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"dissapointment" poems
The Most Exciting Part About The Night, Was Watching The Milliliters Of The IV Bag, Count Down From 1000, Blood Staining My Right Arm, A Glassy Stare Fogging My Own Vision, The Bitter Taste Of ***** And Dissapointment, Was Lodged In The Back Of My Throat, Thirst Coating The Roof Of My Mouth, My Body Weak, The Rhythmic Clicking Of Machines Relaxing, Almost--Peaceful, Black Clawing At The Sides Of My Eyes, Whispering A Lulling Language--Sleep My Friend, Doctors Poking At My Abdomen, Nurses Pushing Fluids Through My Veins, Dyes, Potassium, Water, And Many Medicines, X-Rays And CAT Scans Went By In A Blur, As I Slowly Regained My Body
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Dec 1, 2012
Dec 1, 2012 at 12:34 PM UTC
The Hospital
Have you ever forgotten an appointment? Or maybe a birthday that was full of dissapointment? Imagine forgetting weeks? Loseing days! Can you comprehend the terrible ways? The torment that ensues? Now go one step further Follow me a few steps more in ferver. I dont want your sympathy. I need you to comprehend To simply understand I lost ten years of my life, and i cant bring them back. Still i forget, never do i know If these words were mine You all are to kind. For kindness does nothing to help me find The lost years or missing months These sprinkled days filled with that ticking clock Im talking about some serious memory loss
0
Nov 25, 2013
Nov 25, 2013 at 3:47 AM UTC
Memory Loss
I know that I'm a disappointment. I've only been told that half a million times. It's a running joke within the family now. I know that I get angry at you. I know I fight with you. I know I make things hard. And as much as you don't think so, I'm trying really hard. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to better myself. Get my grades up. And fix myself for you. But to you, I'll always be a dissapointment.
0
Mar 27, 2019
Mar 27, 2019 at 3:40 PM UTC
Disappointment
Only now, with more power I can own this I can punish with flirtations that go nowhere I can needle with demands that he can't meet I can make him feel like he can do nothing right Like he is forever a dissapointment and impotent in my eyes Not always the victim now
0
Jun 14, 2013
Jun 14, 2013 at 6:27 PM UTC
I Can Be A Mean Girl
I Can Smile, But Not be happy I Can Cry but because i am angry being lonley,like im drowning slowly hard to breathe as my heart rushes to catch up to my thoughts i feel the cold rush down my neck  i can feel you creeping all your eyes watching as i drag my feet and trip along the road i used to skip down. the only place ive been hurt like this in this town. the sneakers that squeak as mine are silent. the clothes that still smell like the stores, mine the same as they were. the same everything. i wake, i struggle, i push, i shed but one tear and tear apart everyone else to protect myself from everyone. i wish of the things i wish i had. of what i wish i was. of what i wish i wasnt and whisper into the trees and grass how much i miss you and everyone else i have lost. screaming at people who i never should have, loving people i know will hurt me.... unless i hurt them first, so many first kisses and first girlfriends i have ruined... so many inults that i said out of a place in my heart that is cold as ice and hard as stone. afraid everyone knows the lies ive told. to create this persona that makes me less of a lame, shame, untame dissapointment of everyone who is related to me.... Let me start over. let me be the one who never lies. let me be the one who didnt have to say that they hate someone. let me love everyone including myself. Look at me without shame Mom. look apon me without disgust father. for i am your baby girl. i am the baby you nurtured into the monster you call a daughter...... no mas no mas mother..... i am not what you have raised i am a near blemish in your imperfect yet perfect life. as we stare each other down from across the table i see the dissapointment in your eyes... the instructers see the lie they call potential... i am  just a shadow in  the glory of the boy.... just a twinkle in the firework of YOUR life. and as i begin to fall to my knees with pain and anger i think of the people i hurt and wish they could watch me slowly fall into a deep pit of darkness and hate,... i will sleep to the sounds of their giggles  since i danced to the sound of their crys. Ill continue to disappoint those around me. im sorry for the pain and stress mom.  Im sorry for the tears and fear mom. this is me. oh so terrible unforgivable broken shaken shattered me.......
