It is said that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results

Call me crazy because I will repeatedly repeat and never learn

Maybe I don't want to learn because I love the cycle of yes and no and mostly no

Even though it kills us both
We are insane because we know that it is wrong and that's the way it has to go
And yet we try, and don't try again and again
And the pen etches into the page the same stanzas

The monotony sounds like harmony
Because in our insanity we are happier and unhappier than we will ever be

I would rather die waiting for change than to be without your sweet disappointment

To relent and reclaim my sanity would be a tragedy because I would have to write new stanzas and my pen is too in love with our poetry, to welcome a new subject

For the sake of my pen (at risk of her heartbreak) I will reject the cry inside of me to run to reality

While the hurricane proves pathetic fallacy outside of our window
We breathe lunacy and embrace


Insanity

Getting thinner and thinner
and skinner and *****
and gloomier and weaker,
unhappier and paler,
depressed more and crazier
and messed, death-obsessed
and stripped to the ribs 
and scarer and thinner
and lighter and paler,
less pretty, enslaved and
less happy, not happy,
Auschwitz-like, so horrid
self-killing, deploring,
and faker, unhappier
and skinner and broken
and scarer and scarer
and thinner and thinner
and thinner and thinner
and ghostler,
and death-like,
fibre-glassed,
dead thin,
dead,
inside and out.

the truth about happiness
is that is never lasts
not really

happiness is fleeting
like a balloon
after you’ve filled it up to fly
tied it and all
but the tie was loose
and so
eventually
it would fall

the oxygen escapes the balloon
like happiness escapes us
little by little
we become the least bit unhappier

when i fell in love with him
it was as if i received a balloon for a very first time
how happy he made me
gave me a high like no other
but again
the tie was loose
our happiness wouldn’t last forever

soon there was a day
where the euphoria wore off
the balloon left for the skies
and he followed
so i was left
to drown
in my own sadness
in the ocean
of my doubt

happiness is fleeting
quick
taken for granted
it feels like a once-in-a-lifetime thing
and you just missed it

but life waits for no one
so i kept walking
and there, i found you

and my dear,
i would find out
that you made the world a little less bleak
gave me a little hope
made me a little happy
when i did not think i could feel happiness again.

there were still days
where i fell back into the darkness
and my happiness dissapeared
but you stayed
and each time
you taught me a new form
of “happy”

and you told me
that to be really
truly
happy
more than loving you
i needed to love me

for if one day
you could not walk the same path as i
then my smile would not wither
like the flowers you gave me
or die out
like the love i gave in return
— and they did

so the truth about happiness
i was right the first time
it doesn’t last
not really
not with someone else

the only way to achieve “eternal happiness”
is to find that happiness
within yourself

I am happier
interacting with
happy people;
I am unhappier
interacting with
unhappy people.

Therefore,
when I make others
unhappier,
I make myself unhappier
by giving myself
unhappy people to interact with;
when I make others
happier,
I make myself happier
by giving myself
happy people to interact with.

***** sock law
states satisfaction is not done  

                                          there are things still to be done

like the commodities of sanity

                       that bathe every street
as Leo Szilard street--avoid the police, avoid the police.
                                        Her fake fur coat
  cleaves                 the words against her lover              off
              from the veranda stench.
"You're never angry with me."

                                                       standing in Moscow
                           passing out pamphlets
                                                            abou­t Communism.
  "Everything I want
                 and I
          couldn't be unhappier."

Sudans pass by, catchy music plays, and the waitress is late
                                                                ­                             with our order.

I often find myself alone
And that's when my mind starts to probe
Why no one cares
Why my heart is cold
And hard as stone
Why I become unhappier as I grow
And why my heart is
Blacker than the night and a crow

Maybe its because
I have no friends
No one who cares
Enough to stop the tears

I have spent many nights
Sad,searching for a friend
And the people I find
Always leave me uncertain
Lord,Father
Help me
Please stop the hurting
Shelter me from my enemies' eyes
Please be my curtain

Fill me with the strength
I need to keep moving on
Cause with a twisted life like mine
I have no choice but to be strong
I try to let them in
Let them break down my walls
But once I do
That's when it starts going wrong

They leave me
Continue with their lives
And don't look back
And I remain here
Thinking bout the lack of trust
That I have
All I've ever wanted was a friend
To make this sorrow end

Maybe I should stop loving
Because it never lasts
Stop building castles in the air
Cause they are not there

I cannot deny what is real
Its clear I don't appeal
And I always face this ordeal
And this weakness I conceal

My loveless heart has had enough
I don't know where to start
But let me tell you
My heart has the deepest cuts
One more heart break
Will tear it apart
I don't know why
They don't understand
That I'm a human being
Who needs love

Pictures.

Photographs.

