My Murdered Miracle


so sometimes it seems a miracle may be murdered
  viciously visceral
with the shock
  and the shattering
  and the mangling of the emotions
    (and of course the inability to breathe as your soul is strangled)
      as your future is ****** over the cliff by an evil **** ******
    (and the fall may even be your fault)

yeah, I noe,
  not exactly a ******* surprise
if you've watched the decades of dying in my eyes
  or read my blog anytime after the age of 10
    (****, was that really the first poisoned when)

whatever whenever of forever later
  the sharpest shock
  the shardest shatter
the dank blank dead stare
  dried blood stains  
    un-resuscitated remains
      of what I used to share

my deep blue eyes
  open as wide as emotion allows
are riptide embraced
  into the motions beyond the shallows
    by Yur deep blue eyes
and I see straight into Yur soul
  instantly the fate of my soul
  (ooohhhhh, what I saw
     I had never even dreamed of seeing
       and You were the infinite microwave thaw
         to my forever frozen being)

**** I took the Doves of Love
  (these birds can't fly)
and with selfish enjoyment of every moment
  lagged in my movement
    towards where we were meant to be
giving them an over the cliff shove
  (why why why why why)

She is SHANNON
  SHANNON!!!
the MOST of the MOSTEST i've ever known
the PERFECT in every part and tone
  and She luved me
         SHE LUVed me!!!

I made her move and groove
  smile and giggle
  *** and then ***
    and then some

I learned and grew
  and she knew
I massaged and inspired
  until my tongue was tired
I held her as close as I could do
  and still have our heartbeats be two

**** i believed too much in my belief
  (beware the ides of grief)
failed to fast forward to what she needed
  and ended up behind what she needed!!!!

i met an angel
  and She wanted me...me
i met my angel
  and SHE Loved me...me

maybe you don't understand the historical universal infinite implications of what to you seems to be a simple detail...the coolest chick in the history of the world glowed in luving me (simply the singular most wonderful woman in strength intelligence hotness beauty empathy honesty silly sweet intensity kindness lust for life and ACTUALLY BEING ALIVE)

and i knew what to do. and it was going to give the me i've wanted to be. yo, i noe, **** i was way too slow.   FFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK

every single solitary second
  felt like the first
    excited nervous giggly jiggly
each kiss such a lip lock on joy
  that i missed the fragile of the real
    left with lonely chapped lips which shant heal



...but maybe a similar distant cousin miracle shall be the 2nd Best feeling ever that keeps him alive...

he met his angel
and even if she won't keep kissing him
he still gets to noe her right?
  Right?

When a thing is done
as a means to an end
Any meaning that thing
might have had,
Is ended.

Doing the right thing,
for the wrong reasons,
brings much worse calamity & destruction
Then doing a cataclismically wrong thing,
For all the right reasons.

When we do right,
with cruelty & ill intent
Lifetimes are spent
covering it up.
When we do wrong,
with pureness of heart
Lifetimes are given
to making it right.

The 1st is paid for with Blood,
The 2nd with Spirit
And both eventually come due.

The World we are living in today
Is that time...

However long ago the bluster shadows roll anew beyond my pale eyelids and out mornings aloud shouts ‘awaken’ the post—scribbled and crossed with meaning

There are words there are words there are words there…

But some remain obscured by others, however long ago the bluster shadows roll anew each bundled ***
of news we read one word: war.

There are words there are words there are words there…

War. Word. Word. Word, other word.

And we held hands in December of 2011, then said goodbye on the morning of January 2nd 2012, when the bluster shadows rolled anew beyond my pale eyelids the words there:

Love. Word. Word. Word, other word.

I blinked. Was on vacation with you, at your parents’ home. However long ago the bluster shadows roll anew, beyond my pale eyelids, and upstairs, outside, and gone was I. When there were words there, I blinked.

Word. Word. Word. Word, other word.

Nothing mattered anymore—not love, or war.

I’ll never try to read the future in the news again.

