i never told you
you make me smile
beneath my blanket
when you're away
and make my phone ring

but after the conversation
i look for the black paint
and pass it over your words
can't tell why you sound so dim
in the court of my insecurities

i needed to understand
a side of me
you helped me explore
made me explode

your hand upon me
midnight hour
was a promise well spelt
a language self taught

i am one of your choices & i fear when you leave this roof...the world may steal your choices and leave me broken..tearing down my understanding of peace...

In your bones, in your muscles
twitching restlessness.
That foul pit in your stomach
(oh God I'm gonna puke)
and your lungs can't keep up
and your mind races
races
races
And the real kicker
is that there's nothing
that you can do.
*nothing.

You know... you've been wearing long sleeves a lot.

Is it bad that I crave your touch?
Is it bad that I love it when you tease me?
Is it bad that I love it when you turn me on?
Is it bad that I feel like I'm in love?
Is it bad that I'm willing to defy everything my family said just to be with you?

Is it bad if tomorrow or tonight I say I love you.....

Trying to expand yet I feel so diminished
Tomorrow's a new start yet I feel so finished.
Why say more, you already get the gist?
I'm onto something new, I don't need this ****.

Peel back
the layers of
insecurity
that's been
piled on
through-out
my twenty
years, and
wrap my
worried mind
with your
perfect
nothings.
-JRM

Chainsmoking cigarettes 

because I’m worried of 

getting lung cancer

I'm scared
I'm terrified
Petrified.
It's such a constant
           feeling
                        now

Never in my life
      have I felt
      consumed by a
      feeling

My heart beats
      with fear

Each thud
Each dud
       dread.

Quietly it goes
       pumping this
       pain throughout
       my bones.

I am scared.

I’m feeling nothingness.
No giddy happiness.
No depressing sadness.
No uncontrolled rage.
Nothing.
I’m not in love right now.
I love people, I know, but it doesn’t make
My heart pump, race.
I don’t fantasize my suicide anymore.
I don’t cry myself to sleep, either.

Maybe I don’t know what I am,
Because I’m on new grounds.
I’m used to sadness.
Comfortable in my depression…
So now,
I guess I’m just numb.
Maybe a bit confused as well.
I cry when I think of someone I use to have.
I want someone to hold on to,
Someone to hold on to me.
I laugh when something’s funny.
I get mad when someone aggravates me.
Overall though, I’m plain.
Blank.
Numb.
Nothing.
Overall,
**I am nothing.