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i hold a shaky palmful of death
noting that it is surprisingly light

i swallow reflexively
feeling shocks through my hand

i could just do it
i could just do it right now and it would all be over

why don't i do it

my body, fighting to survive
my brain, begging to die
and i am no man's land
Angela Rose Jan 2022
I shouldn’t be a mom

There’s no reason i should allow myself to bring children into this world
Children with the same problems that I have
How selfish of me to think and assume I deserve or am worthy of allowing myself to bring someone into this world with my issues?
The anxiety, the depression, the self deprecating thoughts

I wouldn’t be a good mom

How could I look into the eyes of my sons or daughters and know I brought them into this world to feel such immense pain?
What would give me the right to bring children into this hell full of negativity, poverty and intense drama?

I couldn’t be a good mom

How insanely asinine of me to think I should be projecting my problems into my spawn?
What part of my last twenty seven years of life would prompt me to believe I should feel the happiness and pride the mothers and fathers around me feel?


But what if all my honest, true, real self realization would make me the best mom ever?
Chloe Dec 2021
It is funny how things,
such as this,
are brought up
at the worst
possible moment.
I find it funny
yet it is nothing
to laugh about.

The way I hurt myself
more
when I am already hurting.
The way I always feel like
I need to settle the score.

I have loved everyone
who has ever hurt me.
You know how they say
it is always someone
you know.

Perhaps I never felt
anything about it
because I brought it on
myself.
I have self-inflicted wounds
from every man
I’ve slept beside.

Not you, my purest
love;
you are who I dreamed
about
as I was drowning in the mud
of my own mistakes.

Maybe I never talked about it
because mean mommy
liked him
and it would’ve been
an embarrassment
for everyone to see it
just the same as me.

And maybe I never
thought about it
out of fear
that it might
actually hurt me-
but that was always the point.

There was never a reason.
redacted Dec 2021
As a child I was told, after 10 years your skin regrows completely anew
The part that’s sad
Is it’s only been 2
I sit praying to nameless god
Please be true

Like the death card, skin shed
Only skeletal remains
Maybe if I scrub hard enough
new cells will come soon

You were a friend
To Whom had my trust
all thrown away

Because

You thought me breathing was enough
I want to hate you, but I have to let go. Maybe with this out here, you’ll quit plaguing my mind
jon Oct 2021
I saw his name
And everything around me changed

Blurred vision
Healed wounds becoming a fresh incision

I can’t breathe
But I couldn’t leave

Survival instincts
Thoughts of wishing I was extinct

Racing thoughts
I cannot connect the dots

Your name
Is my downfall rain

The kind I dread
Sometimes I can’t get out of bed

You see the outside and think I’m acting stupid
But let me sit you down and tell you what he did

Maybe but it depends
Maybe you’ll understand then.
My experience at work when I saw my abusers name.
just emma Oct 2021
Dear David,
First of all, I would like to start this letter with a big *******!
How dare you come into my home and take advantage of me.
How dare you get into my bed and touch me.
How dare you!?!
Oh, you were drunk?
No worries, that totally makes it okay.
I was probably dreaming like the time my best friends brother decided to hop into my bed when I was 11.

I hate you!
I hate how I can’t be mad at Terry for wanting to have a relationship with you because you’re his brother.
I hate how I can’t speak up about what you did because it most certainly will ruin your life.

But I want you to know, you will never be apart of my life again.
You will not be apart of mine and Terry’s life,
And best believe you will not be an uncle to our little girl.

I know all you did was touch my skin and kiss my lips,
But what if I wasn’t strong enough to push you off me, to tell you no?

I hate what you did.
I hate that I can never be beautiful again,
You took that piece with you.
You greedy, ******, *****!
How many other girls have you done this to?
Are still doing this to?
And aren’t able to tell you no…

I just hate how I can’t move on…
How can you?
Trigger warning
GQ James Jun 2021
The biggest struggle is when I'm all alone,
Loneliness is the biggest trigger,
When you spend so much time alone,
You become comfortable being by yourself,
But it become difficult to cope with.

The days are hard but the nights are unbearable,
Having someone to be by your side,
Makes everything much easier to cope with,
It won't fix anything but it'll make it easier,
I put too much on myself sometimes,
But that's just who I am can't help it.

