When I was fifteen years old I came home from school one day and wrote a poem instead of cutting myself.
The next day I didn't write a poem.
Eighteen only wrote poetry in red.
Nineteen crawled under their desk with the lights turned off.
Twenty had panic attacks.
But thirteen still loved the world.
And ten only cared about going out to play.
And nine never thought growing up to be a gender would hurt so much.
But twenty-one can't breathe in this skin anymore.
And twenty-one doesn't want a twenty-two anymore.
And nineteen tried to pretend these feelings weren't real.
And fifteen tried to eradicate all the feelings altogether.
And seventeen just cried a lot.

My years have come together to unfold me into a disaster.
I am broken even in my most whole parts.
I am empty even on my most alive days.
If you send out a SOS into my chest the sound will ring off into its empty chambers and only answer itself.

I would give up 10 years
To go back to that night
And relive being in your arms.

within the transparent lonlyness
tainted emotions are every where
through a gust of grayish gloom
with each fallen leaf fear flows
lingering in the stale dry air
passing over each wounded branch
that absorbs the shadows of sorrow
leaving behind one bare silhouette
of a tree rooted under the moon
standing alone through all upcoming years
with no way to escape the crumbling tears
from the fallen leaves of Autumn ending
and the night chills of Winter begining

All the *****-sprite infused nights
Hours spent before we finally hit the lights
The loud murmurs still pursuing the dark
And then we cursed the tipsy rusted spark

The rush when we stood on that roof-top railing
Stupidity dawned on us later, completely failing
But if I had to do it all over again hon'
I'd first say this is the stupidest idea ever
And then I'd jump the **** on.

Love. The drug.
Peddle pushing ****.
Chest pains.
More, ******* more.
Than I deserve.
Inconsistent at best.
And nervous.
And sad.
And I would make you love me,
but disappoint more,
Had I the body and shine,
to light your golden face
I would give up all that I’ve earned
these past 6 years.

But it helps to know,
I’m not too far gone
That my heart still beats,
and hurts
and my stomach tightens,
making me sick.

If I could I’d catch a plane,
leave this ******* city.
I’d run away just to return to you.
And I know you’re too pretty,
for me
Makes me want you more.
I’ve missed this feeling.
It feels like living.
In a city created to repress.

Counting down the week like its my last chance to feel like this again.

Choices and voices and speaking and words
Will hurt you more than I can bear
I want you to be free of me
Breaking your heart can never be fair

Not sure if I’ve ****** everything up
Certainly feels like a world of pain
Is headed my way
Today

We walked around
We talked the whole time
Your smile made me nervous
Every time you messed with your hair it made my knees weak.
You're everything I look for
You said let's do this again
The weird part is
I haven't seen you in two years
And it felt like I saw you yesterday
You're blue eyes looking in my green eyes
When you would just look at me and listen
You would smile when I made a dumb joke
I want to see him again
The blonde haired and blue eyed boy

Seven years ago, I knew you.

Present day, now I don't.

Gaps in time.

Never retrievable, unbelievable

nearly how much passes by.  


But here we are, so transfixed again.

Seven years later, and yet,

it doesn't seem to matter.

Feelings rise back like the sun rises in the east.

Simple, yet meaningful chatter.


We met in our youth,

whimsically and pure.

Two young souls, we lust;

in a splendidly serendipitous summer.


We met again without intention,

without mention of something greater: fate.

Memories of you wash over me, your name resurfaces.

Hypnotized by the pull, you reach out for me.


We truly met in adulthood,

filled with newfound awareness.

Two souls, we fell in love;

laughing about silly arbitrary things

like swiss miss hot chocolate,

bonobos, salad dressing and coated spinach. (I want whip)

Sharing stories of our crazy college days;

Together, getting caught with our clothes off,

to watching love birds in a courting ritual.

Recalling conversations - "what about a mastodon?"

through intense concentration.

Walking along the unsalted deep blue,

I wish we could have stood there forever,

side by side, hand in hand...


We couldn't of course, not pragmatic;

the bitter cold became problematic.

Gusts of frustrating winds, a hail of bullets.

Misty eyes and whirlwind romance.


I reached back too far, arched and overextended.

Agreements altered and amended.

Haunting words of imperfection,

and collection of unretrievable memories.


We met in our youth,

whimsically and pure.

Two souls, we lust;

Seven years, I'll see you later.

Like the carpet and our bed,
After so many years we've
Memorized each other --
Becoming permamently imprinted.