Empty
Eyes wide open, but refuse to see.
Why not a smile?
In it I can taste the bile.
Why not tears?
Or saying cheers?
You would watch me. Make sure I'm safe and sound.
But my eyes are hollow underground.
The surface shows what I decide
But underneath, I am me, hollow. But I have already lied.
Can you take back something you aren't truly sorry for?
Or will those same demons come back, begging for more?
No. DEMANDING for it
And I just watch, while I idly sit.
I always thought myself a fighter.
But you can't burn a match without a lighter.
Here I am in the crowd
Watching from the upside down.
Feeling a presence but how to communicate
Or by the time I say something, will it be too late?
Just a hollow look, portraying a hollow soul.
If no one wants me to follow them, perhaps I won't fall down a rabbit hole.
I'd rather be seen as empty and hollow
Than be used and abused by those I know.
I may be empty to the world
But am I truly empty to me?

of tearful air
the sky is on this very day
of tearful air
drops being shed in an unhappy fair
the saddest mood there to display
as if nature had turned gray
of tearful air

I don't remember
Having an answer
For this buried
Putrid in me
Grey that I feel

I don't believe
In what's special
About me my
Melancholic attention to
All I disagree
Exists, furrowed relationships
Between cells in
My mind, exist

If I move
Towards what I'm
Afraid of, I
Can forget it's
My guiding star
And smell flowers
And talk conversations
But all I
Work for is
Still hopeless. Word.

Everything is gray
 Nothing has color anymore
Nothing makes me happy
 I can't be happy anymore
So many thing used to make me happy
 Now those things have no meaning
I'm sick of this colorless cloud I live on
 But there is no way off
If I take a step off the cloud I will fall to my inevitable death
 I will eventually die sooner then later
Right now I think it will be sooner
 I'm tired
Mentally I'm exhausted
 I want it to end....

i just wanted to make you happy
but you made me so unhappy
and i think that is what actually made you happy

i accepted the apology i never got
the one that was instead replaced by a car door slamming
or maybe it was glass shattering
or the drone of an unanswered cell phone
i cant  really remember
i dont miss your bladed fingertips and how they traced new blood into the scars on my skin
i dont miss how you dodged bullets like hanging questions  - however that saying goes
its true how they say hind sight is 20/20
clarity only comes after the storm has long been passed
ive never been one to long for the rain to fall across my chest because my heart stopped beating the day after the fields flooded
and for the longest time, i would pass your street and imagine myself drowning in puddles and hoping that you were the one to find me face down

i used to think death would be the best payback
that unsaid words would echo in your ears as you tried to fall asleep
but now i take pride in the life that I'm living

the one that no longer lists you as a character

youre not even a footnote

you can question why im calling you out in one of my poems, but youre the one that told me to follow my dreams even if it hurts people.

so if youre reading this or youre out there somewhere waiting for me to drag myself through the mud to find you: *******.

i found myself and thats more important than someone who sits on the sidelines and calls himself a member of the team

Have fun playing with - I mean by yourself.