to whatever lies in the cosmos i pray to thee
i pray with all of my dying breath that one day this pain will ease
i pray that i may find a love who will cherish thee and adore every part of me that you ceased to explore, but would implore that it would be mended to your satisfaction
oh heavenly beings above
i am disregarding my beliefs for your mircales
give me a love that is fair
give me a love that is kind
give me a love that for once in my life, isn't unrequited
oh hellish beings i wish i could loathe
keep your sins to yourselves and grant me some mercy
i have been through a lifetime of hell that my heart can no longer endure
oh to the intergalactic fortune holders
please rewrite mine to one that tells of a love so pure that shakespeare rises from the dead to see how the stars aligned

your eyes were the thing that got me hooked, the first dose of your drug. then, you made me feel special and worth something, the second dose; the addiction was growing. and as time progressed, my addiction grew and my vision became fuzzy, and you became all of me. that's when I overdosed. and now you're gone and I'm just an addict with a pen. I think it's time to become sober. my dear darling of a drug, this is where the pain stops and you become nothing but a memory and I begin to detoxify.

wandering fingers
exploring unknown landscapes
tracing over
unknown terrain

the desire of youth,
two lovers inside
thoughts filling their minds
of forbidden
actions

wandering fingers
discovering new worlds
all for the same purpose
to evoke
a
feeling

the seconds turned to minutes, those minutes turned into hours, and then eventually days, weeks, and months.
I could see all of the time passing, sprinting past me like I was in a race with time, but I was always falling too far behind.
Time got faster and the faster I fell, deeper and deeper into the darkness, and now I have caught up with time.
With that I have caught up with everything I suppressed deep down, time will always win the race of how long I can suppress memories.

how do you make someone love you when they never did to begin with?
how can you show them the universe you crafted for them when it’s not your right to anymore?
how do you tell someone you love them in the first place?
what does it take for the human mind to realise the mistakes it has made?
would a sacrifice of a heart suffice? I suppose it’s too late for that
why do I repeat to myself over and over each part of you that made me fall s deeply in love?
why do I remind myself of each euphoric moment we had? just so reality can bear it’s fists and give me more bruises upon my ribs, they won’t protect what’s left of my heart much longer.
why must love do this? I thought it was sweet and kind, but I guess even the grind reaper has a disguise.

you're out in the world
living life how life should be,
a holy matrimony between happiness and
the desire to see another sunrise

you look like the sunrise
you feel like the sun glowing on skin on a cool afternoon
you sound like the happiest melody the birds can come up with
you make me feel... warm.

but alas that warmth always fades someday
my body is used to taking the sun's rays and turning them into sheets of ice on my skin, forever wanting me to wreath it a pitiful shiver
you're living in the ways of those who think that golden is eternal
and while you're out there, i'm here

sitting alone
writing ****** poems about how my mind likes to take everything good that happens and destroy it because it thinks i don't deserve it
i hope i don't destroy the sunrise, but the sun always sets right?

i lit your red roses on fire
ignited by the spark of my red lighter
finger tips stained red from the flames that flickered
from the crimson red petals i picked
maybe that’s why we confuse love and hate
they both bleed the same
red

i didn’t tell you i loved you that day
the day we sat around and did nothin
the day we watched my dog and i stared at you for about an hour, in awe of your being
the day i sat and watched you become distance from me
the day i had to ask you to kiss me
the day of prom where i felt like an alien in your arms, the same day i began to realise that we would no longer be “we” for much longer
the day you broke my heart and treaded all over it
the days i sat and cried over you but still kept on talking to you like nothing was wrong and that i was totally okay with you breaking my heart, yes of course we can still be friends
the day i saw you after all this was said and done and we went out to eat for my birthday and i was still so in love with you and i think you knew it too, i didn’t hide it very well
the day after all of this had passed, months later, and i saw you and you kissed me agin and told me you missed me but to not get my hopes up about anything escalating, you’re  still not ready for a relationship
i didn’t tell you i loved you, because i knew you wouldn’t say it back
i told you i loved you, and you said you loved me too
i said you didn’t and you took that as a shot to the heart, an attack on you
you told me you loved me in a general “love”, you loved me in all aspects but also not all aspects
and then it all hit me again and i remembered why i didn’t tell you i loved you to begin with.

and in that moment
in the pale moonlight
I knew i had traded in my lust for love
just by looking into those soft brown eyes.

i do not believe that we are destined to be
i do not believe that the star dust that makes up both of your beings holds a magnetism that attracts you to me
nor do i believe that fate brought us together.

