Liam Neeson movies,
Lop-sided smiles,
Dandelion fields,
Fake marriage proposals,
Grass-stained knees,
Ketchup lips.
TRIGGER WARNING
“I put my first boyfriend away,”
I say at parties
Because I am a dangerous girl.
I am better at Russian Roulette
Than I am at beer pong.
I have stared down the barrel of a loaded gun,
This blonde girl stared back at me.
She doesn’t look anything like me.
If I didn’t look anything like me
Maybe he wouldn’t be able to find me.
My mother makes me dye my hair back;
She tells me judges don’t trust bleached blondes.
She asks,
“How is it abusive if he never hit you?”
TRIGGER WARNING
Plastic tiaras and performance chefs.
“No one will love you like I do.”
TRIGGER WARNING
I sleep with a baseball bat under the bed,
Carry hot pink pepper spray in my purse like lipstick.
My friend Dolton tells me he can get me a gun.
TRIGGER WARNING
No one will love you.
TRIGGER WARNING
I do not know my own triggers;
They are the way a stranger walks down the street
Or the way that my lover's lips
Form around a word.
“I put my first boyfriend away,”
I say at parties
Because everything is a trigger;
There is no safety on my mouth.
I say it because I’m waiting for it
To stop feeling like a lie.
TRIGGER WARNING
I signed the papers.
TRIGGER WARNING
I called the hotlines.
TRIGGER WARNING
He sat in a jail cell.
TRIGGER WARNING
I sat in a stairwell,
Shaking with the recoil
Of everything that we had done to each other.
I walk to work even though I feel
Too small to be a babysitter today;
I need someone to look after me today,
To cut my apple slices for me,
To hold my hand crossing intersections;
Keep me away from knives
TRIGGER WARNING
And cars
TRIGGER WARNING
And men on the street
TRIGGER WARNING
Who look like knives and cars.
I don’t believe in lying to children
But when she asked me what was wrong
I still tell her the storybook version.
I tell her that once
A bad man broke into my house.
I wish I had also told her
That the bad men look like respectable young men,
TRIGGER WARNING
That the bad men will compliment your grandmother
On her cooking from across the table,
TRIGGER WARNING
That the bad men write love poems,
TRIGGER WARNING
That the bad men smile so wide
They will swallow you
And you will then convince yourself you asked him to.
"Stalkers can’t be convicted unless their victims prove they feared for their lives."
How do you prove fear?
How do you put months of hell breaths into words?
And will you please come with me?
And he will **** me!
TRIGGER WARNING
He will **** me!
TRIGGER WARNING
He will **** me!
TRIGGER WARNING
But I told you so on my gravestone,
Because you can’t ever say
"She didn’t scream loud enough
"Into a ziplock bag
"For the ladies and gentlemen
"Of the jury."
TRIGGER WARNING
Loaded questions,
TRIGGER WARNING
Filling every chamber of my heart
With ammunition,
TRIGGER WARNING
Always a weapon,
TRIGGER WARNING
Always an ultimatum,
TRIGGER WARNING
He shoots me,
Underage,
Underweight.
TRIGGER WARNING
Contorted in his favourite positions,
TRIGGER WARNING
Tells me he knows how to upload the pictures,
TRIGGER WARNING
Without leaving any fingerprints.
TRIGGER WARNING
Aim: loving someone,
TRIGGER WARNING
Handing them a map of your weak spots.
TRIGGER WARNING
Fire!
TRIGGER WARNING
Fire!
TRIGGER WARNING
Fire!
No warning shots.
My friend Dolton tells me he can get me a gun.
I tell him I have seen a gun go off,
Yet I cannot shake the habit
Of believing, I can stare down the barrel
And gently wrap my fingers
Around the trigger
Without pulling.

Trigger Warning

Ginger ale
Turkey, mustard, and mayonnaise sandwiches
Lopsided smiles
Blonde hair

Warning

I tore my family apart
I tell myself
I'm a dangerous girl
Because I'm better at Russian Roulette than 21 questions
I have stared down the barrel of a gun as the girl with brown hair stared back
She doesn't look anything like me
Maybe if I didn't look anything like me he won't be able to find me
I dye my hair red
It fades back to brown

Warning

"But how is it abuse if he never hit you?" they ask

Trigger
Trigger warning

WWE and PS4's

"No one will believe you"

Warning
I sleep with a baseball bat beside my bed and a gun in my closet, loaded

Warning
"No one will love you after they find out what you've done"

