The things in my mind are starting to break me down once again. And I do not know how much longer I can keep trying to fight them. Because every day that I try to fight then they keep getting stronger and I keep getting weaker. They are binding me to the wall, and breaking me apart. And I am tired of trying to break the chains that they have put on me. They are impossible to break, and they have always been. I don't even know why I ever tried to fight them. I don't know why I didn't give up a long time ago. That would be better than believing that they will break. It would have been better than to waste my strength to break something that is impossible to break. Because they are cutting off my circulation and it's getting really hard to move. Because they are cutting me every time I try to take them off. And I am losing blood and I feel so weak that I cannot even stand. I can barely even breathe. And now I am stuck on the floor crying and breaking into pieces. And the thing is there is no one that  can help me break free. Because once they do, I am a lost cause. The damage and the pain will be too much for me to bear. The blood that I have lost will be too much. And I don't even know if I could ever move on. Because the strength that I once had, the resilience I grew, is all gone. So if someone ever helped me they would have to watch me die anyways.And I cannot have them watch that. Can’t have them watch the light slowly fade and see the haunted look in my eyes as the things that happened slowly consume me. They would have to watch the hope leave my face and the look upon my red bloodshot eyes from all the nights of fighting. All the nights of being up so late trying to keep breathing and not to give up. And they would have me watch me take my last breath. And I have a feeling that they would blame themselves. Though I was a lost cause ever since I turned 12. I have long been defeated. I just had to hold on a little longer. I had to give you hope that you could break free. Because I know that you can. So I wish you luck and the life that I will never get to live. Have the smile that it took me a while to fake, have the breath that I no longer have, and see the bright future that I longed for. So live your life because it is precious. It is worth it, and I wish that I could have joined you and watched you grow and flourish. But it is far too late.
If only I could turn back time and not let the chains get a hold of me. Not let the pain trap me. But wishes are useless. As I have learned this time after time. I've wished on so many stars but to no avail. I cried out to God, but he didn't answer. I asked Death to take me, but he never came, I asked to be loved, but even love despised me. So I am sitting here in the empty cold silence as my mind gets quieter, until I can no longer hear the blood thumping in my ears. Until I can no longer see you, until my vision gets blurry and everything disappears for the last time.
But live on, move on, forget me. I was never meant to be here. I was never meant to be given the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, and the smile on my lips. Carry on as if you had never heard about me. As if I was never in your life. That is the only thing that I ask of you. Because we all know that is the best thing that you can do. It is the only thing you should do. Because the more you hold onto the what ifs, the worse off you'll be. Until you end up like me. Where the only way that you could ever be free is to let go and say goodbye. And that is a place that you never want to be at. Because the pain will eat you alive, the doubts and the wishing will make you so weak that you won't be able to fight back. And your mind can't think clearly anymore. Your mind will be so confused and blurry that you won't be able to find your way out. And then pretty soon there will be no way to get out.

Unyielding, raging pride and spite,
A death-grip on dignity,
The indomitable will
To get off his knees and
Punch anyone who touched him
Because it hurt to move.
I get it. I've felt that grief.
So I looked him in the eye and said;
You want to fight?
Fight the floor. Fight gravity.
Get up. I know you can
Because everyone cries,
Everyone ****** themselves,
Swears and sweats and
Lashes out in panic.
That's okay. I've seen worse.
Grab my hand, don't let go.
You're going to fight gravity
And you're going to win.

They told us tears were trouble,
a crack in the mask,
a plea for attention,
a sign we weren’t strong enough—
so we swallowed storms whole,
let the thunder shake inside our chests,
never daring to let it pour.

They taught girls that crying was dramatic,
a script rewritten to seem small,
a fault in the fabric of being “too much.”
They told boys it made them weak,
that strength was silence,
that pain should be caged behind quiet eyes.

But tears are not weakness.
They are rivers that carry the weight,
a language of the soul
when words fail to hold what aches.
They do not make you less,
only more—
more human, more real, more free.

So cry if you need to.
Let it fall like rain on thirsty ground,
and know—
I will never see you any differently.

The sweetest of confections
The dearest of affections
Sweet nothings to the ear
A  symphony you will never hear
Spindly drawings on the wrists
A horrid mural with a twist
Shattered wings that cannot fly
Turn around and say goodbye
Close your eyes and wish for love
From a supposed deity up above
Hope for tomorrow
Live for today
There is still so much left to say
Soft melodies in the harsh, humid air
But no one listens or seems to care
Take a breath and rest your head
Fall to the ground, an earthy bed
Taste the comfort and feel the warmth
Hear the music and go forth
Learn your lesson, seize the day
Forge The path
Pave the way.

I often find this desire to rinse my lungs
under the tap and wash out all this debris
comes from that same feeling
of sitting on this carpet floor
and staring out into the open fields
thinking just how remarkably vast these voids are,
resembling the oceans
I would cross if it meant you would understand
how much I believe in everything you can do
against all the sand and dust
through these voids with cleared lungs
I'd come back with boats carrying
little ways to tell you about all the things
I believe you'll get through

Look back and see
just how remarkably vast
are these oceans you have crossed

Not a beat is skipped
Or a doubt held within
These hearts are open
Our words are true
We hold no worries
Because we have each other
We fret at nothing
Because we know we will get through

My bones are young. They know this land. They were created, formed, and tendered in this land, but my blood. She is ancient. My blood speaks of my ancestors. She cries out from injustice. From pain and suffering. Her strength is unmeasured. My blood demands justice. Her power building, supported by my mothers and my grandmothers. We will not let you destroy us.

men of endurance
will often take the back seat -
they’re driven by poise.