GREIVING

Give yourself time to heal,
                                     -it takes time.
Remembering all the memories you shared together,
                     -with that loved one
                                     -locking them away somewhere special
                             -give it time.
In a state of disbelief-shock-that it has happened
                     -give this time.
Each day it slowly becomes easier numbed/faded
                     -give it time.
Various stages to this process,
                    -give it time.
Isolation and loneliness can enter
                    -give it time
                    -give it time.
Never to see that loved one again,
                    -always there with you in your heart
                            -it takes time.
Gone-but not forgotten,
                                    -Your heart will continue to heel.
                    -give this time.

              
© By HF-Whisper
21/4/2020 16:42PM

The broncos won And I'm still at a dead end job
Didn't even watch the game, I was too busy
washing trash cans.
Heard about it through some magic rectangle.
The kids call "social media"

about all the different things
Lady Gaga looked like when
she sang the national anthem.
Heatmiser,
pizza rolls,
Dolly Parton
Because one time Dolly Parton wore a red suit, Which I thought was kind of a stretch.
I saw a commercial saying that more than
400,000 babies are born 9 months after the super bowl.
You know what else is right around that time in February?
Valentine's day
I don't think I've ever been less ****
than during the super bowl.
Nobody looks at their man
Half covered in Beer and nacho grease stains
And goes "oh baby,
that buffalo sauce gets me so wet"
"I just wanna grab a fist full of your hair
bend you over these pizza boxes an~"
"No"
"No"
"N~I mean, I'd be into it"
"No"

My girlfriend is in Florida working for Disney right now.
They have her doing laundry in a musty basement with
middle aged Mexican woman.
It's apparently awful.
"Ruins the magic" she says.
Seeing cinderella scurrying around half naked
doing her make up
Wig cap and undergarments.
Snow white with her nose up
asking for kombucha
Won't even make eye contact with the laundry vets
Let alone my intern girlfriend.
Who says these princesses
would sooner **** a man covered in nacho grease.
Then show her any respect.

I asked how the magic wasn't ruined before that.
After watching the play hairspray
when they yell
"CUT! "
and the actors go back to their miserable lives, 
I figured it out pretty young.
This middle class manifesto
Where making a livable wage is our life term goal.
But she is the faithful type.
Loves her a good miracle.

Like when she found out she was pregnant.
Was
She had already lost him.
Or her
I was over 3,000 miles away
With another man
she was drinking herself to sleep
Praying to some porcelain god for me to stop
I'm sure the morning sickness didn't help
Her depression
Or hangovers.
Or the will to tell me, The man already greiving over one lost daughter
we had lost another.
Before we even knew she was there.
I only tell her I love her.

She says she needs me around
because I’m a taurus.
I have no idea what she means by that.
But I love hearing stories about mexican woman yelling in spanish at their iphone screens
half naked princesses doing their makeup in hair nets.
And her still believing in magic.
She gives me something to dream about
while I wash these trash cans.

Like watching hairspray together
Her bending me over some chicken wings.
Our little Princess.

Even though we are blessed, and know Christ intimately.
Does not mean that we never are sad, or grieve in life.
For when we see love ones or others, missing out.
On knowing the one and only true giver of salvation.
Or the times that we look back at the mistakes that we made.
Realizing that it might have cost someone from finding Christ.
So yes there are times in our lives where we grieve here.
So when we fail our savior we must repent and keep on moving on.

Ever given an apology
when embarrassment
was your true feeling?

Is there space between them?
Or is one the wrapping paper?
Silverskin on coffeebean.
Parchment.
Ornate half mask on a dancer in all black
Between Pointed nose and chandileier
Same infastructure as churches
Decorated to make others look to god.
Up, with gargoyales and bells

If embarrassment is the root of an apology.
Does it ring?

What time of day?

Embassy of embarrassment is your apology.
It is no secret, it is kevlar.
Harder to break.

If you are never embarrassed.
You cannot be sorry.

pride and abandon
As honest as they are to a man
Who loves to love
Strike offensive on ears set
To red at your past.
Own the honesty like a magic shield.
You will not have the kevlar of apology
If you do not have the embarrassment.

You'll need to fake it.
This takes delicate work.
Convincing the world you are not selfish
When born in america
Is not easy.

Loving your own failure seems proof enough
To learn from mistakes
But intellect.
Is not the opposite of selfishness.
In abundance you carry both as a burden.

People see you as a man, honest.
People see you as a man, who was not honest.
People see you as a man, selfish.
People see you as a man, who would rather be wrong and manic than human.

And people see through sometimes the armor
Of your *******
And magic armor of your smile

Because you talk too much

When all you want is too be heard,
Your biggest weakness is when someone listens.

