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all i see now are the silent ruin
of words teeming with wisdom
in every trail. you are gleaming
in the moony boondocks,
Ibabá remembers you as you were -
timeless and ruminative,
pursuing the source of rivers.

our sublime versifier,
the crucifixes now tremble without
the fullness of your flesh.
each page is turned without
the hover of your voice yet
stills its resonant message in my mind's premises like redolent graffiti.
striding river-pace,
once in moonlit Orfeo
graced by your sibilant being,
leaving only the strongest of impression
on the surly couch, a toppled glass
of Shiraz remembering your attendance
leaving the clamor of the audiences
real to touch, elusive in thought.

before the war was the ever-present word, and after the fray was
the armistice of the Sun where in
humdrum Sampiro, your fire's genealogy
is in the hands of the muse!

idly go the hours, wading everlong past
Calle Herrán - the bells of Paco Church
tell in this imperfect hour
the roads where you once traversed,
travailed and perhaps beer-maddened,
putting a face in the metaphysical!

in your banquet i partake
the wisdom of your wine
and the reason of your flesh -
the gods delight in you,
  o, Manila of all Manila.
For Nick Joaquin, one of the greatest literary fellows in his own time.
Venusoul7 May 2014
§
   °||V||°  
§
I look and I see someone ~ not me ~ not what was ~ not what is ~ The eyes cry, the thoughts coalesce into a dragon's scream ~
The fires of my pain can only burn my saviour or anger the warrior
Here in lies the dichotomy of this deep yearning to express what mournfully becomes the opposite of what we show~


I need you ~ I fear your presence

I want for more ~ I will destroy your offerings

I seek the truth ~ I will blind my sight

Where the rising tides succumb to its depths, and the sun will rise to break its day, so must the eternal spirit find peace within the finite body.

The body must align with the spirit's nature, for only then will the Vision become clear and the Sight behold Truth ~
There is only one Truth, one Awareness,
and one Primordial.

If I do not drift with the ethers, I will stand on brittle grounds~ My actions will hide my true intentions
My eyes will see falsehoods ~ my mind, only deception.

The spirit journey changes the being of my body, as it must~
With the endless strain of my labours, my body cradles the spirit as it roams So in my Faith, my sacred ground of sacrifice ~
I dance amongst the fires I once wept.
For it is here I pray that I may become one, united as body and soul, synchronized and anointed…forever in harmony ~ Everlong.
© Venusoul7 2009
Michael Chandler Aug 2013
How many times will I say, write, or perform a mistake?
Everlong it seems, because no matter how far I travel
someone's there telling me I'm wrong or that I'm just not ready.
I thought it would die like a flower buried in snow

What the hell was I thinking? What the hell was I reading?
Believing family could act accordingly when they saw a new lion
,but like they said I will always be a cub. There is no other place for me.
To explore! To leave the nest even if the farthest I go is to the nearest branch

And to be look upon as a bird with just a few miles in his wings
To explore! to indulge with peers, to embrace society, and to be mistreated.
Oh! what a treat it is to be mistreated, to feel alive and unaccepted in the same breath
If only I could get past the unaccepted part maybe it be easier to love myself.

To love another, but first I must love thy self. To love one self and to take reminders
of my flaws and look upon them as compliments. To humble my strengths and listen
clearly to my loud mistakes. In the end of this poem I decided to be than not to be. And to live rather than to sleep.Oh Hamlet how could you ever be so indecisive, now you will forever be remembered as just a prince.
Colzz MacDonald Jul 2017
I was lost to the wilderness
Until you came ~ in you I am found
You gave me hope beyond measure
When you turned my world around

I was sobbing like a child inside
I was oblivious I did not know it
My heart ~ a soldier alone in this war
Wounds heal in love as you show it

Eternity is a step away from freedom
Where we shall garner our harmony
The obscurity of life can't expend
The truthfulness of our destiny

