you kiss me
you kiss me,
that'd never happen (will it ?)
i know (do i ?)
but you kiss me
and i don't soar, i don't fly i don't do nothing of that
i just hold your hand and thank the prayer,
thank the saint, thank the giver,
i don't ask for one more, don't want it
just once, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦.

I want you so bad and you will never get it, and maybe neither will I but god,
I want to touch you in a way nobody ever has before, want my hands to worship you as if you were my own creation,
God made you soft and I thank Him for it
But your skin calls for mine and I,
I know you hear it too.

ill be far away,
ripping through the sky,
ill meet you again
in this other life,
ill believe it then
who ive decided to be.

In the grand scheme of things, I just want to be touched
In a way that is meaningful,

I fear being witness to the ghosts who lie in the hands of others,
When they are so close to mine but not close enough yet,

In the moments where I imagine
What I could be doing
Instead of doing it.

In the small schemes of things, I just want to be taken care of in a lovely way,
Craddle me, precious,
Wash my hair,
Caress my arms and
Let us not be afraid.

All along.
But it scares me shitless to go back
to the way i looked at you with softness in my eyes.
I walked all over myself so
You could breathe a little more
Took bites and bites out of my trust and flesh
So it all could stay palatable.
I know you wanna make it better,
I see you trying so hard but
We're both afraid of each other
And all the hurt our hands could collect
Without meaning to.
Sit down, lover,
Let's talk.

All along.
Bring you flowers and a kiss on the cheek,
Wash your dishes and steal your coats on the walk home alone,
Talk to you for hours and hours and hours in your kitchen
I doubted because,
I'm terrified of drowning you,
The bricks of my arms around your neck
Too heavy to stay afloat in all this ocean,
What if you told me to go home
without hugging me goodbye?

But i was allowed this much love
and than a little bit more and another,
and another and another
Because you loved me like this,
All along.

I see your body and its changes, the way your skin had to stretch, bend a little,
There's roundness in places I didnt want to touch so bad before and
I think the beauty it holds makes my hands grow hearts too.

I find you so beautiful that the words slip out in cornerstores, in goodbye hugs,
In fingers lingering for a little too many times in the
Crooks of your elbows where your skin is softer,
In the plumpness of your sides,
In your own very pretty hands.

I wanna ask if I can keep you in my arms a little tighter, a little longer.
But the world's still a witness and I get shy under its gaze,
Forgive me for now.

brushing my teeth, i look up at the ceiling and its spiderwebs,
look at the cracks in the walls and the ugly paint and all i can think is
i fell in love with you,
a while back,
haven't really stopped since.
i'm scared.
i'll brush my teeth some more,
think about it tomorrow.

if your chest big's enough for me
can i crawl in ?

i love you i love you i love you
i both want to kiss you goodbye and wish you the best day after day,
want you to find your purpose and reach your dreams and shower you in gifts all the way,
i wish i could see you grow and love and marry a man and have a family,
i want to let you fly, i wanna make you fly,
i wanna slip in your bed and not leave until my body's decided it's enough,
wanna kiss you hello and wish you goodnight,
i didn't know love could be this way
until we made it so.

realized i loved you while i brushed my teeth,
maybe i should tell you
the next time i do.

my mouth will be clean of all the dirt i swallowed
thinking i was guilty of a sin,
for loving you.

life is funny like that, because this time the sin
is only lying, and not
being born as me.

a *** and a ****.
sitting in a tree
brushing their teeth.
i fell in love first,
life is so funny to me.

In 10days this was my home
and i knew all its circuits
Then i packed up my bags
In one single moment,
didn't belong here anymore,
Took my dust with me
and said goodbye.
I came in with the sun and am leaving with it in my pocket,
The rain as my deeply felt thanks.

There is this road I take everyday,
The one taking my two feet back to their home.

Some days ago, you used to walk alongside me,
Shared the pavement, shared my hand,
Shared my bed, even.

How many times have I walked this same path,
Thinkin of you,
Wondering when I'd see you again,
How I'd ask to meet you again,
Wondering when it'd make sense again,
me and you.

I am carrying a new body now,
I've been away for a while now,
Left,
And softened my edges close to the sea.

I'll give you time,

I'll give you all the time, even.

But the road to my house is still the same,
And my mind, walking,
Still thinks about you.

Dans tes yeux je vois qui je suis,
Qui je pourrais être aussi,
Dans tes yeux je sais qui tu es,
Toujours, toujours je te verrai.

Dans les lignes de tes mains,
Je reconnais tous les galets qu'on croise aux coins des océans,
A la fois polis et soyeux, carressés amoureusement par les vagues,
Et rauques, sauvages, sculptés par la pluie et l'écume,
Prêts à affronter chaque orage.