As few more days the bluster shadows of mind are rolled out on a bleak December of frigid interaction—another fifty years of human life—before I see you again in empty nothingness beneath my pale eyelids, without thought looming like a bomb plane, or chemical attack,

scribbled and crossed with meaning, shouts ‘Awaken’ the words of the past—

Laura. Laura. Laura. Laura. Laura, Laura.

There were --, there were --, there were --, there were -- there

My mom speaks on her First and Only son….

….. Born August 1st. to a single mother who barely made it threw his birth. Pulled from my stomach because my stress level caused an early birth, weighing less to nothing he was born N gone, doctors said his heart just wasn’t that strong, lying on his death bed I pray, “O Lord! Let my son see his brighter days!” nothing but faith ran threw my veins, I trust the Lord to do the right thing; I awoke one morning to a bright august day, and there lies my son Dante, tears ran down my eyes as I held my baby boy for the first time since that day. Now my heart is whole, the Lord has granted my son a 2nd chance. “Just me and you my son” is what I whispered in his ear as he lay close to my breast. You will change the world one day my son and I will be there every step of the way to cheer you on…No father’s shoulder to cry on, I must bear the soul of a father, and the strength of his mother, how will I explain that his father never wanted him as his son….A blessing to me, was a burden to him. How will I explain to my son that it’s not because of him! It will break his heart to know his father never loved him. Birthdays go by, and a gift from his father appears…was I foolish to sign his name? To give my son some hope on his 5th birthday, that maybe one day his father will hold his hand and teach him how to be a man. Maybe it was wrong, but on that day my son smiled ear to ear. Not because of the pair of Jordan’s that lie in the box, but because the name on that little card said “Love Your Daddy”. As my son grew older he saw the reality, there is no father. Just me his loving mother, who has never left his side, threw the good, and the bad I had his back. And if that back shall ever turn…Lord I give you my permission to take my soul and let it burn. Because a mother could never abandon her first, and only son.

understand i had to reach into such darkness to vanquish such light and shine of the false angels above this beautiful rapture..

understand i had to call forth a shadow darker then the blackness the stars roll on..

understand i called forth the 2nd shadow, the shadow of a shadow..

it comes from ponds that reflect stars, its cast from false light and false shine..

today under the old sun i perform a requiem for my shadows 2nd shadow..

i am the vocals and my shadow is the violinist.. i sing and he commands the music forth..

we sing to the fallen darkness that made true light shine on through..
we have a requiem for a 2nd shadow..

goodbye my brother of the shade.....................................

There is a quite town
in the quite state of Vermont.

Not much happens there,
but it is the place to be.
The place to think
and the place to breathe.

All I want rests there,
while all I need to get
away from lives here.

In the summer, the sun shines
and in the winter, snow falls.
Which is just like it is here.
But, it is the 2nd least populated state,
which gives me less of a chance
of running into you.

Sleeping by your side
Comforts my all
Whispering sweet nothings
From the texture of our souls

"I love you,
so much"

"I love you too"

I can breathe,
And my heart falls into you.

It's the same Sun
but it sets differently here.
Instead of the deep purple shock
of the Sun setting behind the foothills
there's a light orange hum of
the Sun fading, sinking into the ocean.

A straight horizon,
endless, unmarred.
The oil rigs, instead of staining the landscape,
add a christmasesque luminance.

Nobody is in a hurry here
and there hasn't gone by twenty minutes without the crack of a firework.

Wuats not within walking distance is no more than two buss transfers away.

Sand; everywhere: the tires of my bicycle, the souls of my boots, bedsheets, washing machine, rocking chair : Sand.

Tank tops and shorts: informal
T-shirt and jeans: formal
By the beach.