But i do believe that you and me
are somehow perfectly made, to be
to exist with each-
other in harmony
i do believe that my hand fits
so easily
in yours and that my
heart beats
to the same beat
as yours

i am attracted to toxicity
in the same why a moth is to a flame

toxic friendships keep me on my toes
take take take take
everything i am
take all of the meat and leave nothing but bones

toxic thoughts fill my brain
ultimately destroying every brain cell
because they act like nuclear bombs do when they decimate

toxic lovers, toxic love
the sin i cannot cleanse myself of
the flame the moth will always fly to
because its irresistible flicker always look different
it's unlike all the others, just like all toxic lovers

oh the pain that ensues
keeps my body cold for days
which you wouldn't expect from a moth who was scorched by a flame

Tell yourself you're worthless a thousand times a day
create a work of abstract art on your arms, blue veins aren't the only lines painting the canvas
forget what a smile looks like, but remeber what happiness felt like
sleep the days away, become a night owl and your prey is your own brain
**** every ounce of humanity that once remained
become the lifeless corpse you pictured in your grave.

Revive yourself
begin to sew the open wounds back together
start to remeber what a smile was and taste the sweetness of the sun in the day
live in your warmth, thrive in happiness
did life truly get better? are you finally happy again?

revert back to your old ways
the golden days were just a figment of your imagination
a wonderland of sorts

happiness for you my dear, is never to be truly obtained.
you're worthless remember? you don't deserve it.

you lean in
give me that look that says “my god i can’t believe you’re alive”, you make me feel worth something
we kiss, you deepen it, light and gentle is never enough
hands run all over, trying to find where x marks the spot
strike gold, get lucky
we stop, i like you.
i go over again, only two days apart
the story repeats
i like you, you lust me
you think i’m pretty, a nice statement piece
a treasure locked behind closed doors, just another plastic participation trophy in the open
i know i’ll see you running around with some other girl, and i’ll still be here convincing myself that i’m over it

One hour ticks by, no reply.
Two hours, three hours, four, I don't think I can take this anymore.
At hour five, I get a reply saying the same old "hey sorry babe my phone died."
I reply in an instant, knowing I shouldn't but it's become an instinct.
And now the cycle repeats, one, two, three, four, five, five hours with no reply. This isn't love, this is lies.

I fall asleep and my mind wanders back to you

it wanders to places I've never been and things I ave never done, but every dream involves you

It's as if something inside is foreshadowing an adjacent future, but my mind tends to turn lies into truths, my mind thrives on false hope and fantasy.

My mind tries to make everything alright in the depths of the night, but as soon as my eyes are wide, all of the sadness creeps back inside.

and then it all repeats, the white lies start to play in  my mind, as soon as i close my eyes.

i wanted to know love so badly
craved it’s attention more than anything
begged every night to be met with love’s miraculous acquaintance
i wanted to know the beauty that love had to offer those it greeted

love and i met randomly
it was a spur of the moment encounter
but i guess in my pleas i wasn’t specific enough
i didn’t meet the love i had hoped for, the love i had pictured
i met the love everyone can never outrun, i was faced with unrequited

unrequited wears the same mask as love
for awhile, makes you think you’ve met true love
but after sometime
unrequited reveals its identity but you’re heart is too used to its mask to realise
and then one day, you’re struck with reality
and the mask of unrequited fades
and you’re left with a broken heart and a mistake

let the darkness consume all of the light,
like the transition of morning to night. the sky will become starless,
like in outer space and the heavens will call my name, wishing for me to come home.

i'm so sorry i care about you more than i care about myself

i'm so sorry i would take a bullet for you without thinking twice

i'm so sorry i ask if you're okay all the time because i have trouble believing anyone is and know what it's like to lie about being okay when you're not just to get by

i'm so sorry i want everything to be well for you and happy

i'm so sorry.

i'm so sorry i care about you more than i care about myself.

put your hands to the sky
drop to your knees and cry a river of salty tears
scream out into the open air
scream until your lungs give out
yell every sinful crime you've committed
beg for forgiveness
beg for a second chance

you're reminded that you've been in this position before
only before it was an act debauchery mixed with a hope for an act of god
but now it is a full blown plea for mercy and a god like miracle
both scenarios pleading for god
and in this moment you remember that you will never find god on your knees
because god does not exist within the hollow shell of whom ever it may be you are worshipping
god exists within your own being

do you ever feel like wanting to cry
or even die
after coming down from a high
because all everyone ever does it lie
oh, sigh.
sometimes i just want to fly
away from everyone's watchful eye
goodbye.

