but not the crying kind of sad
the kind of laying in bed sad
where minutes turn into hours
and hours turn into days
that i haven't gotten out of bed
because there's no point
and no purpose
maybe in a different world
i'd be getting out of bed for you
but because of mistakes
and bad decisions
and calling it quits
far too early
im here
laying in bed
alone
and im sorry

i used to convince myself that you were a drizzle, not a hurricane. that you were not a force of nature but a gentle breeze that made my life better. i used that to tell myself that you weren't right for me. and i was wrong. you are not a drizzle, or a gentle breeze. you are a swift kick in the gut, one hell of a powerful blow to my stomach. you were always there and i knew you would be. you were always the one that cared more. always there, until one day, you weren't. you did not ruin my house and soak all of my belongings; but you ruined my insides and left me doubled over throwing up by side of the road right when i needed you most. you left because you were losing me. but i wasn't really gone until you left.

being a mother
is not about
making bread
and dinner every night

being a mother is about trying to understand
and not gossiping to your friends about my bad choices when i broke up with the boy who
i decided
was not right for me

and believing me
when i told you
that i had an eating disorder
that my brothers constant jokes about my weight had not helped
(i could hear you say to my father, 'but bulimics lose their teeth')

being a mother
is about
being there
when im in the kitchen crying and i know that you can hear me
but you do not come out
being a mother is about hearing the tinge in my voice
when i say that i honestly don't know when i will be ready for school
and the day
and not accusing me of attitude
but hearing that i am struggling
being a mother is about
supporting me
and not telling me that you're waiting for my next mental breakdown
and that im foolish for taking on so much
and trying to do well
because you think i can't do it
well
then maybe i can't do it

but you have failed
a mother's essential job is to help their children conquer the world
and you are not helping
it's mother's day tomorrow
but i do not want to celebrate
i'd say that i'm sorry
but i'm not

happy mother's day

there's a definite weight in my chest. maybe my heart is just made of lead or maybe it's the weight of my regrets pressing down on my ribcage. i'm laden with disappointment, it rests on my collarbones and sleeps on my shoulders, slowly pushing me six feet under.

something's got an iron grip on my heart and i know it's not a person but there's no doubt in my mind that there are fingers squeezing the blood out of my heart like a ripe orange, trying to stop the beat beat my chest is being controlled by an invisible hand that is crushing my ribcage and compressing the most delicate parts of me oh im sorry that i can't love you but dear god i cannot breathe somebody please help my face is turning blue all i'm looking for is an escape from this hell can't you hear me screaming i am choking on stale air i am tired of where i am oh
living is difficult when you've forgotten how to breathe

what about
me being bulmic?

screaming at you how my brother had caused it
i completely lost it
begging you to open
your ears for a moment
‘bulimics lose their teeth..’
ran up to my room
listening through the floor
hearing how ‘stupid, ’and ‘dumb’
you took me for

one year later
‘wow, its horrible
how skinny she’s gotten.
bulimia, its awful!
doesn’t happen too often
oh, do you know what that is?
its when girls puke themselves
the sickness overwhelms
quite awful, you can tell.
you would never do that,
right, my daughter?
you know better, you’re skinny'
(yeah, we’ve got her)

it’s funny, isn’t it?
what people forget
always the things
you would never expect

sometimes, you can't feel the sunshine and you can't see the flowers and there could be a fire roasting on open coals inches from your hands and you could still not sense its warmth. sometimes you just can't help it and ******* im so ******* sorry that you're telling me you love me and i cannot feel it.
i'm living in a fog and it's not lifting, all i can see are the headlights that are all coming at me, all approaching rapidly.
i skinned my knee but it doesn't really hurt. you left me for her but it really could be worse. all i know is i'm alone in this big empty world. sometimes the sun is shining but you cannot see it. do not scold a blind man for just not seeing. do not fault a boat for being rocked by the water.
sometimes it's all one can do to not be pulled under
i promise i'm trying to swim but i fear i am more a rock than a fish; meant less for the water and more for the ground

At any moment I can pretend it’s all okay,
And that’s just what I’ll do to get through my day

I’ll sit and I’ll smile, I’ll chat and I’ll wave.
No one sees through the way I behave.

