Peel back
the layers of
insecurity
that's been
piled on
through-out
my twenty
years, and
wrap my
worried mind
with your
perfect
nothings.
-JRM

Chainsmoking cigarettes 

because I’m worried of 

getting lung cancer

I'm scared
I'm terrified
Petrified.
It's such a constant
           feeling
                        now

Never in my life
      have I felt
      consumed by a
      feeling

My heart beats
      with fear

Each thud
Each dud
       dread.

Quietly it goes
       pumping this
       pain throughout
       my bones.

I am scared.

I’m feeling nothingness.
No giddy happiness.
No depressing sadness.
No uncontrolled rage.
Nothing.
I’m not in love right now.
I love people, I know, but it doesn’t make
My heart pump, race.
I don’t fantasize my suicide anymore.
I don’t cry myself to sleep, either.

Maybe I don’t know what I am,
Because I’m on new grounds.
I’m used to sadness.
Comfortable in my depression…
So now,
I guess I’m just numb.
Maybe a bit confused as well.
I cry when I think of someone I use to have.
I want someone to hold on to,
Someone to hold on to me.
I laugh when something’s funny.
I get mad when someone aggravates me.
Overall though, I’m plain.
Blank.
Numb.
Nothing.
Overall,
**I am nothing.

An ocean away
Can't keep our problems at bay.
It felt surreal holding my ticket
Just ten days ago.
A simple piece of paper
With simple black, blue, yellow, and red ink
And simple words and letters.
But this piece of paper whisked us a world away.
Took us to an island
Filled with people I didn't know
Places I've never been to
Feelings I wasn't accustomed with.
It was supposed to be an eighteen day escape
A trip to relax and, well,
Let go.
& to some extent it still is.
I've still got time to go to the beach,
Feel the waves lap at my feet,
And be somewhere other than home.
But reality has to come back into view somehow
Some day
In some sort of way.
It just always has to.
& with reality comes problems.
& with problems come worry.
& with worry comes feelings and choices
That I don't want to contend with.

I thought writing would be easier.
But i find myself back spacing my words like i do my thoughts.
Putting them away for fear of others judgment.