August 28, 1922.** Clarence Samuels is holding his wife’s hand, she’s groaning out limbs by the minute, pushing hard enough for life to cry out of her. He can no longer feel his fingertips from the vice grip she has on his knuckles, but that is just one more piece of himself he would give for his family.
November 16, 1924. Clarence’s daughter is over two years old, and they are taking walks to the beach. She takes interest in a dark feathered bird with a snowy underbelly like the way God only sees things in black or white, its combination of threat and promise. She asks Clarence what it is, says she would like to have one, would like to be one. But he notices, those birds only come around when it’s raining and he hasn’t seen the storm clouds yet.
March 31st, 1925. The Samuels’ daughter hasn’t stopped vomiting in two days, her radiance turning achromatic. The doctors have been prescribing medication but nothing seems to work because she cannot keep down any form of help. So Clarence starts looking up that shadowy bird they saw in the fall. Maybe that could take her mind off her affliction, maybe it would help him too.
September 4, 1925. Clarence now whispers “I love you” like the flickering flames of prayer candles, but hasn’t seen the inside of a chapel since the funeral, since he stopped being able to look into his wife’s eyes. His days are filled with sacrilegious drunk, his kitchen floor littered with whiskey labels and scotch tops, wondering what he is if not slain by this everything holy. He’s scrawling out letters to his daughter on the napkins he took from under his drinks at the bar. He’s got enough to write a book or his suicide letter.
September 30, 1925. Clarence notices that instead of crawling out of bed, the bed is crawling away from him. He chokes on the muscle memory he still retains when he walks into his daughters empty room, now turned office because his wife seems to be the only one working, the only thing still working. On the desk is his research of the bird that haunts him since that November, the Parasitic Jaeger. Their name begs question of the godless nights spent bent wave sea sick over the toilet seat, innards cascading past the roof of his mouth, making friends with the holes in his teeth. He has managed to drink himself swiss bone garden.
October 1, 1925. Clarence walks to the beach, clutching a picture of his daughter. He planned on drowning himself in the tide to mimic her, choked up on bile and lungs. Before he stepped foot in the water, the Parasitic Jaeger flew past him chasing a gull.
October 1st, Clarence went home and slept.
October 2nd, Clarence returned to the beach all guilt and full body, BAC hitting a record .25 and he slipped into the sea only to watch the same Jaeger chasing another gull. Clarence watched as the gull emptied itself open casket into the water and flew away while the Jaeger feasted on the sick. Clarence took another small step into the shore line, now chest deep in more than regret. The bird turned his head slowly towards the human moving closer him. Clarence, open arms and locked eyes whispered, “I am sick too, do not forget me.”

Pastor Grovell writes as follows.....

I am often asked to interpret the Ten Commandments as they seem sometimes a bit out of date and irrelevant (and hard to understand by some of the more ******** folks). So here goes with the update we use in our own godly congregation. These are my revised and corrected commandments.  The originals are in the beloved King James version but where that is unclear I quote a more modern version too to assist those of you who are more or less illiterate. In the bible, the commandments are unaccompaned by the punishments you will get if you disobey them so I have updated that too, according to STRICT biblical scholarship.

===================================================­=================

1st Commandment: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me". This seems quite unequivocal to me but of course it was written BEFORE Jesus came to save us so here is the new version:

PG's NEW NUMBER 1: WORSHIP ONLY GOD (INCLUDING JESUS WHO IS PART OF GOD ANYWAY) & DO IT FREQUENTLY OR GOD WILL CRUSH YOU!

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2nd Commandment: "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

That seems a bit wordy to me and there is a bit of overlap with Number 1! In any case, it's a bit out of date as not many people worship idols, giant earthworms or fish these days. Perhaps a modern update would include not worshipping the TV set!

PG's NEW NUMBER 2: DO NOT WORSHIP THE TV SET OR ANYTHING SIMILAR OR GOD WILL BE VERY ANNOYED INDEED AND WILL PUNISH YOU AND ALL YOUR DESCENDANTS & THEIR DESCENDANTS TOO SO WATCH OUT ALL YOU HEATHEN COUCH POTATOES!

====================================================­================

3rd Commandment: "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain." Again a bit long-winded, and the vain bit will confuse some people.

PG's NEW NUMBER 3: DO NOT BLASPHEME OR GOD WILL CRUSH YOU IN AN INCREDIBLY PAINFUL WAY & SLOWLY AS WELL!

========================================================­============

4th Commandment: "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work; But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it."