Et quand le soleil se lève a tes cotés,
Qu'il se couche dans tes bras,
Dans les sourires de tes reflets
Dans le son de ta voix,
Dans l'effluve de tes pensées,
Dans chaque creux de tes doigts,
Je te vois toi.

in my head i touch your jaw tenderly,
let my hand discover you again and
then you kiss me, just to try, gentle.
is it so bad to think about,
kissing you.
maybe it's not the wild passion of romance
that burns within us but,
the soft devotion of a friendship so strong
it turns into another kind of love.
i welcome it, i'm not scared,
no part of love should be shameful,
especially when it's you.

I need more intimacy,
Wanna feel someone else's flesh and skin and hairs under my hands
Look into their eyes and know their body trusts me,
Know every single inch of ugly scars and hidden acnea, protruding bones and round stomach,
Wanna kiss, grab, tear apart and let the soft animals we are take over for once,
Worship,
Be worshipped,
Trust and be trusted,
Need to be pinned down like a ragdoll,
Be touched like a craving man i
want it all,
And maybe i do want it
with you.

i used to write about
living in lovers' chests,

hiding myself away
in the comfort of softer ribs,

not having to move a bit,
from bigger hands keeping me safe.


i dont want that with you.


make room for me
right beside your body,

i'll keep you in our arms
for as long as it takes to feel warmth,

i won't hide within,
i'll love you loud enough to fly

that's what i feel with you.

i hope i look at you with as much love in my eyes
as you do

you are beautiful to me,
i wish i could explain it better,
make it prettier,

you are the brightest star
the warmest blanket,
the comfort of a soft bed after a tiring day,
the flowers blooming on my porch,
the shape hands make when they mean love.

i know if im beautiful to you,
i dont understand it but im sure it's true,
i love you.

when people look at our hands,
im afraid of all they can see
of me.

what if they fear
i dont love you enough?
what if they see
all the love i feel for you?

i have to close the door
to their voyeurism.
i have to open it
for us to walk through.

hold my hand tighter,
im still afraid
of me.

You make me go quiet.

i wanna forget sleep,
i want your hands on my chest,
i want to kiss you good morning,
then night,
maybe afternoon too,
i wanna go on a trip,
i want to sing our songs on the radio,
i want your hand in my hand,
i want to live peacefully and know
you won't be too far away from me,
i want to live loudly and know,
you will be way too close to me,
i want to love you all i can,
show it all i can,
live it all i can.

I'll sleep after that.

im twenty one and the world won't wait for me anymore,
stuck between living and remembering i lived
every moment has to count,
every second a memory,
can't look at pictures
without  wanting to print them in time, again and again
what if i forget the small pieces i've lived
with you,
when i'll be alone, when the sky will have turned
grey and full of sorrow,
will my old bones remember you

time has passed me by,
and i'm so young i know but
time has passed me by,
and we should savour it, we know but
time keeps passing by,
i'd rather die happy than
bored by destiny,
just passing by

i'll soon be twenty two and that's when
talented gems start to shine,
all the words i wrote,
will they matter to anyone else but me,
will they be sang or heard,
and all i wanted to create,
can't look at my hands
without thinking of wasted potential, again and again,
what if i didn't matter at all,
what if i was the one wasting time,
and when the sky turns its back on me,
will my old bones have lived happy.

heartbreak cannot be pinned down to one single moment in time,
it goes on and on even though one might expect it,
the thrill of the ride ending quite too soon, again,
but the road was so beautiful that
we kept on making the same mistake,
because showing love is too powerful to be scared of the shatter
because pride forbids from learning, and shouldn't we be proud of loving quite so much?
so keep the heart breaking, as long as we can bear it,
maybe it'll come back stronger.

fog, all around, murk and then
beautiful trees, fruit awaiting to be bit into,
everyday the same ***** waters but delicious offerings.

my body healthy but hidden away under clothes too big and chains and accessories and other pretty things,
my heart open but shying away from prying hands who want to help and pulling back when love gets tougher,
my mind free but bound to a chair and a desk and no will to make anything come alive for long,
my hands ready but only when it comes to fleeing their own work.

happiness on some fruity corners and then the rest of the room has to be ignored, it has to
or else how am i going to move on.

i will never quite fit into my body
it won't ever be a temple,
oozing perfection and glory,
bathed in all that i wish it was born as.

my body will never quite fit me,
but it might become a home,
reflecting love and pride,
built by years of hardships just to thrive.

