Starved of care & love
Head's underwater & I struggle to stay above
Because I'm empty inside, so I cannot float
The taste of metal on my tongue
& Lead passes through my throat
Waking up from up from those inner desires
Life's a cruel mistress & she never tires

I want to wake with you each day,
until I rise no more,
with every sunrise shared,
more beautiful than the one before.

I want to wake with you each day,
so you’re the first thing that I see,
and hear the first sweet birdsong
with you laying right next to me.

I want to wake with you each day,
with our bodies intertwined,
so that you will know I’m yours,
and I, that you are mine.

Wake me
Drag me up through layers
Ascending through sleepy darkness like
A fish from the sea
Stir me gently
Rouse my bones
Bring me back to this life
Where I live alone

Find me
Lost somewhere among dreams
A catalyst of my misery
Force me to light
Open up my eyes
To the totality of the sun
Keep me from my sleep

I hate to wake up to eight ton weights,
A chest plate pressed up against my face,
Eyes dart and heart race like you've been chased,
For days in a gaze that shows your amazed,
Deemed this was depression detaining me,
Deliberately dozing to escape memory,
But right off the bat it's a panic attack,
Maturity rewinds and minds all off track,
Rational depersonalization,
Constant nauseous dizzying rotation,
Locate lower lacerations that bled,
Flop to the floor and felicitations, you're dead.

When yes is a gift
wrapped in love wrapped in
reason wrapped
in daydream wrapped in
self doubt wrapped
in pain wrapped in    
silence—
it is likely no, wrapped
in bitterness

When no is a gift
wrapped in love wrapped in
insight wrapped    
in waking wrapped in
bloom wrapped
in shelter wrapped in
truth spoken—
it is yes,
unwrapped

Sleeping is a contract
I keep signing
Waking is a contract
I keep breaking
I just want what
Kumbhakarna had
nidravatvam
six months isn't much
so I can sleep this
sickness away.

I had a dream last night.
You came up to me
and brushed my hair behind me ear
and you whispered something.
Something.

It was quiet as a summer breeze,
warm and slow and gentle,
but I couldn’t hear it quite properly.
“Can you say that again?”
So you did it all again.
You brushed my hair away from my ear
and leaned in
and whispered,
“I love you.”
I blushed red;
my lips stretched to smile.

You left a kiss on my cheek
before you drew away.
Your hand still in my hair,
your kiss still lingered on my cheek,
and on my cheek was the blush still painted.
I stumbled with my words-
they fell straight from my mouth
like raindrops-
“I love you too.”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.

My pillow warm with light dampness
Rejects my head with suddenness,
Last night welcoming in comfort,
At dawn sends me away in hurt.

How shall I start this weary day?
What do faint flickers of dreams say?
Last night I slunk into blackness,
The dawn hurls me into madness.

The frightened embrace of a ghost,
All I have of my lonely host.
Last night I put the light to sleep,
At dawn held by darkness I keep.

Woke to disjointed consciousness,
And left behind my peacefulness,
Last night I plotted my escape.
The dawn of life has taken shape.