When my feelings creep up on me once again,
I’ll push them away till they creep back in,
And I’ll cry, way past ten

When it comes time again to go through my day
I numb myself, and the pain goes away

The best part is, you don’t even see
you would never imagine all that’s happening to me
I hide behind my own brick wall,
Build to hide from myself, the thoughts, the words, and everything else
Sadness captures every thought,
My capacity to love is becoming wrought
I can’t tell you what’s happening, deep inside, but I can tell you to please, be very kind
Because you’ll never know when there’s a kid just like me
Crying themselves to sleep without a reason to be seen
They can’t ask for help because nobody believes
Just exactly what is happening to me

And nobody, ever sees
It’s part of the trick, the curse, the scene
Tragic as it may be, it’s happening, everywhere you look
Everywhere you can’t see

Blinded by the simple thought that a smile means you’re happy,
And a frown that you’re not
I can’t believe how little you see,
Shocking, slightly, it kind of is
But then I’ll think I don’t want you to know,
And as another tear drops I’ll curl into a ball
No, no, this isn’t happening
But oh it is, darling sweetie
Voices, inside your head, fight with one another, oh, who will win?
Twisted, insane and sick thoughts
Creep through your head
And you can’t tell a single soul,
Oh, you hide it so well

No one will ever know

the world needs more birthdays
the world needs more "today is going to be a good day"
more going for a morning run, or whatever makes you happy
more 'come back, i wasn't done hugging you'
'you look beautiful'
more homemade chocolate chip cookies

the world needs more good

even if it seems bad;
i know it can seem like an awful place to be
but we can make it better
just be good, you and me

we can have more birthdays
and bake delicious cake
we can make life better
just stick around, and wait

t             t    h        t               s   s i m p l y
h         e           i      h           d    c
e      m                n    a        r      a n n o t
r         o             g        t    o        e
e  a r e    s     s              w          x p r e s s

he held my hand tonight
we were ice skating
and he was about to fall
he held my hand
but it wasn't the same

it wasn't at all like the rush
i get
when holding hands with you
his fingers weren't warm
nor did they make me feel warm
they didn't interlock mine
like yours do
he didn't use them
to fix his hair
far too often
like i know you would have
they weren't callused
from pressing on frets
making beautiful music
with his guitar
and he was lacking a scar near the bone of his right wrist
his hands were neither sturdy nor familiar
and his voice did not soothe

he's not you

and that's
not okay
to me

i looked at you
and i saw the world falling apart in your eyes
i just hope you didnt cry
know that losing me is not as traumatic
as when the boy across the street made you do things when you were nine
or when your grandpa died
because i know you've only cried twice
please know
i'm not important enough to cry over
for you are far better than this

and i hope your palms don't sweat when you think of me
and your breath didn't catch when you saw my bracelet on your kitchen counter
i'll forever remember how you always touched your fingers when you were talking
and the way you you rubbed your face when you were tired
and don't think i'll forget the little scar on your right wrist
or your crooked dimples whenever you finally smiled

know that we were not meant to be
in this place, and in this time
and know that
i hope you didn't cry

you said goodbye
effortlessly
you explained
with even breaths
and walked
with even steps
out of my door
and out of my life
i shakily said
"goodbye"
and i smiled
and pretended
that i
would be okay
but it's been five months
and it's like the sun
ceased to attend morning
or the ocean
refused to make waves
and the earth
forgot
how to roll into big beautiful hills
and mountains
and i
forgot
how to wake up and smile
or walk home by myself
i learned
to spend my weekends alone
and put my head down when i saw you
with them
and her
i was no longer them
or her
with you
no longer a tree in the words
but a ****
among pavement
and that was life
without you

without you
i don't sing in the shower
or stay up to late hours,
i merely sleep it all off
but i sleep without dreaming
and love without meaning
my family knows it too well
my words are hollow
and my thoughts will follow
you took the meaning out of my life
i walk along paths
and ache for the feel of your hand on my back
ive missed you forever, it seems, in this cold-blooded world
i toss coins without wishes
and all intentions seem vicious

you knew me the best
and you left me a mess

oh, why won't the sunshine
come out

im screaming at the clock to please stop ticking seething at the moments that won't stop sprinting through oh why are you running away i am crying for the nights that i was not crying i am longing for the nights when you longed for me too i'm searching for the time i've lost because who gave it the right to just ******* run away
i'm sitting here in pieces shattered by a memory
who gave it the right
to just become a memory?

