i miss being in love

there was wildness in all the breaths i held for you
so much life in my legs when they ran to you
did you realize how many streets i crossed,
how many days i stayed,
all this food i harvested
just for you.

loving you was brighter than simply loving me.

and everytime i come to you,
everytime i listen to your hurt or your joy,
to your brightest ideas or your worsts,
and everytime i let you bring me closer and make me small in your arms,
every single time,
it's because i chose
to keep on loving you.

under you,
back to chest,
powerless yet willing,
move me like a doll
if you want,
i trust you with
my whole body,
say the words to me,
the ones i
long to hear,
and move
over me
like you mean it.

so tell me, what happened to us ? how come we were so close but the bonds stay so fickle, ready to be torn apart any moment now. i love you all, and you all love you, but how come we can never quite reach the stars.

it used to be me, so insecure and packed full of doubts. afraid i was the replaceable or the replacement. and now it's you, afraid of being pushed aside so badly that you end up staying on the road by yourself. afraid of losing the food, the hand who fed you and lashing out instead, pushing the hand aside, the body dropping with it. what good is it now that it spilled everywhere, tell me ? hold the hand, embrace the body ! the stars are here for us or we were made for them but i

i don't wanna lose the circle we made. it's growing, it's changing, let it breathe. let it breathe. tell the circle you love him ! tell him ! love is offering up your whole body and heart and knowing it might be torn apart but at least you did it. you went there, you showed the strenght beneath your skin and the stars inside your eyes and the circle will grow thanks to your risk. love, is a risk. it's simple, it's raw, it's scary all at once and it makes us stronger like it always has.

love isn't the poison you spill around you, or it might be but don't let it win. save yourself, save your body and your heart, your strenght and vulnerability, save your breath, hold the hand, show yours too. tied together, we could be five or one, but the stars wouldn't burn brighter than we do.

A clean house and the knowledge
that i can see you again sometime,
that we're both happy
is all I want.

where your heartbeat used to rest, next to mine
i was hoping for you to come back, watching the news with everyone around me,
waiting for the pin to drop,
and it did !

i miss the rivers and the lakes you know,
wish i could reach for the stars always but right now
i just wanna reach for you,
and get drunk on the feeling
of you and your laugh and your soft voice and the way your smile gets pointy when you're truly happy, the way your beauty grins move around your face like living creatures,
the way you say my name
each day again and again
the way you ask for me to come back
anytime i'm the one who leaves.

i can't ask you to fill the hole in my chest
i'll fill it my own ****** self but know that ;
i miss you.

you think that people won't love you if you don't put in the effort,

that they won't stay if you're not here all the time and ready to listen, and

you do not have to be a comfort
to be deserving of love.

and so, no one has any obligation to prove their love to you,

for it to exist still.

it's the golden one that you want,
that which is burried deep inside of me,
you dont want the heart who beats the same song
for everyone it meets,
its charm blinded you into reaching
for more,
for more,
for more than that, even.
its not all of me that you love, then,
your fingers only crave the sad embrace
of my golden heart,
i'm not giving this one away.
i'm not.

if you are a house,
then i am only a brick
use me to build you up, lover
i know all of your tricks

if i were a blouse, honey
you’d be the mannequin i’m laid unto
my buttons carefully caressing you
wrong fit, but i’m trying to

there is no gentle story in which both of us
can coexist lately, pretty

you are the feet and i am the shoe
you walk around with me,
but i’m just stuck with you
put me up on your dresser, so anybody can admire
the glow of my leather
if you loved me more, lover,
you’d untie me to you

we are friends,
and I'm so afraid of getting into your bed again.

maybe I should've read more about love,
to understand its meaning.
maybe I should've told you from the start,
maybe I should've heard your part.

maybe i was just hiding behind pride and shiny things,
maybe the shame i hold inside myself was too big to be left unseen,
bright colors and silky clothes, dozens of rings and necklaces, and the swish swish of oversized chains on oversized pants on oversized everything,

all meant to hide the ugly swirls of my hands,
the highest notes of my voice,
the round parts of a body i cant stand to see from your eyes.

or then again
it could just be called surviving.

sometimes it just feels wrong, being me,
what am i again ?
my own one million dollar question
after all these roads and broken ankles,
trying to fit in, then out, then
getting stuck.

ended up sitting on the curb,
for months, waiting
maybe time will chose for me,
cause my wishes will be ripped from my hands,
any way.

i sit, and my bones are crooked
from all the stress
and its agony,
i sit, and
i wonder
tomorrow, can i even just 𝘣𝘦 ?

