(Dedicated to my Father, who was totally paralyzed
for 7 years before he died.)

I awake in the early morning darkness
Frozen, motionless, immobilized.
My eyes straining to see into the black void
Looking for any sign of my keepers
Listening for any kind of movement
Phantom images dart around me slowly at first,
Then multiple images spring from every direction
My heart racing, my breathing rapid and shallow,
Byproducts of fear and imagination
Running amok in the dark

My eyes focus on tiny lights incessantly blinking,
Reassuring my heart as the phantoms vanish
My ears register the intermittent beeps
And steady, determined droning
Of contraptions that populate my space,
Their sole purpose to prevent the outcome I crave

My nose catches whiffs of iodoform odor,
Penetrating, pungent, overpowering my sense of smell.
A cruel replacement for what once was
A weekly parade of fragrant flowers
That excited what few senses remain
The brightly colored blossoms
The sweet, fragrant smells
The delightful sizes and shapes
But the beautiful flowers have withered,
As concern for my plight has waned

I watch as the determined, dynamic sun
Deliberately dilutes the darkness,
Revealing the magical birth of a new day.
Is that delightful birdsong I hear?
The beeping and droning are maddening,
But I know there’s birdsong outside my window
I can’t wait until the moment arrives!

As if on cue my keeper appears
Busily going about her assigned tasks
My eyes following her every move
“And how are you doing today?” she asks,
Staring at me as if I could answer.
But I lie frozen, motionless, immobilized
In my mind I replay my daily reply:

"My existence is a never-ending cycle of
Penetrating. . . pungent. . . whiffs
Beep. . . blink. . . drone. . . beep
Blink. . . drone. . . beep, . . . blink
Drone. . . beep. . . blink. . . drone
Penetrating. . . pungent. . . whiffs
Dawn. . . daylight. . . twilight. . . night
Daylight. . . twilight. . . night. . . dawn
Twilight. . . night. . . dawn. . . daylight
Night. . . dawn. . . daylight. . .twilight
Penetrating. . . pungent. . . whiffs
Each boring minute an hour.
Each hateful hour a day.
Each wretched day a year.
Each torturous year a lifetime.
Ad nauseum. . .ad infinitum. . .ad mortem?"

Offering no response to my unspoken thoughts,
My keeper dutifully takes my vital signs,
Temperature, pulse, respiration, blood pressure,
Records the results, then walks to the window
My favorite time of day has arrived!
“We must open the window to freshen up your room.”
As the window opens my spirit soars, and my ears capture
The lovely birdsong, as well as other living sounds,
Along with a veritable potpourri of smells.
I can only imagine what is happening outside,
And I do imagine it as best I can

I close my eyes and try to make out each note,
Visualizing the source of each incredible sound,
Be it bird, animal, human, or otherwise
Who they are, what they look like,
What they’re doing, what they’re thinking,
The blinking, beeping, droning is finally drowned out!
With every breath, I savor each smell
And, with eyes closed, as I visualize
What’s happening in my mind’s eye,
A wonderful peace envelops me. . . comforts me

But, alas, this day will be crueler than most
Another keeper, a newer keeper, enters my room
“Oh, she’s fallen asleep” he whispers,
He closes the window, shuts the shades,
Then quietly leaves, shutting the door
I SCREAM A LOUD, LONG, PRIMAL SCREAM!
... in my mind
As I lie frozen, motionless, immobilized—   
Paralyzed

Those bad days come
The days were getting out of bed shouldn’t be an option
Were looking at everyone can’t be a choice
But you have to smile for the camera
Everyone is looking at you
While you see that moment
That moment of being on a bus with a friend
A friend that took your friendliness for flirting
A friend that decided to play fight with you
But play fighting turned into something more
Into something you wished it didn’t
He kissed you
You didn’t want or intend for that to happen
You didn’t know what to do
You’re paralyzed
As you tell him no, he tries play fighting again
You reject that too
But in the end, he bites your arm
And now you are stuck with the feeling of teeth on you
The feeling that you still have the bruise
A bruise that you had to hide from your family members
A bruise that symbolized
“You are broken”
You get stuck wearing anything but a normal shirt
No one questions it...but yourself
You can feel the pain
You can see yourself crying all over again
You can feel the hug that your teacher gave you when they found out
That teacher helped you more than anyone
That teacher took care of you in your time of need
That teacher was your parent because you couldn’t show them your bruise
You can feel the nothingness that came out of that experience
You can hear the whispers
The whispers of blame toward you
The whispers of “they asked for it”
No you didn’t ask for it
All you asked for was a friend
A friend to sit next to
A friend to stay close to, so you wouldn’t get lost
But in the end you got more lost
If anything, you got lost and betrayed
Within minutes before and after that first kiss
But you still feel that bruise, even after it’s gone
You feel where their teeth sunk in on your skin
That part of your skin remembers every nerve being in pain
Your muscles remembering tensing up right when it happened
That friend marked you
For what, because you were friendly
Because you gave them attention they hardly got
Who’s to say,
All you know is that you had a bruise and a bad memory on that bus
A memory that haunts you till this day
A memory you wished would just disappear
Just like the bruise
That friend got in trouble
With a slap on the wrist
And everyone on their side
You are the one at fault
You started the whole thing
But you are the one with the wounds
You were too friendly, everyone said
How could that have mattered
When you are now bruised on the inside
Where their teeth were

these, why seasons are
so many
why (we) changing
way too often

stepping out in sandals
enter freezing blizzards
wearing scarf and mittens
get burned by melting hot

about to smell the scent of lillies
breath in troubled dust
rushing out to driest desert
my naked knees soak through mud

being seasoned seasoner
seems not help enough
forseeing unseen-able
ends up rough

these, our seasons
reckless in motion
thus locking us
in motionless loops

thank mindseasons
only
mindgardens
blossom

I’m moving through glue
Of life without you
In an adhesive zoo
Giving avian flu
So I can’t move
In this groove
Where I lose
To my muse

At your beck and call
My engine stalled
So I walk this hall
Free-for-all

Walking home
Is walking alone
Destination unknown
I’m a walking drone

I find a new car
But cannot go far
Once the oily tar
Creates prison bars

Cars have slammed
Causing traffic jams
Like the trap of man
Living hand in hand

Double barrel lies
Have me paralyzed
Scared to try
A stare at eyes

Satan’s will
Has my body still
Anxiety filled
Looking for a pill

The enemy
Is sending me
Messaging
Threatening

The once unbridled
Now sit idle
Using their title
To stop others’ vitals

This quicksand
Kicks the ******
Sickest man
So he can’t stand

Tires flattened
In sheets of satin
They start to fatten
Into General Patton
On a treadmill
Death hill
Where pests ****
My best skills

No detour
On this meat skewer
Where the elite lure
Those who are bluer
To be their bruiser

I find no leeway
On the freeway
Where speed craze
Gets greed praise
So the meek stay
In concede lanes

The gun toting
Fascist voting
Authority doting
Have me floating
When I should be boating

I challenge the world to a fight
And lose to my first opponent
Pathetically crying all night
I thought heart was a stronger component

I can’t stand minds
Of land mines
That span my
Whole **** life
The things I know
Create traffic cones
So I have nowhere to go
But low

I defy the slide
Stuck in the divide
I don’t want to glide
But commit suicide

The liars grinning
At my tires spinning
Increase their sinning
Once they know they’re winning

Dragons fly
In the sky
Passing by
My passive life
They look down on me
Their talons I flee
But fire they breathe
Scorching me deep

I once had you
Now I have them
I’m stuck in glue
That is their phlegm