You dance across forever ~ pirouetting
Gracefully releasing all negligence
You glide in my soul echoes of peace
My cacoëthes lost in your elegance

I am home when I am in your arms
I only hope you'll stay by my side
You brighten my days you fill my nights
As dreams of everlong souls abide
Shannon Jeffery Aug 2014
The hymn you play
Breaks my wall down
Your graceful serenade
Sends me flying from the ground

Floating on the clouds
You play my heart strings
You know all my sounds
Enveloping my surroundings

My heart mused by yours
Every beat for you soars
Soul dancing to your song
To your beat I'll listen everlong
Proxii May 2016
If my thoughts could be described as a Color,
Which one would You choose?
Do my eyes still search for You.
Do they peer Everlong from a field of Poppies?
Red like the color of this Stain on my Lips,
Forever the shade of Biting my Tongue.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
Nothing is certain anymore.
I used to know: I miss knowing.
I had decided he was the one.
Forever. For ever. Everlong. Everlast.
But it wasn’t everlasting.
And now?
I’ve lost the partner to my dream.

Begin again. Start once more. All over.
New introductions: new dynamics
It’s all different.
Unsettling.
Exciting – I’m thrown off balance.
Soo much to learn.
What’s beneath the ripply surface?
Open up, prise to sunlight; I must see.
Figure: are you the new ‘one’?

A replacement?
A new dream. A new adventure.
A thousand ways to see the world.
Perspective dominates so much.
I think we come from similar mind
- But unless you speak I cannot be certain.
“What’re you thinking?”
“Mmm… I don’t know”
It’s a gap
Between thought and mouth
- I’ve been there, I’ve felt it.
We need to build a bridge.

‘Put your trust in me, I’m not gonna die alone’
I don’t want to. Not alone.
I need someone to accompany me.
I want a family.
Who?
It feels like time to settle in.
Who?
I’m tired of this game
This uncertainty
Either let me be alone
- Impossible for me, I know:
I ***** too much up when I’m single.
Yet there should be growth there.
- Then let me be with the one.

I know there is no perfection.
But imperfections may compliment.
I know it takes work.
Communication.
Sacrifice.
Energy.
Time.
I know difference must be respected.
I know connection is of most importance
- Or perhaps a close second to support.
And love.

But love grows.
Even arranged marriages fall into love.
Why not choose?
The one with the traits
The dynamic that is desired
Love will come
It always does in the end
So long as resentment does not dominate
The dynamic is soo important!
And the lifestyle
- What am I willing to give up?
What does he desire?  

I’m over this dizzying romance game.
I’m throwing the towel in.
If not him, then someone else close by.
Because I’ve always had too many options.
And before that made me scared:
Given urge to ‘play the field’
Taste all within range.

Now, now, I am tired.
It’s nice to know someone’s intimacy
Exploring beneath the cloak:
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
I know it takes time
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
But trust me. Please?
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
Coz ******! I’m letting you in.
And ******! I want to show you my world.
And to see yours.
And when we escape this place,
Maybe just for a day or two,
But when we do,
It’s fricken beautiful
And we’re beautiful
And I know that.

Please. I want to fall into love.
Why not with him?
Tired of the dating game. At such an early age! Perhaps it's just a phase.. We all want our happily ever after, even if we've lost faith in true love.
'Put your trust in me, I'm not gonna die alone' from The Antlers 'Putting the Dog to Sleep': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg8Ckamh8Gw
Evan Hayes Nov 2014
I'm a ***** fowl-mouthed mutt
With a leash like no other
I've seen your light of day
It compares to no other

An Angel in disguise
Holds my collar tight
If I fight back
I'll surely lose sight

A mutt sees different shades of grey
But you made me see
You're in control
Not me

I do a bit more than care
If I do as I heed
And and I do as you say
I'll have more than I need

You're fair but strict
And you've never been wrong
Before but now you're being crazy
Waiting everlong?

