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Ashton Nance Dec 2020
When I was young I fell silent when my parents said they loved me
Because with my upbringing, that couldn’t be  

Brushed away when alcohol and a rush of nicotine meant more
If they couldn’t care for me, what did they have me for?

Promises to meet for lunch, have weekend visits, and for the drinking to stop
Each one broken, another disappointment to top

“You’re my world, my reason for living”
“I’m trying my best”
I can only be so forgiving
And only when all you’ve done has been suppressed

As I grew, I struggled to cope
Would things get better, can I hold on to hope?  

I fear for the day that I get the call that my dad is dead
He doesn’t sleep, still drinks, and thinks he’s invincible
The constant worry of losing him living in my head
No matter the past, doesn’t he know he’s irreplaceable?

My mom is sick, worsening every day
I’ve seen her change before my eyes
Caring for my dying mom, a role I never wanted to play
How will I forget all that happened when she dies?

All my life I’ve craved what can’t be redeemed  
A healthy relationship to cherish forever
It pains my heart to see others get what I’ve always dreamed
Maybe one day it won’t hurt (or never)

“You’re so mature!”
“You have to be older than what you say!”

No, that’s just the trauma, the things I can’t forget
The things I haven’t healed from yet

For the rest of my days I will pay the price
Climbing a mountain that never ends
But what is life without a little spice?
A recipe for disaster that transcends
Ashton Nance Dec 2020
How ill-prepared
Are we
For the
Inevitability of
The end
Ashton Nance Dec 2020
I fall to my knees in desperation and feel the gentle touch of The Granter on my shoulder.
“Dear child, I have heard your cries, and I am here to help you. But know this - if l must visit you again, it will come at a price.”
I grasp at The Granter, pleading,
“Please, I just need help this one time. It’s urgent!”
The Granter pulls me to my feet and smiles a smile that chills my bones
“Very well, darling, your wish is my command. May I never lay eyes upon you again.”

Several months later, I feel the same panic arising. I am in dire need of help, but what can I do?
I know The Granter will make me pay if I ask again.
I have no choice - I must.
I fall to my knees and in seconds The Granter is by my side once again.
The eyes are cold and distant, and a sinister smile appears.
“My dear, you did not heed my warning. If you require my assistance, you must give me something you will regret losing.”
I freeze, contemplating if it is worth the pain.
“Please, Granter, I have no other option.”
“Very well,” The Granter purrs, “your wish is my command.”
I realize that I have lost my ability to walk.
“Granter, what happened? I cannot walk!”
“My darling, I told you that you would lose something that you would regret.”

I am once again in desperate need of help from The Granter, and I am terrified of what is to come.
I never regained my ability to walk, and have been wheelchair bound for months.
What could I lose next? Am I willing to find out?
As I weigh the consequences, The Granter appears once again.
“Dear one, you must desire to lose it all if you have called to me again.”
“Granter, I am desperate - I have no other choice.”
“Very well, dear,” The Granter sneers, “your wish is my command once again.”
I am suddenly no longer able to speak.
I gesture wildly, horrified.
The Granter touches my face with a fiery touch and a slicing gaze.
“Oh, darling, you have lost so much already. Will there be another?”

What shall I do? I cannot walk or speak but I cannot go through this life without The Granter.
“Dear one, I must admit that I am growing tired of these trips.”
I close my eyes and feel my pleading wish float to The Granter.
The Granter holds my arm tightly.
“Beware that you are nearing the point of no return. But very well, darling, your wish is my command.”
I can no longer see.
I begin to cry, as I know this will not be the last visit from The Granter.

Life has become unbearable and I have no desire to go on.
I call to The Granter, who I hear next to me moments later.
“You are in a sad way, darling, what pity I take for you.”
I feel the heat of The Granter’s hand on my face, and a whisper in my ear.
“Dear one, you have now lost more than anyone who has sought The Granter. Your wish is unfortunately my command.”
I can no longer hear.
What is left for me?

