In life I struggle,
To share my feelings with others.
My logical facade,
Is the flimsiest of covers.
Underneath rages a fire of emotion.
I find myself incapable of release.
I find myself living without peace

When I write my heart does the work.
When the pen hits the paper
My emotions escape with a relentless flow.
I spill it all and out it comes.
Waves of feeling that I cannot control.
Rapid flows of pain and joy crashing into one another.

If only I could talk to people like I can to paper.
Maybe then I’d be a better man
Instead of a lost little boy with nobody to hold my hand.

On that day,
When the sky clouded over,
All the heroes stood Shoulder to shoulder.
Villains on each side with tears in their eyes.
They each took a turn,
To show their love and to say goodbye.
None hurt more than peter.
He was held up by tony and reed,
For they feared that the boy would fall due to weakness in his knees.
They all lost their creator,
That is plain to see,
But peter lost his father,
And now complete is something he will never be.
Peter screamed out, Please just take me. Don’t you dare leave me!
Where will I be without him, My father, Stan the man lee.

I came into your life ten years ago and for the longest time you just didn’t want to know.
I understood your feelings, but still it caused me pain.
On the day I entered your life, I changed what I am.
No more being selfish, time to be a better man.
For you deserved more than the life had gave you.

You were separated from your mother, by a cold and evil hand.
All I could do was watch, and weep where I stand.
All the while you hated me, and so you took a stand.
I wanted to be there for you, to support you, and to hold your hand.
They all told lies to you, about who and what I am.
So for your hatred, I get it, I truly understand.
In recent times you have grown into the finest young lady I know in all the land.
In recent times I’ve tried to show you, and make you understand,
Just who, what and why I am the way I am.
I feel we have grown closer, but that may just be where I stand.
I hope you grow to love me, and respect who I am.
But if you don’t, I get it, I truly understand.

I will always be where you need me, no matter where you stand.
Because to me you are my daughter, I hope you understand.
I had no part in making you, because I’m not your real dad.
If I was your father maybe a better life would be had.
Maybe not for you, but definitely for me.
These people tried to separate us and prevent us from this bond.
But no matter the circumstances, for you I will always try to be strong.
It brings me joy to see you succeed,
It tears me apart when I hear you weep.
I just hope that one day you’ll want to come to me.

I should have listened to my mother,
She told me to think before I act.
After all the struggles in life I wish I could take my thoughtless actions back,
But I can’t so that’s that.


Running this race of life,
Leaves you feeling like you just might,
Get up and disappear into the night.
I don’t want to do that, I know it’s not right.
But here I am thinking I just might.

A life of bad decisions,
Thrown in with indecision,
Mixed up with a total lack of precision,
Has left my soul feeling like I’m missing.

It’s too late to change the past,
But I need to move fast to make the future last,
And indeed to watch the present pass.
Life could have been easier, it could have been a blast.

It’s a dog eat dog world,
Or so they say.
But for me it is worse, unending pain.
I feed the dogs and provide them with support.
But when it comes to reciprocation, those dogs fall short.
Do I deserve the love I give, back?
Or do I deserve the pain of this knife in my back?
Should I be the enemy?
Or am I allowed allies?
Wherever I draw the line I am the only one on my side.
Nobody to help me,
And nobody to care.
When I fall down I can count on the floor for support.
When you fall down you have me for support.
I catch you when you are falling, and save you from impact.
I stand you up and I dust you off.
I wipe away your tears using nothing but love.
You look up at me with disdain before you run off.
It hurts me bad and it cuts me deep.
But never in your life will you care when I weep.
Why do I do it, I hear you ask.
But explaining myself is an easy task.
I treat others how I want to be treated myself.
Even if reciprocation is never felt.
I will never get treatment for my broken heart.
My feelings are deep,
And indeed heavy.
I carry it on my shoulders even though I’m not ready.
I hold it up for you on a daily basis.
Atlas had the world on his shoulders,
That’s an easy job for him.
I carry eternity, and a fight I’ll never win.

Writing, for me, is an escape.
An escape from the hatred that surrounds me.
An escape from the people who want to hurt me.
An escape from the people who send attackers after me.
An escape from the people who use others to get at me.
An escape from the darkness that lives within me.
An escape from the darkness that lives in you.

