When I wait for her, I wait patiently. I sit close to her eyes so my sight can be seen visibly. I don't beg for her attention but I try to engage in it.

It's her actions and movements that scare me the most when I'm caught on the unknown side of a river bank. I know her well enough to anticipate her every move but for some reason I'm nervous. I've kept my eye on her before but never like this.

Where she walks I follow, I gaze into the desert as if I've known this place all my life but this is our first acquaintance.

There's a time bomb strapped to her and I'm worried that she will take my heart to. I just need to see her justify herself, so that when I tell her we can no longer be together, she understands why.

Its a bolt action M16 pressed against my cheek. My sights are fixated upon a young afghan woman. She is thought to be a local terrorist.

We broke up.

i'm  sorry you fell in love with a void
a pit of desperation
and anxious tendencies
that you'll never get all the answers
and probably be left with a broken heart
but that's all i'm good for

And with you gone too,
I think I am officially
Unlovable.

i love you
i love you
i love you
it feels like i'm screaming into a void
why won't you say it back?
never mind
i get it
i don't love me either

Why am I unlovable
Why is the pain unstoppable
Where are the arms to hold me at night
Are the scars on my soul such a fright
That no one will ever hold me tight
With no love I'm withering
Life is so unforgiving
I just want someone to care
To simply stroke my hair
To tell me they're glad I'm here
To whisper in my ear
I'll always be near
To look inside my soul
And see past the scars it holds
Will love ever make this heart beat again
Would that be such a sin
Or instead of flesh and bone
Will I simply turn to stone

You are difficult to love. Not only because I am not good at loving but also because you are quite unlovable.

I wonder if she knows she's losing me,
My best friend reads my messages and forgets to reply,
Just as I scream out 'I want to die'
And I wonder if she knows how close she is to losing me.

I swallowed a box full of pills,
Swished a glass of whiskey in my mouth.
Still I haven't been allowed my easy out.
Every message I send feels like rocks in the pockets of the drowning,
I only sink ever deeper into this dark.
If I felt joy maybe I could smile at her jokes, her attempts at distraction,
But all I feel is this weight in my chest,
The weight of a heart that can never rest.

She tries to remind me of God,
of the love I should let surround me,
But I am incapable of comprehending an ethereal kind if love when even human affection remains a mystery to me.
How can I feel His love when I don't even feel worthy of human love,
When I reject the love of creatures that are here and palpable to me?

I wonder if she knows she's losing me.  
Can she see how hard I'm trying to let go of the dark parts?
Can I still have a best friend if I have no soul or heart?
And I wonder if she can tell that she has already lost me.