This is a difficult one to observe nowadays, what with Sunday opening at the shopping mall. The solution seems to be that non-Christians, Jews and Muslims can work to serve us whilst we go shopping. It shows why God created heathens and other infidels so they can sell godly people bibles, hymnals and religious artefacts on the Sabbath, even though they will probably go to Hell themselves as a result. And the bit about animals not working on Sundays seems pointless today so we'll skip that section.

PG's NEW NUMBER 4: WORK HARD FOR SIX DAYS A WEEK INCLUDING SATURDAYS AND THEN HAVE A NICE REST ON SUNDAYS BUT GET IN A LOT OF PRAYING ON SUNDAY OR YOU WILL BE PUNISHED IMMENSELY BY GOD!

=========================================================­===========

5th Commandment: "Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."

Seems clear enough; particular the 2nd bit which people forget. This is particularly important as people live much longer nowadays and often old folks have to be put into a home which can be expensive, but God wants us to do it. Also, do not skimp on the private facilities - do you really want your old wizened parents to share a bathroom with other incontinents? No I don't think you do. Also, one must remember that a lot of people are ******* and don't have the vaguest idea who their father was. Often the mother has no idea either, filthy ****.

PG's NEW NUMBER 5: RESPECT YOUR PARENTS NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT COSTS OR GOD WILL SHORTEN YOUR OWN LIFE AS A PUNISHMENT & YOU WILL SUFFER A LOT! IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOUR PARENTS ARE, YOU ARE A ******* AND WILL GO TO HELL.

========================================================­============

6th Commandment: "Thou shalt not ****." This one is a real problem for so many of us! What should we do if a mugger comes and tries to rob us? What should we do if someone threatens to **** and **** our womenfolk? What if heathens attack our nation? What about the inalienable American right to bear arms and **** unarmed protesters? What about the British right to rule over inferior races and shoot rebels? I think God was insufficiently insightful here, so my version is quite a radical improvement.

PG's NEW NUMBER 6: DO NOT **** PEOPLE UNLESS IT IS NECESSARY OR IF THEY ARE BURGLING *******!

====================================================­================


7th Commandment: "Thou shalt not commit adultery."This is OK as far as it goes but it is totally inadequate to deal with the amount of ***-SIN which is about the place in the modern world, so I have expanded this to deal with the problem. Also remember that King James was a rampant and blatant sodomite and pervert and so maybe had this one censored in his version of the GOOD BOOK to cover his own back, so to speak.

PG's NEW NUMBER 7: DO NOT COMMIT ANY ***-SINS INCLUDING UNMARRIED FORNICATION, EXCESSIVE FRENCH KISSING, HEAVY PETTING, ******* (MUTUAL AND/OR SOLITARY), ADULTERY, *******, BUGGERY, ******, HOMOSEXUAL ACTS OF ALL TYPES INCLUDING LESBIANISM OF ANY SORT, *******-READING OR THINKING FILTHY ***-THOUGHTS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OR YOU WILL BURN IN HELLFIRE FOR EVER AND EVER WITH THE MOST AWFUL AGONIES, AND ALSO MINIMIZE ALL LEGAL MARITAL *** TO OCCASIONS WHEN YOU WISH TO PROPAGATE AND KEEP IT BRIEF & IN THE DARK EVEN THEN!

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8th Commandment: "Thou shalt not steal." This one seems OK to me, with a bit of modernization.

PG's NEW NUMBER 8: YOU MUST NOT STEAL OR MUG OR ROB OR BURGLARIZE OR YOU WILL BE PUNISHED UTTERLY & VERY EXTENSIVELY BY GOD IN ALL HIS MIGHTY POWER!

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9th Commandment: "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour." This is a bit too narrow as I think non-neighbours and maybe even foreigners should be included as well. Also there needs to be a reminder of the dreadful punishment liars and falsifiers face.

PG's NEW NUMBER 9: DO NOT ACCUSE ANYONE AT ALL FALSELY AND DON'T TELL ANY LIES EITHER OR GOD WILL PUNISH YOU REALLY APPALLINGLY & YOU WILL SHRIEK IN AGONY FOR EVER!

