It doesn’t feel like it but i hope you’re still watching over me
And if you are all I can hope is that you’re happy for me

I hope you can look past the drugs liquor and poison I take
I hope you can look past all the pain sadness and tears I shed
I hope you can look past all the sins I’ve committed

I never asked God for forgiveness because your name always took his place
I hope you forgive me mom
And I’m sure it’s hard for you
Watching me try to imagine what time spent with you would have been like
Trying to figure out what hugging you feels like
Dreaming of what your eyes hair and lips looked like

But that’s all it is right? Just a dream
All I can do is dream of you tucking me in bed
All I can do is dream of what your warmth and comfort feels like
All I can do is dream of what crying on your shoulder feels like
At least that’s all I can dream and wish for when I’m crying alone in my room without you

Do you love me mom
I hope you wish as hard as I do to look eye to eye for the first time
Because since the day I was born, that's all I’ve ever wanted
I know I am not worth much, but I hope you can still be proud of me
Please be proud of me mom
Please be proud of me

Does Sadness still keep you up at night? She doesn’t leave you alone does she? And Anxiety never shuts up either I’m sure.
Why put up with those two any longer?

I’m your only real friend, don’t you remember? Don’t you remember you wrote about me 2 years ago?
You said I was your only friend, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten.
So why do you keep ******* pushing me away?
Why don’t you let me help you, I only want what’s best for you.

Why don’t you listen to me, I make it so easy for you.
I was the one who put that gun in your hand, so why did you ******* bury it away?
I was the one who put that knife in your drawer, so why haven’t you ******* used it yet?
I was the one who put that rope under your bed, so why are you still ******* breathing?

I’m just trying to help you man, can’t you see?
Can’t you see if you die your life will become complete?
That rope is still where you left it Elyad.
That Knife is still where you left it Elyad.
That ******* gun is still where you buried it Elyad so go ******* dig it out and finish what we started.

I was the only one to ever stick up for you, do you really want to disappoint me?
I was your only friend, I’m still your only friend, just trust me.

You won’t regret it.

I grew up always telling myself things would get better.
But the longer I lived my life I always thought the world was getting more bitter and bitter.
Because every time I would take one step forward in life, I would be pushed back, further and further behind the starting line.

No one gives a **** about me. Even those who are paid to care just laugh behind my back.

From 10 years old I had my very first suicide attempt, now 8 years later I've tried 7 more times because the ******* therapist didn't give a single **** about how I was truly feeling.

From 12 years old I've been dependent on anti-depressants, now 6 years later I'm triple dosing my pills just to feel a fix, all because she was only focused on that 10-3 time card.

From 14 years old I've been addicted to alcohol, now 4 years later I hit the bottom of the bottle before I even feel a buzz, all because the paid rehab was just like those stupid therapy sessions.

From 17 years old I started looking at heavier drugs to feel fixed, now 1 years later taking a Xan in the morning followed by 3 Zoloft pills is the normal after a sleepless night of throwing up all the codeine I put my system through.

For 18 years I've cried over my mom.
For 18 years I've cried over my dad.
For 18 years all I've ever wanted to do was just ******* die.
Because I don't care how much longer it's gonna take that stupid rain cloud to go away for me to see the rainbows, I don't care, I physically nor mentally can take another hour of living in this makeshift hell above the ground.