Sometimes i wonder if i exist in someone else's sketchbooks,
a tiny drawing of me living.
My life captured by learning hands

I think about the pictures people hold on their phones or albums,
The ones i didn't realize existed but still have a little moment of who i am

How many spaces have i filled that i simply didn't know about ?
I want to count them all and know, see how much i breathe in others' eyes But

I'm okay with me
I exist for me
I don't need that kind of comfort except for curiosity.

the wonders of your palms and their beating hearts,
all the glory they held, all the lines they made come alive.
i was so blinded by you,
nobody else compared, it's true.

i won't ever love again like you,
I'll be better at it instead, make a home out of myself and be the first one to step in, my hands,
wonderful hands,
will create the world if they have to.

almost fell asleep, a few moments ago,
thinking about asking if i could kiss them,
an everlasting question of desire and want and curiosity,
so could i please
know what it is like to kiss you,
i ask politely,
to the friends i hold close like lovers.

almost started dreaming, a little bit after that,
imagined you not even asking, but getting
close
and closer,
and taking the kiss from me,
and me giving it to you willingly,
because with you it's something else,
i want you to want me.
we wouldn't even have to be polite about it,
you, the lover
i hold close like a friend.

you could put your arm right over my arm,
lock your eyes into my eyes,
and i'd ask you to go wherever i go,
or let me stay wherever you stay.

tell me to walk right ahead,
and say you'll be right there to take care of me
through all the messy parts of changing and
maybe for a while,
we could grow a little bit older together
unfit lovers that we are,
until my body gets weirder and bolder and
more beautiful than I could've predicted.
and you could fall for me then,
be a little selfish too,
ask me to wait while you're the one walking,
or to follow when the change is in you,
and i would,
i would.

so what if i died right there,
mouth wide open,
killed by the number of rejections my body has had to suffer through,
mine first and then the rest,
a grief made out of pebbles and rocks and other sharp objects.

what if i gave up, right now,
body crumpled in a knot
of all the hate it has received over the years,
yours first and then
the one i started throwing at it too.

there is only so much time one can save before the ticking of the clock gets too much
to keep walking in dry lands.
show me the ****** water
let me drown in it,
I should be the king of me.

A peculiar little bird, quite fond of the warmth of
Summer flights,
Has been found perched on my branches
For quite a while
Singing.

A friend to most, quite dear to me,
This little bird
Attached his nest quite messily,
Then went around with evening's glee,
Flying.

A crooked fellow, he loved to sow
Sweet little seeds,
Happy to grow
In the bark, in the soil,
Everything always nurtured in joy,
Glowing.

Alas,
This winter, it seems the cold took you away,
How sad to see a tree with no song,
Left alone in decay.

At last,
When spring comes back around,
In the sway of leaves going round and round,
Like a choir singing along,
Perhaps will be heard another song.

there's something beautiful in the devotion of
needing someone else's skin on you so bad that you ache without it, feeling their absence like a pit inside you
and their breath next to you like a blessing come true,
the love that doesn't come from your heart but from your guts, pulling your whole body into it.
i wanna feel that kind of love,
the ugly and raw side of it,
wanna be breathless from it too.

feels like the most relieving thing that could happen to me,
not the act of it,
but the thought of leaving and being remembered for a while
as a bunch of stories and words of wisdom and weird connections,
and maybe the color i wore the most will remind a few about me,
or maybe the clothes i left behind will find another holder,
but then at some point,
i wil be forgotten, and isn't that peaceful.
to have lived, and seen, and talked, learnt for so many years, and your existence will have mattered for some and been invisible for others, until eventually
you die,
and the world goes on without you,
and you will have been a small part of it.

Feel like a rabid dog, waiting to set his claws in any moving legs,
I'll bite and bite and bite
I'll tear the flesh, chew the bones, swallow the bits and pieces and ask for more
Feed me once and we'll both regret it,
I can't be kept from touch when the craving gets so deep.

I've read poems about doves and stones afloat in rivers sunlit by the warmth of summer,
and poems about love so intense it cuts you into tiny pieces of longing.

But where is the poem I need about
despising yourself so much it aches,
spreads around you like a sickening disease and leaves your body to rot in shame
and self inflicted panic.

About not being able to pour anything but cowardice in every action you take,
about feeling so alone that
you end up eating yourself.

About hate becoming fuel becoming fire becoming ashes
of you.

You did this to yourself,
What poems can help you now ?

there were a few citizens resting high on my shoulders,
wishing me sweet nights and mellow days,
i learnt to juggle so they could stay perched safely over my body.
my back yells sometimes, at me but never them, about how their houses are made of bricks and their bricks are made of pain,
i dont listen, i keep on going,
the little people need me to protect their houses
and if my shoulders can be tough enough
to make them warm and happy,
shouldn't they, then?

in march, i stopped breathing.
one entire year spent stumbling,
and then finally, a friend to us, lost,
never to be heard again, seen again,
in my memories, he keeps on smiling
under the fireworks he lit in all of us.

to the lost ones, to the ones who keep
flailing and flailing through any cities,
any families, any wishes,
i pray for our feet to walk sturdily
to flee our own sorrows, our sad
mistakes, sad, like everyone else's.

what's the difference between you and them
they'll ask, and so will you,
what made it so special, created the sparks?

maybe it's the width of your shoulders,
how they will never yield even when they get too tired to move,
or it could've been the way you smile,
how it makes a room brighter, halfway between a child and a boy and someone with way too many wonders inside,
or it was how strongly you feel,
how brave you try to be when you reach out, when you talk,
or it's just how kind you are,
how soft you make me,
maybe it doesn't have to be explained in facts and souvenirs,
and instead it can just be.