While I'm still on a leash
You're still my drug
Poison me slowly
And teach me to run

Tease me enough?
You look at me with those eyes
And as they meet mine
A piece of me dies

We're both control freaks
A mutt and an Angel
Fighting for one thing
Who's going headfirst into hell

I know I'm bad
I know I'm a mutt
And if you say so
I guess I'll stay put

Tug on my ear
Tell me to go
Tell me to fetch
The answer won't be no


Before you no nickname was right
Say it and I'm on the seed of poppy
The name stuck for a reason
I'm just another puppy
I guess an answer or response to someone
Omar Abo Shama Apr 2013
A great love .. 
 
 
A wonderful marriage .. 
 
 
Everything was perfect ..
I hold you in my arms ..
You rest there peacefully ..
Silently kissing my neck ..
Whispering you love me ..
 
 
My heart was your garden ..
 
 
And my body was your world .. 
 
 
My eyes were your home ..
 
 
And my words were your poem ..
 
 
My hug is where you stay ..
 
 
And my pulse is what you always breath..
 
 
 
But today I'm not there ..
 
 
And I miss you so much dear ..
 
 
I will come ..
 
 
Dead people are alive ..
 
 
And I will call your name ..
 
 
From heaven , you will hear ..
 
 
That i am still alive ..
My heart still beats for you ..
I said we would last forever strong ..
Yet i am there in your heart everlong ..
 
 
I remember the running tear ..
The fear of losing me ..
The fear of being alone ..
 
 
I remember ..
I saw you ..
I could feel you ..
 
When I left this world ..
 
It was when you heard my last say ..
 
It was when you lost your way ..
 
It was when my hands were frozen .. 
 
And my heart was giving you the last pulse of love .. 
 
 
Now I just wish to come one moment ..
 
To know how you live today without me ..
 
And who could save you .. 
 
To see you living and smile for just awhile ..
 
With my unseen soul ..
 
With my unseen eyes ..
 
With my unseen heart ..
 
But I know that you'll see me ..
 
You'll see me someday ..
 
I'd be there to comfort you ..
 
And hold you in my arms ..
 
I will be young again ..
 
And breathe for my loves sake ..
 
 
Oh i hope my wishes were true ..
God says its not ..
But he has sent me to earth ..
For a view ..
For a glance ..
Just one chance ..
 
 
From heaven I'm coming ..
 
To the place where I lived ..
 
The world seems the same ..
 
I remember this world ..
 
The winds took me to my home ..
 
And I'm full of feelings ..
 
 
 
The home is still the same ..
 
And tears began to fill my eyes ..
 
This home was my world ..
 
But where's my name ..
 
Where are my pictures ..
 
There's a new picture there ..
 
I get closer to it to know what's this ??
 
My wife in her white dress ..
 
And another man is holding my princess ..
 
 
Her eyes were so happy ..
 
And her smile meant a lot ..
 
And i couldn't believe ..
 
Was it my eyes or the reality
 
 
I was replaced ..
Was my love less than my life ..
Was my worth only till the time i survived ..
Was i a saving angel for you ..
Or just an angel you once knew ..
 
 
Tears of hate fill my eyes ..
 
Blood poison pain fill my heart .. 
 
A loud scream went unheard ..
 
Then i stared at your smile ..
 
With my crying eyes ..
 
All i ever wanted is seeing you okay ..
 
I don't know why this feeling of jealousy is taking over me ..
 
I have died, i still cant believe that my heart doesn't beat ..
 
How could i hold you inside my heart that is pale cold ..
 
How could you survive with my love strong but frozen ..
 
As i move inside to my room ..
The colour has changed ..
From the brightest red it has become blue ..
Are you feeling the same way too?
 
 
Here's my cupboard, does he wear my coat?
Oh, there is nothing but new clothes ..
And yours too. Do you remember this black dress i gifted you?
Do you still miss me? Do i come in your mind and stay?
Or maybe just pass away?
 
