Dear Precious,

Mommy loves you.

You are the complete adoration of my selfless soul. What joy and learning experience it will be to watch you grow!

You aren't even here yet, but I know you are patiently waiting to come through. Funny thing you may want to know; your mommy is patiently waiting too!

I pray to God He gives me the tools I need to be the perfect mother. That I can truly provide you with the world you deserve, and to make you the greatest King or Queen you were born to be.

I will teach you about loss and I will teach you about love. I will show you the beauty in lillies and the purity of a dove. I will introduce you to adventures and the rising of the sun, and I will teach you how to capture fire flies when the day is done.

I will do my best to help you understand pain, and show you that even a rainbow cannot exist without rain. You will know the gift of a father and will know the love of a much higher power.

My precious soul child you, I will do everything in my power to love, honor, and rightfully protect you. So do not be afraid to come down to this silly earth, there is far too much to see.  Come down for a visit and be with me.

You will understand one day what it is to be in my shoes, and I will always be at your side, whether in physical or spiritual form, to guide you.

My precious soul child wherever you may be, I will always be waiting.

Love You Forever,
Mom

Granddad I know you are deceased
But I have some remembrance that needs to be released
I know you are looking down on me from Heaven
I still remember your words even at seven
You had encouraged me from the time of my birth
You taught me new skills for what they would be worth
All this you did before you left this earth
You made me practice typing for 4 hours a day
Then you told me up the ladder this way
It was those inspiring words you used to say
In some way, my day would always be ok
I also remember you stating, “Chose a word from the dictionary and incorporate in my vocabulary”
You wanted be to an intellectual solidarity
Your inspiration was for me to achieve
Higher education you wanted me to receive
Your words to try
Start thinking from I
Your vision of me as a commodity
Involvement in business with society
Your persuasion for me to explore
This was in case if I wasn’t sure
I continue to remember you always in the now
It was your teachings in showing me how
You are looking down on me and feeling proud
Time has a base that is simply allowed
Granddad your wisdom being next to none
But you will always be my number one.

Sometimes I forget
The abuse.
Sometimes even the
Pain begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Knocking on my door at 9.45
On a Saturday night
Isn't normal
When I haven't seen you in 3 years.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear flows through my veins.
and i turn the TV up
and I pretend I can't hear you
and I cry silently.

Sometimes I think that I can
Move on.
Sometimes the barrier
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Parking outside my school
For a week
Isn't normal
When you don't even know my age.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my escape plan is ready
and I won't walk alone
and I try to hide in the crowd.

Sometimes I think you've
Finally died.
Sometimes the fear
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Offering holidays just to me
And not your other daughter
Isn't normal
When we both chose to leave your life.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my head is spinning
and I change my number
and I block you.

Sometimes the PTSD
Is gone.
Sometimes my childhood
Is rescued.
But then I remember-
A 30 mile bike ride
With no food or water
Isn't normal
When you're only 10 years old.

*and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and the insomnia takes hold
and I can't open my front door
and if you could get in you would.

Carefree my life
Hides emptiness
Internal strife
Longs to profess
Denied by fate
Love incarnate
Expecting now?
Son or daughter
Someday maybe?

For three years she has moved me
Through the wonders of her eyes.
Flowing wells that glisten,
And beckon within.
     Her sudden movements
     Change direction
     To challenge or outwit
With the wonder of her eyes.

Furtive corners in the waters
Of her eyes, looking out:
A blink, a wink or shying tear
Disturbs ripples in my mind.

     My heart's flow rises
     When she smiles:
     She is the well-spring of  my life
With the wonder of her eyes.

Her hands direct the steerage
Of her course.
Sandboxes swell and dip,
And change to wonderous seas.
Her real dimensions are
Refracted, movements and directions,
Then defracted from my sight.

Imagine, her young colours
Looking out
Through the wonders
Of her eyes.

I call you for dinner
at the roast beef you glare
you sulk at the table
and kick at my chair
"I don't want it" you cry
"I hate veggies" you moan
but a young boy can't live on Mcnuggets alone!

You call me a meanie
you say it's not fair
to make you eat green stuff
"I won't eat it, so there!"

You hunch up your shoulders
arms crossed, lips shut tight
your stare is defiant
as you fight for your right
to eat what you want to
and do as you please
my 5 year old rebel
with scabs on both knees

You'll eat it eventually
and I'll secretly laugh
'cause round two is coming
I'm running your bath!

When I was just a little girl,

naive as hell,

I was under your spell.

Life was simple, it was fun...

But that was when I was young.

Now I'm older.

Now I realize.

Now I see the pain in your eyes.

I used to think it was normal every night,

when clock struck 5, and I peered in those bloodshot eyes.

Lying in bed with me you'd cry, cry cry.

Do you know the feeling?

You know, the one when someone you love is in pain.

You, yourself , are a helpless child, you can't do a thing.

Now you lay, passed out, snoring a storm, in your own bed.

I.

All.

Alone.

I lay there, observing the wall.

The sweet taste of a tear, creeping between my closed lips.

Her pain is your pain.

Your pain is mine. 
 
This pain can't be contained.

How can you continue this vicious cycle?

Don't you realize that you were once as I?!?

I don't want my life to be a play, please don't be my queue.

At your age I'll know what to do.

I'm determined to beat this cycle of abuse.

My children will prosper, they will love.

They will not smell ***** when I give them hugs.

All I can say is thank you.

Thank you for teaching me what not to do,

I will try harder because of you.

His high intellect was a whip and a chair to keep the lion of your growing independence at bay.
Cowering child,
You roared your defiance against proud deaf ears.
Now a beast grown with a pride of your own,
Your let sound your growl,
Your angry howl,
But within that defiant song can be heard the whimper of the cub that just wanted to be heard.
Stop it.
Listen and speak softly for your voice carries and is heard.
You are not your father.
You are your own man.

Two strangers exchange eternal vows. Neither lovers yet fully born.
You were more a stranger to yourself than to her.
In you she sees a mirror spirit,
More lost than found,
Lacking an identity to call your own. Her passion, a hot storm built after a lifetime of suppression,
Is released by another man.
In this and in him she begins to find herself.
You think you lost her, yet she was never yours.
Oaths sworn by the wraiths of the beings you were yet to become are not considered binding by any council of lovers,
Lost or foresworn.
You are not her husband.
You'll place your ring on another hand.

Your eyes swore to possess her as her faery beauty woke within you the imp of desire.
Fey creatures know there's magic in *******.
Her every whispered breath was poetry as you pressed your stiff need against her back.
There was honesty between you even as you lied to yourselves,
Just one more kiss, another **** another glass of wine.
No amount of pleasure could bury the wrong.
It was not your lips she kissed goodnight,
Nor your smile which greeted her in the morn.
You were her paramour,
Her poet,
Her escape from another man.
She belongs to another man.