Don't allow anyone to help me,
I help myself that's just the way I am,
We can't be anyone but ourselves,
Sometimes being ourselves can be hard,
Especially when we're so use to certain things.

Loneliness can be difficult at times,
But it's the best outlet sometimes,
You never know who you can trust,
One's actions aren't always as they appear to be,
Many have motives not always so true,
Be careful who you put your trust in.

Trust is as fatal as those we put our trust in,
I learned that at a young age,
Being let go over and over,
Being lied to over and over,
It can do damage more than you know.
Loneliness is my biggest trigger.
Claudius Aug 2018
He was mad again.
I could hear it in the way he answered the phone with a stern "Hello."
I didn't understand
"What did I do?"
"It's fine," he repeated over and over
Yet, it was not fine.
As the call ended and my cheeks continued to stain with dry tears just like every time before.
I never understood
It felt like I was drowning
Like I had dug my own emotional grave and didn't notice it was already seven feet deep.
yet, he said he loves me...

Is this love?

Yet, you don't tell me you love me
But, it feels like you love me more than he ever will
Yet I stayed with the other
Even though he makes me cry
Even though there are nights I cannot recall and bruises that seem to stay even after they have faded away
Maybe I told you that I loved him because it was easier than admitting I was scared
Maybe I told you I loved him because it was easier than asking for help
Maybe I told you I loved him because it was true...
...but deep down we both knew.
Something I never admitted. There are nights I wish I could forget and nights I really wish I could remember
Dani Apr 2021
Why do you haunt me ghost
Lingering, lurking, and watching your host
Around every joyful corner you linger
From every happy window you watch
And from ever peripheral shadow you lurk
You do not own me
Yet you dangle a key
As if to show my captivity
In chains I am bound
As memories fly around
Nightmare is a better name
For this haunting game
Day lit terrors before my eyes
Sunny momentarily, til you cover the skies
A dark lit confusion
Met with desperation

All the unspoken screams
Still rattle in my head
Fear fills what were once dreams
Panic now owns my bed
A bed I wish to share
With kindness and love
But you lay there and stare
J Mar 2021
I've had
****.
Not ***
Not love-making
Not consensually.
I've been
******.
*****.
abused.
taken advantage of.
whatever it is you want to call it
I've had it done.
I've been kissed
Fingered
choked
hit
spit on
spit in
I've been held,
hostage
with knives against my throat
guns to my head,
in my mouth
drugs down my throat
barely conscious I've been
******.
I've been in love
I've been heartbroken
I've been touched
consensually,
let me tell you about the consensually.
I've been kissed in the bathroom, lifting
her
up against the wall
laughing when our teeth brushed against
one another's
hands fumbling up a skirt
around a throat
fingers tangled in wavy hair.
I've been touched sitting in her lap
outside on a hot day
wearing her hoodie
around children
freshmen year.
I've been touched
multiple times
by him
in band rooms, away from prying eyes
secrets to be kept and wooed over
laying in a dress
during a concert event
head in the lap of my best friend
underwear brushed to the side
fingers thrusting in
and yes, this was consentually.
I've been touched
in the school hallways
every day after school or in between classes
tasted and tasted
he tasted me
I tasted myself.
And in the living room of our best friend's house
even though I told him no
I told him the safe word
he continued.
I say it was consensual because in the end,
I said I loved it.
Don't argue about it.
I wanted it.
and I've been touched
in her pool
heated ever so lovingly
LED lights danced us into the temptation
as did the alcohol on my part
with her lips against my chest
desperate to mark, yet not to show
i mean, hey, my step-dad's homophobic
though I'd love nothing more than to show who I belong to.
We switched a lot, but ultimately I landed in her lap
water licking up my sides,
sending chills to *******
goosebumps
and her fingers hesitating
not daring to touch.
"i'm going to need a yes."
finally.
Finally asked.
I nodded eagerly
and she treated me like a piano
perfect notes
though brief I know that I was
drenched in all ways
the chlorine water yes
and of course the obvious.
you see, we were going to do something that night
we had the chance to
I wanted to
she wanted to
In the end,
she took something for her headache
though it was a sort of
similar thing to Nyquil
We were going to.
But we laid in bed
and we molded against each other
and sailed asleep.
I've slept with one person.
Her
Sydney
My Muse.
But Still, A ******
am I
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