0
Jul 24, 2012
Jul 24, 2012 at 2:06 AM UTC
Life As I Know It
I Can Smile, But Not be happy I Can Cry but because i am angry being lonley,like im drowning slowly hard to breathe as my heart rushes to catch up to my thoughts i feel the cold rush down my neck  i can feel you creeping all your eyes watching as i drag my feet and trip along the road i used to skip down. the only place ive been hurt like this in this town. the sneakers that squeak as mine are silent. the clothes that still smell like the stores, mine the same as they were. the same everything. i wake, i struggle, i push, i shed but one tear and tear apart everyone else to protect myself from everyone. i wish of the things i wish i had. of what i wish i was. of what i wish i wasnt and whisper into the trees and grass how much i miss you and everyone else i have lost. screaming at people who i never should have, loving people i know will hurt me.... unless i hurt them first, so many first kisses and first girlfriends i have ruined... so many inults that i said out of a place in my heart that is cold as ice and hard as stone. afraid everyone knows the lies ive told. to create this persona that makes me less of a lame, shame, untame dissapointment of everyone who is related to me.... Let me start over. let me be the one who never lies. let me be the one who didnt have to say that they hate someone. let me love everyone including myself. Look at me without shame Mom. look apon me without disgust father. for i am your baby girl. i am the baby you nurtured into the monster you call a daughter...... no mas no mas mother..... i am not what you have raised i am a near blemish in your imperfect yet perfect life. as we stare each other down from across the table i see the dissapointment in your eyes... the instructers see the lie they call potential... i am  just a shadow in  the glory of the boy.... just a twinkle in the firework of YOUR life. and as i begin to fall to my knees with pain and anger i think of the people i hurt and wish they could watch me slowly fall into a deep pit of darkness and hate,... i will sleep to the sounds of their giggles  since i danced to the sound of their crys. Ill continue to disappoint those around me. im sorry for the pain and stress mom.  Im sorry for the tears and fear mom. this is me. oh so terrible unforgivable broken shaken shattered me.......
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44
The results are in I couldn't resist I had to find my future So I opened the box and had a little fun All I ever wanted was the narwhal and the walrus I dusted it off the plastic green box from my days of innocence full of tiny noble animals from every kingdom So precious to me I couldn't ever give it away I dusted them off and put them in couples everything in pairs everyone in pairs Just like our world And I wanted the walrus but what choice did I have? So I added some consolation prizes... I'm bound to get one of them The Walrus who slouches The Ant who never listens The Turtle who talks to himself The Whale with the deformity The Praying Mantis (too religious!) The T-Rex with the family situation Or at least the Shark who seems a little gay I entered with seven ballots So I paired the world off the animal kingdom inter species was the point but it couldn't work I got the seal Probably beautiful but not who I want Dissapointment ruled me And I had to know what happened Maybe I just wanted power? Well they all found other species Probably forgot about me even the Walrus he got an old Elephant The feeling was dangerous nostalgic but all I ever wanted was the Walrus and the Narwhal
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Mar 29, 2012
Mar 29, 2012 at 4:49 PM UTC
The Walrus and the Narwhal
Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone, When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown? The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true, A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too. Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know, Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told? Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think? In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think. I am over here and over there, "Hello!" or "Goodbye", What is seriously wrong with my mind? Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways, Family? Forget it... I lie and I lie. I pretend that I feel nothing, Nothing touches me, But truth be told I am terrfied, My heart, as if, bleeds. Perhaps you've heard of Fibro, Or IBS as well, Maybe you know Chronic pain, And a fatigue like hell. Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain, Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again. "How can it be hard to get out of bed?" "How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?" You won't understand, even though I've tried, No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed. I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job", "You will be nothing when you get started and move on." "Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life? Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?" "You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax." "You are doing nothing but sitting around, So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round." I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure, The worthless, dissapointment, the immature. "I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be", Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean. I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?" Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn. There is help out there, there are programs and places to go, But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go? Who may be sick for the rest of their lives, Who doesn't even feel worthy of time? People do what they have to, to go off and survive, But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone, Please know, they try...
0
Aug 3, 2017
Aug 3, 2017 at 4:31 AM UTC
Worth it?
Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone, When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown? The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true, A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too. Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know, Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told? Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think? In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think. I am over here and over there, "Hello!" or "Goodbye", What is seriously wrong with my mind? Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways, Family? Forget it... I lie and I lie. I pretend that I feel nothing, Nothing touches me, But truth be told I am terrfied, My heart, as if, bleeds. Perhaps you've heard of Fibro, Or IBS as well, Maybe you know Chronic pain, And a fatigue like hell. Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain, Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again. "How can it be hard to get out of bed?" "How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?" You won't understand, even though I've tried, No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed. I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job", "You will be nothing when you get started and move on." "Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life? Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?" "You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax." "You are doing nothing but sitting around, So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round." I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure, The worthless, dissapointment, the immature. "I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be", Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean. I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?" Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn. There is help out there, there are programs and places to go, But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go? Who may be sick for the rest of their lives, Who doesn't even feel worthy of time? People do what they have to, to go off and survive, But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone, Please know, they try...
