What I hate about myself
That is so pathetic and weak
That I despise so much 
Is that you can yell at me 
Call me names, throw lies
Throw all the trust back at me
Even hit me, scratch me 
Make me hurt and cry
Make my heart beg 
Make my voice loud
You can do all those things
Yet I know **** well
The moment we both 
Finally grow quiet and calm
The moment your golden eyes
Look upon my eyes, my soul
What I hate about myself 
Is that I would still love you
I would love you wholeheartedly
Through the pain and anger 
The guilt, regrets, wounds 
I will still love you through it all
Even through gritted teeth
Even through running tears
Even with a broken heart 
I will still love you through it all

One More Shot.

One more shot,that should numb the pain
One more shot, then I won't feel insane,
Just one more double on the rocks with ice,
Maybe then I won't feel so miserable,
Maybe I'll be nice,

One more drink to take the hurt away,
One more shot to keep the demons at bay,
One more double with a dash of lime,
Maybe if I'm lucky I will forget the past and
not travel back in time,

Bottoms up, cheers, salute,
Just one more drink,
Maybe now I won't think...think...think!!
One more shot before I loose my mind,
Just a single this time, I am falling behind..
Who am I kidding?! One more shot!!
I will have another drink and lie when
people say I seem to be in a bad spot

One more shot before I pass out only
to wake in the morning light
One more drink so my memories fade and I can have some sleep tonight,
Why can't I stop??!! I am not done!
To hell with it! One more shot!!
Don't tell me I have options!
I was given none!

Finally the last shot!! Make this one stiff and
Destructive please?!
I need just one more drink maybe then
the pain will ease,
Stumbling over my feet, Reaching my bed,
The world is spinning, my whole
body feel like lead,

Maybe one more shot was
one shot too many,
Was it the bourbon, the ***
or the tequila??!!
Wait did I have any?!
Self loathing and then anger,
and sadness and fears,
The emotions surge through me,
I fall into a deep sleep
drowning in my tears..

Tomorrow will be a repeat
of what I did today.
One more shot hoping it
chases the hurt away
©️Lolla Smith

The voices that I used to hate

That berated me, hated me

Filled me with doubt and fears

Depressing, anxious tones

A chorus made of a broken soul

At least those voices of mine

Tell me that they love me still

After what you've left me as

You sit beside me
like a flame behind glass,
close enough to warm,
too hot to touch.

There is softness in you,
but I’ve learned
it’s not mine to hold.
It lives in the quiet between gestures,
a half-turned head,
a question swallowed
before it breaks the surface.

I memorize the way you sleep,
not because I’m afraid you’ll leave,
but because I know you already do,
in moments,
in silences,
in the way your body curls away
when you dream.

You love me
the way the moon loves the sea:
constant,
but pulling.
And I pretend not to feel the tide
dragging pieces of me out
just to reach you.

Sometimes I think
if I could just hold your name
long enough
in my mouth,
you’d remember what it felt like
to be held.

But I don’t say that.
I just sit beside you,
smiling soft,
while all this beauty aches inside me
with nowhere to go.

she keeps one finger on the steering wheel
some of the time, a half *** deal
she speeds because she’s perpetually behind
but deep down at the back of her mind
should an accident just happen to occur,
this would ensure that she would not recur.
should cancer take her body as its host
her reaction would perhaps be more positive than most
for no one would reason her apathetic bent
the why, when she would not opt for treatment.
she danders in storms because she would rather like
to be the victim of a lightning strike
she knows it’s selfish but
she can’t help but wish
there was a collateral free option to cease to exist
all she wants is to simply fade
to softly escape the mess of life she made
it ebbs and flows, the urge to act is tidal
hence why she is termed; passively suicidal

sometimes i let go of the wheel

I just wish
One morning
I'd wake up to his trembling voice
Saying
It was all a lie,
I've loved you all along.

Bt I don't know
If that day will ever come.

Still
I hope
Still
I pray
Still
My heart
Keeps yearning.

pleading,
crying,
begging—
wanting to be heard.

watching, writhing,
burning in agony.
dreaming a nightmare,
hugging solemn innocence.
aching—
in despair, in desire.

once an angel of life—
now a demon of death in disguise.
her wings were torn, brutally,
and she couldn’t even scream one last time
before they threw her
off the landing.

nowhere to step, nowhere to stand—
barely able to sit,
and yet she ran.

kept running, far and farther still,
only to be pulled back
every time she thought she'd made it out.

they were always there.
watching.
waiting.
hoping.
to catch her,
to tear her—
hands on every part of her.

disgust piled with the blood in her mouth.
she scratched her skin,
tore herself apart—
knowing it’d hurt less
than being caught
by the counterparts.

and yet—
oh, look.
isn’t the moon pretty?

Some days I wake up in terror
The body would move if only the mind would
Send the signal
Feel safe enough to go on living
Those days I feel a cage in the shape of
My skin
Pushing inwards with so much force
I could become a black hole


Some other days I wake up vivid
Full of life
I can walk, run, lift
Smile
I can answer the phone
I can plan my days ahead
And the only thing getting in my way
Is a pain
In my lower back
That makes it difficult to make things fun
And a confusion
That makes it difficult not to wonder:


"𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦?"