You are so powerfull when no one hears you.
And you are so seen when you never open your mouth.

But the second you do.
You are ugly.

Underneath the ornate white mask and pointed nose
Without the smooth pleasentries of a nirror for a face.
You are seen a bulbous boiled blemmish.
A red infected wound for an ear.

It hurts to hear their testimony
Wittnessing you when you are without protection.

This is not embarrassment?
You are not embarrassed to be seen an ugly thing?

And no.
It just hurts.
And the pain callouses, making it more ugly.
Until we got to where we are.

Indestructible in all this broken.
Untouchable from all this infection.
Unlovable from all this attention.

A greiving suit of armor

Our relationship has blossomed from a bud to a flower
Don't even wanna think about what I'd do without her
You can put anything between because I'd move a tower
Even time couldn't seperate because I'd move a hour
Words don't mean nothin to her cuz her mind holds her power
She listens to a mans heart and now mines gettin louder
Love scares alot of ****** and she ain't attracted to that she said
it's so easy to find her a coward.
But we gon fall in love at least that's how it seeming
Don't care if it's 10 minutes or a day, she just wanna see me
And i just wanna see her, hold her and never leave her
I really think He delivered her right up out of Eden
On a bright day she will have a ***** gleaming
On a gloomy day she'll pull a ***** out of greiving
Her looks are so killer I sware it should be a treason
But her brains hold her real beauty cuz she be thinking so collegiate
I look into her eyes and see nothin but potential
She look into mines and see nothin but credentials
We kno about the past and all the other **** we been through
That's why the potential and credantials are official
She say never been like this about anybody
I say Im always like this about everybody
That's why I tell her that I can't trust anybody
She just say no you can't trust everybody
Well I trust her and hopefully she trust me
Because if she do trust me I consider myself lucky
Because you are everything I wanna see
In you heart and on your mind is exactly where I wanna be

I smell the scent of lavendar,
Where my soul is heard no more.
The hard truth,
Which shall be told no more.

The pain of losing,
And feeling the weak heart crying,
The heart which used to be lively once,
But the memories bounce
Back and forth bringing tears,
The silence that creeps inside day and night with fear.

Saddness fills the air,
The words seems to lose all its meaning,
The life seems meaningless with heart aches lingering.
My body is greiving..
The rain is pouring.
And here I sit on my table,
Trying to collect myself,
Sipping my cup of coffee,
Engulfing the hard truth inside.

Fading asleep
Three blurry forks in the road
three of everything
Until i blink.
I crawled up out my passenger side door like a submarine hatch
lifted the heavy weight with my back
Didn't think to roll down the window

I called the band to laugh at the irony
we just wrote a song on falling asleep
crashing our car, dreaming in autumn.
In the song, I dreamed of a girl I'll never have.
But when it happened
I was dreaming of the leftover sheppards pie at home.

Swerved into a rock wall,
Kick flipped my mercury on it's side.
I wore my seat belt
woke up drivers door to the ground.

An old man stopped to warm me.
my grandmothers ghost
in his passenger seat.
offered I sit in their car
out of the cold
Until the firemen arrived.

I saw my mother's blue SUV coming
And waved for the elderly couple to part.
tears in my mothers eyes,
she hugged me tight.
The police showed
To Check out the scene.
as I was alive,
They mostly watched me.
laughing hysterically
At how prophetic poetry can be
and how lucky I have been
And how my shoulder angels are my grandmother, and a gambler named risk.

When My partner arrived she expected me crumpled bleeding.
Smiling false safety through the phone
as I bled out
But I was fine.
she stormed towards me.
her friends stepping outside the car.
her girlfriend in the passenger seat
in the fetal position.
Throwing a tantrum, because she wouldn't get to sleep with my security blanket tonight.

she held me greiving.
I felt like this was an alternate universe.
where I survived
and this wasn't the real story.

The tow truck arrived as the cops collected my Lisence,
the medical professional
okay'd me to sleep tonight.

The firemen flipped my car onto the rockwall from being sideways.
The tow truck grinded my car across the wall into metally pulp.
They collected the bits and dropped it off on my driveway a mile down the road.
my partner drove her friends home
to return to my bed later.
check i was breathing throughout the night.