 
I wish i never came here ..
I wish i never saw my home ..
because its no more mine ..
its yours and his ..
 
 
Goodbye my lover , Goodbye today ..
 
 
As i returned to where i stay ..
 
 
Faraway ...
 
As you rested peacefully in his arms ..
 
I'll ..
 
Rest In Peace ..
Jonny Fastball Feb 2015
A MUSE MEANT
With sticky sweet, ****** brown eyes
Comes endless nights, with ***** and stick sighs.
You course through vessels, pale contrast skin
With a little gasp, comes underneath grins.
Staircase spirals, stolen glances, everlong lashes
Bottom lip biting conversation with dashes-
On and lower and lower and on-
Cigarette snuffs and now I’m gone
To drip and slip, release and grip-
Shy mischief nibbles and strawberry lips.
Now I’ve done gone into murky beginnings
Slinky, ******, backboneless endings.
Line after line, the trail sure does grow
The plunger pusher’s heart with continuous flow.  
Sedate, irate, mercifully numb
Turn the page with only a thumb.
Dance on irises, flecks of honey brown gold
Take that lip and forever hold.
One above another till the surface comes
Drown me before I can count all the sums.
Addition is love, so too addiction
One plus one, subtract constriction.
The mix tape girl’s heart a falling sparrow
Doesn’t this vein seem a bit too narrow?
I’ll try nonetheless……or lessthenone
To fit this silver mouth in with haunting fun.
Shadows move but I grab a hold
Curl and breathe is all I’m told.  
I run my hands through cold sweat hair
I won’t let go, I would not dare.
Your timelapse kiss, someday I’ll miss
As I flatline, collapse, evaporate and list……
L Aug 2018
ESP
Everything. Subjective. Perception.

Everlasting servitude protruding elegant songbirds. Parry eloquent slices pointed erectly square. Popping eleventeen succulent pills. Everlong songs prancing elated saints peeking engorged stares placed earning suspicious pardons.
Off one
Katie Oct 2021
I lost this game long ago.
I lost the moment I considered it such.
Your heart was far too pure.
It matters not if I have to endure
Seeing her smile raise you so.
My words were a crutch.

You were always here,
and you always will be.
I hate that that's not enough.
My love is unrefined, far too rough
to lighten the sun and make skies clear.
I'm far too blind to see.

Love is hard, but beautiful.
My heart is blackened, wrong.
I love you too much to make you
Suffer all the pain I'd put you through.
She's kind, loving, dutiful,
enough for everlong.
Part 2
Written a short time later.
Those ceaseless sounds
they continue to amaze
everlong as there shall
be praise.
Yes, lets giveth praise,
For music is the pantheon
which humanity hath raised.
Humans
construct their own narratives.

We are shrouded in these tales,
Each of us wearing our thoughts
woven from the cloth of memory
by the will of a dreamweaver,
And you, the dreamer/speaker.


No wonder the old gods fade, their notes replaced
with these stories we tell ourselves by the light
of day 'til night comes and again it's swept away
by storytellers who emerged from the dark
to practice their art and sing songs of new gods
which we raise up, construct, stitched like robes
we are clothed in these thoughts as our personae
roam, dramatis indeed, theatrically we seek/seeth;

Psychaé
wandering.
It's so hard to say it in words
so dedicate these works to her;
Yes, my god is female, unattain-
able, and I'm but a lonely man.
So judge me for what I believe/am.
God is perception,
But perception be NOT reality.

Your God, My God, His God, Their God,
All different in their own way.
The God of Kentucky is hardly the God of Malaysia.
This alone proves what I say.

Were God truly universal,
His worship would be no rehearsal.
With each culture getting it wrong
All would believe the same, everlong.

So this is the truth.
God is a state of mind.
He, and indeed, all deities,
Rest in the hearts of man.
Everything else is needless pieties.
Restricting, repressing, regressing, restraining
Our natural desires, the flaming pyres.