Between you and I
There has been pain and struggle.
You say hurtful things but think I live in a bubble.
You run to him with your lies and expect me to accept it.
It hurts my feelings, it cuts me deep.
But nonetheless I try my best to provide you with what you need.
You need love and I give it in spades.
You need support and I hold it up like atlas.
You need consistency and I make sure that I remain unchanged.
But no matter what you still run to him.
You tell him lies about me to make home like you.
He’s your dad, I’d never get in the way of that.
But I love you kid, surely you know that?
I tell you my feelings don’t matter but really they do.
Every time you do this it cuts me in two.
But still you expect unwavering support.
He picks you up and drops you whenever it suits,
But still you insist on cutting me in two.

Being a stepparent is a fate worse than life.
I spend my time feeding into relationships that will not stand the test of time.
I am here as support, no matter what you need.
But no matter what I do I’ll never be he.

He who made you,
He who abandoned you.
He who caused you pain.

No matter what he does, you love him all the same.
Whatever I do I am looked on with disdain.

Being a stepdad is the hardest of all work,
Using me and running to him,
It makes my feelings hurt.

Yeah he may have made you but he never put in the work.
I don’t want to take his place,
I just want peace.

For you to love me will make me forever pleased.

I see them watching me,
All eyes aimed at my life,
Everyone trying to see,
Waiting for me to trip or stumble.
I may fall, I may fail,
But no matter what I will pick myself up,
I will restart my game,
So I can try again.
No giving up for me,
Surely this you can see?
I will always push forward,
That’s the only way I know how to be.
Life is hard,
That’s a fact,
A truth for us all.
So worry about your own life,
Rather than waiting for me to fall.

Yes I know my sense of humour is dark,
But if you didn’t want to know then you should not have asked.
Yes it offends, that’s the aim of the game.
But it’s all in jest, done in humours name.

No you don’t like it, but why should I care?
If you don’t like me or my humour then stay over there.
Because when you whine about it I will fail to care.
When you complain about it you will get aired.

I don’t involve myself in your pathetic goings on,
Never at all, not even once.
So stay out of my life and mind your own for once.
I’ll never be interested in your life, so leave it you ponce.

You’re a fully grown man, that I can see.
But a pathetic little boy you will always be.
You want to give your opinion but really there’s no need,
We’d get more useful info from talking to a tree.

Your mind is tiny but your voice is loud.
You have nothing to say but you say it so proud.
I don’t care what you think and I never will,
So stop flapping your gums and keep them still.

Call whomever you like and feel you need,
Bring your army to little old me.
I will politely ask you all to leave,
And when you don’t I’ll call the police.

Who am I?
Am I a person I like?
Or am I the living embodiment of all I despise?

Do I get to choose?
Or do you decide?

Am I judged on my actions?
Or on the person inside?

What if the outcome is negative when we decide?
Do I give up who I am?

Abandon myself for your adoration,
Or continue on as me despite your abhorrence?

Life in this day and age,
Just as it has always been,
Is filled with anxiety, stress, and pain.
Are we enough?
Should we change?
Or is it ok for us to stay the same?
Nobody knows and nobody cares.
Only you can decide,
It’s your life and your mind.
Stand on your own two,
Just like they always told you.
With no support can we really thrive?
With no lift from others can we truly fly?
Indecisive in our assertions,
Second guessing our actions.
Our entire existence based on others reactions.
We are an ever growing mess,
Tell me, how are we to make any progress?

You wonder why your life gets darker,
Yet you treat people like you are their master.
You are using ****,
And a liar to boot.
You want love and respect,
Yet only say stuff you?
Grow up you pig,
It’s time to be a man.
They are your children,
Don’t you understand?
You tell them lies,
And feed them with hate,
Yet here you are wondering,
Why are they late?
You reap what you sew,
Or so they say.
By that measure you must be surrounded by hate.

My impact is small,
Difficult to see.
My efforts are enormous,
On show for all but me.
If only my impact came close to my effort,
If only, if only.
Maybe then it would be worth it.
My mark on this world is tiny,
My own expectations it did not meet.
The energy I put in is endless,
So vast it makes me weep.
When will my hard work pay off,
Will it be after I’m gone?
If that’s the case then I don’t want that.
I want to be noticed now,
Not remembered after.

The day I lost you, I also lost myself.
You and I stood on the edge of the abyss, and together we looked over.
With your hand in mine we fell in and never stopped falling.
Further and further into the infinite darkness we go.
On the day you died, I died too, I’ll never be able to let you go.
That moment consumes my every thought, it taints my every feeling.
We are forever falling into the darkness of the universe.
Destined to be swallowed up and never return.
Your hand in mine for eternity, my son and I indefinitely lost together.