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I tried to hug my mom the other day But instead of hugging me back she said all I do is cause her pain I was at a lost for words, I didn't know what to say Then I went to my room because she told me to get out of her face As I walked to my room I didn't know what to think That pain is inexplicable when your own mom doesn't want to speak I crawled into my bed feeling lost and weak It was a struggle to breath forget eat or drink So for two days straight all I did was weep and sleep Because I couldn't get rid of that feeling when my mom lost faith I got in an argument with my dad it was the same story But unlike other writings this story will never be boring Because I was called young, dumb, stupid and a dissapointment They always hated me but I mean who could blame them Because all I ever do is fail no matter how hard I try Because I can never fix my problems no matter how hard I try I've lived to learn that my parents will never be happy no matter now hard I try But my days of trying to make them happy are finally over My days of causing pain will continue no longer Because after today no one will suffer me growing older Maybe it didn't have to come to this if I was a little stronger Suicide is usually an unhappy memory But honestly no one even deserves to remember me I'm sure the world will be a better place when I'm not here to see Because all I ever did Was make the world hate me
0
Jun 17, 2018
Jun 17, 2018 at 11:19 AM UTC
A Nuisance
For my mate Ernest W who cared.... Invisible in silky strands, a gossamer of lethal thought, Drifting through the nether regions, touching on my mind. Complication’s vagaries encroaching on the circumspect Magnifying well beyond solutions I can find. Nervous in the groundswell now, I feel it all inflating, Inflating to a curtaining beyond my self control, Waves of peristalsis in a shrill persistant keening, Locking out the sanity in holding logic’s goal. Waves of peristalsis in a bath of perspiration Panic in a rupture at the coccyx of my spine, Ravenously eating at the fabric of all reason Ravenously gnawing at this rationale of mine. ***** in a puddle on the floor beside my footwear Cloying is the stench of the ***** in my drawers, Lost are the vestiges of any thought of decency Gone is the differentiation in my flaws. Clenching of hands in a bind of blue confusion Catatonic slowness in arresting the decline, Vaccilating eyeballs are rolling for the camera And utter desolation is a flavour on my mind. Why be concerned with the shaming of tomorrow? Why come to terms with the maunderings of late? Why face the music of the mirth and derision When there’s a more practical direction to take? Glide to the realm of the smooth overflowing Slide in the slipstream oblivion makes, Slip the bonds of your sad  mortal tenure’s Awful array of destructive mistakes. Glide to the realm of serene independence Glide far away from the troubled and hard, Gone to the gossamer web of the ether Gone to the nether world’s silky facade. *...........: But what's the guts Courageous, You happy with your deed? Are your friends all overjoyed To see your suicide succeed? Is your family unaffected By the loss and guilt remorse, Your sudden grand departure leaving kids without recourse? Did you think about the aftermath? The chaos and the pain And the long term implications Of your shattered families' shame? The guilt within your partners heart, The kids who are confused And the ****** dissapointment Of your mates.. who feel abused? The mess you left behind you And the tangled web you wove And the bruising of good memories For which, you once,...had strove. Your painless, quick demise, you thought, Released you from all this..... But the sadness in the silent eyes Condemns you as remiss.* Marshalg   In an effort to understand why? ....And explain why not ! 9 December 2010 Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/suicide-12/#ixzz17kzvfsTk
0
Dec 10, 2010
Dec 10, 2010 at 2:09 PM UTC
Suicide
For my mate Ernest W who cared.... Invisible in silky strands, a gossamer of lethal thought, Drifting through the nether regions, touching on my mind. Complication’s vagaries encroaching on the circumspect Magnifying well beyond solutions I can find. Nervous in the groundswell now, I feel it all inflating, Inflating to a curtaining beyond my self control, Waves of peristalsis in a shrill persistant keening, Locking out the sanity in holding logic’s goal. Waves of peristalsis in a bath of perspiration Panic in a rupture at the coccyx of my spine, Ravenously eating at the fabric of all reason Ravenously gnawing at this rationale of mine. ***** in a puddle on the floor beside my footwear Cloying is the stench of the ***** in my drawers, Lost are the vestiges of any thought of decency Gone is the differentiation in my flaws. Clenching of hands in a bind of blue confusion Catatonic slowness in arresting the decline, Vaccilating eyeballs are rolling