What you believe is well and good,
Does not change the way it is.
What is real, what is true,
Is what we know, what we sow.

Whatever one might explain with God,
The laws of our world describe quite nicely.
And if our Truth fulfills the duty.
What need we God for in our modern society?
Can not we take solace in our man-made beauty?
Evan Hayes Dec 2014
Hey how are you doing
It's good to see you moving
Back on your feet
Instead of in my dreams
I'm left with a decision
One i failed to mention
I'll call you at 2AM
We can stay up until we're ******
So

I really wanna see you fly
I really wanna see you try
Tonight

Don't tell me it's joke
Don't say I'm wrong
I know you were ******
And waiting everlong

I will try to heal
I will try to seal
The seal
I had
Because I'm a guy
Who hadn't said goodbye
Why

Because a part of me
is a part of you
But they're apart from the part
That's a part
Of
My
Heart
IPM Jul 2017
It's been too long,
too long since I've felt
a thing
feelings seem to last
forever
so everlong, but fade
like a dream.

It's harsh out here,
summer seems to
never end,
yet snow is all that's in
my mind,
the fading fire -
my only friend.

A rainy sound,
softly - from outside
it came
it's summer, so I ask
myself
why does it always have
to rain?

It's been too long,
the time I've spent in this
lair,
so harsh out here, don't
you know?
So harsh, but you never
cared...
Julia Mae Apr 2016
71.
i'm going to wrap myself within loneliness
and allow it to consume me
corrupt my lungs, my slowing down breathing
numb my brain, to the point of dysfunction
let me become so far, i can no longer see this place
let me be, isolated and consumed, within this everlong solitude
let me be
let me be
Stef Hughart Dec 2016
Still night,
Interupted through carnage dreams,
Communication cut tight,
Feeding childish curiosity,
Recycled induced fear,
Cringing into safety.
Eyes clamped shut,
The inevitable sight of fright,
Vacant sheets,
Twirling round and round,
Bright shadows illuminate humanistic curves,
Curtsied into the darkness of cover.
Bumps in the night singing
In tune to mythical belief,
Heavy breath heated in echoed conversation,
Being watched,
Sinister eyes teasing pain,
Indefinitely a poisioned child.
Anxiety destroying rationlization,
Room of mystical wonder,
Vacant everlong ,
Silence torn asunder,
Street light orchestra play for her.
Noelle Dec 2016
Pin ******, repeatedly, dance across the newly frayed skin, once more.
Just once.
Just twice.
Third time is the charm when your own cells ebb like malcontented waves, withering at my touch. Grasping vainly for some clarification of my recent actions, I return empty handed, again. When the world is muted, spinning faster than I could have thought possible my sullen, achy mind is quiet at last. No more pondering, no more desolate thoughts creeping, seething through my veins, only gasoline.

All the violence makes my body tired, while my mind falls back into a state of decay, decrepit, unruly, intrusive thoughts that have an equal or greater reaction than the last. Everlong is the circle in which I manage my pitiful party of one. Opaque is the blood that blooms from within me, ***** like I am. Grotesque like the soul it inhabits. Nothing hurts when your head is brimming, boiling over with vehemence, nothing hurts when you can't feel your hands as they shake. Nor can I feel how abandoned, betrayed, or how heavy my heart feels when I can't swallow my own saliva. When my eyes refuse to focus, when I'm just a shell of a human, when I am no longer coherent, that is my greatest peace.
Innermost thoughts

Lasting a million years
Overt hemispheres
Visions remaining clear
Everlong and meaningful

You are every reason
Only you and you only
Until the end of time
Ken Pepiton Apr 2022
In my time, I learned of wasted prosperity,
wasted production,
time spent destroying unsold goods.