sprinting hand in hand down narrow streets
running around unsuspecting bystanders and passerbyers
laughs echoing off the skyscrapers, louder than all the taxi cabs and mixed up conversations of the city
chasing the pink sunset that reflects in golden hues off of the concrete jungle

walking hand in hand around the edges of the lakes in central park
dancing on subway platforms to street performers unique melodies
falling into attraction in between musty lps in dimly lit record shops hidden away in greenwich
falling in love in vacant coffee shops or on apartment building rooftops

the city is where nostalgia takes a form of reality and where chaos disguises itself as a form of surreal serenity

the darkness lives
the darkness thrives
the darkness takes you on a drive
and leaves you stranded in the bad places


-f.r.

i missed the feelings that used to arise when your eyes met mine
the same little devils that caused my heart to explode and mind to race into universes unknown
i missed them so dearly and wished for them to return
my heart was better off with them than without, a matter that made no sense when they hurt it so whilst creating phantasmagoria
replaying days in my mind that i tried so desperately to forget
getting rid of the little devil's tugs on my heartstrings and getting over what used to be
then suddenly, you returned
and the waves came rushing in
like a day i can't forget

a what was to be a stifled yawn escapes her lips
fingers rubbing at tired eyes as if if she rubbed hard enough she could make the purple rings underneath blend in with the colour of her skin
body feeling weighed down on my some force to be reckoned with, one much stronger than gravity
a sleepy haze overcomes, but she doesn't seem to  mind this kind of tired

being so well trained in the fine arts of what tired can be
she smiles knowing that this tired is one of the good kinds
this tired isn't like the kind of tired you feel when depression becomes you rbest friend and no matter how long you sleep the sight of the sun still burns your eyes and you feel like deadweight being pulled by a string
or the tired that follows a fit of tears and shaking, the tired that made a love affair with anxiety and you hope for nothing more than for this affair to be over for your sanity

no this tired, is different.
this tired keeps the smile on your face when you wake up from three hours sleep knowing that it was all worth it just to get a simple hello from the one person you've been dying to talk to all day
an I love you from your best friend all the way across the ocean
the tired that reminds you how you felt while your eyes were burning and begging to be **** when you saw that your world and his had met up o the same day even though the time zone would beg to differ that he's not as far away as he seems anymore

this tired i do not mind
this tired can overcome me any day
as long as this tired continued to feel like the tired you get after you've soaked in rays of golden sunshine for a bit too long

the world once seemed so grand
every night I would wish for morning to come faster, eager to see what tomorrow would bring
a smile adorned my face and a sparkle brighter than the stars twinkled in brightly lit blue eyes

things have changed since those innocent days
dreams and aspirations have been replaced by reality and doubt that there will ever be a future i want to see
the night time seems so heavenly and i am eager to sleep for it means that i am as close as i can get to dead, shut out the demons of the daylight and be at peace in my

faded into disturbia
felt like i was floating
couldn't see right, night two of devotion
you looked good to me
i hope these lingering attractions fade away
you were a one timer, a say hi and goodbyer
you were not supposed to take up a space in my brain to fester over
i am nothing to you
took hits just to work up the courage to talk to you
we haven't spoken since the one time
i wish i was more than a one time
but you, you have a new long time that i didn't know i wanted to be
took another sip to try and suppress you
took another hit to try and forget you
but there you still were

turn on the shower to the hottest it can go
undress, peel off the first reminder of your nightmare
watch as the steam fills the room
step in under the water
the scorch doesn’t sting anymore.
sit and ponder, over think everything you know
cover your hands in soap and scrub every inch of your skin
try and scrub the devil’s touch off your skin
turn off the shower, look down and your fire red skin, the water felt cold.

brush your teeth for what seems like an eternity
you’ll never get lucifer’s taste out of your mouth or the devil’s kiss off your lips
spit, watch the blood drain down the skin, you scrubbed too hard, but didn’t feel a thing.

sleep
try to escape the demons in your dreams
surprise, they’re in your dreams.
they are your dreams, you don’t dream darling you live and breathe in a walking nightmare constantly.

