struggles occur,
often I'll juggle many
in attempt to avoid them
and pretend I'm empty;
nothing can hurt me!
but eventually I mess up
and break the tossing.
One struggle breaks
right after the other,
and in the end
I usually feel much better.

I feel like I feel I should feel
                   all but this,
                                this uneasiness

I think like I think I should think
                     very much more,
                               much more clearly

I should even fake it
                or make it go away,
                                        Cannot.

For it is love who's making me uneasy.

Rippling pools, uneasy minds
These days, is all I've come to find

I don't go to sleep when I say I do.
But not because I'm not wanting to...
I'm always tired but the light's always on
the light inside of my mind never goes off.

I think of him often... More often than not
I wish I could hold him, and see him a lot.
And every night as I'm laying here...
I pretend he's beside me, even though he's there.

But when the hours pass by at this time of night
I do end up sleeping, even when I feel uneasy.

A lifelong amount of moments to a matter of seconds in my head, a few drops of liquid in my brain that could have erased all of the miserable feelings in my uneasy gut.

You used to always roll my sleeves up for me, but now my sweaters are in the closet and they're catching dust.
And now winter is coming, but I would have worn them for you in the summer.

written March 9, 2015

"There is war raging inside my mind
I'm not fine
Need someone to help pull out, analyze, and perceive these feelings I'm feeling
deep down inside
And I'm trying
To cope with my sporadic brain
Please don't avoid me today
and everyday
Because it feels as if you're slipping away
and I cant handle this pain
I know you love me, I can feel it deep inside
But the feeling of overwhelming anxiety is higher
Has me contemplating, thinking that you may be a liar
And I'm tired
of my mind playing these stupid on and off games
Not knowing which direction my mind is aimed
So I take every day, as it comes and goes
Trying to embrace those harsh and lonely "lows"
Hoping for the best, I'm not doing so well
I didn't know loving someone causes your world to turn to hell"

death was rest. rest is what she craved. but until she found peace. she would never find rest. she feared what death would bring but was dying to know. there was no pun in that though she smiled to herself thinking of it. for a moment she felt clever. a sigh left her lips. she had a long day. she needed to breathe. she wonder for the souls that found no peace if they ever got to breathe or have rest. or if they were forever stressed and upset. she tensed up, her bones seems to become one. she didn’t want that. she needed peace in herself to make it in such a life as this.

It's getting bad again.

Sing to me
The lost lullaby
Of forgotten dreams--

Maybe I can sleep this night away.

I was left alone in the
Quiet darkness.
Rather than peace,
I could have screamed and cried.
My feelings are too strong.


*At least I can feel.