Liam Neeson movies,
Lop-sided smiles,
Dandelion fields,
Fake marriage proposals,
Grass-stained knees,
Ketchup lips.
TRIGGER WARNING
“I put my first boyfriend away,”
I say at parties
Because I am a dangerous girl.
I am better at Russian Roulette
Than I am at beer pong.
I have stared down the barrel of a loaded gun,
This blonde girl stared back at me.
She doesn’t look anything like me.
If I didn’t look anything like me
Maybe he wouldn’t be able to find me.
My mother makes me dye my hair back;
She tells me judges don’t trust bleached blondes.
She asks,
“How is it abusive if he never hit you?”
TRIGGER WARNING
Plastic tiaras and performance chefs.
“No one will love you like I do.”
TRIGGER WARNING
I sleep with a baseball bat under the bed,
Carry hot pink pepper spray in my purse like lipstick.
My friend Dolton tells me he can get me a gun.
TRIGGER WARNING
No one will love you.
TRIGGER WARNING
I do not know my own triggers;
They are the way a stranger walks down the street
Or the way that my lover's lips
Form around a word.
“I put my first boyfriend away,”
I say at parties
Because everything is a trigger;
There is no safety on my mouth.
I say it because I’m waiting for it
To stop feeling like a lie.
TRIGGER WARNING
I signed the papers.
TRIGGER WARNING
I called the hotlines.
TRIGGER WARNING
He sat in a jail cell.
TRIGGER WARNING
I sat in a stairwell,
Shaking with the recoil
Of everything that we had done to each other.
I walk to work even though I feel
Too small to be a babysitter today;
I need someone to look after me today,
To cut my apple slices for me,
To hold my hand crossing intersections;
Keep me away from knives
TRIGGER WARNING
And cars
TRIGGER WARNING
And men on the street
TRIGGER WARNING
Who look like knives and cars.
I don’t believe in lying to children
But when she asked me what was wrong
I still tell her the storybook version.
I tell her that once
A bad man broke into my house.
I wish I had also told her
That the bad men look like respectable young men,
TRIGGER WARNING
That the bad men will compliment your grandmother
On her cooking from across the table,
TRIGGER WARNING
That the bad men write love poems,
TRIGGER WARNING
That the bad men smile so wide
They will swallow you
And you will then convince yourself you asked him to.
"Stalkers can’t be convicted unless their victims prove they feared for their lives."
How do you prove fear?
How do you put months of hell breaths into words?
And will you please come with me?
And he will **** me!
TRIGGER WARNING
He will **** me!
TRIGGER WARNING
He will **** me!
TRIGGER WARNING
But I told you so on my gravestone,
Because you can’t ever say
"She didn’t scream loud enough
"Into a ziplock bag
"For the ladies and gentlemen
"Of the jury."
TRIGGER WARNING
Loaded questions,
TRIGGER WARNING
Filling every chamber of my heart
With ammunition,
TRIGGER WARNING
Always a weapon,
TRIGGER WARNING
Always an ultimatum,
TRIGGER WARNING
He shoots me,
Underage,
Underweight.
TRIGGER WARNING
Contorted in his favourite positions,
TRIGGER WARNING
Tells me he knows how to upload the pictures,
TRIGGER WARNING
Without leaving any fingerprints.
TRIGGER WARNING
Aim: loving someone,
TRIGGER WARNING
Handing them a map of your weak spots.
TRIGGER WARNING
Fire!
TRIGGER WARNING
Fire!
TRIGGER WARNING
Fire!
No warning shots.
My friend Dolton tells me he can get me a gun.
I tell him I have seen a gun go off,
Yet I cannot shake the habit
Of believing, I can stare down the barrel
And gently wrap my fingers
Around the trigger
Without pulling.

Trigger Warning

Ginger ale
Turkey, mustard, and mayonnaise sandwiches
Lopsided smiles
Blonde hair

Warning

I tore my family apart
I tell myself
I'm a dangerous girl
Because I'm better at Russian Roulette than 21 questions
I have stared down the barrel of a gun as the girl with brown hair stared back
She doesn't look anything like me
Maybe if I didn't look anything like me he won't be able to find me
I dye my hair red
It fades back to brown

Warning

"But how is it abuse if he never hit you?" they ask

Trigger
Trigger warning

WWE and PS4's

"No one will believe you"

Warning
I sleep with a baseball bat beside my bed and a gun in my closet, loaded

Warning
"No one will love you after they find out what you've done"

Warning

I do not know my own triggers
They are the way a stranger walks down the street
or the way my lover holds me

I tore my family apart
Because everything is a trigger
Because I'm waiting for it to stop sounding like a lie

Trigger

Because I talked to people about it

Trigger

He sat on his bed
Trigger
Until he didn't
Trigger

And I sat in my shower
with the water melting my skin away
because maybe if I sat there long enough his touch would go away
Trigger

I need someone to watch me today
to keep me away from knives
Trigger
and cars
Trigger
and men on the street who look
like knives
and cars

I don't like lying to people
but when they ask me what's wrong I still give them the less gruesome version where a bad man
hurt me

Warning

But sometimes I'd wish I'd told them that bad men can be your family
Trigger
That they can smile
Trigger
And laugh
Trigger
And swallow you whole
and you will convince yourself that
you
asked him to

Molesters

Trigger

can't be convicted

Trigger

unless the victim

Trigger

has enough evidence

but how do you give evidence when you're living in fear
Warning
that he
Trigger
will come after you
TRigger
AND HE WILL DO IT AGAIN
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
PAUSE...


continue

How do you give evidence
when it happened over a decade ago

How do you give evidence that he
Trigger
took your innocence
Trigger
and made it into a game of cat and mouse
his image always chasing me
every day
every night

Warning

That he will **** me
Trigger
He will **** me
HE WILL **** ME

PUT IT ON MY HEADSTONE SO THAT THEY CAN NEVER SAY THAT I DIDN'T SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

GIVE THE PEOPLE OF THE JURY ZIPLOC BAGGIES AND TISSUES
Loaded questions
warning
filling every vein in my body with hate as ammunition
Trigger warning
****
Trigger
Tells me he knows ******* my family
Trigger
and take us all with him
Trigger
FIRE
TRIGGER
FIRE
TRIGGER
FIRE

Trigger

No warning shots

I have seen guns go off in front of my eyes
but I still cannot shake the habit of looking down gun barrels
of believing that I am gentle enough
to touch
the Trigger
without pulling