how do I get you to listen to me?
these words feel like venom slipping from my lips
but when they reach your ears it's as if the poison has turned into feathers and you pay no attention to them

how do I get you to listen?
there's so much I crave to say, so much I want you to hear
but alas it all goes unsaid because you'll never care anyway

how do I get you to listen?
I have relinquished every part of myself to you
but you, you ignore all the parts of me that don't give you some sort of ****** pleasure and I am left to feel worthless, like another book on the shelf
left unread, untouched, just pretty to look at and skim when it satisfies your wants.

sat in the chair
changed everything about it
the finale to getting over you
bleached the **** out of my hair
cut an inch off, you never liked short hair
the girl in the mirror no longer looks like the girl who loved you
the girl in the mirror no longer feels tied down to the idea of ignite a burnt out flame with damp matches
she has sewn her heart back together, it no longer feels the pain
the closure has set in

once you buy a fresh pair, the black is vivid and strong and the toe cap is still perfectly intact, no scuff to be found

but after time, chucks wear thin and your favourite pair gets tossed and replaced with a replica that is never as good as the first.

it’s confusing you see, because if you loved something so dearly, a few scuffs from memories and love wouldn’t be such a problem, if anything you’d hold onto those worn up chucks as a reminder that love will wear things down, but the wear and tear is the most beautiful thing because it means you’re settling.

but i guess you don’t like things that are old, which must be why you treated me the same as your old chuck taylor’s.

“how are you?”

“well I’m not too sure you see. I’m sad all the time but do not know what it means exactly. I can laugh and smile still but feel no happiness. It’s like a forced laugh and a forced smile basically telling myself that you need to act as if nothing is wrong. But when I am alone, everything becomes quiet and sometimes silence is violent but there I sit. In deafening silence, being overtaken by my old friend I call darkness. I am falling, deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole once again, this time I don’t know if I’ll make it out. but to answer you're question, I'm fine."

grab the bull by the horns
look at it dead in the eyes
see the danger of the flames burning within
remember that you are the red flag
you control the fierce beast that it clutched in your grip
one mistake, one flaw of reasoning and your fate becomes the bull’s decision
the bull is getting impatient
you release it from your grip
the bull with its new found freedom, stands still, stares at you as it lies down
the bull has surrendered itself to you
be gentle with him, he only wants your affection
and in that moment you realise that the bull is your heart and you, you are everything you have ever inflicted upon it.

such a big world, full of so many people.
so many people in the world,
                    why do i feel so alone?
                    why does it hurt to breathe in       the oxygen that keeps my fragile heart     from dying?
                  why does the sun scorch my skin when it makes everything else glow?
                  why does everything seem to be caving in?
                 why does everything hurt?
                  why do i feel this way?
                    why do i not want to be alive?
            why does it hurt, to be    alive?

smoke a cigarette
gulp down a whole bottle of *****
hook up with a random lust
scream
cry
run down an empty street
try to feed the demons, intoxicate them with filth
repeat.

nothing ever works.

i look at him as if he's the starry night
with the same glossy eyes and my heart races a mile a minute.
oh it's bliss but it's hidden,
and i don't know why but i always crave his attention
and seem to miss him..

the first time the rain soaked our skin
the droplets felt like kisses on my skin
the next time, the rain felt rough
like tiny little pin ****** or an untuned violin
the rain feels like cascading bullets upon my fragile body
it no longer soaks you, only me.

wake up
drag yourself out of bed, despite its resistance and pull on your dead weight body
aimlessly wander, become aware of how difficult it is to drag around a full 100 pounds of bones and flesh when all you're so physically tired for no reason
force yourself to get dressed, don't bother to make yourself look presentable, you'll hate the outcome anyway
stare at the hideous reflection of the human embodiment of death staring back at you, looking straight into your stone cold blue eyes that scream out "death" from their lack of shine and purple puffiness

"is this what it's like to feel sad?
should i drink that extra cup of coffee? it won't do anything besides increase my anxiety, i drink it for warmth but i believe i have turned as cold as a statue "

go on with your day, get home, sleep, and repeat the cycle again tomorrow

I see you both, walking down the street we both know too well

You look like lovers, you most likely are

But then your eyes meet mine, and I swear they have something inside

A look that screams "I'm sorry darling, but my love is not for her, it is for you."

I look down at the ground, tears already threatening to spill

I couldn't help but think to myself, "if this love is for me, then my dear why are you still with her?"