What I don’t understand

Is why we never took any together.

I took some of you.

Hundreds of you.

But you never wanted to

See my 2D face on a rainy day

Away from home. Did you?

What I don’t understand is that

I am nothing like the others

You have had before.

I am above and beyond

What any person could want

In another simple human being.

But that isn’t what you wanted.

Is it?

Let’s see.

All of your past experiences

Have been somewhat the same.

Exactly the same, in fact.

They all Spoke the same.

Acted out the same.

Treated you the same.

And when you came running back

To me for advice

You ran into my arms

And crawled up onto

My chest to make the

Pain go away. Again.

But when it was my turn

To fill in those A typical shoes

You gave them all to wear,

You couldn’t be unhappier.

I’m not what you expected,

Was I?

Even though we’d known each other

For years on end

Back to back

Shoulder to shoulder

And you still never

Figured me out.

Fair enough.

I thought I knew you too.

But hey, who’s fooling who now?

I don’t know.

You tell me.

I just wish you

Would have told me sooner.

Do you remember
When you confessed
About the strange woman
Do you remember
How you cried and begged
For my forgiveness
Thats how I feel
Every single day
Guilty shameful
Sorry and regretful
Do you remember that feeling
Like your heart was broken
Because you hurt me
Thats what its like now
I'm broken because
My past can't be erased
And I hurt you
And I feel that shame
That heartache
Everyday
I feel like
My mistakes
Shouldn't hold us back
But its all they do
They bubble to the top
Of your unforgetting mind
And can't be washed away
Or stirred in
For the time we were together
I buried those painful memories
Because I had something new
Something real and wonderful
And now you released the memories
Like they werent three years ago
But just last week
And I stew in my shame
And I wonder
Why it feels like this
Because I was faithful
And yet that fact is so insignificant
Im sorry for my sins
Im sorry that i was lonely
And nothing and wanted
To be wanted
Im sorry I laid there instead of fought
Im sorry they never asked me
If its what I wanted
And just took
But you should know something
I made a promise to God
That I would never again
Lay there and take what I didn't want
That I'd try to be stronger
And I've kept that promise
And I plan to for the rest of my life
I told God I was sorry
And that im not who i use to be
And that I was thankful
Because I changed only when you saved me
And he started answering my prayers again
Because the reason I didnt believe in him
Once upon a time
Wasnt because I doubted him
But because I fear He saw me
And ignored me by not bringing you back
Because at first I prayed for you
And then I stopped
Because I lost faith not in Him but myself
I degraded myself into nothing
And I feared that He couldnt help
Or wouldn't after what I did
So I turned my back
And I've asked for forgiveness
And He gives it every time i breathe
And He gave me forgiveness
And showed me He was there
Because He gave me what I wanted all
Those lonely years
He gave me time with you
And I know that this wont change anything
Because nothing will
You want fairness
Even if it ruins everything
Your willing to feel that shame
Willing to commit that sin
With a soul you dont love
To take revenge
On what God forgave me for
To take revenge on a girl
That has long since been dead
And I understand
I really do
But that doesnt mean
It doesn't **** me inside
Not because what your gonna do
But because what your gonna feel
Your gonna feel that shame that I do
Every time you think about it
Or whenever its brought up
And I just dont want you to be unhappier
Because you thought it could fix things
Because I dont think thats how it'll be fixed
I think WE need to work on it
Remind each other that
We have so much together
Too many memories and dreams to just ****
I think we can fix things
Not with other people
But with each other
And with God.

when i was in seventh grade i thought i was thin
i had never looked at my body and thought it wasn't good enough or compared myself to anyone else or gave a **** about the numbers.
when i was in eighth grade a girl called me fat
it resonated with me. it bounced around in my head every second of every day and i began to look at other girls and see that i wasn't like them, i wasn't thin, i wasn't perfect, i wasn't good enough.
when i was in ninth grade i started to believe her
i hated my body every night i would lay awake and pinch my fat and cry until i fell asleep because i hated myself and everything about me
when i was in tenth grade i stopped eating
i remember the first day like it was yesterday, i took more food than the other girls and for the first time i noticed. i didn't eat like a girl and maybe not eating would make up for the years i'd spent as a whale.
when i was in eleventh grade i knew i was thin
but i didn't care. a girl saw me in the halls and told me i should be a model and all i heard was "keep starving, get better" so that's what i did and it made the hunger pains and fainting spells feel almost worth it.
when i was in twelfth grade i decided to get better
better is a nice way of saying fat (it was a mistake and that's all there is to it)
when i went to college things got good again
and by good i mean bad, at least i think i do, because i got thin and unhappy but i was unhappier before so at least i was thin again, right? no one noticed and no one cared except a university counselor who spewed a bunch of textbook ******* about loving myself until i finally quit calling her back.
now i don't know what to do
two options before me but only one in my hands and it represents the girl i will become. "you could be a model" or "you're so fat" are phrases i say to myself every day and i wish it wasn't that way but it is.
dear future me:**
are you better? or are you thin? because you know you can't ever be both.

mistakes were made,
and things were said,
and none of us knew how to love life properly.

we used to say that we're unhappy
and that we tried and tried and tried
but lied.
that we did our best to change our state of misery,
to become better people for the people in our homes,
but we know now that wasn't true.