Warning

I do not know my own triggers
They are the way a stranger walks down the street
or the way my lover holds me

I tore my family apart
Because everything is a trigger
Because I'm waiting for it to stop sounding like a lie

Trigger

Because I talked to people about it

Trigger

He sat on his bed
Trigger
Until he didn't
Trigger

And I sat in my shower
with the water melting my skin away
because maybe if I sat there long enough his touch would go away
Trigger

I need someone to watch me today
to keep me away from knives
Trigger
and cars
Trigger
and men on the street who look
like knives
and cars

I don't like lying to people
but when they ask me what's wrong I still give them the less gruesome version where a bad man
hurt me

Warning

But sometimes I'd wish I'd told them that bad men can be your family
Trigger
That they can smile
Trigger
And laugh
Trigger
And swallow you whole
and you will convince yourself that
you
asked him to

Molesters

Trigger

can't be convicted

Trigger

unless the victim

Trigger

has enough evidence

but how do you give evidence when you're living in fear
Warning
that he
Trigger
will come after you
TRigger
AND HE WILL DO IT AGAIN
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
PAUSE...


continue

How do you give evidence
when it happened over a decade ago

How do you give evidence that he
Trigger
took your innocence
Trigger
and made it into a game of cat and mouse
his image always chasing me
every day
every night

Warning

That he will **** me
Trigger
He will **** me
HE WILL **** ME

PUT IT ON MY HEADSTONE SO THAT THEY CAN NEVER SAY THAT I DIDN'T SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

GIVE THE PEOPLE OF THE JURY ZIPLOC BAGGIES AND TISSUES
Loaded questions
warning
filling every vein in my body with hate as ammunition
Trigger warning
****
Trigger
Tells me he knows ******* my family
Trigger
and take us all with him
Trigger
FIRE
TRIGGER
FIRE
TRIGGER
FIRE

Trigger

No warning shots

I have seen guns go off in front of my eyes
but I still cannot shake the habit of looking down gun barrels
of believing that I am gentle enough
to touch
the Trigger
without pulling

"Why are you afraid?"
That's what they always say.
It's always in sequence every day.

They ask me what's wrong.
They ask me how long.
Tell me to bottle it and just be strong.

Don't pull my trigger, trigger, trigger.
I'm falling apart into a million sparks.
Don't pull my trigger, trigger, trigger.
When the fear sounds alarm, I fall into the dark.

I have always prayed,
But the fear always stays.
Even with all the times I've tried to change.

They poke and they prong,
We'll never get along.
I guess I'll just go and write another song.

Don't pull my trigger, trigger, trigger.
I'm falling apart into a million sparks.
Don't pull my trigger, trigger, trigger.
When the fear sounds alarm, I fall into the dark.

Needle in your arm,
Why are you alarmed?
It's not like a seizure can cause you harm.

Bugs in your hair,
Fall in love if you dare,
Seems like triggers are everywhere.

Don't pull my trigger, trigger, trigger.
I'm falling apart into a million sparks.
Don't pull my trigger, trigger, trigger.
When the fear sounds alarm, I fall into the dark.

This whole night, it was almost as if alarm bells were ringing in my head non-stop

Trigger after trigger after trigger

I tried everything I could to keep myself composed.

Deep ocean breathing. Box breathing. Subject changes.

Nothing worked.

I was at war with myself the whole time.

A battle between my mind and its triggers, and the voice inside my head yelling at me for being so selfish, and making this night about me and my triggers

I felt like I was clawing at my brain trying to escape the thoughts.

Praying I could just be like everyone else for one night.

Nothing stopped it.

Trigger, they just talked about an event and didn't invite me.

Trigger I'm not good enough

Trigger nobody is talking to me

Trigger why am I like this

Trigger get me out of my head

Trigger they noticed I'm quiet

Trigger the tears roll down my cheek

Trigger nobody would have noticed if I wasnt here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here tonight

Trigger I dont wanna be here at all.

Trigger

Trigger

Trigger

I tried to shut the alarms off but they rang all night and I'm exhausted.

Trigger.

C.m.

