O search me, inside and out then heal me.
I beg You. Search me to heal me.
Save me. Hold me. Don’t let go.
Take a good look at the place that I dwell,
See how my plight is being engulfed with great floods,
the waters swirling in even unto my soul;
Sinking into the violent sinkhole where nothing but doom awaits,
drifting away from the lighthouse, rock house.
Storm-proofed. Or so I thought.
For it seemed unable to withstand continuous, raging storms
Could it be that it was made from sand after all?
I ponder to know; but how could I know?
I have become foolish, as though, I know You not;
I have forgotten Your face, longing, but I see You not.
my heart is dull for my loyalties are wrong;
I’ve forgotten to eat daily bread, Your Spirit groans.
My throat is dry and parched,
My eyes shed streams of tear, all too harsh
They say, “Ask and you shall receive”
But I’ve been asking, searching, slamming the windows of Heaven
Yet it’s as if I'm still ever more drowning in depression.
Oppression.
Same old transgressions.
Wrestling with wrong questions;
Suffering in suffocating silence
with emptiness and nothingness as loyal companions,
Scarcely breathing in an ocean poisoned with my own thoughts
It taints my heart with unbearable numbness
Holy. Crippling. Sadness.
My life is in need of the Anchor,
the pseudo-anchors I’ve had are now shaken from their footings
My vision fails as I wait for Your deliverance and saving.
“Hear from Heaven!”, sweet, Lord, this is my 900th prayer!
I’ve begged You.
Still, I am begging You.
I am exhausted, too desensitized, traumatized to swim.
Come again to my rescue, teach me once more to
tread, stay afloat, or stroke. Better yet
pull me back to the safety of Your shore,
for I still believe that in this life and to the next, there is more
But only in Your presence will I see, what’s truly in store.
While life may now appear desperate,
nonetheless, I wait upon You.
I cannot afford not to.
For who is a pardoning God like You?
Or who is Mighty enough to save but You?
Who understands a thousand sorrows
and guarantees unending joy tomorrow?
Who can breathe life to the dead and
render death stingless?
I know no one — not even one — but You.
Your sovereignty over the storms that grieve me
will sustain me in my tears,
it is Your grace at work even through my shallow fears
And it’s not that You have not heard my cries. You have.
You have answered a thousand times.
Just that it’s not how I pictured it most of the time.
But in the midst of grace denied, I got daily grace supplied.
I know now that You truly know best
When, where, and how to apportion your infinite grace
to me and all the rest —
So, Dear Father, grant me the grace me to trust.
Satisfy me day and night with Your unfailing love,
as you have sworn to my fathers from the days of old
Cast my sins into the depths of the sea and
let these sufferings work for me,
Teach me to expect no less;
rather pursue faith in the midst of distress
for You are using it to shape me into Your image.
I am appealing to Your zeal for Your own name.
Quietly, I wait for the timing consistent with Your good pleasure
Praying without ceasing, I will wait ’til You finally come for my
eternal pleasure and saving, endless safe-keeping.

memories, when i was eight years old
neighbourhood filled with rich people
except us, parking lots packed with lambos
on tv, they showed rambo, my fatherfigure

cause i ain't never had one, he abandoned
the family early and found himself a new one
never did he show remorse, faith was a strange word
and when i visited my father, i felt strange there

like this strange word, believe me friend, i did fight
banging innerly, bloodpressure 180, kids gangs and spray cans
until i caught a psychosis, without even realizing
songs of my shadows, and i grew myself a plumage, like birds

when i flew out of the window, and didn't notice the danger
third floor, big shock, well ---
but not one broken bone, yeah: tizzop's angel had spoken;
and i fell in love with a girl, summer holiday *** and some ****

soon, i was looking for god, and prayed without hands, in my head,
in my dreams and the soul, i was spraying on walls, didn't know boundaries
so the cuffs were clicking, so my luck had to line up

and i scratched lyrics into the walls of this dump they call joint
finally became a tree with branches, wrote new raps every night
working out like crazy, punched my hands into walls
just like oldboy, then i became steel, endlessly tough

as my lucky number, this eight
tizzops became more popular, but never an other

I know now why you don't drink alcohol -

can't stand the competition at all:

You are a shot of spirits distilled,

the highest percentage, ethanol filled.


I may have had a brandy shot,

on an empty stomach, that's a lot.

I promised myself, never again,

but I saw you, unexpected, there and then.

I'm weak, I'm sorry, never good enough,

the truth, it hurts, it's course and rough.


And the taste of your indifference burns,

more than the brandy; my heart never learns.

I hate this, and I hate myself most of all,

I want to move on, not gravel and crawl.

To sleep, to forget, to finally rest,

not to think about what could have been best.

I carry the torch of this misery.
The bearer of all secrets that kept us terminally sick.
Held hostage by brokenness
Hostess to alcoholism, cynicism, paranoid delusions
A pillar upon which a false empire was built?
Was the straw that broke the camel's back composed of grass or guilt?

A person who feels like home can be dangerous when you carry the blame of destroying the one you grew in.

Emerged from my isolation to walk under the stars.
$11.11 was the total for my holiday purchase of alcohol and cigarettes
I wished upon a scar that I would one day grow to be whole.
I listened to your playlist on the cold walk home.

These metaphors for living pure are cheesy
All existence is chaos
Anthems of anger, ballads for those who have lost
Holding fading souls and cradling hearts like hammocks for the homeless

Slowly suffocating in ink
Thinking this will somehow make
living life any easier

Thinking and thinking
And eating and eating
Cake at 2 o’clock in the morning
Trying to forget

Cloud over my head
Pouring out blood,
sweat and tears
from the days of
Helping you survive

Head held up high
in desperation
Praying and praying
that I don’t drown

Slowly suffocating
And restricting any other love
for my mind, body and soul
Putting you first was the
Utmost worse decision I have
ever made in my life.

Because years later
I’m still drowning in my own sorrows
from back in those days
When I loved you.

I never had an  option  
I let people do as they pleased,
acted as if nothing affects me
And it didn’t.
Nothing they could say could make me
Any sadder or depressed as I have been in the past.
This wasn’t the case for you.

After all this time of trying
so ******* hard to protect you
from the lies and abuse,
you do the same to me
when you know exactly how that felt.
It was draining you for months and months and months.

And then you go back to her
Saying that your friends again
“it wasn’t her fault, it was mine”
When will you understand that
repeating the phrase doesn’t make it  true?
You’re tangling yourself in a web

It should never have been my job
To make sure you survive
But without me you were suffocating
And I had no choice
Now that I’m gone, who will save you
We all know it won’t be yourself