(Rant)

It’s weird how people who are in charge of influencing our futures grow tired of doing just that, then complain how we lack direction.

I’m calling out the teachers who stoped caring about the complexities each child has in their life, and instead of taking the time to understand and help develop their abilities and talents, they have their students to the bare minimum to make their own jobs easier.

This doesn’t have to be just teachers though, it can be parents too. The ones who never learned to heal themselves so their child grows up in the dark looking up to people who lead them down the wrong path because that’s the only way they can get the love and attention they want.

All around me, every day, I see them, lurking
Characters teasing me, praising me, staring at me, smirking
They're there every day, waiting, preying upon me, I'm their target
These characters of mine, I loathe them, they speak to me using an argot

Characters, they won't leave me alone, droning on and on in my head
I can't get rid of them, they'll never leave, each one I hope to shed
These characters most people call "voices," but that doesn't explain much
They hold onto me, suffocating me, they're a huge mental crutch

They're just holding me back, but I can't push them away, I hate it
Characters, I avoid and ignore them, but I share their pain, I'm a hypocrite
I despise them all, each and every one, I need them gone
These characters, these "voices," they're a "phenomenon."

Characters, such a repetitive topic, repetition is so boring
I hope I can keep this up a little longer, my abilities restoring
These characters limit the things I can do, I have a mental lock
I don't know how to express it, I might go into shock

I hope one day they'll leave me for good, they're such a pain
Characters I see, in the darkest puddles, and in each and every drop of rain
I can't ever get rid of them, they're here with me for life
These characters of mine will be with me, even in my afterlife

I believe I'm prone
to fear my unknown.

I experienced
and I wrote:

When I think of you I feel like I am going to cry.
Well, I don't cry
but my stomach decides to cave in and collide with some sort of fluttering that feeds into my lungs
my heartbeat turns into more of a tick

into my stomach a small rock is dropped
it rolls around at the bottom
slowly it gets hot
the heat spreads up my throat and across my chest radiating down to where my elbows meet the inside of my forearms
from there, the energy pulses to my fingertips
its like buzzing but with the addition of tiny little ******
I feel that in my wrists

The heat grows heavier on my chest
now I feel it a bit behind my eyes
my hands that pulsed now throb along with my thighs
now the rock in my stomach decides to put press up on my spine
it tickles in a way that makes me want to laugh to relieve the pressure

I laugh but laughing leaves me feeling winded
my esophagus now thinly coated with a foggy thickness
the word that comes to mind when I think of it is dread

my spine is now a magnet that my ribs want to meet
I breathe out
they sink back towards my spine, reaching for something
my breathing feels forced but at the same time I can't control it

my thighs feel warm and almost swollen
my feet are already cold
each hair on my head seems to gain a pulse
certain ones even feel electric
the stinging in my nose tries to curdle my expression
I try not to let it
but my nose wants my cupid's bow and my jaw wants the corners of my mouth

the rock shifts around again, renouncing itself
my ribs suddenly collapse causing my to inhale my own exhaled breath
the stinging in my nose rides up behind my eyes and

(this is where I usually stop it, often with speech or with another laugh
images carry away sensation
I place them back into those mental pictures of pastimes and things potential and things yet to come, replacing the label with "sadness" with "hope"

knowing now that the rock is just my heart, it finds its way back up to the tiny box where it beats on the walls, constantly trying to find its way back out

I remember that hearts do good
I remember my lips, only then do I realize that they had gone numb
I think of warmth

the stinging in my arms, the picks and the pulses in my fingertips
those are the only things I can't beat
the energy at the inside of my elbows goes back up to my chest and  hovers over my heart

the hovering feeling never goes away

but I remember this energy is mine to live with and move on)

but if I don't stop, if there is a sense of weakness to my day
I feel the urge to smile almost
the burning in my eyes gets hotter, it usually comes in bursts
my vision turns to stained glass
the rock starts punching its way up my spine
my lower eyelids want to sink back towards my face, my eyebrows try to tie themselves in a bow
I try not to blink

now
If I'm lucky, my eyes tear up
If I'm not, tears roll down

my stainless masterpiece ruined by a contorted, conflicted smile-frown

I feel air on my tears
I breathe out and remember thought

my hands want to hold
my arms want to hug
my lips are numb but they know jut as well

that the catalyst has come full circle on this one, love

Was a cold windy morning
December of 2018
The sky was grey wind fell with dead leaves.
Standing in the kitchen I watched
Saw my friend on her back porch.
Looking up at the sky the wind had whisked
Filled air with moisture the feeling was bliss.

She stood as the sky and wind blew
Blew air around her, and how her hair had flew
While watching I noticed her smoking a vape
How that vape cloud, clouded her face.

I could see her staring at that sky
As darkened blue and grey
Pelted around feeling awry  
She was looking up
Stuck within deep thought.

As though she was sadly deepened
Or felt happy with a sent of weekend thought
Did she stare up within a deep thought?

What was she thinking?
Was it Past or the present?
Happy or sadness the feeling I guess....
Was indifferent.

She turned to see me staring out
Staring from the door
located directly behind her
Right from her back porch.

She asked what I was doing
As I stated "I saw that she was thinking"
She started cooking
Cooking for her and her ******* the couch
Stuffed green bell peppers with rice
The smell had smelled oh so nice.

Still looking at her aloof
From a supposed statement found a drupe
Now I stood around
Lost in my own thought
A deep thought that could only be found
And found it was not.

She was sitting there with her girl
The girl located beside her,
The ******* the couch.
And she smiled as she ate
Looking at her girl I could tell
That they had felt great!

As they finished eating; her girlfriend
Also my friend pine who had started smoking
Watching again from that back porch
That dark grey sky had turned so white
And As the snow fell, I felt a devilish delight.

Snow fell like marbles in the sky
Only deapend my thought and left me open
I could only look up to see the sky
To which the marbles dropped
And I could feel the smile
That she had felt; I guess I was feeling denial

It was a feeling of the season
Tis of joy with a Christmas feeling
Though it was cold I had felt warmth
Warmed by my deep thoughts
From the heart came the swarm
Of past and present

Seasons greeting and tis the seasons
For my friends and family
Deep thoughts were all but pleasing
Only I could tell from the distance
Of blood family and old friends
And for this I had felt greedy.

Still stuck within deep thought
The day would get better as sure as I thought
And it will because of the Christmas season
Yet for all of my dreaming
Did I feel beseeching from endless trots
And to **** the silence
From all of my deepest thoughts...

"It is equally as important to know useless things as those deemed useful. . .for the ability to skip learning the futile, to show to others how, is as insightful and beneficial as knowledge is to be gained."

A tree stands
In an empty field.
Stripped of its clothes
It bears the wind alone.