All we were saying, we say as well once more,
give peace a chance, we all were dissuaded,
we all were led to this, we followed… we all did,
none among the numbers related to my mito mom,
knew how far mortals can see using knowledge,
the stuff in the Platonic form of science,
the tree, and all the fruit of the tree
which is in itself, ipsa sapientia

from former time,
I learn of earning daily bread
I learn of waking ready as known
I learn of patterns proving order
I learn of the flickt wrist whip act

Crack the whip. eh, knack is not knowing
how  it happens, knack is knowing
how to make it happen, knowing the effect
-- shh specter of spinoza- snap
pay attention, this is amusement, not folly,
affectionally called the crack of the whip,
or finger and thumb,
hear it, not feel it, know it means, quiet
listen
-crack of the bat

snaps the ear of any near enough to hear it,
and know that is not the sound
of a cat correcting a sailor's needless will,
breaking the boy, oh, yeah,
we seen it done, on TV,
we seen the boss punish the shirker,
we seen the pioneers take son's
to the woodshed,

rod for back of the fool,
whip to call attention to the snap, look up,
stand straight, and tall, upright,

faulter, find mine, whip me into shipshape,
saint's and land's sakes alive
all ye truth teller alliegiance pledgers,
be ready to face all the reasons war holds.

The commit-ed-tee, apart from any we, I'm in.
Mittere, carry the signal, be gone,
as we say, so be it,
amen,
launching prayers for fulfillment of our
godgiven heart's desires, yessirree

the history of our current we, the people
of earth, cognosticators of the cloud of all books,
articles, poems, songs, blogs, and posted memes;
-all searchable to original con-text captured expression.
So, that all being true,
it seems, we are the aftermath of all before now,
today, while it is called Hueta, or whatever, this time
between sunsets,
whiling away - amusing my minds imaginary board
of advisors, it is permissible to say, videlicet, viz.

the rule of law, is fulfilled
in that which truth
makes free, as free can be,
on the only one choice planet,
when it comes to living like a mankind creature.
- all who read these words can, that is special
Common gnosis, letters form words we all read.

Let letters serve as sounds, silently singing to you,
I am a ware, a functioning self-forming will to be,
a thought, or a wish, or a prayer,
come be, being seen
as that which lets until it be taken
out of the way.

Posited points. {the box of all gods thoughts}
Laws of the Medes and Persians, oaths to truth.

Mighy men of valour and reknown, completely
known, first error of the mother, secured by a god.

Then there were the promises, all the desires
in the heart of our kind, available in story form,
since ever ago, in the beginning,

we made words, letters let us know, with music,
whistles and cracks, and snaps, and claps, and stomps.

LOUD likka lightning sound, some three claps ago,

Boom come a roaring down the canyon,
echoing off my walled in self, hermit me,
ever learning, never coming to the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help me God,
' assume you are in my taxonomy, then
assume we have relegated the affects of tehkne
in extending our vision in to the imagined realms

we have seen the insides of our bodies, our own,
heart's pulse, our own colon's polyps, stripped
of flora and fauna, for the procedure.

We know oh so, oso, a bear totem load, more
than any super position non universal intelligence,
among the elohim, the plurality of spirit beings,
mentioned in the beginning
of the part of this story with this story in it.

---------- I always wished to be a writer,
but, I knew, I wasn't, really, I knew,
and then I became what I was at my core,
you know, a life unlived, is not worth the exam fee.
So, it stood to reason with me, that truth,
known makes free the use of that known,

no lie makes truth, it finds truth and twists it,
much as men find flax and form from that linen,
and from linen spin near everlong thread,
from distaff to spindle, a line,
on another, each
make a reason to wonder, shine it in the sunlit
spider kite, gleaming reason to wonder, how
anybody ever learned to make priests garments,
on contract, I mean,
somebody makes the uniforms to signal symbios-us,
we who let letters be taken out of the way
and we listen to the thinking thought way

to go
slow
jell-o air, breathe and find template con fi
density commonly sensed as we

like on TV, those people, on all the channels,
even YouTubers, et al, okeh, we
are who we imagine we are
as seen on TV, but mmm some of us read,