for the camera And utter desolation is a flavour on my mind. Why be concerned with the shaming of tomorrow? Why come to terms with the maunderings of late? Why face the music of the mirth and derision When there’s a more practical direction to take? Glide to the realm of the smooth overflowing Slide in the slipstream oblivion makes, Slip the bonds of your sad  mortal tenure’s Awful array of destructive mistakes. Glide to the realm of serene independence Glide far away from the troubled and hard, Gone to the gossamer web of the ether Gone to the nether world’s silky facade. *...........: But what's the guts Courageous, You happy with your deed? Are your friends all overjoyed To see your suicide succeed? Is your family unaffected By the loss and guilt remorse, Your sudden grand departure leaving kids without recourse? Did you think about the aftermath? The chaos and the pain And the long term implications Of your shattered families' shame? The guilt within your partners heart, The kids who are confused And the ****** dissapointment Of your mates.. who feel abused? The mess you left behind you And the tangled web you wove And the bruising of good memories For which, you once,...had strove. Your painless, quick demise, you thought, Released you from all this..... But the sadness in the silent eyes Condemns you as remiss.* Marshalg   In an effort to understand why? ....And explain why not ! 9 December 2010 Read more: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/suicide-12/#ixzz17kzvfsTk
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62
Acrobats diving into a sea of exotica Landing amongst the heroes and the renegades They were equipped with the power of silence, Subtle yet unafraid And all disbelievers drown in decimals of a twisted maze Were they casting  spells on the curious? Or we're they the definition of what it is to be brave? I wasn't ignorant I was here to learn from it It was force that lead me into the darkness just to find the light of faith and hope at the end of the tunnel At the end of a race After an avalanche of discouragement I finally saw the weekly forecast of what it could be. Partly sunny Mainly rain A light chill Or a thunderstorm I wanted more I wanted everything I wanted more I had everything I was dreamer drunk on dandelions only to find what couldn't be true But I wanted to; I wanted you I was hopeless romantic with a bad attitude With a delirious mind casting spells on you I was entitled You weren't having it I wanted everything But you wanted less from me I was incapable, but you were everything You had nothing But you were my everything
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Oct 4, 2013
Oct 4, 2013 at 1:30 AM UTC
Everything from dissapointment
You see I am a silent Tao more words count less especially in this letter, And when you're finished reading it you can laugh at me if it makes you feel any better.   Which is okay with me but what's not is that you all just get to keep on living, Without me with you during all of your tomorrows so this note is my forgiving; To my family and friends who have hurt me and treated me wrong... But maybe no fault of yours but still it hurt and didn't even make me strong. To all except my daughter who needs no forgiveness from me she's done to me nothing wrong, Unlike I did to her her whole life but it's like I said...because I'm not very strong. A coward really!  But I'm not gay, a ****** or flamboyant, It doesn't really matter though anyway I still am a dissapointment. So I deserve your ridicule I'm no good to others and in my life it has shown, I don't expect you to except me to forgive me or to even to condone... This "Pipeline Boy" who in my youth which is how I was raised and I thought it was right, From behind closed doors was I taught to be feminine and ladylike. I tried to live my life straight marrying three lovely ladies..."myself" I tried to convert, I helped to make a little girl (it was my crowning achievement in life) my marriages didn't work. Attempting to ask for forgiveness I was rushed and sorta fell, Falling fifty-five feet breaking twenty-one bones and on my way to hell. Trying to forgive myself in front of God on my way down... "I'm Still Falling!" were my very last thoughts just before my body hit the ground. You see I've been treated like a ***** all my life by most these men, I don't know if it's theirs or mine to own...this unforgivable sin. So now I partake in the world's oldest profession, Woman don't do what's done to me being a women's the only way for me to get to Heaven! So now I am Robin Ashley and hope for as long as I am you'll be my friend, Because It no longer feels right for me to go around living life just to pretend. My last name stays the same so she won't feel I abandoned her again, For she's the only one in this world that I do not want to offend. So I'll live my life in cognito causing you all no consequence nor strife, When you're apalled by this letter remember it's not yours-but it's "My" life! I apologize for posting such an obscene  'b l of distaste, I'm just so **** tired of living my life with a mask on my face. I don't know how my family found me here on facebook I guess it really doesn't matter, My name is now Robin Ashley Latham and its because it makes me less sadder!      Robin Ashley