Life is flowing,
Rapid and uncertain,
Like a river carving it’s path through the land.
It twists and it turns,
It relents for no man.
Rapids and waterfalls,
Are all part of the journey.
There’s no way to prepare,
So we all set out early.
No matter the course we take,
Or the length of the ride,
Our destination is the same,
We all get there in time.
Some of us fight it,
And that’s ok.
While others lay back,
And let it sweep them away.
Do what you want,
Not just what you think you can.
We only ride once,
So be the best person you can.

Every morning I wake up early.
I hate getting up, but a lay in is just not for me.
While the others in the home sleep, my mind starts to race.
Out of this warm and cosy bed I get, and around the house I pace.
Before much time has passed boredom gets up and takes it’s terrible place.
The silence of the house is deafening, almost like its screaming in my face.
Every moment that passes by has all gone to waste.
If only I stayed in bed this morning, rather than evacuating with haste.
Maybe then I’d be less bored, or at least no longer be awake.
But here I am awake again, like the sun and I are in a race.
One day I’ll get to sleep in, and wouldn’t that be great?
To have a restful nights sleep may be just what I need.
But the universe has other ideas when it comes to me.
It wants anything and everything for me.
That is, of course, with the exception a good nights sleep.

I don’t really want it,
But you tell me I need it.
Hands reach in to take what I have.
More hands reach in to take what I need.
You have plenty, so why take mine?

They say it makes the world turn,
But it does not turn mine.
For me it does a good job,
When it comes to making it stop.

My bank balance is low,
But my head is held high.
If only I could feed my children,
Using my own stubborn pride.

Only then could my babies eat like kings.

There are times in life when we all change
Nobody is born then stays the same.
Every single moment of every single day brings its own engine of change.
Who you are today is not the same as who your were yesterday.
Why fear change when it’s the only constant in your life?
Why fear difference when it’s the only thing we have in common in life?
Embrace the change,
Try not to stay the same.
Because the effort alone will drive you insane.
Constantly fighting the change will drive those you love away
And you’ll be left wondering why everyone changed.

Through all my struggles it’s hard to say
Which for me was truly the worst day.
There have been so many disastrous days,
But one more will end that I can say.
Stress, pain and struggle is all I know,
Down is the only direction I go.
If only things where different then I’d know,
What was the worst day that I’ve ever known.
Life is built on experience,
This I know.
There’s more to life than existence,
At least I hope.
For now it is darkness,
Just like I’ve always known.
I bear this weight With sadness,
I carry it alone.
My feelings are in turmoil,
My life in disrepair.
My heart hardly beats,
It’s been beaten in there.
My mind is closing in,
It’s a war in there.
Overall I’m falling with nobody to care.

One day I may be made to pay.
To pay for the crimes of my past
To pay for all the pieces of broken heart
To pay for it all.
If I could travel through time and change the past I would.
I would repair and repay all the damage that I caused.
I would undo all the destruction
And bring order to the chaos
Unfortunately I am unable to travel back in time,
Instead I am just waiting.
Waiting for the day they come and take me
For the day I have to give retribution
For the day I have to forfeit my own life
For the day I get what I’m owed
For the day you get what you need
On that day it will be the end of me.

Good and evil exists within us all,
Nobody is one of the other.
A line we all share,
A balancing act of biblical proportions.
There is no god,
There is no devil,
There is only us.
Our failings,
Our successes,
Our imperfections.
Only us and our actions.

Love is a fickle thing.
It changes its mind,
And makes your head spin.

Over it we have no control,
It’s completely spontaneous.
No matter what we do our hearts will roll.
All we can do is follow where they go.

Our hearts lead us,
Our heads look on in wonder.
Life as a human has complexity,
Infinite in their number.

Trying to figure it all out,
And exert some control,
Is nothing but a fools game,
But it’s all we know.

What we are and what we will be
Whether as individuals
Or all together collectively
Can be defined, But only momentarily
Our definition is fluid
Our destination undefined
All we are on this journey,
Is along for the ride

When you suffer,
I suffer too.
No matter the situation,
I am right there with you.
When I see the pain in your eyes,
A little more of me dies.

I have failed you,
This I know.
I should have protected you,
But I didn’t know.
You never came to me,
This is my fault.

You were left to struggle on your own,
You were left in a world of hurt.
To see that hurts me,
To not be able to step in kills me.

My feelings are irrelevant,
This you and I both know.
Your feelings are the most important,
If only you believed though.