An unrequited love but not everyone can have their happy ending.

you glance at me
the look you give is enough to propel me into an amnesia that allows me to forget every ounce of pain you ever inflicted upon me
a bouquet of pink roses is handed to me
as if you’re asking me to ***** my hands on the thorns as i pick the petals, wondering if i’ll ever land on he loves me
a haze casted over my eyes
the rose tinted curse, everything seems to be blissfully nice

point blank
straight into the eyes
pupils dilated, about 3 mm or so

rapid elevation
Where you aware you have high blood pressure?
no, I didn’t have palpitations before you

flicker
“we’re loosing her, fire up the defibiralltor”
bright lights never seemed to be so comforting
“clear”


pitch black
I don’t think I was afraid of the dark
But what scares you will eventually **** you.

The fires burn brightly in her eyes, flames of the revolution hidden behind frosty blue irises

crimson red blood boils inside, a desire to change the current state of the nation causes a rise in body temperature, she is the ultimate power

rage against the way she and all those who are being wrongfully oppressed by a corrupt system that does not deserve the title of justice creates a chaotic master plan for the rebellion that she will be the spark

but in this war machine, I get the greatest sense of what the revolution will be like because I can taste the rebellion in her kiss, dripping off her lips like cinnamon

scorched rose petals led the way
to the land of the greatest heartbreak
begs and pleas of "stay"
scattered about like love letters
torn pictures and broken frames
of what once was a love
that withstood every test of time

the land of the greatest heartbreak
serves as a reminder
that even in the purest of romances
when the clock strikes midnight
it's time for goodbye.

i'm your girl
girl you kiss
girl you hold hands with
girl you hug
girl who you walk to class
girl you show off to all your friends
girl you talk about to your dad
and mum, might i add
girl who is always going to care
girl who will never fail to laugh at every single joke
girl who likes you a lot and she hasn't felt this way since him and he ****** her over so hard to the point where she's scared that she'll only ever be to you what she was to him, an object
girl you accidentally call girlfriend
but take it back so fast
but the second its out in the world, i smile wider than any other human on any other continent
but i'm your "unofficial" girl, for now.

stare deep into my eyes
can you see the grim reaper staring back?
do you see any form of life within the blue?
look at me, look at the state i’m in
can you see how skeletal my body has become? how frail and weak?
do you see where the exhaustion has eaten away at my skin and left purple rings under my deadly eyes?
did you ever think that you would be the reason you stared at death in the eyes?
did you ever think that this pain, this treacherous pain would all come from simple words that slid off your younger like butter?
i know your in pain to look at what you’ve unknowingly done to me
darling, you’re eyeing death up and down and staring at the grim reaper, please be polite.
after all, it’s because of your doing that you’ve been greeted by a corpse.

finger nails digging into skin, drawing blood from the crescent moon shapes on calloused palms

matted hair in clumps on the floor from constant fiddling turned into ripping

purple bags under what once were eyes that sparkled, all hope inside the pale blue irises now put out like a match's flame

constant shiver from the frosty embrace of the ghosts of old lovers pulling her down into the depths of her already prevalent sadness

they say it's the things you love that eventually **** you, here's just another statistic

spark up the lighter
feel it burn the tip of your thumb
light up the demons
inhale their love
blow out all your worries
in a puff of tobacco smoke
fell yourself succumb
into their fake love

crack open the bottle
feel the burbon burn
as it trickles down your throat
let the warmth of distorted happiness
engulf your soul

pour out the pills of hope
let the pretty colours cause you
to overdose
sit back and feel the numbness
shut down your body
a false moment of freedom

make your addiction
a romantic affair
the most epic marrige
you've already maded the vow
'till death do us part, my love.

i loved you, sometimes i think i still do
there are many things that should make me hate you
like how you left and how you made me cry too
how you said you were protecting me, but you only cared about you
there are many things that should make me hate you, but I don't, not even a little.
I believe that somewhere along the lines of our hearts intertwining, yours twisted and took mine away, because now my heart still races at the thought of your name.
or even worse t the memory of the constellations of lies in your eyes and how they reflected my suffering, but i took that as love.
but, in the void you left in my mind, everything is now shifted, there is no good, there is simply just evil.
hear all evil, see all evil, speak all evil.
You left me to die, but I still see the flecks of pain as lust in your eyes.

the replies came few
he stopped saying i love you
i gave into the distance

the replies came faster
i became happier
he says i love you.

the stars, they're in your eyes
galaxies and universe fill your mind.
I no longer see the stars, all i see is a black void.
A black void to represent empty space that now fills my heart where you once lay.