I was here but I was there
I was there but I was here
Here being a place in which I exist as a solid
There being a place in which I exist as a soul
A light in the darkness
A hole in the void
[There] is an unknown place, where only the dead or the unborn reside
Where every soul has an understanding about this place we call home and that place we call the universe
And from what I can tell about there, that place, the universe
is that this is all a test, a game, an experience for the soul
Why we must question our existence?
I don't know
But it's all part of the experience

There was a woman with an ecclesiastic body.
I found out I was just one member of its congregation.
She was a soothsayer when the lights were down,
When she proved she was a succubus -
But what the ****, I've never been a saint.
She put the screws to me.

She used to belong to another man.
Now she's putting me through my paces.
If I had paid attention to the signs,
I could have seen my fate before it happened.

There was this dude I knew who was hard pressed.
I thought I might could offer him a place to crash for awhile,
So he could get his **** together.
Apparently demons have an appetite for gutter ****.

They took a ride in my ride,
And didn't forget my checkbook.
They didn't neglect to clean my house
Of nearly everything inside.
It was just a reminder,
Cause it really ain't no surprise.

That there's a burning lake
And gnashing on flesh,
Yeah, it's nothing but any empty, cold black well.
It's a Godless place,
You're on your own.
There ain't no honor among thieves.
Remember this,
There are no friends in Hell.

There are accusations to bring me down,
It's like I'm already dead.
They throw down their gauntlets,
They make every pledge.
I don't trust a word they say.
They're liers and deceivers.
All they want is whatever they can get.

They prey on fools and their believers.
They'll prophesy, then pass you by
Unless you've got an edge,
The dusty demons, dryer than a dessert segde.

They took a ride in my ride,
And didn't forget my checkbook.
They didn't neglect to clean my house
Of nearly everything inside.
It's just a reminder, but it really ain't no surprise.

That there's a burning lake
And gnashing on flesh,
Yeah, it's nothing but any empty, cold black well.
It's a Godless place,
You're on your own.
There ain't no honor among thieves.
Remember this,
There are no friends in Hell.

She never failed to cause me woe.
But, I'm not an innocent soul.
I guess what goes around,
Comes back around.
When it's harvest time, they'll know,
They done ****** with the wrong one.
Everybody reaps what they sow.

They took a ride in my ride,
And didn't forget my checkbook.
They didn't neglect to clean my house
Of nearly everything inside.
It's just a reminder, but it really ain't no surprise.

That there's a burning lake
And gnashing on flesh,
Yeah, it's nothing but any empty, cold black well.
It's a Godless place,
You're on your own.
There ain't no honor among thieves.
Remember this,
There are no friends in Hell

There is no such thing as kindness here.
I'll save troubles for another day,
They only multiply.

The more I see, the more I know
That strumpets belong with urchins.
They never will know,
Until they are each other's paroxysm,
But even then, they won't care.

No good deed is without a price to pay.

They took a ride in my ride,
And didn't forget my checkbook.
They didn't neglect to clean my house
Of nearly everything inside.
It's just a reminder, but it really ain't no surprise.

That there's a burning lake
And gnashing on flesh,
Yeah, it's nothing but any empty, cold black well.
It's a Godless place,
You're on your own.
There ain't no honor among thieves.
Remember this,
There are no friends in Hell.

Driving without destination
Going for the sake of going
Existing between here and there
Where nothing is happening
Yet progress is being made
We’re still moving forward
Enjoying the journey
Capturing horizons.

Dear Younger Grace,

Things feel so suffocating to you, don't they? You don't quite feel it consciously, since it is so ingrained in your life. But those few moments you try to take a deep breath, you feel it. You know you're not breathing. You haven't in years, have you?

Well, years later, you can breathe, Grace. Maybe not always, but much more than you've ever felt before. And its beautiful. Its alive. Its all you ever wished breathing and living and belonging to feel. You finally have a home. It was hard, a lot of years of hard pain, but you made it. You're alive, and you're breathing.

I blamed the bipolar for all of it for a long time, you know? All of my pain and hiding and fear. What else could it have been? It always was me. It only could be my fault I was always alone. Why I thought I would always be alone, in the end.

You spent so much time feeling like the beatings of your heart were the footsteps of a monster. The way you were raised only enforced it. You existed in the world around you, but you never were apart of it. You were always locked away, as if watching from afar, never allowed a singular day as yourself out there. After all, whenever did a monster deserve to go outside?

The bipolar yes, was an interesting beast.It never helped the situation.  But the house you grew in told you that difficulty was something to hide, that it was ugly and needed to be put away. You were there to make others feel better, not you. You were their golden daughter. You were their legacy and future. People would only revile and hate you for the secrets in your head, so you had to be hidden. Weakness was impossible. You were to be stone. Ergo, the only friends who really knew you for most of your life were the silent words on your papers and the stone heart lying within your chest.

The people who raised you never wanted you. They wanted the girl they wanted you to be. That was an agent that tore you apart for years.

There it always was, in your head, this yearning to be normal and to not feel so outside. To feel like no one knew you. To feel like a human being and not this monster. But you never could free yourself in the place in which you grew, where after a short time they expected so much of you and every day you defied you felt more monstrous. The chasm between finding yourself and being what they wanted only left you monstrous, disappointing, and heartbroken. All you wanted was one single day to feel like a person. Like your own person. But it always felt like that day would never come. You were a monster; being free only hurt people.

Well, I'm here to say that's all wrong. You are not a monster, you are not ugly, and you deserve none of the ridicule you have given yourself. You were raised to believe that these emotions you were built to feel made you uncontrollable and toxic. But you are merely a woman, a human, trying to live a life they want.

You have a lot of scars, from others and yourself. You have lost many in the process. You may even lose those who raise you. But you are loved, you are strong, and you are important. And you are all of that while you are this so called monster you were convinced was in your head. You are enough as the person in your head, Grace. More than enough.

Things will be hard. They will never not be hard. But maybe it will help give you a small smile knowing that you won't just have one day out there. That foreign place where everyone else seems to live? That place you feel too unworthy and monstrous for? One day, you will live out there. And its so beautiful, Grace.

You love out there, and it is worth every ounce of torture you walked through. And what's crazier still? Out there doesn't think you're disappointing either.

Love,

A Free Grace

There's Naruto,
And there is Sasuke,
There Is Ronaldo,
And There Is Messi,
There Is Black,
And there Is White,
There Is Long,
And There Is Short,
There Is Satan,
So There Must Be God,
There is Beginning,
And So There Is The End,
But There Is One Thing Without His Opposite,
And That Is You.

Where is god. He isn't near.
If there were god, he wasn't here
I wasted time when I would pray
What kind of god lets us live this way
Evil minds, which have no souls
Pitch black hearts, full of holes
Where was this god, to stop the pain
If there ever is who was humane
I lost faith, a bit each day
When seeing humans act this way
Where was God to restore the order
No walls, no hate, no death, no border
God does not hear me,
he does not hear you
we must believe
It's what we were taught to do
if there is a god, he must be mad
But there isn't a god, so don't be sad