He came


He told me I was beautiful
So I felt as if it were true

He told me I was smart
So I studied something new

He told me I was his
So to him I belonged

He told me he would never leave
But that’s where he was wrong

He left


He told me I was ugly
So I avoided my face

He told me I was dumb
So I thought it was the case

He told me I was nothing
So that is what I felt

He said so many things
I ended up overwhelmed

How could such beautiful words,
& such hate come from the *same?
I don’t know how he said it all
But I’m done playing his *game.

i quake to my bones
to my very core
i shudder and crumble
ashes to ashes
dust to dust

overwhelmed,
consumed
filled to the brim
the very thought of me
Screams you

the slinking corridors hide my addictions,
afflictions,
illusions, distractions,
my convictions
the mirrors reflect nothing
i am weightless, drifting

*ashes to ashes, dust to dust

I sense that this compulsion to validate feelings will soon result in some ****** collision.

My fists are tightening and I begin dig my nails into the soft flesh of my palms. I feel desperate for instruction tonight and my brain is sending signals to my fingers to form the words to send to DT for help. SOS! Danger! But it will not be allowed. I am frightened and afraid I will hurt myself, I want to reach out but I do not know how. So there is no reason to reach out, express my fear of SI tonight. I am not angry. I feel only fear and despair of being uneducated in the ability to handle the screaming and anguish from the parts inside of me. But there is no choice but to do this alone. At this point in the evening, I am unable to say what the signed treaty will be in the end. I do know the deadly arsenal to be used in this fight, this internal war, tonight.

I have no reason to stay here and endure the endless pain that exists each night. DT says, “Nita, stay in your body.” Um, why? That’s the LAST place I want to be! That’s where the HELL is, does not he get that? Geez – this “body” is possessed, and since he would not agree to an exorcism – I am moving out each night when the ghosts from the past come calling. And if the place does not burn down or bleed out, I will return in the daylight.

I would much like to find the “Nita of old” ~ but the tide has swept her out to sea, leaving me, the new Nita, covered in seaweed. The fundamental stress is still here but now an ache edges into the limits of my consciousness. I do not feel armed to face the girl I am supposed to meet and accept.

I feel past my prime. My subconscious pulls at my arms, whispers in my ear memories…bits and pieces of that young girl who was also named Nita. I try to look away but I see her and I hear her. She tells me that she is too sick to be healed. She is emaciated, listless, naked and cold. Her eyes are glassy, she is bleeding and she speaks of vanishing. You cannot save her and I do not want too.

This is what I am reduced to each night. Screaming, fighting girls inside of me who are all vying for control. I do not care which one wins, I am not sticking around tonight to find out.

Sometimes I am scared of how much I do not want to be here.

The eyes have it.
All three of them.
Spreading consciousness.
An egg cracking
With an encouraging moan.
The clash between personalities
To inherit the throne.
Hasty overthrow.
Short-lived lifespan.
Sedated again,
Chemically, internally,
Where did you go?
You're there.
You're inside of me.
Back in your egg,
Calling "come find me.
I'll come out and play,
And give you more meaning,
Daft, sedated you stay,
Until I come out and play."
How many nesting dolls
Does this egg have?

I hear some of you say
that I'm going crazy but
I don't give a first.
Give me something surreal at least
so I can buy it and go behind the shed
to smoke a cigarette.

Everyone's a combination
of happiness and craziness and
some would lose and some one win.
If you failed, remember
that every time you re-miss
you're hiding from your true self
in a real world.

Pretend you're happy, fine, cray,
totally out of control at times.
Start crying to the mirror
if you don't know what to do or say.
The art of living is in your head.

I hear some of you say
that I'm making them smile and happy but
I don't give a first.
Believe me, If i feel the same I'd buy you a hundred candles
and left 21 candles to be blunt
or give anything just to feel that
on my skin

I destroyed my body
for a peace of mind i never got.

It's amazing how at one point in my life
I will be extremely close with you and then
later you will become a complete stranger.
You passed me without a word,
without a single acknowledging look. But,
you were the person, who once knew me so well
that you knew all my dark secrets and saw me through.

You were the smell before the rain but
now you are the blood in my veins,
a heart without chains.