Sometimes i look at my face
and feel sick,
distorted, even.
Who is this, looking back,
should i cover it up
a little bit more,
should i hide it down ?
Gotta stop looking
at this weird parody
of me.

i was ready to eat the whole word if i had to

monster, by the lake
look at me, arms opened wide
i wait
for in your eyes i knew a flame
of wonder, monster
burning away my fears
of you.

sorrowful sorrow,
have you swallowed up
in your endless depths
my good
haunted friend ?
he who was waiting
for me
to come back
by the lake.

here i am, monster
this time i did not run
no,
i embraced each
cursed tree
of this forest.
i walked. no,
i crawled, no
i almost killed my self.
here i am, monster.
i do not fear
your eyes
whatever sadness
anger, pain,
hurt,
they bear.

water, show me my
face,
my arms opened,
show me the eyes,
show me the rotten flesh,
i dare look. i dare.
monster,

here you are.

i don't want to be kissed, i don't wish to be held,
i need to sit on a bus and
go nowhere,
        somewhere in this world.

these are my guts, laid on the table,
and they are hungry for more
than any pair of hands can feed them.
i don't want your prying eyes on me,
i'd rather go blind,
           i'd rather go.

lately ive been getting lost in music,
lately ive been trying my best to drown myself
in a poetic way, mind you,
i've always disliked water.

the strings, the intakes of breath before the voice gets higher,
drums and harmonies and the longing in that last note,
the one that tells you it's the end of the show,
i hear it all now.

lately ive been something, anything, and nothing all at
the same second,
lately ive been tired. lately ive been exhausted. lately ive been in bed. lately ive been out of breath. lately ive been. i have. i think i have, im sure i have.

theres this passage i like, deeper in the song,
you heard of it ? let me explain a bit
please listen to me, for a bit
share my passion, share my love, just for a bit
its all i have, this little bit
feel its lonely rythm, at least.

lately ive been saved by music,
lately ive been falling asleep.

and by that i mean,
will someone ever cherish it
like i try to do.

I've made it complicated, loving you,
But the seasons have changed,
And so did i, so did you.

purposeless missions,
                        child of wonders,
it must be remarked
                    that i will miss you.

You, who has been pretty all of your life,
the world loves your skin, the crowd loves the thin
curves and contours of your soft body.

You, who is loud like a tornado,
bright as the thunder shakes the earth,
taking up space, filling it up, making it yours.

You, who knew what being coddled truly means,
asking for it then getting the sweet delivery,
the grace of a child, its want for engulfing love.

You, who looks at me just like
I named every planet in the sky on a whim,
and maybe, just maybe, I could have,

But I am just me,
I am just me.

how long has it been since you've been feeling lonely
probably a few days
probably since you were born
lonely or lonesome, i read once, both are very different,
i think i can't accept to be more than one, i create
the **** curve
not where it starts, that is the hand of God or maybe simply
the hands of others
but i make it end.

i need to leave before
you touch too close to home, before you see the cracks
in the ceiling - there's many, but the paint is fresh always
i am happy, i am so happy,
i feel so crushed,
they both overlap,
i need to be hidden away in a cave like a
dead something, maybe a rabbit, he got lost on the way
and the winter took him for himself,
i am the rabbit and the winter and the cave and
i am lonesome, as all three.

my body and my hands and my body again and my hands again
and the mess above them who tells them how to act and to feel,
they come back and hunt me always
in texts and dreams
i want my body to be
loved
i crave it so bad and it will never go
away, the craving, but
i'm so afraid of it
this body
why is it so weird
to be a body ?
if you touch me, if you
rub my back when it gets sore, if your hands are a bit
too kind to my skin,
i will crumble to pieces. one piece then
just pieces, now,
not like i am broken, i amn't
yet you could unmake me,
like a dream that's been alive for too long,
and suddenly the pieces of it disappear
why do they
disappear ?
because the dream was too slow ! it was too long to settle
like this body exactly
so long in the making, in the accepting too, in the lovin'
the dream furniture
becomes lands, becomes earth, the dream people's faces
change,
my body will also
morph
but can i.. can i like this dream
can i accept the dream body, the real piece of work body,
the me inside it,
to be loved ?
i don't really get it the loving part,

i'm good at it, the loving part.
i've been in love all my life
with things and words and dreams and the changes in people's
faces that i know by heart,
the way his smile gets pointy,
the way he runs to your room when he's happy, like
a child on christmas,
like,
a boy i'm in love with.
i want a body with you
isn't that so ******* scary ?
i want the ****
showers together, i want the kind hands, i want
the laughter in my neck,
all the ****** attention
i want it

i'm so lonesome
i would take it from anybody but i won't ! i won't
i dont want to feel like a liar, taking from
others who love
but i don't, i don't love you the same,
i don't understand your feelings so i assume and i say
"they're not the same, they're not"
and i leave ! i leave before i understand
because understanding is knowing,
knowing is acting
acting is so ******* tiring
i need you to
deattach your hands so they can be sewed right on mine,
i need you to
read every **** poem i made about you,
i need me to breathe, a lot

a whole storm
breathed.
i need air. i need to be alone, not lonesome ! not lonely !
alone
i need to
let you have all my love, and let you have all my loving,
and then i'll create one all for me
a good, tough, sweet love, a nice cocktail, sparkly
and young
all for me !
drank by my own **** body, even
held by
my own **** hands, even !
wants and needs and all this work i haven't done, and all
this amour propre
i'm forgetting.