I received a call today,
From someone whom I call a friend.
I did not want to hear it,
Not those words you had to say.
My friends are my family,
So it’s safe to say,
That you my friend, are my brother today.
Through the hard times,
I hope I can say,
That my support you will have,
And by your side I will stay.
If I could take away your pain I would,
But instead I will stay where I stood,
I’d take it for you if I could.
Tell me what you need,
And for you my brother,
That’s what you will receive.
It’s scary as hell,
When you hear you may lose a friend.
You my brother, from now till the end.

All I do is fight,
It is ingrained in my soul.
To stand up for myself,
To defend my position,
To me is all I know.

I am tired now,
I just want to lay down,
To accept oppression in my heart.
To give up being me.

I am trapped,
Leaning on who I am,
While being crushed by how I feel.
I am losing this fight.
I have lost.

We fight with all we have,
We lose the things that we never had.
Life is one submission after another,
We aim for one, but achieve the other.
We are all here standing,
Ready to take our number,
Completely unaware the we are all going under.
The will to fight is nothing but illusion,
The want to continue is born of confusion.
We all stand strong,
Yet in the end we fold.
We all talk a big talk,
But only our words are bold.
We can give up now,
And be forever content.
Or we can continue,
And be further broken and bent.

We are all fallen,
For we are all weak.
As we travel through the ages,
It is wisdom we seek.
In ignorance we bathe,
And in darkness we stay.
We allow our blindness to mislead on this day.
For we are no better than we ever once were,
The illusion is comfort on this blue and green earth.
But fear not and rejoice, for all is not as it seems.
Because to change your own world, you just open your eyes and see.

Is it enough that I am me?
Am I really all I can be,
Is there more,
Or am I less.
Do I really have limits,
Or just boundaries to test?
I strive to be better,
But achieve stagnation.
Is this mediocrity really cause for celebration?
I judge me and I do not pass,
The strength of my heart is brittle like glass.
My soul weeps with pain,
Will it last?
Or is it just another flash in the pan,
A prang in my heart.

When I am lost,
My identity cannot be found.
When I am down,
The sky cannot be seen.
For right now I am swimming in a sea.
A sea of indifference.
Truly a dangerous place to be.
I could be happy,
I could be sad.
But no,
I am just...

Should I listen to this devil that lives within?
Should I let my anger out? Or should I hold it in?
All these thoughts and feelings are making my head ring.
I’d love an easy ride, to feel free enough to sing.
But instead I am stuck with this devil inside me, battling.
It’s a war of attrition, one that no matter what nobody can win.
It’s a terrible position that we all find ourselves in.
You run the race wrong when you enter to win.
It’s time to change tactics, you can’t possibly sustain and survive the sprint.

If you knew before you started,
Would you have made the decision you did,
That lead to you departing?
If you felt the truth all along,
Yet held your tongue,
Is it me that is truly in the wrong?
Life is ever changing, twisting and turning,
The decisions we take,
Determine the outcome of our journey.
Goodbye for now is all I can say,
You may come back to me,
Yet that day is not today.

I’ve had times in my life that make me unworthy.
I’ve committed acts that make people what to swerve me.
Knowing what I know now,
and if I could do back to the days of early,
Would I still be so undeserving?
Or would the world serve me?
Would I be a king?
Or just another urchin?

Worrying about it now will never serve me.
So I try to make my future work for me.
Push on forwards, keep on fighting.
Maybe one day I will do the right thing.
And if I don’t at least I tried,
I’ll be able to say that on the day I die.

Winning is losing,
In such a different form,
Losing is winning no more

As I sit here consuming the evenings last few conscious thoughts,
It occurs to me that the thoughts in my heart do not match the way I talk.

I talk of kindness, care, and of love, And of putting everyone around me way above.

I think and feel that I could ****, at the slightest drop of a hat.
Normal people do not think like that.

Knowing what I am is the scariest of thoughts.
Knowing I’m undeserving is a feeling that I’ve caught.

The darkness that resides within me, consumes my every thought.
Yet I have the audacity to walk a kindly talk.
I have the bare faced cheek to ignore my darkest thoughts.

They are part of me I know, but I must not put them on show.
The darkness is my failing, nobody else needs to know.

I have come to a crossroads in my life,
Pain goes left and suffering right.
Do I turn and take one road,
Or do I stay here with nowhere to go.

I am at a loss as to what I should do,
If only I had some guidance,
Maybe even from you.
Someone somewhere, just tell me what to do.

I really need some help,
But this you already know.
I stand on my own,
With nowhere to go.

Here I am in limbo,
Waiting for someone to want to know.
Here I am feeling empty,
Fighting the ebb and flow.

