short moment.

The ambiguity of my eyes locking with those of stranger is one that I can never get used to.

What was laced in your eyes, what did you want to tell me that you were too scared to say?

Was it the colour of my eyes on warm summer's day,
or the beauty my child's smile in a rainy may?

Was it your desire to walk up to me and say hello,
or your sudden interest in the confidence I walked with?

Eyes meet,
hearts fleet,
the awkwardness that comes with knowing you have met eyes with a person you were not meant to be looking at,
the pain that stings in your heart after locking eyes with the one you owe an apology to because of your selfish morality.

Eyes meet and suddenly flutter away, look of annoyance plastered on my sister's face, saying, "can I help you?"
"Why are you staring at me?"

There is no God vs Man because,
‘God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise.’
1 Corinthians 1:27

There is no God Vs Man because,
'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways.'
Isiah 55:8-9

There is no God Vs Man because,
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom the work that God has done from beginning to end.
‎Ecclesiastes 3:11

There is no God Vs Man because,
' For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that whosoever believes in HIM shall not perish but have eternal life.'
John 3:16

God is within me.
I shall not fail.

So I did it again,
once again I played the victim.
I did it ever so slightly but her eyes are too clear;
as she knows better.

My Character is my greatest fault yet my greatest beauty.
I am working on it, we are working on it,
He is working on me, He is working through me,
yet when I fall, I fall so blatantly that all can see.

I lock myself in my mind.
Replaying moments of:
what if I did; what if I did not.

NO.

I am wrong.
I have come to the conclusion that most times I am wrong.
Growing older I must accept that I am wrong and seek to change
this mindset that causes me to act out of line.

This is the day that the Lord has made, so I will be glad and rejoice in it.

This is the day that the Lord has made, so I will be glad and rejoice in it.

This is the day that the Lord has made so I will be and and rejoice in it.

Lust, to consider others as mere objects of ****** desires.

The idea of the other man was one that was so unfamiliar to her.
The world of somethings or should I say someone's to whom she was strictly advised to not communicate with.

They did not realise that they were everywhere. In the streets, the churches, the buses, the schools, the screens,,,
Her school.

But when does a parent come to the realisation that their child is bound to met the other man.
Is it a day they wish would come but not too soon?

As a unit when do parent's decide that their child is ready to bear their new life in love?
Or is it a journey their child must venture into on their own?


This was a world that I had to venture into on my own.

But yet I was not alone, for no temptation that has ever enticed or overtaken me, regardless of it's source is uncommon to the human experience.
The years I served and loved the Lord allowed me to see that.

*

Sun shining through the opaque window was not something I witnessed regularly.
I would quickly pass through the mesh of other men and familiar men, attempting to not  be engulfed by their constant entrance and exiting.

I had seen this other man before but I had never permitted my eyes to view him in that way.
But the one day I gave lust permission was the day I enrolled myself into a learning season.

I learnt later on in my life that messing with the other man was something that always left me incompetent; unable to control my own body.

The wisdom I gained after this tumultuous experience lead me to understand that I firmly believed I could overtake lust but I was repeatedly and shamefully left to consume the dust that it left.

It is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life.

Keep these three in mind.

The lust of the flesh is the constant desire embedded deep in the man.
It is what triggers lust in the man's eye and leads to a growth of pride in their heart.
It is pride which directs them way from sanity and wholeness of their minds, it is lust that turns them away from their values and virtues, the God they serve and most importantly the God they love.

After granting permission to the lust of my eyes I finally witnessed this other man.
His eyes of hazel.
Hair of silky wood.

The stray rays of sunlight showed me the beauty of his beautiful brown eyes.
My heart was enticed.

Now I know that more than anything., the heart deceives.

By giving permission to lust I gave it the liberty to use my mind as it's playground, my soul as it's puppet.

I would venture through the day unable to focus on what I was being taught and why.
I forgot what my goal in life was, why I was there, in that school, in that body, with that name. With my name.

I believed my purpose was stripped away from me, I did not understand that my purpose in that season was to sit experience, absorb and learn.

Venturing through the new life in love lead me to a mistaken identity in lust, because whenever you give permission to your flesh out of His Spirit you are bound to fall into mishaps, In my case to consider the other man as mere objects of ****** desires and not the man that God has created for His Glory and their honour.

Conceiving a child out of lust and bearing it on my own birthed bitterness in me.
Which when fully grown turned into sin and unless I submit this child to God it will turn into death.

