a woman's entire existence
must be an oxymoron

"look the prettiest!"
don’t be vain.
"smile always!"
you're too naïve.
"stand tall!"
no, crouch down.
"we love a feisty girl!"
patience is a virtue.

"yes!"
no.
"Yes!"
n o .
"yes!!!"
NO.

we are a juxtaposition of
what we want,
and what is expected of us;
who we are,
and who we must be
to survive.

perfection is attained
and society satisfied
when a woman
turns herself
inside out
and
upside down.

after all,
don't you know -
opposites attract?

It's hard to believe that there's still hope.
Sometimes it's just easier to pretend there isn't and will yourself to cope.

I like to imagine how terrible my life is and say is it really worth my time anymore?
But on late summer nights, I always catch myself thinking about how joyous the times were before.

When will you give up? One voice says,
you’re so special to me, the other relents.

And suddenly,
how desperate am I to wash my sickly spirit with soap,
say I’m wholly sorry for throwing you off this dreaded boat.

but...
But!
I can’t seem to change no matter how hard I implore.
It seems like my whole life is just nothing more than a cheap set of decor.

so here am I,
spiraling.
Farther...
and farther,
into a deep dark pit that’s lit ablaze,
I can simply wonder if I'll have the strength to make it through its smoky maze.

I’m shaking, I’m breaking, I don’t know what to say,
I know I have faults, but you made me this way.
I grew you gardens, you smashed them to the ground,
Made me feel like I was horrible to be around.

You’d do anything for me, a knight at my heel,
But when I got comfortable, that’s when you got real.
Suit of armor discarded, no time to waste,
I must submit and forget freedom’s taste.

I can’t trust your kindness, it always feels fake,
Anxiety peaked, each smile feels like a mistake.
I tunneled out, broke away from your ground,
But you broke my mind, my thinking unsound.

If someone is kind, my heart starts to race,
Because kindness once ended with knuckles to my face.
Trust in this world is so hard to be found,
I’m trying to heal, but I’m being too loud.

Yet I don’t know any other way,
Than to scream my thoughts and even my pain.
It’s up and down, this chaos I’m feeling,
It’s bitterly exhausting—
But I guess that’s just healing.