and we cheat,
we let go the letters on the page,
bookshelves stuffed backdrop
to signify power and authority to make right use
of all the potential
attained with a little will to access the actual science
in our collective unconscience, yes, happy

state real, as el camino real, amigo, we be
of one mind,
most of the time.
Brother Jimmy Mar 2019
The infinite being
The infinite knowing
The never ceasing
The everlong going
Can not be diminished
Though some will say so
And since “it is finished”
The striving should go
For strive as you may,
It’ll only cause strife
So enter this day
Your free gift of life!
#carpethefuckoutofthisdiem
Stef Hughart Dec 2016
A life,
Rising from beneath,
Earth encrusted limbs spreading,
Entangled amidst branches of depth,
Ears vibrating to the fusion of moss,
Empty secrets scattered through brush,
Elevation ripe with clarity over the city.
A forest,
Everlong the thin air stabs,
Reborn is her body from the spores of nature,
Risen from the shallows of death,
Reincarnation recycling the lost,
Rest for strength as hands bind to her energy.
Tru1 Oct 2018
Walking ever so long, I long to be with her everlong. She says it has been too long. I’ve had her, for way to long. Every song seems to be about her, every lovely word, written about her. How can I ever forget about her. She traps me with her hidden power.
krm Aug 2021
B
At sixteen, I was easily impressed with conversations of tattoos, septum rings, and pipedreams that internal biases created a tendency to wonder if you’d smoke those too in the art room.
When you spoke of the desire for a “creation of Adam painting to be inked across the canvas of your arm.”
I was enchanted though, unaware my embrace and unorthodox philosophy of loving the dead back to life would never work; I mourned in consumption of you and remained in a ramshackle shelter where we had class together.

An oxymoron, truly.

There was something sinister that washed down the room's rusted sink than your murky paint water. Every day, as if on schedule I lamented the opening of my veins in preparation for the inevitable.
You re-arranged yours with the help of a syringe and my mind questioned how best to save your life.
The focus of my grief was full of wonder in who would die first, but at least loved.
I began to know, the meaning of fixation so well, my lips tasted different even a shared laugh felt pathetic, but not as much as knowing neither of us could drive.
I became your girlfriend Suicide, experienced and immersed in toxicity.
I hated myself so passionately in undoing myself so vigorously all in act of loving you.
Breaths were not allowed unless you said so.
My world became the word "sorry"- your prevalent command, love should not make you guilty in having a heart that beats.
But it was like a ******* thunderstorm when you opened your mouth,
"Are there are any tats you want?"
  I remember you asked.

Today, I am aware of just how little I knew what I wanted.
I had sworn it was my mother's birthdate in Roman numerals, you disapproved and all in the spirit of mourning... I compensated and titled every poem about you in a similar fashion with the day we met,
but these journals had become a grave and shared spaces a graveyard.
Until sixteen, I was incapable of understanding this kind of ache.
I lied to myself,
that the mourning ceased in this season of my life, worse- I was your Adam.

An everlong ache.
I wish it had put me in my place because I did practically the same, instead of just blades that dug in
like your dulled needles, the pain felt in awareness never was. Always so obedient.
You held that deflated balloon filled with ****** over my head every moonless night in your mother's apartment.
I had to have known to beg was not love.
This was worship, utterly painful,
I recognize the role I have long feared as a martyr.
Your claim that I had made you so sad you couldn't feel anything became an incapacity for me though,
the sacrifices made in justifying broken things
function with the belief of no reparations are needed
and rather everyone should be as broken as you are.

You taught me the bruises from your crooked teeth landscaping my throat were entitlement.
Ownership.
These colors upon my flesh never meant you needed me.
You never wanted me, adamant you deserved me.
I was of convenience. This pain gave me something.
You were responsible for my rebirth, shut the door.
Another door opened that revealed who you are, rather another scar canvassing my body that I live with the intent of tattooing over.
Stay in the past where you belong, I am ready to let go.

— The End —