========================================================­============

10th Commandment: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ***, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's." This one really is totally out-of-date and inadequate. It should apply to everyone and not just neighbours. Also, how many people can afford servants or keep oxen? And the "***" bit is open to obscene ***-SIN misinterpretation and blasphemous sneering by wicked ***-SINNERS. So this needs a complete re-write to bring it into the 21st century and to guide godly people into the way of righteousness. And some of the modern translations of the Bible are even worse, e.g. "Do not desire another man's house; do not desire his wife, his slaves, his cattle, his donkeys, or anything else that he owns." How about if you wish to sell your own house and move to a nicer one - what is wrong with that? How about if you wish to sell your low-grade animals and buy better ones? What is this ******* obsession with donkeys and ***** - sheep can be equally tempting to s degenerate ******* ***-SINNER. So I go for a nice simple revision which covers most eventualities:

PG's NEW NUMBER 10: DON'T BE JEALOUS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BETTER FORTUNE, MAYBE THEY DESERVE IT & YOU ARE INFERIOR; STICK WITH WHAT YOU HAVE NO MATTER HOW GROTTY IT IS OR GOD WILL PUNISH YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE! AND KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE LIVESTOCK OR YOU WILL SUFFER APPALLINGLY IN DEEPEST HELL WITH RED HOT POKERS UP YOUR ****** FOR ETERNITY.

====================================================­================

So there you have it: Pastor Peter Grovell's recommendations for a life without sin. But remember to pray every single day to Jesus and under no circumstances confuse the wooden images of Jesus which the Catholics use with the real living invisible Jesus. If you fail to do what God wants, he will be left with no option but to condemn you to eternal Hellfire.

And a final point: God did not hand down to Moses any instructions about alcohol. Did He say, "Thou shalt not have a pint of beer!" NO! Did He say, "Thou shalt not have a bottle of wine!" NO! Did He even rule out a shot or two of gin, whisky, ***, brandy or any other alcoholic refreshments? NO He did not! He even transformed water into wine on several occasions, which shows he liked a glass or two down his local Jewish "pub". So there is no harm in drinking alcohol but only if it does not lead you to do ***-SIN, ******, ****, THEFT, BUGGERY, ***-COVETING or IDOL-WORSHIP!

Pastor Peter Grovell D.D., C.S.M.F.,
Founder, Ultra-Strict Reformed Church of Jesus.

Desperately detached
I'm coming up on 2nd years
With more excuses.
You just can't get enough,
(You're starving, yeah)
You can't get enough.

You put me out.
I'm in without direction
I said I was in,(I know, I know)
I said to count me in, (I know)

I always knew what good could come of this
But you lost your spark, (You lost your spark)
... And then you played the part.

I know you always said it,
But it didn't mean a thing,  
But I gotta go and get it (and get it, and get it)
I just had to go and get it (Yeah, I get it, I get it)

Ang kuwentong ito ay tungkol sa pinakamagandang yugto ng buhay ko, ang high school.
      Sa high school kasi, maraming uri ng kalayaan ang pwedeng gawin. Malaya tayong gawin ang gusto natin. Pwedeng mag-aral tayo nang mabuti, pwedeng hindi. Depende sa estudyante kung paano niya tatpusin ang araw niya a loob ng paaralan.
      Dito ko natutuhan kung paano makisalamuha at makisama sa iba't ibang tao. Dito mo mararanasang bumarkada, magsinungaling sa magulang, makasama lang sa mga lakad ng kaibigan, magkaroon ng boyfriend/girlfriend, gabihing umuwi sa lakwatsa, tapos.
      Idadahilan sa magulang na gumawa ng project at hihingi ng pera kahit wala namang babayaran sa eskwelahan. O, di ba? Saya!
      Noong ako ay nasa high school, simula 1st hanggang 3rd year ay pang-umaga ang klase ko. Mahirap man gumising nang maaga, kailangan talaga, ayoko kasi sa lahat yung late.
      Noong ako ay nag-1st year, hindi ko alam kung paano makikipag-usap sa mga kaklase ko. Nahihiya pa kasi ako at nandoon pa yung kaba. Isip bata pa ako noon at hindi pa gaano ka-matured ang ugali ko.
      Ang ginagawa ko lang ay manahimik at mag-aral ng mabuti. Dito rin ako nagsimulang magkaroon ng crush, kinikilig kapg nahuhuli ko siyang lumilingon sa akin. Hahaha! Todo kilig to the max naman ako. Yung akala mo wala nang bukas sa sobrang tuwa!
      ***** nama tayo sa buhay 2nd year ko. Sobrang saya ng tumuntong ako sa taon na ito. Dito ako nakakilala ng mga tunay na kaibigan. Naging barkada ko hangtag ngayon, kaso bihira na kaming nakakapag-usap at nagkikita kasi iba't ibang section na rin kami napunta. Dito ko unang naranasang maglakwatsa kasama ang mga kaibigan ko.