0
Sep 13, 2015
Sep 13, 2015 at 5:45 PM UTC
"The Silent Tao"
You see I am a silent Tao more words count less especially in this letter, And when you're finished reading it you can laugh at me if it makes you feel any better.   Which is okay with me but what's not is that you all just get to keep on living, Without me with you during all of your tomorrows so this note is my forgiving; To my family and friends who have hurt me and treated me wrong... But maybe no fault of yours but still it hurt and didn't even make me strong. To all except my daughter who needs no forgiveness from me she's done to me nothing wrong, Unlike I did to her her whole life but it's like I said...because I'm not very strong. A coward really!  But I'm not gay, a ****** or flamboyant, It doesn't really matter though anyway I still am a dissapointment. So I deserve your ridicule I'm no good to others and in my life it has shown, I don't expect you to except me to forgive me or to even to condone... This "Pipeline Boy" who in my youth which is how I was raised and I thought it was right, From behind closed doors was I taught to be feminine and ladylike. I tried to live my life straight marrying three lovely ladies..."myself" I tried to convert, I helped to make a little girl (it was my crowning achievement in life) my marriages didn't work. Attempting to ask for forgiveness I was rushed and sorta fell, Falling fifty-five feet breaking twenty-one bones and on my way to hell. Trying to forgive myself in front of God on my way down... "I'm Still Falling!" were my very last thoughts just before my body hit the ground. You see I've been treated like a ***** all my life by most these men, I don't know if it's theirs or mine to own...this unforgivable sin. So now I partake in the world's oldest profession, Woman don't do what's done to me being a women's the only way for me to get to Heaven! So now I am Robin Ashley and hope for as long as I am you'll be my friend, Because It no longer feels right for me to go around living life just to pretend. My last name stays the same so she won't feel I abandoned her again, For she's the only one in this world that I do not want to offend. So I'll live my life in cognito causing you all no consequence nor strife, When you're apalled by this letter remember it's not yours-but it's "My" life! I apologize for posting such an obscene  'b l of distaste, I'm just so **** tired of living my life with a mask on my face. I don't know how my family found me here on facebook I guess it really doesn't matter, My name is now Robin Ashley Latham and its because it makes me less sadder!      Robin Ashley
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when you are hit with that insult you fantasize about 24/7 i will try and laugh, and maybe a giggle escapes. With all my efforts of trying to escape, trying to hide how much damage you have enduced, how much of my soul you have just stolen from me, i will disasterly fail. And the pain will seep through my eyes. and i will once again fail to surprise myself. For all your insults havent made me stronger, oh all your insults have just stripped my confidence, away. Fo all your insults have done is make yourself a bigger ****** all your insults just let everyone see how unworthy of a life you really are. But that statement would be a lie. For all your insults have done is damage me to a lce no ne will be able to repair but me. nd when you wonder, mother, why i am the way i am. Please do not look at me for answer's look in the mirror and, then, i beg of you glance at society. Because when society has reached the point of utter disgustance that suicide is something you simply insult someone with is funny, when society reaches the point of utter dissapointment that so mny people feel the need to die to escape, you should not be blaming anyone. Society itself should be looking at what we have made of ourselves. society itself should be looking at how the bad parenting reflects so much. because it only takes one insult, to send so many people over the edge.
0
Jan 30, 2013
Jan 30, 2013 at 10:12 PM UTC
laugh
The picture, a blank, formal take, Expressing not your smile, Nor your happiness, But your dissapointment, You're hard, stern, Miserable. Your number, you are not a person, You are a digit in the eyes of the Gods, noone cares who you are, what you do, where you go, do what you please, they don't turn their heads. Your name, a title that cannot suggest your character, People shout it, but sometimes never know the person underneath, The most beautiful name, the most hideous idiot Coming from the other side of the world, No one cares.