i love you, and it's stupid how easy it is to love you,
so don't be mad at me or you or God when i tell you,
please be glad for my feelings,
because i am proud of them,
and i don't feel like hiding any part of me.

he is the lover,
he asks me to come to him and he wraps me up in warmth and he
feeds me like i deserve it, loves me like we would die without it,
he whispers that he missed me, these few hours we were apart,
asks me if i am willing to give more and i always am,
then keeps giving and giving and ringing out the
tenderness in his hands,

he is the lover
and it scares me
how happy one person can make us.

it pours out of me like fire and i let it
it feels so good being in love, but mostly
it's loving you that
makes it all worth it

be happy be joyful be brave
i love you, i hope it makes you stronger
just like it made me.

put your body next to mine, if you dare
and let my hands play with your skin,
they'll be soft i promise,
like two little curious things
playing notes on your stomach,
touching your fingers shyly in reverence and
nesting in your hair when they get tired.
they love you,
let them rest right there
in your arms.

birds chirp and chirping, spilling all the forests' secrets
the roots have dried up you see,
the branches ****** em dry,
the rains kept on falling last summer, tear tracks all over the house,
tonight the fox will come out, but only if the moon shines enough to make him feel warm,
and the wind kept yelling and yelling and yelling so hard
that every single leaf fell down their tree.
birds stop meddling, keep to the sky where your feathers belong and
let your beak rest for the night, tired as it gets,
because i want to learn all the secrets myself.

other people have forced me to bear the price of my own loneliness.
i was its first victim, its first culprit,
my hand, though, was not the one to take aim
and fire the most hurtful shot of all ;
isolation.

i do not look at you with vengeful eyes, because i have learnt to hold kindness preciously.
it is my sadness that is piercing, strong enough
to break my heart,
angry enough to build it back,
worse, if needed, just to go on and  
survive.

that is what you are
with your hands on fire
and my back burned to a crisp
and the soft breaths you let out
like a warning
that you are hungry for more
i know it, glutton,
you and the teeth of your fingers
i feel their want,
and still i fake sleeping.
I'm afraid, sweet one,
I'm afraid.

my face bursting open, awfully gorish,
scrapping my head on the asphalt right
in front of my house, door still opened.
the rocks break my teeth and i still
don't stop moving, i don't.
the ground must feel my pain, back to the earth
right at its center my blood should return, safe.
i tear it apart, what's left of me, this awful body
ripped to shreds, destroyed so cruelly, i rip it,
again and again
feel my flesh, see,
see my pain.
watch me.

when i dissociate from my thoughts, when i let the anger win

i imagine banging my head on concrete, scrapping the skin off, ripping everything

destroying my eyes on walls, clawing, stabbing my knees again and again and again

and i don’t scream no, i take it

i take it all

it feels good to destroy, at least i feel like

my body is at peace with my mind, i feel complete

i feel complete.

i was too exhausted to ask you for comfort,
just wanted to sleep in my bed and
forget that the day was beautiful and
still i felt unhappy,
still slumber just wouldn't take me.

yet my chest thanked you in the night when it soared and i
could feel your arms
like a feeble protection over me,
your body pressed to mine
to guard me,

i was glad to be loved by you
in this tender lonely night,
just happy to be a we.

It makes my heart beat fast fast fast
When you say you love me, more open than you've ever been before,
And i know it's because i let you take my heart with you and trusted you not to break it,
It's soft isn't it ? makes you melt,
Lets you know that love is a gift i gave you
And you give me too,
And my heart,
It does love you.

How do you feel ?
Loveless,
How do you feel ?
Full of love.

A nobody in a sea of people,
Only existing in the eye of the beholder,

Reach for me if you dare,
Love me entirely if you dare.
I've tried before,
I've tried.

and in that happiness i see myself becoming
the funniest person i ever met,
this is my most caring, most daring self.
still,
i loathe the selfishness hiding behind my freedom,
i loathe my need for more,
i loathe my undying devotion to desires so unreachable they become almost laughable.
and still i am happy, i can just tell.

I am the bravery of someone desperate enough to love,
I am its strongest, most willing soldier.
I will grab the mountains and skies,
I will paint you and write you and cherish you.
And them, too.
Can you take all of me?
Can you survive without me.

every species has its weaklings,
every tree its cracked branches,
there is equity in loss and rotten eggs, i know.

but what does the sorrow in my heart
bring the world around me
but more little drops of despair in this giant sea ?

if i cannot bring myself to love
as it is wanted from me,
if loneliness is the price i pay for a breath,

i would hope somewhere in a desert
a most beautiful blossom
dare to wake.

i only love the kindness i give to you and i hate all the rest,
what do i offer the world day after day except the bitterness of someone who can't be bothered to live for real,
what good am i, for myself.
i don't know. i don't know and i'm tired of trying.

im going crazy
everytime i feel the numbness
taking root inside my limbs
it makes me sick
it makes me dream of cars
slipping over me
im losing my **** mind
each day calculating
when ill be able to walk
if ill be able to move
when ill have the strength to shower
my body is rotten
and so am i
i want to die
i want to live brighter
i dont have the force for it
i wanna rot in peace