Watching you grow through the years I’ve known you,
Has been a journey of twists and turns, of joy and of pain.
Through all of this there is something I’d like to say.
Thank you for teaching me so much about myself,
Thank you for making me a better man,
Thank you for all the love I’ve felt,
Thank you for everything.

For you I am so worried,
Getting myself worked up into a flurry.
I need to know you’re safe,
Or if I need to take you out of that place.
To me you are my world,
For you I’d destroy the world.
To you I am an annoyance,
Always questioning your safety.
I fear that one day you may snap,
And turn around and hate me.
I just hope on that day you choose to live your life safely.

Running and running,
I hope they don’t catch me.
Ducking and diving,
They better not find me.
My crime is horrific,
But the punishment is worse.
It seems to be extreme,
Hardly befitting my transgression.
All I did was speak,
An exercise of self expression.
Is my inner voice really that obscene?
Or are you chasing me just to be mean?

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
And sorrow is in the heart of the sufferer.
But as I grow weary and older,
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
I often stop to wonder,
Is this life the same for me as it is for the others?
Do they feel the pain that flows through me?
Or do they look on in wonder?
Are you proud to be my friend?
Or will you turn on me in the end?

Life, as you travel through, gets you in its twists and turns.
Traversing the ups and downs will leave you feeling consumed.
Squandering the ups and downs will leave you feeling consumed.
Squandering the ups because the downs deplete you.
You need to get up and fight, not let it defeat you.
You barely have the strength to stand, yet giving up does not exist within you.
You are all in, you’re fatigued, you’re spent and your tiered.
Your soul is just another victim of the comprehensive depletion.
You’re a hollow shell now, but still you don’t surrender.
What do you fight for and why do you stay?
Do you battle this world for just one more day?

When I speak I stutter,
As if there is no worth,
To the words that I utter.
My thoughts sound out in a jumble,
A mess that cannot be deciphered or untangled.
My thoughts are clear but my sounds are a mumble.
If only I could convey my message,
Give to you my thoughtful deliverance.
Instead I make myself look like I am swimming in ignorance.
When I write my words are clear,
But you’ll never see it because of my fear.
My fear of failure,
My fear of disappointment,
From you, in me.
If only I could share my mind,
So you could see things through my eyes,
So you could feel these feelings of mine.
Because my mouth does not connect to my mind.
My mind is sharp but my voice is weak,
I feel nothing but shame,
When I speak my bumbling speech.

When other people get involved.
It ends in disaster.
They think they know best, like lord and master.
When really they are just jealous catastrophic disasters.
If you don’t like it then leave that’s fine by me,
But don’t destroy my relationships with the people I need.

That person right there means a great deal to me,
But that doesn’t mean that you have to destroy my feelings.
There’s room for everyone or no one,
So take your seat.
Spend less time shouting at me.

My feelings get hurt,
Not that it matters.
My emotions get ignored by all others.
I may lose a friend I’m yet to see,
I just hope the worst doesn’t happen to me.

Life is costly, With all the time we take.
We spend our lives worrying about what we’ll make.
But when it’s all said and done it’s all about the total spend.
We have a finite amount, And none to lend.
As sad as it is, time kills us all in the end.
So spend it wisely and create no waste.
Enjoy what you have and forgo the haste.

Our time here is short,
So make the most of it while it lasts.
The only way is forward,
So don’t worry about the past.
Your past mistakes are gone,
So leave them where they are.
Your constant self imposed burden,
Is the only reason they live on.
Learn to let them go,
Before it is too late.
Your future will be brighter,
If you learn to let go of your mistakes.

Hey you,
What are you doing today?
How are you feeling,
Would you tell me if you’re not ok?
I am here if you need me,
No matter what you have to say.
I am around if you want me,
Would you like me to stay?
Am I an annoyance,
That just gets in the way?
Or am I what you need,
When you’re having your worst day?
I want to help and support you,
To be what you need on any day.

We seem bleak and heartless
Cruel and uncaring
Through the darkness we look
All we feel is you staring

There is no rest for the wicked
No reprieve for the wise
No peace to be had
This is the world
Shared by you
Seen by me

Life is a war,
Concluded ultimately in death
There are no winners
We all have nothing left

When can I rest?
When all the work is done?
Or when all has fallen around me?

Can I stop now?
Or do I have to keep going?
Do I have to keep struggling?
Or am I allowed some peace?

I need to know,
I need my questions answered.
I need your permission for me to stop,
Because it’s hard work putting you on top.