[shadow:]
dear God,
lately,
i’ve forgotten how to be a person.
my hands feel too heavy.
my skin, too loud.
i keep failing at something
no one ever taught me.

my thoughts unravel like cheap thread,
and i keep trying to knot them quietly—
so no one sees the mess.

some days,
i’m just too tired of carrying
a soul that doesn’t sit right inside me.
like it was made for someone else.

– V


---



[light:]
"you keep track of all my sorrows.
you have collected all my tears in your bottle."
— psalm 56:8

"the Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit."
— psalm 34:18

"so do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
— isaiah 41:10


---



[shadow:]
i feel like a ghost,
pretending to deserve
food,
touch,
rest.

i move through the world like background noise.
i hurt when i’m supposed to hope.
and i run when i should reach.

i shrink from love,
because part of me still believes
i have to earn being seen.

– V


---



[light:]
"you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life."
— isaiah 43:4

"come to me, all who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest."
— matthew 11:28

"even to your old age and gray hairs I am he;
I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
— isaiah 46:4


---



[shadow:]
i can’t tell anymore
if the numbness is mercy,
or judgment—
or maybe just You
not knowing what to do with me.

– V


---



[light:]
"before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.
before you were born, I set you apart."
— jeremiah 1:5


---



[shadow:]
i don’t want to perform
my way into being lovable.
i don’t want to be worshiped.
i want to be held.
softly. quietly. without audition.

‘i don’t feel like a person today.’
but i still talked to You
for an hour
on the highway.
and even when i ran out of words—
You stayed.

– V


---



[light:]
"for I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us
from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
— romans 8:38–39

"my grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness."
— 2 corinthians 12:9

[light whisper:]
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
— isaiah 43:2

lying on a road of cars,
empty beneath the sky of stars
I ask the God who made them,
He who said do not fear
Who am I?
Where go I?
Why am I here?

My God, oh my God
I feel so endlessly lost
My God, oh my God
Neither leave me nor forsake me
Whatever my cost

(A realization of otherness)
Frenzied shaking has taken my soul
I am crushed by the burning of gold-brined teeth
My unclean lips draw back in a grimace
As I rest my head against the beam of
Some ragged torture device and get
Splinters driven into my constricting scalp
Take a spike and drive it through my temple
Into this piece of time-worn timber which
Is saturated with skin flakes from my victims

(The reception of the sacrament)
Shall I not raise my filth-clotted hands up to
This presence which is like smoke and fills
My lungs with the kind of fear true power brings?
Let there be flesh to envelop my quaking body
Let it be caught between my teeth and drape
My skin in a new raiment of priesthood
Let there be hematic torrents rushing down
To clean out the wounds and make them imperishable
To be better drink from well-dug cisterns

The person you are trying to reach.
Is unavailable.

As in emotionally distant.
As in you can't get through.

There's no use in leaving.
A voice message.

As it wouldn't get through.
So you'll try again in an hour.

Please leave a message.
Please leave a message.
Please leave a message.

Yet there was never a message.
That was left just for you.

As you're left wondering.
What on earth to do.

Surely even god answers a prayer or two.

"hi there,
I'm here to confirm your death
this is your last chance- speak now or forever hold your peace!"
(writes ‘patient lying in bed with eyes closed. no signs of life. identity confirmed.')

"i'm just going to perform a few tests
can you hear me? (she shakes them, inflicts one final pain)
does this hurt?"
(writes 'no response to verbal cues or supraorbital pressure')

"i'm just going to have a listen in to your chest"
their heart is finally still
not broken, or aching
lungs empty,
forever breathless
(writes 'no heart or lung sounds on auscultation, no carotid pulse on palpation')

“i’m just going to shine a wee light into your eye)
she pries open their lids and looks for life,
finds the same every time
empty tunnels gazing above
eyes wide open, taking in what comes next
what horror? what wonder?
(writes 'pupils fixed and dilated')

“that’s us all done now, they’ll take you down to the morgue”
uttered to a body waxy and fixed
often warm
hands held by so many
now forevermore empty
('death verified at/on')

and then-

she strokes their hair, the way their mother did as they were laid in her arms
gently closes their eyes
traces a cross on their foreheads
tucks them into their deathbeds
leaves them to sleep

God, have mercy, on this your child
God, be kind
I hope you are at peace
Be at peace

Somedays You help us awake,
and shy though we are,
you patiently wait.
As the light shines forth,
we always seem to forget.
But you wait, patiently,
while all the while,
softly pouring a ray of spring sunlight,
and the chirping of birds that begins each morning.
the sounds of the earth beginning and waking up.
and your prayers are missed by me mostly,
yet thank you i must for this day as each day,
that try as i might
to navigate the inner waterways, the oceans mighty,
i always tend to forget, miss, really,
the sweet blooms in front of me.
The honeycomb face of a displaced yet ever so naughty monkey.
This fruit that i now bite into
and the thanks i slip past the crowding
for all your gifts to me.
Yes-
Thank you.