i don't love myself.
someday,
i will.

theres a paper copy of taylor swift stuck on the window, an acab sign in her hands
this is the start,
there's an uber driver on a bike singing like i don't exist

this is the part where im cold

here the water overflows and this street understands my journey
two strangers talking about music and growing up with AC/DC and the Red Hots, parents' music shaping you up,
they understand me too

there's leaves falling, the sounds like bricks on the pavement
i sit down, back turned to the church
i heard there's at least one spider living every two meters
im scared of them, like a child's memory never truly leaving,
but the rain has calmed down, or calmed me down, which is which
i heard that wheather is always partly in the mind
i don't resent drops and winds and lightning anymore
i made them, right ? i'm strong enough for that
if i can create water and angry skies then
why do i fear creating anything else.

and always you think you'd be better if you moved somewhere far away,
or if your room was prettier,
the windows bigger to let the sun in and the decor more elaborate than what you can afford,
but in you,
deep down, you know
the ceiling has cracks, holes,
and the walls are rotten and you 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤
you are the only broken thing here.

"But are you writing this for a lover or a friend ?"
What's the difference, a lover. a friend.
I will love both just the same,
Can't divide something so grand into tiny parts to give out,
You'll get the whole truth of me or you won't.
I'll love like the sun warmths the earth,
Shake your core and leave you breathless,
Scare the night away and burn you with how strong I feel for you,

A lover is a friend, a friend is a lover.
That's it. Just my truth.

one time i dreamt i was a boy and i haven't really stopped since.
the dream followed me around all day, as if i wasn't meant to live anyway.
dream of mine, can you stop ?
i know that you are beautiful,
i see your truth and your lessons,
the way your hands look like mine but can hold a lot more of the world in them,
i love you, i truly do,
but i am the only one.
dream i dreamt, i beg you to stop,
because maybe i will never reach you,
and that hurts me way more than you do.

puzzle pieces, isn't that interesting
the ultimate dream of them all, to fit in perfectly with
someone else, be as one, form something bigger,

what if i am no puzzle, or no piece,
what if i am the whole puzzle, ate all the pieces.
wouldn't i choke,
would the other piece suffocate me or
would i be the one breaking your windpipe with just how heavy my love can be,

i have been many many things and yet just one and i want to eat peaches with my mother in the summer heat when the wood of our outdoor table starts to burn and the wind picks up but it's too warm, so warm,
and i'll get sweaty but i'll be happy,
what if she was my puzzle piece,
created the whole game then let me paint it however i wanted,
i don't understand belonging. maybe i want to belong.
maybe it scares me,
maybe the peach can eat my fears instead.

for a long time i thought i had to be deserving of love, good enough for it
stupid ******* thought
you are loved or you aren't yet.
not a choice, an award or anything like that,
it just is
just happens,
easy or not.

maybe i can't be creative because i don't
have a life
maybe i can only exist as an artist when i remember
to exist as a being first
but breathing isn't so fun these days,
the dip in my bed, the one in my stomach,
the one in my chest,
i could make art out of more painful endeavours,
but what about emptiness ?

you want to steal it all for yourself
you can't steal 𝑚𝑒 !
i'm all i have.

     I can’t take love and I can’t take its absence.
     I have everything, take none of it.
     I feel sorry for loving too much, I feel sorry for not loving enough,
     I feel sorry for the hope I create in everybody’s chests,
     The smashing realization that it won’t ever come true.

                    Même si je ne sais pas trop quoi en faire et je ne peux pas
                    toujours recevoir le tiens, j'ai beaucoup d'amour pour toi.

today i went in your room
time stopped counting itself since you've been gone
but the dust collects and the
pink shorts on your bed
are still pink, i admit
i picked them up just to see if things
changed as fast as me,
they don't really.

i put them on just like i promised I'd do a month or so ago
it's not as fun, this color,
without you.

so i let them back on your bed,
but i changed the placement, changed the movement,
you were there once and now you're gone
and we're both the witness of it all.

pipe down pipe down,
the too strong feelings went away like smoke,
i love you on the regular dose now
can't tell whether i feel relief or fear
think i loved the idea of you too much
but im good with me now
calmer alone,
you are the wind that makes the flammes burn a bit brighter
and not the whole fire,
i am the whole fire.

through the cinematic glow of fishtanks,
i see this strange, drowning reflection
of a little portion of my self

in these ***** waters, rocks, pebbles,
feeling more human than any mirror has done me the honor,
a child. radiant.  a child,
brilliant,
a child.