strictly speaking,
there exist no
referent
for Yesterdays Aches
or Tomorrows Concerns
in the Real World -
just
quaint tongue dances
and groans
of the throat.

During the day
I run,
From my thoughts,
From my worries,
From my fears.
But once the night has come,
There is no escaping
My thoughts,
My worries,
My fears.
They haunt me,
They trap me,
They taunt me.
They remind me,
That my parents,
That my grandparents,
That my sisters,
Are not going to live forever.
They don’t let me forget
Of the people I have hurt,
And of the people who have hurt me.
They whisper into my ear
All the terrible things happening in this world
They are relentless.
The only escape
Is sleep.
Sleep, my rescuer,
My white knight,
My salvation.  
But sleep never seems to come save me.
And I’m tired of waiting.
So, I sit here,
And I write this poem.
As a way to stall,
If only for a moment,
From this never ending night

because loving you
is like trying to stargaze
on a cloudy night

sometimes I don’t know
how I am to talk to you
and I’m filled with guilt

It’s a familiar sight, that is my ceiling,
When I wake in the night with a familiar feeling;
A sense of worry and a cloud of dread,
From the rat in my mind, scratching my head.

I do my best to ignore or pretend,
But sadly for me this rat’s my best friend,
He warns of a busy brain, with bad times ahead,
Caused by words unspoken and things unsaid.

He nags at joy, and cherishes sorrow-
And makes you fear the start of tomorrow.
The rat never lacks devotion,
And can turn drops of doubt into an ocean.

I hope you don’t know the scratch and the chew,
Of drifting through life, not knowing what to do-
With that gnawing rat that keeps persisting,
That you’re not living your life, but just existing.

I wish this rat wasn’t so well fed,
Cos when I see my friends he’s there in my stead.
They think that I’m angry, grumpy and mean;
But I wish they knew that I’m not what I seem.

It’s gone on so long that I’m starting to think;
That he’ll never stop and he’ll never blink.
I feel it always, in my skull where he’s sat;
The doubts in my mind, in the shape of a rat.

I don’t think it actually steamed of anything, just born with it. Though the more consciousness I gained, the stronger it became. Some types of people highlighted more of it. Some stream of threads sparked stronger insecurities. It’s really no one’s fault. It would prevent genuine feelings to come out or the ability to articulate it. It allows tremendously jealous, angst, wasting time. It gave permission not to permit actual life experience. Suffered thoughts, I emelish and I think I am completely severed from everyone. Leaving me unfilled and always lost in thought.

Never learnt or taught myself to sit back, oserve, that its okay in a humble way internalize reactions, hostile to life, everyone I love I seem to do wrong by, leave me alone, leave me lonely, two extremes, everyone I dislike, I give love, I want everything or nothing at all, rub my tummy than tell someone, waiting patiently to be catching me slipping.

Why I’m quitting. Recently, over the last few months, I’ve been peddling interest in others, a product that never improves, causes depression and gives false allusion, but there's money in it. I know it wasn’t good for me, but I couldn’t stop myself. Now, in saden times, I’m relieved. Advertising is based on thing, happiness. Happiness to the external, to which cannot be touched or owned, it can be seen though. Everyone is born without permission, it’s the same with dying. The subconscious is more likely just yearning for freedom without fear, worry, insecurity. Since creation, humanity has searched for deities. Or at least immortality here on earth.

If the environment, the peers, the family, job, whatever is fulfilling, dropping a bunch of rules on you, you’re there for them, stop asking for change, to meet halfway, trust me, reality is indifferent, one can only change themselves, it’s not on anything I just mentioned. In modern times where, hard work, originality, developing oneself isn’t valued. All my life, I hustled all night. Here is a small list flaws that I am unable to shake alone. Insecurity, clingy, desperation for genuine people, praise for artistic works, a penchant to dramatics, impulse, reacting. And when I find someone who is generally who I am looking for, it’s heavily sparked, like my issues with addiction, I can’t stop until it’s burnt.

As for the those are, well, they’ll do anything to be by your side, cause they said anything to do so and often, it’s justifications for the wrong they do. People often tell one narrative, so you can avoid noticing who they are actually.

Change doesn’t come from the outside. No matter how much good one can contribute. No matter the glittering allure, the sentimental engagement, at times, it’s best to let go and forget, move or charge forward. The dead get tonnes of flowers cause of regret. But for those who know to some degree, might even encourage to take my own advice here. I have. There’s twinge in my heart and those who’ll end up saying something, more likely are unable to put in effort to change themselves. Afterall, it’s harder, harsher, more challenging, hellish than the daily pain they experience in their daily life. It’s shocking to how much one can change.

I didn't mess it up.
Hallelujah.