My car, crumpled. Missing an eye. Looked like a corpse.
like a reminder of what should have happened.
you could feel all sorts of spirits
when I opened the trunk.
contents compacted against the left side.
when i woke up, all i saw was laughter.
At the irony.
the shock.
how many more times
I would need to die
before I perform a magic trick.
if i turned my car into powder
turned my story to a falacy.
how long before their panic attacks become a suicide?
And I'll stop seeing three of everything.

these are the thoughts
of Clive,
the neighborhood curmudgeon...

how do i know this,
i am the imp that put them here....
in the garden, you folks
call a brain......


take this, sodding life
and it's meaningless struggle.
i set my face to this wall
and brick myself self in
to this useless stall.

the old man, Clive,
grumbled with a,
set and sour grin.

you...you're all pathetic,
thinking you can win.
death's the only victor...
over us, one
and sodding all.

and you can take,
your sodding...
flowers and cards
and sodding, casseroles too!!

there was,
one ray of sunshine
in my life
and now she is gone.

and she is not,
sodding around in another room,
or waiting for me up there.
she is not, in greener pastures
cause she was never..
an effin cow.

she is,
six footdown,
underground,
in a cheap wooden box,
making fodder,
for worms and beetles.
slowly, they are,
breakin her down.

and it will not be,
sodding fine
and time will not heal...
a heart smashed to smithereens.
a life torn asunder
**** me it's time,
for you pathetic
do-gooders...
to get ****** real....

no i am not,
a happy man,
and yes i am,
greiving the greatest loss.
and a ******, sausage
and bean casserole,
is not going to be,
making me believe,
that the world,
is a fair and just place...

don't you, worry about me.
i reckon i'll soon be,
leaving, my home
and my goods and chattels
and be recieving last rites,
farewells and a deep,dirt bed.

and that will be,
fine and dandy,
as long as it is,
close and handy,
to my beloved, Mandy.

what?
you're worried...
about my,
state of mind...

will ya, just *******,
haven't i
made myself clear,
i am way, too busy dying,
to pay you any attention...

this garden just going gangbuster
hey¡¡yah huzzah!!!

im going to live my life and live it up
they are gone but im still here
i wil not wallow
i will not greive
i will celebrate the joys of living
cellebrate the time i have left
for what does wallowing and greiving get you
nothing
so be happy and live you life
be happy and have fun
be happy

You don't ask if I'm doing okay,
You don't act like you care at all,
You dont ask anyone how I am,
By now I know that you're not going to call.

I wonder if you even miss me,
Youre probably looking at other girls,
I still think about you every day,
And I will as long as the globe twirls.

From heaven to earth and everything
in the galaxy that lies between,
No one will ever love you as much
as I did when I was seventeen.

See, heres the problem i always have,
I ended up caring too much,
What are all of these feelings worth,
When I no longer have your hand to clutch?

We all carry heavy burdens,
You have your reasons for leaving,
but you seem so unaffected by this,
How come im the only one greiving?

I can tell that you aren't hurting,
Because your voice still sounds the same,
When I feel pain you can hear it in
My words and how i say your name.

I would give everything I have,
For you to feel like you did before,
but how do you make someone love you,
The way they did when they don't anymore?

i was greiving a person who hadnt died
but who forgot about my pressence
made me vanish from thier intrests

the twisted thing to this game that we played
you lost me with a sense of releif
i went away with lust for you
i wanted you back
i sat in my room awake until 4am writing about my insanity
soaked my sadness with *****

i sat on the roof in the cold twice bacause inside could not contain me
my music blasted at its highest dose of treatment but did not cure me

loneliness has sunk in like the sun sunk beneath the skyline at 7:30pm
like how your tounge sunk between my teeth when you wanted me for the night
my needy hands grabbed and tugged at you and your cold selfish hands needed them back for awhile
you got tired of me

Is it love...
The longing and loneliness
The misery and emptiness
The heartache and sickness
Is it love...
The wanting and needing
The stealing and thieving
The touching and greiving
Is it love..
Or is it all just
Delusion and dreaming

Here comfort is a pleasure
But comfortably we cuddle and manoeuvre under this thorny blanket
Belching fumes of hunger
Recalling sad stories of the dead
Humming to the tune of the machine gun
Trading foul breaths
But the soul shimmers with hope
For one day we shall plant bullets and ARVs in the cemetry and harvest our lost brothers and sisters
There shall be enough hope to fill our stomachs and cuddle again with the greiving orphan
The warmth of our smile is our spear

Dear one, amidst the moon that night I called
for you to lay amongst these sheets of gold
with me. So gentle came the sound, the fall-
ing of soft air from  greiving lips: "Be bold,
be swift, my love. For I have watched you sweat
a thousand nights before this one, and held
your trembling  form in sheets of silver, yet
you call to me, tonight, without a yell.
Be loud, imbibed with youth, without a whis-
per on your tongue. Be bold, be swift, but most
of all, I plead you be-" A clap, a hiss,
and all was quiet. So softly went your ghost.
Now clad in sheets of bronze, tonight I lay,
at last at peace. There weren't words left to say.