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Feb 5, 2010
Feb 5, 2010 at 1:15 PM UTC
Passport Number
LIVING IN THIS LIFE WITH NO PAIN LIVING IN THIS LIFE WITH NOTHING TO GAIN LIVING IN THIS LIFE NOT HAVING A CARE OF THE WORLD LIVING IN THE LIFE OF NO SORROWS LIVING IN THE LIFE OF NOTHING TO LOSE LIVING IN THE LIFE OF I DON'T CARE LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT DISSAPOINTMENT LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT THE WORDS I'M SORRY LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT TEARS LIVING IN THE LIFE WITOUT FEAR LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT **** LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT ****** LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT COMPETION LIVING IN THE LIFE WITH NO AIDS LIVING IN THE WITHOUT DEATH LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT WORRY LIVING IN THE LIFE WITHOUT ANY DOUBT IN YOUR MINE LIVING IN THE WORLD WITHOUT DRUG ADDICTS LIVING IN THIS WORLD SAYING I'M FINE WE CAN ONLY WISH WE LIVED IN A PERFECT WORLD BUT IN ALL REALITY YOU HAVE TO KNOW GOD DIDN'T PUT US IN THE WORLD TO BE PERFECT KNOW THAT YOUR GOING TO GO THROUGH SOME HARD TIMES IN LIFE THATS WHAT LIFE IS REALLY ABOUT KNOW THAT ITS NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP GOING ON WITH WHY AND WHY NOTS JUST DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO TO GET WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AND YOULL BE FINE TRUST ME YOUR TIME WILL COME GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU UNTIL NEXT TIME LOVE JANNELL
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May 12, 2010
May 12, 2010 at 9:22 AM UTC
HEARTFELT THOUGHT AND POEM
So pick up the scissors and cut it the **** out! Then take a stick and knock it the **** off. Alright, all done? Are you ready for a conversation consisting of truth? Or does that concept still, somehow, confuse you? For years I've been fighting a battle with the cowardice in you! And now, after all of it, I have more emotional involvement in my shoe. No, scratch that, not in my shoe... Because that dog **** I stepped in last week, has more integrity than you. Fidelity, do you know what that is? Egregious, do you know that word exists? How about 'low life ***** mother fucker'? Oh, meaning got through. Allow me a moment to adjust my vocabulary for you. You're a coward. A snail. A waste of my time and space. A blister, throbbing pustule on the *** of the human race. You have never been loyal. You're robbing me of my youth. The worst part is, I see myself becoming like you. I admire the way you avoid the subject. The method you use to crawl out of the line of fire. Throwing others in front of the bus so you don't hit the tires. That's right, its all their fault, duh. You really think I'm that ******* stupid, huh? Well. **** you.You're a ****** A ******* class A. A dissapointment, A nebbish, A poltroon, A quitter and recreant. Someone I should have never given a second glace. I mean it. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit. I regret the last four years of this **** I'd be ******* stupid to stick around for more of this. I give your life meaning? Purpose? If that's true I hope you're crushed by my indifference.
0
May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013 at 9:09 AM UTC
Ode to Hate: Husband
So pick up the scissors and cut it the **** out! Then take a stick and knock it the **** off. Alright, all done? Are you ready for a conversation consisting of truth? Or does that concept still, somehow, confuse you? For years I've been fighting a battle with the cowardice in you! And now, after all of it, I have more emotional involvement in my shoe. No, scratch that, not in my shoe... Because that dog **** I stepped in last week, has more integrity than you. Fidelity, do you know what that is? Egregious, do you know that word exists? How about 'low life ***** mother fucker'? Oh, meaning got through. Allow me a moment to adjust my vocabulary for you. You're a coward. A snail. A waste of my time and space. A blister, throbbing pustule on the *** of the human race. You have never been loyal. You're robbing me of my youth. The worst part is, I see myself becoming like you. I admire the way you avoid the subject. The method you use to crawl out of the line of fire. Throwing others in front of the bus so you don't hit the tires. That's right, its all their fault, duh. You really think I'm that ******* stupid, huh? Well. **** you.You're a ****** A ******* class A. A dissapointment, A nebbish, A poltroon, A quitter and recreant. Someone I should have never given a second glace. I mean it. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit. I regret the last four years of this **** I'd be ******* stupid to stick around for more of this. I give your life meaning? Purpose? If that's true I hope you're crushed by my indifference.
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34
I woke up with a splitting headache, I may drink too much but my parents dont need to know that. I had to forget that wretched evening and it was my only way out. My reflection was a dissapointment, as always. There were no letters with my adress and no messages with my name. I was starting to act like my father, it was unavoidable, I know. But a part of me had no desire in a broken future, I had cut a sliver of daydreams, child's play. But this was reality I was facing. It wasn't facing, more like nodding in agreement. I had no fight left in me. Nothing to lose. Nothing to gain. Im now falling asleep at my desk, adjusting for a new day ahead. We're all adjusting, but no one is actually comfortable. My arms are spotted with bruises as the bottle settles my dreary mind. I dont know how long I can perform this act. Re-runs aren't appreciated anyway. So why dont you take me off the air. Or perhaps, just shatter me into pieces on the blood stained kitchen floor.
