my baby girl
is like fresh laundry
straight out of the dryer-
so soft, so warm
so similar to home.

putting up with you has been a living hell.

-sorry, i’ve never been good at goodbyes

There is nothing
on this planet more beautiful
than seeing a daughter's smile
in her mother's eyes
even when heartache is an
ingredient for something so heavenly.
The sun and moon could learn so much
from this baby girl’s warmth and glow.

Got so much stuff
                       penetrating my brain
Activists, blacktivists
                       my little girls pain
                       that I have caused
                       her pause to success
Stop the blame game
Prepared instead for the
                       sweet accolades
                       of your future around you
Life is short
Make it easy as you can, love

I can sit here all day and night
                       to tell you why
                       to stop dwelling
                       and start loving
But then I get so mad
                       when you can see me
The opposite of what you should be

Freedom is not a word
It's a choice
You've got it
Use it

I can write you a song
                   or a lullaby
Fill your heart with fury
Or fill your eyes
with tears
                   little one
Whatever comes outta
                   my fateful
                             mouth
I can slow down
and write what I mean

I love you
I'm proud of you

And in those awkward
silences
At times I blurt
                   something stupid
like a stock ****
Pump start the conversation
                   ease up the awkward silence
Watch the fight begin
                   in observation
**** my spoken word
and love what I do mean
Child of mine
What I mean
                   is I love you
                                      so so much
                                                            ­ (I know)

Today
I'm sitting in a hospital room with my mother wondering why I am here. I tense my jaw and ***** my hands because I can't deal with this anymore.

Yesterday
I tensed my jaw as words were spat in anger. Oh how it took to not bite back. I closed my eyes and wished to be away from here.

Last Month
I was pacing back and forwards wondering if this would ever come to an end.

Last Year.
I wrote an email in anger pleading for help. No one answered.

5 Years Ago.
I picked up wine bottles and glasses from the lounge floor. Why was I doing this? Why was I cleaning up her mess?

10 Years Ago
Mummy and her boyfriend were having lots of adult drinks. I like staying up after bedtime.

when you get mad,
angry,
furious,
i know it's because you want to prepare me
you want me to be ready for the real world
you want me to grow up
and be your perfection

oh, i'll be ready,
but not for the reasons you think
i'll be ready
because no one
could ever hurt me more than you have
and i could never hate
anything more than what you've said to me

Dating as a single parent is a strange thing.
You have to open yourself
And learn to trust someone new
And new is petrifying
But when you do
It feels like you're suspended in air.
Your heart is again warm, your belly full of butterflies.
A kind of feeling your children cannot give you.
Something different.
Everything is perfect
And then something changes.
Suddenly theyre not there
A void is once again opening
Your presence is no longer welcomed
And you cant explain it because they wont.
Sleep eludes you like a promised meteor shower on a cloudy night.
Food now feels like poison on its journey to your starving stomach.
Your body is weak from the malnutrition that this love was feeding your soul.
The trust you gave them is now shattered
And all of the words you heard from your past comes alive and deafens you once again
"Youre nothing without me"
"No one will ever love you"
"You'll be a young single parent and no one wants that"
Doubt will crush your soul
Again
And again
And again.
But you remember.
Youre a mother.
The bringer of life
And snacks.
You have dried tears and kissed ouchies
You have been the protector of your children
And now, you have to be the protector of yourself.
One day you'll wake up,
A little lighter
A little hungier
A little happier

Don't blame me father
My insatiable hunger for love and insecurities
When all you gave me was piles of paper
that I couldn't even burn to keep me warm
To melt the ice ***** you stuck in deep.

Do you remember what you did to me?

You threw me off like a burden to the fire
You drove her mad, so she hurls it out
All on me.

You laughed and told me I was mad, then
told me. **** it up. Don't tell me. Be a good daughter.
Take my money and leave.
I have all the gold but I don't know what it's like, Dad,
For a man to love me.

Don't shame me mother
For clinging onto strangers, eager to please
Shying away from you and all my responsibilities
You took all your hatred for him
And unleashed it all on me.

Did you remember what you did to me?

You wanted a daughter that wasn't me. I was too wild.
So you despised everything I loved
About me.

You said I don't ever do enough, I never please. But
I am not your puppet on a string
And you are not my priority.
I love you so much, Mum, but I am the happiest when you are
Not around me.