It all started
The day I departed
Toward our Winchester apartment
The farthest we had been apart
Since we started talking
I painfully remember
You & tip (our dog) were hit by a car
Nobody was injured
Only I fell apart

Inside I lost it
and felt nauseous
Thinking the most horrible
and awful thoughts
What if it all went wrong
and the sad story of my life
had just continued on
This insane belief
that those I held close
would soon be gone

My selfishness prevented
seeing how it effects you
I will never get over the fact
I wasn't there to protect you

Reliving the seconds
I was breathless
Feeling so helpless
Instead of confessing
Post traumatic stress
rapidly manifested
to manic depressive
and verbal aggression
Directed at my best friend

It's like the Marine in me
Will wear anything
but a heart on his sleeve
I'm still greiving
I can't believe it was me
that decided to leave
Even despite
Nivea's "25 reasons"

I woke to cry
Greiving love I'll never have
Lost in the depths of loneliness
Until I realized
It wasn't lack of love
That had me down
It was my newly tightened braces
Hurting like hell

Go on now if you're leaving me
Since you seem to delight in my greiving , I'll steel my heart
As you walk out that open door and carry out your things
As I brought them in before
Don't know really what caused our love flame to dye out
When we loved each other it was over the top
But I need to know just when did the loving stopped

And sometimes I wonder
What the ocean feels
When the snow has melted
Into the rivers which flow freely
Back to the ocean,
And if she greets them
Like the heart of a greiving parent
Holding their child for the first time
sinse many moons had passed.

And sometimes I wonder
if this is why the river sings
So beautifully on this journey home,
A silent knowing, a hope filled prayer.

Sometimes I wonder about how the ocean gives her love and life to help birth the rain and snow so the river may flow.

And sometimes I wonder
If my ancestors have touched this same water, how particles filled with ancient tales have formed clouds which burst over and over, each drop of rain carrying it's own unique story.

And sometimes I wonder about how many waters have been mixed over time and
how many Oceans have met.

This is the life blood which ties us together.

Sometimes I wonder what it means
To be woven with the same rhythms as the rhythms of this Earth.

And sometimes I wonder about
My own life and the changing tides,
how we give pieces of ourselves away, like how mothers give themselves to their children
And trust like the ocean.

Sometimes I wonder
What the Ocean feels
When the snow has melted
And the rivers flow freely
Back to her,
And if she greets them
Like the heart of a greiving parent
Holding their child
After many long moons or lifetimes
had passed.

And sometimes I wonder
if this is why the river sings
So beautifully on this journey home,
A silent knowing, a hope filled prayer.

Sometimes I wonder about
how the ocean gives her love and life
to help birth the rain and snow
so this glorious river may flow.

And sometimes I wonder
how many rivers have crossed, how many waters have been mixed over time,
and
how many Oceans have met.

Water is the life blood which ties us together.

And sometimes I wonder
If my ancestors or ones who've walked before me have touched this same water.
How these particles filled with ancient tales have formed clouds which burst over and over,
each drop of rain carrying it's own unique story.

Sometimes I wonder what it means
To be woven with the same rhythms as the rhythms of this Earth.

And sometimes I wonder about
My own life and the changing tides,
how we give pieces of ourselves away,
like how mothers give themselves to their children
And trust like the ocean.

Giving your heart back to yourself
Isn't what one would expect,

Like a sea of flying butterflies, a bright cheery marriage to oneself celebrated with wine and fancy horodeurves.

It isn't
Fireworks and explosive love.

Giving your heart back to yourself after having given it away to the sea of the wild stormy world
Is a slow journey,
It is like watching one raindrop
Slide down the car door window
As You the passenger wait for something yet are found here
amongst the steady presence beating.

Giving your heart back
Is holding yourself unable to sleep at night, it is longing for your own arms, longing for your own kiss, nothing more intimate than this yet being unable to grasp the fullness, the wholeness.

Giving your heart back
is missing your family
It is wishing you listened when you felt something wasn't right.

It is missing your 5yr old self
It is pain
It is greiving

Giving your heart back to yourself is
Deep breaths and long stretches of silence.
It is comfort and desolate bike rides at sunset.
It is green and fertile,
It is warmth and big mugs of tea.
It is
Slow and delicious
like melting chocolate.
It is patience
And acceptance.
It is aching and laughter.
It is messy crying.
It is innocence
And maturity.

Giving your heart back to where it belongs is not fireworks, it is not a loud display of affection,
It is a delicate dance
Of dedication.

Giving your heart back to yourself
Is the long winded path you know you must take
And take alone,
it is the bow of commitment and the sigh of release.

Giving your heart back
To yourself
Is
The steady rythm that follows and hums with you gently
On this walk,
As you hold yourself
And slowly make your way home.

Giving your heart back to yourself
Is realizing
All of the scattered pieces
Have been in you all along.