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Autumn Jan 24
I look around
And I wonder
How did I make it here
To a life I seem to be happy in
To a life I haven’t thought of leaving in so long
A life I wouldn’t want to leave
A me, I love
I remember how it use to be
And fear fills me
Insatiable hunger for more
Fills me
Every open space tingles
Feeling as though I am not doing enough
Feeling as though I am lost
I walk to his door
And for a moment
I wonder what am I doing?
Who am I?
Who have I become?
Would I recognize myself?
I call out to her-
And she smiles and nods at me.
I think you continue to walk
Maybe never knowing
And maybe they just say they know
But I don’t feel the dirt under my nails
I don’t feel the ache in the back of my throat
I don’t feel the passion burning and escaping and filling the room
I don’t feel the warmth on my hands
I feel the weight
Heavy on my heart-yet somehow basked in peace
And I do not know which path to take
So I will continue to live with the uncertainty
Until I feel
Feel it all
Autumn Jan 24
On a run
Thinking about how at 14
I was cutting my thighs
And now at 24
I’m running
Thinking about how at 14 I was running
Then and now
But my thighs don’t look the same
And my smile is brighter
But she still lingers
In the background
Wanting to say hi
Waiting to hug me under the water
Hoping she can kiss me
And **** all of the air from my lungs
Holding my hand
She will let go
As I drown
Far down below
And I remember when I was 24
Smiling and running
Until I could no longer
Autumn Jan 9
I will caress my soul
With loving words
And grace
I will give her my love
And kiss every inch
Whispering to her
“You are beautiful”
I will write it on the inside of her eyelids
“You are enough”
I will anchor it to her feet
“It is okay to stay”
I will hold her hand
And she takes a step
I will tell her she can trust
And love
And give
She will stay herself
She will be better
She can join a “we”

I will sing to her in the shower
And beg her to leave bed when she no longer can lay there
I will convince her to do yoga
And eat
And go for a run
I will chase the endorphins for her
I will take care of her
The way I would you
And I will kiss her goodnight
And tell her how proud I am
That she awoke
Autumn Jan 9
No matter how great you become
Or how fit
Or successful
It will never change that when you were younger
It was not enough
Autumn Dec 2022
You wouldn’t know it
But if you look at my highlight reel
You would have no idea I lost so much in 2021
But you’ll see a trip to Montana, Maui, a college graduation, a commissioning, a BOLC graduation, new friends, and many smiles
That when I think of 2021 I think of those-
But I think of you
The one I fell in love with
And lost.
I think of the partner I had and grew out of.
I think of all of the decisions at night I took.
I think of so much more
And if you look back- you would have no clue.
And then I realized
That is my entire life.
If you look in 2017 you wouldn’t see the challenges
Or 2012 the self harm
And in 2018 you wouldn’t see me trying to leave a school
And in 2019 you would see me in China and Morocco- smiling and laughing and living
Being free
But every day
I do not forget where I came from
I do not let the growth live without acknowledgment
I applaud those that chase the wind until they feel it sweep them up
I embrace those that make the climb
And I reach out to those who are searching
And I save a place for when I return
To the dark places again
I savor a little light with me
To make the next journey
A step easier
Autumn Dec 2022
If I am to live a life
It is one where
I look back and I remember
My fist was in the air,
My voice loud and booming.
I will remember the feeling of wind in my hair and a smile across my face,
A smile deep in my soul.
I will hear the laughter, and joy
The tears and pain.
I will recall the pitter patter of anxiety,
I will feel the ambush of relief,
I will embrace the remnants of a journey long sought after.

I will remember the sound of my boots on dirt
On gravel
On air
On water

I will explain the love of self
And the love of he and I together

And I will have lived a life
A life intrinsic to balance
And goodness
And whole heartedness
I will remember the friends and family
And the good intentions
I will try to remember

the only value all of it has
Is here
And now
And I will know now
The gratitude in every breath
The abundance of bliss
In the opening arms of a stranger

We will have loved and lived and laughed and grieved in this second and infinite more
For that second is all but your life
Nothing to remember
Nothing to romanticize
Here and now
To live or let lost
To give or take
Now live
Let go
Autumn Dec 2022
The sun is shining
And I see two friends taking pictures in front of a beautiful yellow leaved tree
I see a man singing and playing guitar far away
I see a traveler sitting on a bench in peace
I see friends sharing a game
And a young family walking
I hear the birds singing
And the water floating
The leaves bright red and yellow and orange

I feel bliss and connection and freedom and happiness
And peace
And the profound connection almost brings me to tears
And these are the things I stayed here for
These are the moments I live a life for
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