You are so much to lose;
and for how I've gained
I'll accept all your burdens,
sorrow and pain;
but is it worth it for you?
with all my mistakes
I know they've caused you

melancholy and disdain.


It's mid-December,

but it feels like spring
such as the world, we are an
odd, complicated thing.


I just can't see you seeping
anything useful from me.
I am the raging forest fire that

mercilessly swept across the trees.


Lovely,

I don't mean to burn you,
I simply try to breathe


I can't help that it's within my nature
to destroy everything I meet


in time
with a heavy laden heart
my love

you'll fall to ashes at my feet.

you told me
to be selfish for once in my life
but I am
every second I don't ask
for the one thing I wish
more than anything
I could have
because asking for that
could mean losing you
and I am far too selfish
to risk that

I have found myself related to Gomer;
yes, I am also a hustler.
She had relationships with different men,
while I engaged myself with my own selfish plans.
She slept with them for so many nights,
while I slept with selfless thoughts, unaware it wasn't right.
She had correlation thinking it was alright,
while I linked myself with faulty motives and to it I delight.
We were ****** in our different ways.
Unrighteous deeds we both had praised.
It corrupted her mind and body,
while it made me a ******* spiritually.
In the midst of my unfaithfulness and cruelness,
I have found love and forgiveness.
For love came down and bought me with a price,
showed me the beautiful meaning of sacrifice.
The blood of the lamb cleansed and restored my impure soul.
An enough reason that makes me whole.

*-Steph Dionisio, December 02, 2015

I hope that I lurk in the corners of your mind, creeping out into the light when you're alone.
I hope that when you hear my name, your heart secretly hammers in your chest.
I hope that you stare at the back of my head when you think no one is looking.
I hope that when you imagine your future children, they have my eyes.
I hope that the sweetest part of your favorite song is reserved for thoughts of me.
I hope that you are most completely and utterly wrapped around my little finger.
Now aren't I selfish?
I hope you are too.

I don't have the heart to leave you.
So.
I'm going to make you hate me.
You say you love me with all your heart
Now.
You will forever hate me.
I know I am so very selfish.
But I'm doing this for me and you.
I have to be alone.
There is no other way.

Funny when your own head is a double edged blade, huh?

I seem to find the imperfection of days to be the most beautiful. The goofy moments, the little mistakes, the figuring things out, the unexpected.

But those same moments sometimes lead me to the nights where I lay down with a little chip on my heart and concede, "Not all days will be beautiful."

I'm happier. I'm stabler. I must concede things are better.

So why can I not concede that I will never be perfect?

These days I end like this sometimes hurt much more than the ones I give up on. These are the days I did all I could and just accept defeat at the end of the day, knowing every day isn't perfect.

Why am I such a starving perfectionist that even stability cannot sate me?

I hate myself when I do this. When I keep on pushing and pushing my own mental ability until I crack. If I push harder the stability of my mental wall will not strengthen. It will only crumble all the faster.

I am never satisfied. I am selfish. I am wrong. There's this darker side to this pure, bubbly girl I show the world. The monster side. The side that I can never be pleased with, and the side that makes sure I can never be pleased with anything else.

I know this is one imperfect day with one imperfect night. But its hard not to be scared that this is a descent into darkness once more. I'm so scared of the dark by now. Please don't make me go back for too long.

This day has been long and disappointing and imperfect. But I just wish I could hate it a little less.

yes, i hate you
i hate the way you
make me write poems
about the way your smile
curves up nicely
on the sides of your lips
i hate the way my pointless verses
describe the way your laugh
is my blissful melody
i hate how you keep me up at night
replaying memories of how
at one point
i was the center of your attention
i hate how you make me jealous
how you force me to see you happy
and it's not because of me
i hate how i'm selfish, in need,
close to insanity
i hate you
oh yes, i hate you

I ask you to never break my heart.
I ask you to never harm yourself.
I ask you to be careful and cautious.
I ask you to be wise about the people you choose to associate with.
I ask you not to destroy yourself.


*How selfish of me..

No I am not weak just because i told you I can't try
No I am not scared just because it seems like I want to ruin it before it even started
No I am not an idealistic just because it seems I wanted the right guy and you're not

Yes I am demanding because I know what I deserve
Yes I expect a lot from you because I gave you a **** chance to prove yourself
Yes I am straight forward when my feelings is involved

I know my worth
I dont want to settle for less
I want to try, but with so many doubts it's a no no

But please

I want you to be the person to erase all these thougths
I want you, your assurance and honesty.
I want you to be the person i deserve
I want you to do better