The Granter appears in my dreams, as we can no longer communicate in person, after all I have lost.
“My poor darling, it’s such a shame. You could have gone on without me, but now you are in an unavoidable predicament.”
That chilling smile appears once more.
“I have visited so many times that you now have nothing left to give...but your life.”
Little does The Granter know that I welcome this end, long for it every day.
The Granter pierces my heart, and holds me tight as I fade away.
“All along I knew what you craved, my darling, and for the final time, your wish is my command.”
Ashton Nance Nov 2020
I open my eyes and you sit in front of me, smiling that diamond smile
My heart shines, I haven’t seen you in such a long while
You begin to tell me all the things I long to hear
The sound of your laugh, oh, how I hold it dear

We fall into a comfortable flow, like we always do
Your eyes tell a story, such a beautiful shade of blue
I reach out to touch you, and find myself amazed
Where you just were sits an empty chair, am I dazed?

I realize quickly - you were never there
I trick myself into seeing you to hide the pain I can’t bear
The vacant seat in front of me is like a glimpse into my soul
The loss of you, my darling, will leave a permanent hole

She says, “what do you want to say? Imagine that your loved one is in the chair”
If only she knew that I talk to you every day, in my mind and my heart
She looks at me with pity in her eyes, she thinks I’ve lost it
But I have nothing else to lose now that we are forever apart
Ashton Nance Jul 2019
You stand across the room, moonlight glimmering off your ocean eyes
I wonder what your hand feels like, whispering across my face, or my thighs
A forbidden energy radiates between us, a desire that may never be fulfilled
A wall becomes taller with each passing moment, one that I am required to build

What would it feel like to kiss your lips?
To be enveloped by the scent of your floral perfume?
How intensely would my skin tingle from the touch of your fingertips?
Would I transform into a flower aching to bloom?

I have always craved what I know you could give me, if I had the chance to take it
My family insists that I like men, so all my life I’ve had to fake it
Expectations must be met, or else there comes a risk from which I may never recover
How long can I go on like this, being unable to openly love another?

In my fantasies, I know what it means to be content
Waking up next to you, with your body curled around mine
You are an angel, a gift that has been heaven sent
I’m brought out of my reverie, back to a world where I have no choice but to pretend I’m fine

I could walk up to you and strike up a conversation, but what good would that do?
I’d only strengthen my disillusionment that I could ever be allowed to love someone like you
For now I’ll remain in my world of dreams, ignoring the magnetic pull to walk your way
Maybe one day I’ll acquire the courage I so desperately need, but until then my happiness is kept at bay
Ashton Nance Aug 2018
We were so young when we met for the first time
I told you then that you would always be mine
We talked about marriage and having two kids
You always ran through my mind behind my eyelids

The distance between us never weakened our love
Spending time with you, it’s all that I dreamed of
Making promises of forever, our feelings would never fade
But on that cold December day, everything changed

They tried everything, but it was to no avail
I was gone before you could even exhale
They knocked on your door and told you the news
You refused to believe it, how could I be gone so soon?

Years pass by, and you slowly begin to heal
But at night you have nightmares that feel too real
Reaching for me to find her instead
You never felt rested in that cursed bed

You never stop visiting me, where I live underground
I see you going home with her, but I can’t make a sound
It breaks my heart that I can’t be there
But I really want you to be happy, I swear

They say love lasts until the day you die
But they never knew the love between you and I
I can’t physically be with you, and you’ve moved on
But my heart is with you, I’m never really gone
My boyfriend and I had a conversation about what would happen if I died and although it made me really sad, it gave me motivation to write this.
Ashton Nance Sep 2017
I’ve been told all my life that everything I touch will turn to gold,
and that the palm of my hand is made of diamonds.
If it were possible, a trail of glitter would follow me everywhere I go,
and my hair would shine like sapphires in the moonlight.
My lips are made of ruby,
my eyes the color of exquisite aquamarine.
But the true light of my life, or lack thereof,
is what remains unseen.
There is no sparkle, no glitz, no sheen
and what everyone else sees is simply an intriguing mirage.
Everything I touch crumbles into nothing
and the glitter I’m known to exude is really silver dust.
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