Our world when we are small.
Our bane when teenaged.
Our friend as an adult.
Our loss when death takes.

I once said that I don't want to be like my father
He was too harsh a man
I once said that I don't want to be like my mother
She was too passive a woman
To make do with what I've got
Paste together the pieces of a broken puzzle
In the past I believed that God judged me;
according to how people had judged me
I believed I was loved only conditionally;
according to how those around me chose to love me
A degree, percentage or not at all
But I was missing in this picture
Where was the unconditional part of love I now ask
What happened to having a moral compass
However morals seem to have gone out the window
And the compass is broken
When my mother died
I was deeply saddened
When my father died
I felt alone
Who is left I shouted
I am now truly alone
My mind emerged to a deeper understanding
A new revelation
If God were to be my parents
Blemish free
An unconditional love
My earthly parents were then just vehicles
There's no need to model myself on either of them
I could just simply be
For in reality they too had no mother or father
Perhaps they never knew this
Their parents also just vehicles
Stepping stones to life
Then truly no-one is an orphan
Do I feel lonely ...
Why would I
Why should I
How could I
When I am never alone
Though I don't always feel that this world is my home
I shall continue to sing a song
Write a poem
Whistle a tune
Thus I have thrown caution to the wind
People passing through my life
Like ships slowly disappearing in the horizon
Sailing away
I observe them come and go
Should I wish them back
I'd rather wish them well
Who has sailed has sailed
Continuity man's key to survival

the screams still echo throughout my head
and they terrify me, the same way they did when i was a child
every once in a while i hear them again
and suddenly

i’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of memories
my small back
pressed up against the cold door
my little hands were covering my ears
trying to drown out your venomous words

i try and forget these broken memories
and only remember the good
but how am i supposed to do that
when the worst are most vivid?

i saw the back of your head
more than the front
but now i see your face
everywhere i look
guilt shoots pain through my chest
and i’ve never hated myself more
i forgave you, i said i forgave you
i told you i forgave you
so why can’t i shake
these flashbacks of a time
when we weren’t so picture perfect

your death has left my thoughts
a tangled mess in my head
and i can’t seem to unravel the knots
no matter how hard i try

i’ve been turned to ash
to frigid water
that instead of relief
only seems to burn
because now nothing
is how it’s supposed to be
anymore

i should’ve buried these memories
the day we buried you
because there was no point in being angry
i don’t think you knew
how much you hurt me
don’t remember the pain you caused
because it wasn’t you

you were a shell of your former self
a monster fueled by toxins
running through your veins

forgiving you
has been the hardest thing i’ve had to do
but easier
than carrying the weight of a grudge
on my shoulders
i wish i had realized when you were alive

you never apologized for
everything you put me through
i thought it was because you didn’t notice
no one pays attention to the things they don’t care about
and i was positive
you didn’t care about me

forgiving you
was the hardest thing i had to do
but forgiving myself
will be much harder
6/22/2019

==============================
Poppa was a rolling stone,
but you know Poppa never neglects home,
Poppa handled all his things,
and still made time for his guitar strings
==============================

Poppa was a rolling stone,
but Poppa always came back home,
Poppa always did whats right,
and always tucked you in at night,

Poppa always stood for truth,
he would not have be no other way,
Poppa could have chosen to go,
instead your Poppa chose to stay

==============================
Poppa was a rolling stone,
but you know Poppa never neglects home,
Poppa handled all his things,
and still made time for his guitar strings
==============================

Poppa was a rolling stone,
but Poppa couldn't come back home,
Poppa tried to do whats right,
sometimes he couldn't tuck you in at night,

Poppa tried to stand for truth,
but as a man, Poppa made mistakes,
Poppa didn't want to go,
but Poppa could not longer stay...

Poppa was a rolling stone......

i hope one day your teeth drip with
the taste of your own cruelty

one day you choke
on the fog of your own anger

i hope one day your fingers dangle
slick with pain and regret

regret

i hope one day you r e g r e t

I cried for you today,
Because you come and never stay,
The day you left and went away,
I can't remember hearing you say,
I love you so,
Can't let you go,
I'm sure that you know,
How painful it is to see the snow,
To drive by where we said goodbye,
We'll never know the reasons why,
We just feel the void but know you fly,
Your an angel in the sky,
One of the strongest men I've ever known,
The strongest Angel's ever flown,
I know someday you'll come for me,
Until then I can't help but weep,
But I know I'll see you in my sleep,
I just miss you everyday,
I lay my head at night and pray,
You'll be there in my dreams,
Like ocean tides and flowing streams,
And things we just dont understand,
So in my dreams I grab your hand,
In the day I play my guitar,
I hope you hear it where ever you are,
I just want to make you proud,
So I try to play it loud,
I know your there in the clouds,
Listening to my improvement,
Watching every single movement,
I love you grandpa and you know,
What words can't say or actions show.

I always felt the warmth of your embrace
When I ate melting Mac and cheese.
The bright yellow cheese gleamed like your eyes
I saw your smile in smirking elbow noodles, curled upwards.
Ham and bread crumbs sprinkled the top,
Creating the perfect symphony of savory on my taste buds.
The blueberry muffins always tasted so sweet...

I miss your sweetness.

The call of your voice echoes now
As a distant shout for dinner to be served.
It’s been years since you’ve passed,
But I still hear your words call down the hall
floating over Jeopardy playing on the television.

I can’t hear your voice anymore saying you love me,
But I can always hear it haunt me when I eat Mac & Cheese.
It’s the only time I can hear voice...

I miss your voice.

The smell of Mac & Cheese makes me sick now.
Flavor doesn’t dance on my taste buds anymore.
The cheese tastes cold.
The blueberries taste bitter.
The savory ham now tastes sorrowful.
And the bread crumbs feel like sand scraping my mouth.

No one else makes it like you did,
Even if the recipe is the same.
But I still eat it.
Because I feel you with me when I do.
It’s the only time I do...

I will always miss the warmth of your melting Mac & Cheese,
And the warmth of your embrace.

She had her sparkle in her eyes,
She had his smile on her lips.
Maa remembered once he told her , " If we have babies, they will have your eyes".