I never grabbed your arm while sinking in my dreams,
I never screamed while I was awake, but only in my sleep,
I was in pain my entire life. I never knew how to handle pain.
I never called it out. I carried it with me. the pain was sharp.
I wasn't. my edges got torn. there were fingerprints all over my face and body. my house was left empty. clean. not a soul inside. not a tear. I always dreamt of drowning. the sea was dreaming of dying inside me, being hyper ventilated. being choked with air and dryness.

you never told me that I was draining all the joy from your life
you never brought wine, nor cookies, nor take-away.
the only thing you carried around in a doggie bag, after a dinner out at the restaurant, was you soul. or, what was left of it after
both of us fed from it.
you never cried in your sleep, but only while you were awake,
you tried to warn me you were thunder, but I never got to hear the end of your words.
you never left,
you never came,
you were always in my heart.

we didn't make each other unhappier,
but we didn't manage to do it the other way, either.

we were never sorry. we never got to regret the ride.
we were in this together. all in. all ice.
we are the ones that cannot be forgiven,
we are the east and the west,
the Nile and the Amazon, each on his own continent,
together on our own Earth,
none of us in danger of ever becoming wadi,

we were music.
beautiful classical music that sounds great on its own
but is awful if you play it all at once..
if you push through the speakers with Bach,
add up Vivaldi, then Brahms, then Debussy, then throw in a little bit of Grieg, then Enescu, then salt things up with Puccini and, to spice things up, add just a pinch of Kennedy.

what happens to people like us?
the same thing that happens when people like us. we get lost.
in a room full of people, we become invisible
- like air.
the only thing that proves that we still exist
is all the dust
that travels through us.
we never liked them parties,
we never really wanted to be there,
yet we kept coming back, hoping
to get it right this time.
wishing to be a little more wiser this time around,
wearing our best clothes and
the lowest self-esteem.

we are just so ******* happy to be alive.
sorry. what I meant to say was
"we are just so ******* less unhappy to be alive!"

things were made,
and mistakes were said,
and none of us knew how to live love properly.

Nobody is better or worse
There's no good or bad
There is only that
Which makes you
Happier and healthier
And that which makes you
Unhappier and unhealthier.
For the latter:
Your best weapon
Is a positive choice and attitude,
For this is in your control

If another person
Elevates themselves above you
It is only out of fear
To be run down.
If another person
Tells you that you are not enough
Then that is the exact same thing
They tell themselves
When they look in the mirror.
Are you going to let
Another person
Take away your power
To be happy and healthy?

I had a dream, in which I asked
Why I was so unhappy,
Why my life turned out the way it did,
When I clearly wanted something else.

I was shown a mistake I made,
A long time ago,
A terrible mistake, I now perceived.

When I saw this,
The sources of my problems
We're clear to me; the path
Of my life since then
Was clear to me.

“But”, I cried out,
“How can I change this now?!
How can I fix this?"

No answer was then received,
And I realized,
That I was far unhappier
Now
That I knew.

For better or worse,
When I awoke,
I remembered the pattern of this dream,
But not the mistake.

Knock, Knock, Knock,
It’s an anxious, hurried rhythm,
Searching for attention,
The Next Door Ghoul
Wails loudly through the crack under the door.

Annoyed, the neighbour shuns them,
Sliding dark blinds to the sight of it.
Pressed against the frosty glass,
It leaves ****** fingerprints,
And gradually, the cries grow unhappier.

“LOok for me! I want you to see-”
Indignantly, the ghoul pounds a crack into the window.
A windy night, nature howls alongside the grotesque body as it crawls inside.
With shaky feet it finds the target, shivering inside their closet,
“Don’t be scared”
Can’t ignore- it drags them out anyways.

A crackling of bones,
The ghoul bends down,
Revealing a rotting face-
The corpse living underneath this house.
“Did you forget? I used to live here too.”
And the memories flood back,
Unwillingly, a few hateful tears slip from their eyes.
“Life is better without you, I never wanted to remember.”

And suddenly the face of misery splits---
Maggots wiggle from blank sockets,
Dripping, ravenous onto skin,
And underneath their tiny teeth,
The body begins to disappear.
Choice is meaningless,
This taint penetrates the soul.