i think i'm having a mid-life crisis.
like, i feel like when i look at myself i don't look like myself.
but i been looking at the same face for forever,
give or take the amount of eyeliner i got on.
when i was seven i had a mental breakdown
and when i was fourteen i tried to end it all.
now twenty-one is coming soon (too soon, not soon enough)
and i just feel like i feel nothing.
does this mean i'm gonna die in my early forties?
or tomorrow?
i look in the mirror and my face isn't my face,
my thighs aren't my thighs
but i feel my cheeks and it seems right.
there's gotta be a name for this in-between **** that's making me lose my mind,
lose myself,
lose my grasp on reality and
is this supposed to be happening?
my mama tells me all the time that i'm more normal than i think
but i think i feel like i'm dying and
i don't think everyone is feeling like that right now.
god i just feel like an ocean
i feel like i'm touching something, holding onto something,
but in the middle i'm huge and dark and full of everything and nobody gets me but everybody is on my surface.
when i was little i said "i feel like i won't ever be a cliche"
and here i am

A jolt
A thought
A shudder
You feel all alone
Only one in the world
No one is there
No person is there around you
For you
When you are being surrounded
With smiles
But there is no one
Is the loneliest feeling in the world.

You somehow capture me in my essence,
revealing a beauty so profound
that I can't quite believe what I see
before me now. There is a sky above us;
filthy, full of words and phrases
which are unable to be formed
when I see you, walking, looking off
into the world with narrowed eyes
and the ignorance of how my eyes change
when I see you. Your face removes any analytics
which before dominated my mind and instead,
I stand dumb before you. I am unable to recall
your face for all of the power
it holds over me. I find myself
standing on the edge of us, ready to jump,
because I know that I will be able to fly
if you stand on the edge next to me.
Despite the despondency within me, I grow
stronger every time I see your deepening green
flitting across my eyes in the night,
every time we share a short second of eye contact.

is to feel the sea around your feet
and listen to the waves crash
they bubble and splash
and ask: “how many merfolk were unfortunate to have their hearts broken
for there are so much foam in the sea?”

is to sit at a quiet cafe
staring at people passing by
stirring my tea until it’s
sweet
like the life i’ll never have

is to witness the dawn
when the sun rises and the moon fades
the remnants of night face the new morning
the only time they could meet
but still not touch; only see

is to count the stars
and look up to the brightest above
and wonder:
does absence make the heart grow fonder,
or the distance grow further?

is to write all this down
with a name in my head
and a face in my heart
in search of a happy ending;
this is not.

Music is the only thing
that makes sense anymore
its the only way
I can describe to you
the darkest parts of me
the texture of broken glass
encasing my heart
its the only way
you can feel the wires wrapped
around my lungs
feel the fire burning through my veins
lately
its been the only way
I can feel anything at all

DISCLAIMER*
I wrote this a very long time ago and it wasn't originally a poem!  I just separated it into sections so it was in a more poem-like format.  I felt like it had emotion behind it, so I decided to post it.  Here's the "poem" -



It really hurts.  
It hurts like hell.  
It's hurts more than a thousand needles piercing my skin.  

It's a sinking feeling.  
A sinking feeling in my stomach, in my heart.  
I don't know what to believe anymore.  My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells another.  

I'm at war with myself, and I'm completely losing.  I've lost myself.  Utterly, and almost completely.  

I can smile, I can laugh.  But that's only when I forget.  And as soon as I remember, I'm knocked right back down again.  And no one seems to care.  No one cares enough to ask.  

Because, who cares about ME?  None of my friends, none of my family.  It's hell on Earth, because I know it's not their job to notice!  It's my job to tell them!  

But I'm petrified.  I'm scared I'll disappoint them.  Make them run away.  Make them think I'm weird.  Make them feel like I've gone crazy.  

Maybe that's it.  
Maybe I've gone completely crazy!
But who cares anymore?
Definitely not myself.

I swear I was doing okay.
I was doing so much better.
I made a lot of progress.
I was almost happy.

I don't know what happened,
But something went wrong
Everything came crashing down,
And now I find myself gasping for breath

And I wish I knew when it had happened
But I stared losing my mind again
I'm falling apart and losing pieces of myself
And I don't know if I can find the pieces and put them back together again.