the screams still echo throughout my head
and they terrify me, the same way they did when i was a child
every once in a while i hear them again
and suddenly

i’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of memories
my small back
pressed up against the cold door
my little hands were covering my ears
trying to drown out your venomous words

i try and forget these broken memories
and only remember the good
but how am i supposed to do that
when the worst are most vivid?

i saw the back of your head
more than the front
but now i see your face
everywhere i look
guilt shoots pain through my chest
and i’ve never hated myself more
i forgave you, i said i forgave you
i told you i forgave you
so why can’t i shake
these flashbacks of a time
when we weren’t so picture perfect

your death has left my thoughts
a tangled mess in my head
and i can’t seem to unravel the knots
no matter how hard i try

i’ve been turned to ash
to frigid water
that instead of relief
only seems to burn
because now nothing
is how it’s supposed to be
anymore

i should’ve buried these memories
the day we buried you
because there was no point in being angry
i don’t think you knew
how much you hurt me
don’t remember the pain you caused
because it wasn’t you

you were a shell of your former self
a monster fueled by toxins
running through your veins

forgiving you
has been the hardest thing i’ve had to do
but easier
than carrying the weight of a grudge
on my shoulders
i wish i had realized when you were alive

you never apologized for
everything you put me through
i thought it was because you didn’t notice
no one pays attention to the things they don’t care about
and i was positive
you didn’t care about me

forgiving you
was the hardest thing i had to do
but forgiving myself
will be much harder
6/22/2019