Falling down the rabbit hole
Endless darkness engulfs me
Is this my eternity?

A back slams ******* the ground
It must be mine
My body vibrates from the impact
Have I finally fallen back into reality?
N O
H E L P?
Eating pills like candy
Sweet and tangy
as they glide down my throat
Sunbathing on a mushroom
Taller than a skyscraper
Blisters cover my skin
Smoking hookah
With  the butterfly's from my stomach
The Pansies dwarf me
as the tulips gawk
Their shrill laughter coating my soul

With a heart that's much too small
I  bask in white roses colored with my own  blood
joining the others in outcast

I've had enough stupid games,
enough of your ******* lullabies
to sing me to sleep
when you know I lay awake staring
at my ceiling wondering
whether or not I should say '**** it'
and throw my life away,
or to say 'oh well' and suffer through
another miserable ******* day
where I have to see your face and know
that behind that smile
is a mother who
cares more for her cigarettes
than her daughters.

So no-
I'm not lending you another cent for your satisfaction.
I'm not going to nod my head along to your half-baked opinions.
I'm not going to let you walk through my life,
ruining every precious thing I have left.

because the secondhand smoke has already destroyed my body,
your words have already destroyed my mind.
I won't let the shattered pieces be picked up and swallowed like the pills that you love shoving down your ashen throat.

I take my pills to subside the pain,
But the dark clouds are just waiting to rain,
Therapy appointments medication and all,
They are like my crutches without them I fall,
My mind goes at such a pace,
But it’s loosing in a one man race,
Competing with myself to change who I am,
I’ve tried so hard I don’t know if I can,
They say death isn’t the answer then we’ll what is,
I’m dead inside hate and feeling like this

Dad,

Did you really mean the things you said to me? That one night.
Did you really mean to disown me at birth? That one afternoon.
Did you really mean to hurt me and the woman I love? That one day.

Before birth, dad, I learned love through closed fists.
I learned love through the smell of bourbon and the taste of whatever drugs were on your tongue that night.
I learned love through abandonment.

At the age of three months, I was naive.
I thought love was shown in the shapes of bruises.
I thought love was left in the burn marks.
I thought love was embedded into broken ribs.

I thought sleeping pills made you fly.
That’s why I cried for mama to take me with her.

At the age of seven, I was naive.
I believed you loved me.
I believed that I was the subject of every waking ballad you’d sing to me.
I believed that your rough hands rubbing lotion on me was out of love not pure obligation.

At the age of nine, I was naive.
I trusted your words.
I trusted your vows.
I trusted everything you’d say.
Yet, you never showed up.

But even love can’t make room in busy.

At the age of eleven, I was naive.
I waited for you.
I longed for you.
And some nights,
I cried for you.

But distance makes screams seem quieter than they seem.

At the age of thirteen, I was naive.
I needed you.
That year I tried to fly like mama.

No one cried for me.

At the age of sixteen, I was naive.
I was cutting the thought of you out of me.
I was cutting the half of me that belonged to you.
I bled out the portion that reminded me of you.

Dad, I’m scared.
I’m terrified that I forgot a piece of you.
That inside me, somewhere, is a part of you growing.

I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
I don’t want to ruin everything I love.
I don’t want to make anyone feel the way you made me feel.

I fear that I'll grow up to be you.
Ruthless, mysterious, alone, aggressive,
And a coward.

But
At the age of 18, I wasn’t naive.
I pushed you away.
I cut all ties.
I disowned you this time.

At the age of 18.
You created sons,
You created a family.
The one you always wanted一
You finally found the true meaning of love.

Your youngest daughter,
Marrianna.

I’m too afraid of breaking
I don’t know if I can make it through
Another heartbreak

So I run however I can
Hide from my feelings
Work, pills, tv
Just dissociate
Hold it in
Because feeling it will be worse
Facing it is to spiral again
I can’t survive that
So... I guess I have to run
A few more pills won’t hurt
Not yet anyway

I guess my name is Fentyn
And I'm here to **** you all
Head to toe in xannies I don't give a **** at all
I'm coming for your grannies all your underpaid nannies
But first I'll **** your life up bet on every nook and cranny
made a couple asian friends their eyes are always slanting
But now from where you're standing I can do a some more enchanting
Now your boys suckin **** and your girl is dropping *******
This could have been avoided with a tiny bit of planning
It's almost rock bottom now you're panting when you're ranting
You're just another grain or two from hearing angels chanting
If it's death you're really after I'm then pretty close to granting
Just be prepared for landing

Come and meet my friends
Come and meet my friends
The only ones I know who'll be around until the end
They're all I've ever known and the bond has only grown
Look for my obituary, 23, unknown

I'm a little alcohol
Here for good times
And when you sober up its gone
Then you'll know you're mine
When we hang I'm feeling fine
But when you leave I can't ignore the tingle in my spine
A little longer and it hits my face and fingers but I'm fine
Except now I'm seizing and alone but this isn't how I'm dying
No one to reach if I could reach my phone but man I'm trying
Try to change it all you want man our fates are  intertwining
Face it you'll be buried with a fifth of scotch and red wine
Then when you're feeling like the grapes hanging on the vine
Bleed out internally or be a *****
bring a nine to the pines

Come and meet my friends
Come and meet my friends
The only ones I know who'll be around until the end
They're all I've ever known and the bond has only grown
Look for my obituary, 23, unknown

I'm a little doctor, short and stout
Here are your pills, now get the **** out
When I get all steamed up hear me about
Jesus ******* **** me please I really just want out
Swallow the medicine smoke synonyms get the venom in
Bring your inner felon in, it's not a matter of melanin
It's a matter of dosing before you blow your melon in
Wake up with regret take half and try to sell them then
Use the rest on dope and rent and pay them off in 5s and 10s
Visions so blurry think you're paying out in yen
Get some sleep, I'll be here, we can do it all again

Ahem
I can talk about it because it's okay we're all friends here right?
Love you guys til the end

Opiates are the religion of the masses.