i hope the ed sheeran playlist that i showed you makes you think of me, i hope you read your stupid dystopia books and remember me reading aloud the back covers, i hope you remember which one was my favorite, i hope you ******* loved it and remember that i always had good taste, i hope your cruise was awful, i hope you know i bought you christmas presents and had to take them back, i hope you know that i was glad for the returned cash. i know that the girl that is all over you is annoying, i hope that makes you miss me because i wasn't, i hope your heart aches like mine does, i hope you're doing worse than i am, i hope you find the letter i wrote you for our six month anniversary and i hope you read it over and over again, i hope you cried this time, this isn't going to end with you making me dinner and us making out, this isn't going to end with me taking you back again, this isn't going to end with me getting hurt again; this is the end.
this is the end.

there are many things more important than those good grades we all strive for
like a healthy mental state
and friends
and good character

i could be my school's valedictorian,
but it wouldn't matter
when i killed myself

you could be a genius rocket scientist,
and still make this world
a worse place

you could grow up
and make millions of dollars
but have no one
to share it with
and be terribly,
terribly sad

so if you wake up on monday morning and your head is too heavy to lift, darling, stay in bed
stay in bed
for life is more important than letters

These heaves and sighs and faults of mine,
They haunt me in my sleep;
These failures, mistakes, and disgraces,
They do not speak of me.
The shortcomings, embarrassments, rebellions
Just come out of the flame
Every part of me that I cannot quite tame:
The hips and thighs and zits that cry "I'm ugly, don't come near,"
Cheering on my bulliers, and bringing me to tears.

so let's make friends with all our enemies
and remember things how they used to be
because life is short, but lonely nights are long
sometimes we all need to admit we're wrong
so let's make up, and let's be friends
this can't be how the story ends
life is short, hard times are long,
appreciate things like your favorite song
"when the music hits you, you feel no pain"
so let's make friends with all our enemies
and remember things how they used to be
because life is short,
but memories last long
we can all admit we're wrong
so let's make up, and let's be friends,
be okay with how the story ends

some days may be dark,
darling,
but be confident
that there will come a day
where you will not hate the fact that you woke up,
you will greet the day
sleepily,
but eager
and you will not feel the world caving in
when you're alone
in your bed
at 3am
you will be asleep
you will be asleep

one day
you will not be sad
and it will be worth it
i promise
so darling
hold on,
hold on.
it will get better
i promise

its been
six days
since ive seen you
and eight days
since you
have tried to see me
but
24 days
since we've been alone
and
38 days
since i last held you close

i once predicted
when we were happy and together
that if i lost you
it would not shock me immediately
but rather
hit me piece by piece
and that losing you
would slowly **** me
as a lack of happiness in my life
and that's what happened

it's winter break
and i've been laying in bed for the past five days
it's like i need your touch
to sustain me
and i need your words
to get myself out of bed
winter break
where we promised we'd spend
every day together
and maybe i would have gotten snowed in
at your house
(in a worst case situation, of course)
but instead
i'm laying bed
5.9 miles away
from where i want to be
and you're spending every day
with your best friend
and she's beautiful
just like you
while i'm laying here
regretting my decision
of calling it quits
far too early
because i need you

im not a poet it's just that the low grumble of your voice sounds like music and the warmth of your embrace feels like home no im really not a poet just i can't stop comparing your laugh to a drink of cold water on a hot day and your touch to the sweet fingers of the hand that pulled me off that ledge right as i was about to jump oh i said im not a poet but i look for you in everything and i find you in all the good things in all of us, you are the reference point for every person i meet but they do not compare, they do not come close, my dear, i can compare you to hurricanes and tidal waves and stormy skies but, my dear, nobody and nothing comes close to the wonder that is you

i'm terrified of you leaving me

he told me that he left because
he could "never make me happy"
and it broke me

because you know?
i could never make me happy either

and i'm so scared
that when i'm not "i can't stop smiling" and "i'm so glad to be alive"
that you won't be able to stop me
but i just want to be good enough for you

i'm terrified of being a gray spot
in your vibrant life

my greatest fear is
that i'm going to fall apart,
and you're going to let me
and leave me with the pieces

when your perfect little daughter developed into something that wasn't quite up to your standards

you tried to fix her
you bought her healthy foods
and vitamins
and expensive skin treatments
and makeup
that she did not request
and you would wake her up from naps
and constantly tell her
to do all her homework
you
tried
to fix
every
little
flaw
but i wouldn't listen to you
so you tried to send me to therapy