Trigger. Pull on my ankle like an anchor when I reach for something bigger. Trigger. Provide me warmth, then leave me for all of the winter. Last winter was a cold one. Trigger. Compare me to your old one. Like what has even yet to begun isn't already there and above a love you would love to love. Trigger. Tell me I'm not enough. But I called your bluff, and enough is enough. I won't come undone into empty space. Trigger. Disembody my grace. Waste time trying to save face, knowing this is not the place. Own your take and give me back my shadow I had perfectly placed. Trigger. You aimed it at me. Trigger. They came exactly...how I would never approach, yet they say I am their only hope. Trigger. there's things you should know that don't go down the throat easier than swallowing pride. And you'd rather live less alive, than to be quiet in the night making sure your mind is right. Trigger. Or how that might, just send you to the sky, and you might survive a high you've pinned down your whole life. Trigger. Let it ignite. Trigger. I could be wrong. Trigger. I could be right. And sometimes it feels like, they deem me wrong before my mistakes. Trigger. So I ask, what does it take, to not break, before day breaks. But before I could finish, trigger...pulled. Echoes break. Trigger...pulled. Death to the ego that tried to save its face. Trigger...pulled. Death to the disembodied grace. Trigger...pulled. Aimed at anything severing from the misplaced. Trigger...pulled. The insane pointing fingers at the sane. Trigger pulled. I remain.

Trigger warning: **** scene, trigger warning: domestic violence, trigger warning: strong language, trigger warning: mature themes, trigger warning: grilled cheese sandwiches, trigger warning: big gray trucks, trigger warning: turning left at intersections, trigger warning: bad day, trigger warning: good day, trigger warning: barbecues, trigger warning: ****** movies from the 80’s, trigger warning: the hallways of my high school, trigger warning: my bedroom, trigger warning: my sheets, trigger warning: my hands. They teach you what to do 24 hours after being ***** but not 24 months after when you are still bleeding. They tell you about possible ‘triggers’ but they don’t tell you what to do when it’s your mother’s laugh or your father’s stubble or the way a stranger says your name. There is no pamphlet for this, no 12-step program, no hotline that I can call. I was cut open to the very core and I don’t know if it’s just that nobody sees it anymore or if they’re just used to the mess by now. They took down the caution tape way before I was ready and now I don’t know how to handle any of this. I am too small, my wings were broken and everybody expects me to be able to fly again but I’m starting to believe that he was right when he said I didn’t deserve to fly. My mother’s extra-strength Bounty paper towels and extra-strength love are not enough to stop my guts from spilling out all over the kitchen floor. I’m walking around with a bullet lodged half-way into my skull, my small intestines stretch all the way to my childhood home, I’m dropping pieces of my liver and my kidney and my lungs like a trail of crumbs for the vultures to follow. Every night I dream of my eyes being pecked out by crows and every morning I wake up disappointed that I can still see the mess that he made of me. My best friend is the skeleton in the closet of our love, we take nightly trips down memory lane with our arms linked and our bellies full of laughter (and hatred). I’m not sure how to come back from this. I’ve run out of vices and I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this game of hide and seek. Death is getting impatient; he’s been standing at my door for weeks and I am tired, so tired, and he looks tired, and I think it’s time I invited Him in. You can’t hold grudges forever and my grandma always told me that everyone deserves compassion, even Death.

Trigger warning made me smile,
all the bones in my body craved to show,
all the blood in my veins wished to run free.
And then I found myself awake in the middle of the night
wishing for the impossible.

Trigger warning romanticized the struggling,
my blood was red like love,
my hunger made me perfect,
throwing up was liberating,
punching myself were like hugging,
bruises shaped hearts up and down my arms.

Trigger warning reserved a hospital room just for me,
left me unconscious for three days.
Trigger warning taught me how to swallow pills,
how not to eat a thing,
how to keep smiling while bleeding,
where to lay down the blade,
when to lie to my therapist.

Trigger warning makes me cry,
trigger warning leaves me shivering on the bathroom floor,
trigger warning makes my stomach sick,
trigger warning breaks my bones,
trigger warning makes my wrists bleed.

Many people say that love is handing someone else a gun
and point it to your head hopping that they won't pull the trigger.
I didn't gave away my gun,
and now I know I should have,
it would be less dangerous,
because now I spend the nights pointing to my head
hopping that someday I'd have the guts to pull the trigger.

Trigger warning broke my mom's heart,
trigger warning left my body empty and bruised,
trigger warning cut my wings and tied my feet.
Trigger warning made me want to die.