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Jul 22, 2014
Jul 22, 2014 at 7:15 AM UTC
recordings from a pessimist
It's scary Not really knowing who you are I guess it depends on the scene Every setting a different person Every setting the same body It's scary Not knowing your mind Not knowing your heart You trying to help You tearing me apart But what hurts the most Being surrounded by actors Wanting to trust But terrified of dissapointment Dispite all of this I won't change me because of actors ■sscsx
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Jul 12, 2016
Jul 12, 2016 at 10:12 PM UTC
Surrounded by Actors
The illusion of having so much to lose I hold back who I really am And when will I feel free to let go? No one knows. Well there is that one thing, dissapointment, a cowardly word it keeps me fenced and I jump too soon every time so the fence grows taller So I'll let go of my dissapointment and let the fence fall over. Embrace change Next Next opportunity
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Feb 23, 2013
Feb 23, 2013 at 3:04 AM UTC
Illusion
He see's me cover my face in shame, What have I done. How could I do it again. He told me I shouldn't, yet I did. I'm falling from my pedestal. Down into a canyon. Hate or Love. What matters anymore. I'm on the bottom. The pit uncaring. Who cares about me now. Now that I've done it again. No one can trust me, they all look at me dissapointed. I get glares of untrue rumors. But they are all variations of reality. It changed everything, what have I done. The walls are caving in and the roof is falling down. No where to escape the deep abyss. No way to turn and falling farther. No way to escape it. Everyone knows. I continue falling. Scared and ashamed am I. It's done, can't change it now. No longer on the throne, now with the beggars. No love around me. No where to belong. What shame I have committed. What dissapointment on his face. On mine. Will I ever belong again.
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Mar 19, 2013
Mar 19, 2013 at 10:44 AM UTC
I Cheated
I must choose Between my father's happiness                      and mine. Knowing all is in good cause But lifting a finger to say Just cause I've been raised By this man, In this house, On this bridge, For connections of heart, I have to Am expected to Make the same decision? They make sponges of young Take advantage And force them to believe Make them go to church Of the same religion that befalls of their parents. etc. But I am a free heart destined to make my own choice My mother saved me from this prison, This brainwashing So I will defend my right. I see the looks of dissapointment. But in my mother's eyes there is triumph. Then I fall back to: "You are my last chance of not being a failure as a father."
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Feb 4, 2011
Feb 4, 2011 at 10:03 PM UTC
Decision
Silence as he goes down the steps he knows he musn't wake his mother who sleeps upstairs he musn't wake his sisters or his brothers He opens the door to the bathroom and Sees his reflection UGLY, STUPID, WORTHLESS Words like these bounce around his mind His skull is a bouncy house and more words keep piling in Wanting a chance to jump high He opens the cupboard and sees the pills A bottle of painkillers the doctor gave to his sister He creeps back to his room Slient like a night cat and he sits on his bed with the note right beside Sorry for being such a dissapointment, sorry for causing pain, I am gone now don't worry anymore i will longer I have to be a burden he opens the cap and he can feel that he wants to cry he pours the pills into his hand and takes each one one at a time I am gone, gone forever never to return again No longer have to be a disapointment I can be who I want to be after death No longer having to feel less No longer I have to be stong As I sing the sucide Song
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Jan 27, 2013
Jan 27, 2013 at 6:56 PM UTC
The Sucide Song
And I really do mean men. And mostly white men. I learned that at Columbia film school In LA, at USC, all those male filmmakers were somewhat suspect What they made, could not often be called "art" but even worse they tended to extreme geekines They wore ***** athletic shoes everywhere and spent long hours on sets in t-shirts, wearing caps with the name of their film on them and not smelling particularly fresh They were not particularly athletic in a city that sport "muscle beach." But here, they were MEN. They could hold their own in any test of masculinity as art is a serious undertaking, and requires great powers of the intellect And here, where most life is spent indoors, the men dressed well, in proper leather shoes that had names, and followed the fashion of the bohemian moment which was not considered bad, maybe because you need clothes so much there You are always freezing or sweltering and sweating. You freeze outside in winter and you sweat when you come indoors. In the summer you boil outside in hot and air conditioned New York, like you are in purgatory, and then freeze again in the air conditioning To have that artistic authority, no woman can come close It isn't a woman's world, at least in the early nineties in New York, it wasn't Such a dissapointment for me since I thought I could somehow slip through by sheer cleverness It's like a black person hoping to be identified as white. It can't be done. There was a place for me, like no matter where I hid in a cinematography class in the front, middle or back I always became the woman who is photographed to demonstrate lighting "You learn the most up here" said Beta Badka, in a thick Ukrainian accent as he set me on a stool But that's not where I wanted to be I longed to be taken seriously, telling stories about women, about girls and having them be respected with that same cache that came with stories of men
