The fire is far away
Not far enough to not see the flames
But far enough to not be afraid
Far enough to evacuate
Far enough to see the damage
But not experience the damage
Its getting warmer
But no need to panic
I live here
I watch the fire everyday
It inches closer but still I stay
I can’t leave yet
I have to much going for me here
I can’t leave yet
My friends haven’t left yet
I can’t leave yet
It’s not my time
It will be soon
And then I will leave
The fire won’t reach me
Hopefully
I want to leave
I hope it all burns down
And I get to watch and laugh

The house was filled with flames
For over 20 years it was a blaze
It stood on broken pillars and burnt floorboards
Slowly different parts started charring.

It started in the basement
With cigarettes and lost hopes
A child’s potential misplaced
A parent drowning in smoke of his own creation
And the house lost a child because he escaped
We don’t know how bad his burns are
Because he doesn’t come around to tell us.

Then it jumped to the second story
The flames only lit up one of the rooms
Where 2 children lived
One who started fighting
And one who never stood a chance
The first child who stayed close to the ground to avoid the smoke
She took quick breaths to keep her lungs clean
Who followed every rule about fire
And fought the fire silently
And the second
Who tried to follow the rules
But the house deemed it was never enough
She choked but didn’t die
And the two escaped
With the first child carrying the second out
Their burns are the deepest.

And the fourth child
The youngest child
Who never stayed long
And escaped at the youngest age
And was always escaping when the smoke got to thick
When her lungs hurt from yelling and breathing in the smoke
But would come back for the 2 children
Because she left them
She left all of them
She left the house
But when she left, her burns were tended
She stayed away from the flames because she was safe
And her burns healed, but scarred
Her scars are the lightest
And she didn’t come back until it was almost burnt down
And the flames couldn't get to her anymore
And not a single burn remained in the house
Because it was torn down.

And a different family built it with better materials
And a better foundation
And the house of ash was gone

But burns will always remain
Because the adults who left pass them down
And try to light fires in new houses
But the children who left
Will never pass down burns
And eventually the flames will stop

Sleep is a trial period for suicide
You lay there, try to fall asleep
          trying to end it all
Your mind doesn't quiet down
You run through everything from that day
          everything in your life
And slowly the talking quiets
Slowly you start getting peace
          slowly you start to hear everything around you less and less
          every voice, every noise is fuzzy
Your eyes get heavy
          your eyes get heavy
You let the idea of temporary sleep take over you
          you let the idea of sleep take over you
You sleep, for however long you can
          you sleep for forever
But you wake up
          you don't wake up
And you get up and you live your life
Because you're too afraid of what suicide means
You're too afraid of what you leave behind
You're too afraid of leaving your mom
To leave her to grieve her only daughter
Her world
You're too afraid to leave your cat
Who loves you dearly
And wouldn't know why you abandoned her
When she was sent down from heaven
To save you
But you can only put so much pressure on an animal
But know matter how sad you get
You know you could never take your own life
So you go to sleep
Because sleep is suicide for the scared

I'm my mother's daughter
It's in my genes to cry
The littlest things set me off
When I was in third grade
I cried at my standardized writing test
It wasn't hard, I was just stuck
I love writing
I'm good at it
I always have been
But I couldn't handle the pressure to write well
That my entire life was based on my grades
and how well I scored on tests
And wrote about a three page story
I cry when I'm frustrated
When I could do a math problem on my homework
When I couldn't remember simple biology questions
But I did well on the tests
So they assumed I was fine
I assumed I was fine
How could I not be fine, I did well
I was talented
I was skilled
And I was doing well
My life was too good for me to be upset
I had to reason to be upset
And no one realized I might no be ok
Until I stopped eating and lost 15 pounds
But even then I told myself I was fine
I was eating less because I was doing less
I wasn't using as much energy so I wasn't eating full meals
I only at a tiny portion of my already small plate
But I was eating so I was fine
I moved out and started school, fully online
I was lonely
But I had my roommates
So I was fine
I couldn't bring myself to go to the class I thought I would love
I was failing a class
I was doing nothing to fix it
I was starting to hate writing and reading
But I had a plan to leave my major
So I was fine
I failed my first college class
But everyone gets one mistake
Everyone screws up once
It was during covid
Everyone is struggling
So I was fine
Everyone else is fine
So I am fine
And I keep telling myself that
In hopes that one day it'll be true
I am Fine

I thought my problem was focus
I'm overwhelmed
Overworked
Emotionally tired
Mentally drained
I've done nothing but school
For 16 years
My problem is focus
I can't sit still
I can't time manage
My brain isn't working at
"my level of intellegence"
My problem is focus
The doctor says my problem is anxiety
My brain zones out to cope
My brain shuts down to cope
I take naps for hours to cope
Its not ADHD, its anxiety
I can't sit still because I'm anxious
I can't stay focused because I'm anxious
I'm brunt out and anxious
That's my problem