BUT YOU WOULDNT TAKE ME WHEN I CONFESSED THAT I STRUGGLED WITH DEPRESSION
AND THAT I COULDNT HANDLE IT
AND THAT I WANTED SOME HELP
YOU WOULDNT TAKE ME
AND YEARS AGO
WHEN I STILL CARED
i requested the same things that would make my teeth whiter and my skin clearer
i requested them
but my life is not about my standards
you are trying to fix me

if you recall
when i was thirteen
i first confessed
my eating disorder
and throwing up after eating
and that my brother teasing me about my weight
wasnt helping
you did not try to fix me then
so *******
*******
don't dare try to fix me now
you may succeed in fixing my face and my hair and my teeth
and you may eventually convince me to listen to you
and get me
to lose some weight
stop sleeping so much
and staying up all night
you may fix all those things about me

but i learned how to be okay a long time ago
all by myself

so you will not fix me

i have always been a gentle person
i walk on my toes,
i speak softly so that i'm always repeating myself
i always set my plate down slowly so that it makes no sound
i always check before i cross the street, before i make a decision
i've always been cautious

but you, i loved without holding back
with you, i had no second thoughts
i was more sure about you than i was that the sun would rise tomorrow, or that one of my legs will always be a little bit longer than the other
i rushed into your arms,
without looking both ways, without making sure that it was okay, without checking if anyone else wanted to be in your arms
because for once, it did not matter to me
i screamed your name in the middle of the night when i woke up from a nightmare,
called you up and told you that i was lost without you,
without looking around to see where i was
without checking
because i knew i was lost
without you

i never had any doubts

glass heart
painted red
you are dancing but your eyes are dead

glass heart
prettied up
lines on eyelids but it's not enough

glass heart
starved all day
wasit tiny, watch her waste away

glass heart
all taped up
you are smiling but your edges rough

glass heart
pointed shards
hurting others, leaving scars

glass heart
cold to touch
i know sometimes life is rough

glass heart
icy case
inner warmth, revealed one day


my dear glass heart
please make it through
it may hard
but i believe in you

a memoir

i don't love you but hello god it's six months later and i'd like to thank you for allowing me to meet such a beautiful human being

you made it difficult for me to believe that anyone else really loves me does anyone else really love me if they won't jump mountains and cross deserts and swim oceans and run miles? because you did. and you did.

you're burned into my eyelids and you are ringing in my ears
i can sometimes feel your lips from hundreds of miles away but tonight all i can say is thank you god
it was an honor knowing you

we are the generation of young poets
our teenage minds all intertwined
and reaching out in dark ink on light paper
behind a name i don't call mine

we are the generation of young poets
who paint with knives and blades
and write our tears away

we are the generation of young poets
scared behind a screen
typing "i dont know what's happening to me"

we are the generation of young poets
unlike one ever before
we are the generation of young poets
and hopefully, we'll make it
and we'll be back for more

my heart belongs to no one
you were always and forever the only one
to make the stormy skies brighter,
to make the dark places lighter
so we could face the coldest nights
with each other by our sides
so we could fill the plainest day
make all of our worries go away
my heart belongs to no one
you were always and forever the only one
to make it all okay.

Oh I'm lost out at sea

Because peaks require valleys
Bright streets require dark dangerous alleys
You are my sunlight
But today's only a rainy day

And this storm will surely blow away

if you could stay,
until together
we slowly waste away
you'd make me the happiest person i knew,

except,
you would insist;
except for you.

both of us would know that our statement were true,
the happiest two that either of us knew

this is the future i dream of with you

i hope you miss me
like i miss you

i am always in bed, but never asleep
and constantly smiling, but never at peace
by myself, but never alone

it's me that you're haunting
we've been down this road

to the doctor's, and then back home
i've said this before
please leave me alone

and ill try not to read your letters
and forget the time i heard you say
"my life has been better since i met her"
ill pretend you're okay
pretend im glad that i had it my way
act like i don't miss you at all


august, you drowned while others swam
found yourself alone in your room
again and again