      Ngayon naman ako ay nakatuntong na ng 3rd year. Dito ay unti-unti nang nag-matured ang aking ugali. Medyo hindi ako masaya kasi bago na naman lahat ng kaklase ko pero kilala ko silang lahat. Haap ng bagong kaibigan na naman sa klase pero mas naging close ko kung mga lalaki. Ewan ko kung bakit. Hahaha! Ayoko sa mga kaklase kong babae noon, ang aarte. Pero may ilan sa kanilang naging kaibigan ko rin.
      Excited na ako sa pagtuntong ng 4th year. Mukhang masaya Pero ito na ang huling yugto sa high school life. Siguro lahat iiyak, maghihiwa-hiwalay na kasi.
      Pero mayroon pa namang reunion, at ito ang buhay high school.

I was going to text the guy (an avid Nirvana fan)
Who I had my 2nd ever one-night-stand with
That I was listening to Nirvana all week because of him
But I don't want him to know
That he had so much power over my weekly music choice

Everyday I had to repent for what I've done
You never even listened, it all just flew by and now it's gone
Despising you is all I have inside of my head
Now he will be your new Bob, but you will stay old Fred

Haha 2nd in charge, why you wanna make your chest thick?
All your childish screaming and swearing only made you the office *****
Yea you like to **** on a big fat ****
Trying to impress the wrong people and spit at it

Yo' why you so loud though? Did you swallow a **** and the mic at the same time **?
I can still hear every word you scream down my earlobe!
I was born with these and they still working fine, they ain't broke!

******* that lady was right, you really are a 2 faced ****!
Wanna take charge, never take the blame and always pass the buck
Why the sudden change, what you wanna achieve?
Meanwhile back at the ranch, we all just want you to leave!

Never did your, on the F1 page you were connected
Maybe it's time that your performance is inspected
Always some story to make you look like the hero
But he ain't seeing the truth cause he's connected to a different stereo

He only asked for your help to test your knowledge
And after a week he knew your IQ was porridge
No one supported me, but had their own private theory
Maybe I was talking, telling a life story but ya'll decided it's best not to hear me

emotionally unavailable or ******* people
myself mutilating chosen vice

(that desperate to feel
needed, wanted and appreciated
i teach pigs to fly
unattainable and insane
but driven by a need i can't control but understand
the war for control over my unfulfilled needs
the worst kind of abuse, chronic insecurity)

usually comes to an explosive end
me, demanding revolution
them, startled

Dear child,
Don't be afraid to go alone.
In fear you won't find friend,
And in friends you won't find
you.

The woods hold no sympathy,
For you, the one with nothing
Face your fears. Turn and run.
Decide.

I'll hold your hand soon,
I'll say goodbyes for you,
Hold you from the fear.
Look at this,
fragmented more and more

Look at you. She's
your mind's eye and she knows it.
Has you under her thumb,
Wrapped around her finger,
Running circles around...

You are mine, day one told me so,
Now it's day 14th, 2nd.
Heartbeat all you hear from fear.
Thud.