I refuse to leave a cavity in the womb of my heart because of lust.
I refuse to be tainted by the lies of the one with no identity, therefore tries to steal mine, because of lust.

So through the mesh of other man and unfamiliar men, I must walk up to the other man and begin to consider him as the man of God and not just the other man.

Because just as the woman was taken out of man, the man was taken out of God.

Stray kids, baby sheep who have gone astray.
Jesus is The shepherd and we his people are The sheep.
Bangchan, Felix, Hyunjin, Han, IN, Seungmin, Leeknow, Changbin.
All sheep who have gone astray from the shepherd ; stray sheep that lead more sheep away form The shepherd.

Baby sheep that is what a kid is.
The equivalent of a child in terms of sheep.

Stray kids are children who have gone astray from their father- his love and his care for them.

It's crazy that this is what these children of God are being called.

Before, Bangchan who God calls by name Christopher (bearer of Christ)
worshiped God in his monthly music listening...
This was unheard of in the Korean entertainment industry, I had never seen nor heard of anything like that before.

It wasn't a regular thing but it was something that happened enough for me to recognise.
The one who has been called to bear Christ still wants Christ.

He has never forgotten about the shepherd.

Alas.

There must come a time where the kid thinks of the days he was not lost... in the care of the shepherd where he could constantly see the shepherd, he doesn't realise that the shepherd is still looking out for him.


The shepherd watches over him daily but he respects The kids decision to go astray and so patiently waits for him to return.
And so patiently waits for them to return.

Christopher has been called to bear Christ in all things, in all that he does.

And even in the short moments that he did bear Christ, those were  moments of awe, moments of clarity and peace.

This is a call to the Bearers of Christ.
Please come back and bear Christ.

Today marks the 2nd Anniversary since my baptism in my Lord Jesus Christ.

I am grateful God has brought this far,
I remember tripping on the night of my baptism.

I was filled with regret and shame because I had just consecrated myself in His spirit.

Since then God has shown me that this walk is a journey, my tounge may speak death at times but it is His word and His spirit who renew my words.

My thought life may contradict His truth but I will, and I am constantly transformed by renewing of my mind by His word.

I am changed because I choose to not remain the same.
I changed because the public proclamation of my faith placed a covering over my being.

So here's to you Lord, the one who has carried me through, I thank you...

Why is the phrase I'm going to **** myself used so leniently?

Is it not a statement that carries weight? or is it just a jovial way to deal with feelings and move on from it?

Why can’t we be thankful for the life we have, the breath we breathe?

Let us PAUSE for a moment.







The breath that you have today is the same breath that someone’s soul is craving for.

The day that you are living in is the same day someone else was not permitted to see.

The experiences that you have experienced today are the same experiences somebody wished to see one last time before the plug was pulled.



Please, be grateful for your life and what it entails because everything that has breath must praise the Lord.  

It is our praise to him that makes us more aware of our lives.

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.
Bubble.

For so long I have lived in a bubble, refusing to explore because it was dangerous or it was disrespectful, oh, because it was  ' I said so.'

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.

I want to explore, I want to write, I want to experience, I want to live with all my might.
I need to live with all my might.
Break down the concepts that were ingrained in me.

Yes marriage is great,
But why should it be the centre of my life?
Yes money grants freedom but why must I follow material wherever it walks?

I'm bursting this bubble and escaping this mindset.

I want to be more free in the way I live my life.

He said,

"Out of desperation, artists draw inspiration from their own stories in order to create art."

This struck me,

How many times have I written poems, addressed to people or things that have hurt me?

I have spoken about this before.
But, to me here is beauty in my pain.

Because it hurt; my words are beautiful.

So I refuse to let go of them.

I will not let go of them.
Looking back at them, I find it hard to let go of them.

But today, I started letting go of them.

This weird attachment to pain will no longer be aligned with my name.

So today, I start letting go of the words that record my pain.

Because it's that easy, it's that easy to let go of the reality you have conformed to.

Let go and let God.
What does that even mean?

So I drop the label.
I drop the band.

*

They call us idols.
Do you know how hard it is to forget what you have worshipped?
Why do you think it was hard for me to not worship Him in those few times I could?
Because he is embedded in me.

Those sounds that we have sung, dances we have preformed, I have become alert of those people who worshipped us because in doing that they worshipped him.
The one we sung to, the one we served.
The lullabies he loved, the sensuality they adored.

We became figments of their imaginations, roleplays that they could call on to make them sleep, we have become a game that they mentally switched on and off when they wanted to.
Their desire is to switch me on when they want to zone out and switch me off when they need to come back to reality.