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Nov 25, 2012
Nov 25, 2012 at 8:10 PM UTC
In New York, Art is Serious Work for Men
And I really do mean men. And mostly white men. I learned that at Columbia film school In LA, at USC, all those male filmmakers were somewhat suspect What they made, could not often be called "art" but even worse they tended to extreme geekines They wore ***** athletic shoes everywhere and spent long hours on sets in t-shirts, wearing caps with the name of their film on them and not smelling particularly fresh They were not particularly athletic in a city that sport "muscle beach." But here, they were MEN. They could hold their own in any test of masculinity as art is a serious undertaking, and requires great powers of the intellect And here, where most life is spent indoors, the men dressed well, in proper leather shoes that had names, and followed the fashion of the bohemian moment which was not considered bad, maybe because you need clothes so much there You are always freezing or sweltering and sweating. You freeze outside in winter and you sweat when you come indoors. In the summer you boil outside in hot and air conditioned New York, like you are in purgatory, and then freeze again in the air conditioning To have that artistic authority, no woman can come close It isn't a woman's world, at least in the early nineties in New York, it wasn't Such a dissapointment for me since I thought I could somehow slip through by sheer cleverness It's like a black person hoping to be identified as white. It can't be done. There was a place for me, like no matter where I hid in a cinematography class in the front, middle or back I always became the woman who is photographed to demonstrate lighting "You learn the most up here" said Beta Badka, in a thick Ukrainian accent as he set me on a stool But that's not where I wanted to be I longed to be taken seriously, telling stories about women, about girls and having them be respected with that same cache that came with stories of men
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28
Do you hear me? Is my voice mature enough to articulate my plea? Should I wait a year or two for my basic right of explination? I'm sure being so young entitles me to draw attention to myself, And forget my place in your most complicated world. So forgive me for the assumption that the past you leave behind Is the future I'm about to command with my inexperiance. Instead of teaching me, you choose to neglect. Instead of preparing me, you choose look down upon and degrade me. Instead of acknowledging me, you choose to medicate me. You gave me a false sense of entitlement and then punish me For your mistakes. Do you see me? Does my face have the careworn scowl that yours now carries? Are my eyes still carrying the innocence that you regret losing? Don't fret for me then Because it will soon fade. The hope that I carry within my smile Will soon mimic the dissapointment in yours. I am your child. I am your student. I am your caretaker when you are old. I am your future leader that will stand in your place. I am encouragable and thirsty for when my voice carries weight. And when my face grows with the ideas you have placed in my head, Then you have no one to blame but yourself when your voice goes mute. You'll be wanting for attention And my response will be that of rememberance of when I was a child.
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Sep 9, 2010
Sep 9, 2010 at 3:24 PM UTC
Encouragable
The feeling of your dissapointment was palpable, I could taste it on my tongue like I hadn't brushed my teeth in days, And feel it thick in the atmosphere, Like heavy smoke from a forest fire. The grey bags under my eyes did nothing but exclaim my insomnia, When you told me that maybe I just wasn't going to bed at the right time. And frustration swam round my bloodstream as I just couldn't get the right pitch to that song I alsways used to sing. The melancholy rumble from my gut, Reminded me that I was alone unless I had a full stomach, My figure didn't matter, Cause neither I, Let alone anyone else sexualised it. (No one of my own age that is) Sleep deprivation rushes round me like gale force winds from a tropic storm, Lack of money burns holes in my pockets, and wanderlust nags at my brain like overdue assignments from a College wreck, Whilst everyones moaning infects me like a plague, when I find stress spots crawling up my neck. I am generation Z, Generation nothing, Generation give up, Generation what the **** Generation, "Who the hell told you I could live like this?" But I am privileged, In a house, But I am not me. I am grieving. I am grieving myself again.
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Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 12:26 PM UTC
I feel I am loosing meaning.