By: Cedric McClester

Any ***** can shoot a *****
What’s it take to pull a trigger
How much pressure do ya figure
Is required to dead a *****
Problem is you’re killin you
When you pull the trigger to
Shoot someone who looks like you
But ain’t that what you ****** do

A ***** lookin for respect
Could pull out a Nine or Tec
At a time you least expect
And you might have to hit the deck
Cuz when the bullets start to fly
Those who don’t just might die
And you don’t wanna go - okay
Like ****** do around the way – cuz

Any ***** can shoot a *****
What’s it take to pull a trigger
How much pressure do ya figure
Is required to dead a *****
Problem is you’re killin you
When you pull the trigger to
Shoot someone who looks like you
But ain’t that what you ****** do

Keep one eye open when you sleep
Cuz in the hood life is cheap
So watch the company you keep
Your main man might be a creep
Don’t let ‘em get the drop on you
The way some ****** like to do
They’ll roll up on you with a crew
And run a clip off into you

Any ***** can shoot a *****
What’s it take to pull a trigger
How much pressure do ya figure
Is required to dead a *****
Problem is you’re killin you
When you pull the trigger to
Shoot someone who looks like you
But ain’t that what you ****** do

****** don’t respect themselves
Never mind someone else
That’s why they keep their gats and shells
And you know what that often spells
Cuz ****** are up to no good
There’s gun smoke in the neighborhood
And it’s high time they realize
That it’s themselve who they despise – cuz

Any ***** can shoot a *****
What’s it take to pull a trigger
How much pressure do ya figure
Is required to dead a *****
Problem is you’re killin you
When you pull the trigger to
Shoot someone who looks like you
But ain’t that what you ****** do

Did you ever stop to think
****** could become extinct
In the time it takes to blink
Like some kind of missin link
Unless we suddenly stop killin
The prophesy will keep fulfillin
Even though the thought is chillin
Long as the blood just keep on spillin – cuz

Any ***** can shoot a *****
What’s it take to pull a trigger
How much pressure do ya figure
Is required to dead a *****
Problem is you’re killin you
When you pull the trigger to
Shoot someone who looks like you
But ain’t that what you ****** do

Although it’s often said in play
And despite what some folks say
The use of ***** ain’t okay
Though you might hear it everyday
My usage of it in this joint
Is for effect to prove a point
It’s not to glorify the term
But will you ****** ever learn – that

Any ***** can shoot a *****
What’s it take to pull a trigger
How much pressure do ya figure
Is required to dead a *****
Problem is you’re killin you
When you pull the trigger to
Shoot someone who looks like you
But ain’t that what you ****** do

Although it’s often said in play
And despite what some folks say
The use of ***** ain’t okay
Though you might hear it everyday
My usage of it in this joint
Is for effect to prove a point
It’s not to glorify the term
But will you ****** ever learn



(c) Copyright 2015.  Cedric McClester.  All rights reserved.

It's 2:35 am and the notebook is on tv
trigger warning
right after I got a haircut I like
my mother takes me to the grave
of my dog that died just three days ago..
trigger warning
my dad talks down to me
trigger warning
my brother talks down to me
trigger warning
I make my mom mad
trigger warning
I cry at an overly romantic scene on a tv show
trigger warning
I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE ******* TRIGGERS.
so pull it, pull the ******* trigger
and watch me spiral the **** out of control
until the tears streaming down my face
seep into the lungs I use to try and breathe-
but see the anxiety is weighing down on my chest
like it wants to steal my lunch money-
pull the ******* trigger.
Go ahead television, mom, dad, brother, anyone
pull the ******* trigger-
and watch as my mind goes blank
twenty round shots straight at my hand
and then wonder why exactly I want to be dead.
trigger warning
No. These hands have held the gun too long
placed my fingers neatly on the trigger
ready to aim, and to fire
like I'm in some kind of action movie
"CUT!"
because i'm not a ******* extra
in some botched overly explosive action film-
I'm the ******* director of a best-selling
highly anticipated autobiography turned movie
that sells out every single theatre opening night!
I am in control of these words I hear
I am in control of these emotions
that I have spent my days trying to feel entitled to.
I will no longer hold close to the gun that triggers my downfall-
The NRA ain't got **** on me baby
because I'm packing thirty two rounds
of sure fire confidence and aiming right
at my own insecurities but I won't pull the trigger-
because I can't **** what makes me feel so alive
I can't **** these emotions I wish to diminish
but why would I want to?
Because I feel things more strongly and profusely than most
and I love harder than any ******* I have ever known
and I **** and I fight with more passion and more fury
than any Nicholas Sparks novel or Jason Statham movie-
******* try me!
Because these palms hold more grudges than hands
and this body feels more anxiety attacks than relief
so ******* try me-
because I am not my trigger warnings
nor will I ever be.