For my body to be abused in their minds.

But I am worth more than that.

I too am a man.
I too am a son.
A brother.... A friend.

I am not a prized trophy.
A statue of sensuality for all to see.

...

I too am a child of God.

No, but imagine I came face to face with the people who read my poems; the people who saw my heart and unveiled emotions.

Imagine if the people who read my poems where given a bird's eye view into my life's totality.

Would you love me with every inch of your soul as I have relinquished the rights to my vulnerability by letting you see me in my full entirety?

No, but imagine if you saw the one I had written about , would you know it was him?
Would you think back to the pain in my poems and along with the bird's view of my life and know that it was he who I was talking about?

No, but imagine if you read my poems and it left a mark on your heart.
But with the same pained tears laced in my words, you tore the heart of  another being's child.

Imagine if my life comes to an end all that was marked was wistful words with no true meaning.

"We are all depressed aren't we?
We are all in some pain in one way or another.
So it would be wrong of me to speak of how bad this hurts when I know some else is hurting even more,"
He thought.

"But I am always here and I am always listening"
His heavenly father replied.

It is He who makes me whole.
Not man.
It is He who restores my soul.
Not man.
It is He who has dominion over me.
Not man.
It is He who will truly fill me.
Not man.
It is He who will truly love me,
Not only man.
So when I forget, and begin to return to my *****, Lord please remind me,
"I know the plans I have for you, plans of I good and not evil, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Good things sometimes take some time.
The eternity that you have placed in my heart, I cannot see from the beginning to the end, but you can.,
So I wait on you.
So I look to you.
Remind me o Lord that you are the only one who makes me whole.

I am getting lost in a world I do not belong in.

Do you think they will know that I am not one of them?

But what if I am one of them?

Will they ever know?

She saw her watching him;
her eyes filled with the greatest desire and affection for him.
It was too much for her.
She saw the love she held was obviously greater than hers.
And so she let him go; refusing to hold onto him when he had a greater love waiting for him.

She believed her love as not great enough.
That he was not worthy of the little that she could bring him.
So now she waits,
So now she heals.
Her love could never be enough.
Her love was never enough.

But she knew that she was enough.
Because unlike herself, her God knew
true love, Agape love.

And her God was willing to teach her how to love others.
But first,
He taught her how to love herself.

I have gone back to being way too conscious of what I post in this community.

Once again, I am scared that people will judge me for what I write.

You don't even know me.
You haven't even seen me.

Who here knows that I thought I was born in the wrong year for half of my life?

Who here knows that I was obsessed with male approval for more than half of my life.

Ain't nobody.

So I am going to post genuine poetry, not just well defined haikus or refined stanzas.

Just proper content mate.

Content that's unique to me.
You will partake in my uniqueness when you read these poems.

I look forward to it 🫡

If I had a son, I would name him Eliakim, so that the Lord may establish him in His ways, raising him up to be a mighty man of valour who seeks after the Lord's heart in all things.

If I had a son, he would be named Eliakim so that the Lord may raise him up in a time of frivolity and purify him in the land he sits in.

If I had a son, I would name him Eliakim so that he would leave a good example for his brothers and sisters who will come after him.

There is a burden in my heart, there is a wallowing in my spirit, there is a heaviness in my heart.

I want to do more in you lord, I need to do more in you Lord, I find it hard to let go of my desires and walk to you.

But with the little strength I have, I'll call upon your name and I shall be saved, I'll lean into you for help and you'll be my guide .

I come to you lord.
My heart needs you.
My strength grows weak without you.
I know your strength is made great in my weakness, so I come to you father. Please help me.

I fear judgement of man more than God at times.
Most times.
It's in the smallest things.
Take emoji's for example.

There have been several times, I have held back from putting them in my writing.
Because it may not be authentic or aesthetic.

Y'all don't know me; I don't need to impress you!

At times I might use emojis, other times I won't.

It's fine, it's fine, it's all fine.

"She uses an insane amount of emojis."
"Whether this is to reflect her vibrant happiness or her joy to see me, I don't know."

"Cakes, flowers, stars, fireworks."
"You name it, she would use it."

"But at times I wonder: is she masking her emotions with the squabbles of pictures she sends my way?"

"Because once I see strawberries and cake as a response to my, "hi" I can't see if she is upset or angry."

"I just smile and begin to laugh into my phone, I could be laughing when she is on the other side crying."


"Who?"

"Rose."