i try to block out the noise
with more noise,
and yet I am still drowning in it all.
i am sinking, and god,
somebody please help me
(i am finally reaching, and still there is no one grasping my wrist and pulling me out)
i am ready to be told that
i am  w o r t h y
of so much more
than the sadness that wraps it's claws
around the base of my neck, tugging.
dragging me down, down, down
“ i am ready ”
the words are uttered into the dark of my room when the thoughts turn ****** and red.
“ i am ready ”
and my heart beats a violent rhythm to these words and
i am ready, so please, if You are out there,
send help.

I AM READY ( to be more ).

the silence and the noise blur into a deafening void that consumes me.

Looking at the world
through sunglasses,
the brown tint of a polaroid photo.
I hear nothing but
the wind in my ear creating white noise,
blocking everything else out.

"It's not for anxiety," they said, tightlipped but concerned,
they don't understand that I can't pay attention if my heart beats louder than my words,
The sound of my thoughts coming at me like trains and bike and buses,
honking at me to say something articulate,
is much louder than their confused voices explaining that the blue pill is to stop the jitters,
but I've got other issues.
They don't see that there is a tea kettle bubbling in my stomach that shoots hunger through its long nose,
in shrill whistles that pierce my insides.
It's all I can hear when the TV is on and I haven't eaten.
But that little chemical spreads inside me like a blanket of silence, quells the screaming children
and the little girl constantly tugging at my heartstrings,
making indiscernible chords that only
echo as the sound of jealousy, fear and self loathing.
She tucks her self in and keeps her hands to herself for a few hours.
As the blue devils shovel more coal in the bed warmers,
the sound of metal clanging is muted by their powers.
Chipping away at the noise makers, the inhabitants of my tortured soul-
I love the empty I feel on adderall.

It was on those sleepless nights
When I was alone with my thoughts
That I realized
Noise is not just sound
Because silence can be the most defeaning.

How strange it must be,
to live in the countryside -
to fall asleep to the sound of crickets under your window,
and bullfrogs croaking in the creek.

So far from the sirens -
the Los Angeles Screamers -
tearing through the floodlit nights,
picking us off, one at a time,
huddled in our houses,

alone, together.

I’m screaming your name
but no noise comes out.
The air is suffocating
Walls are crashing down around me
I'm lost in this world
It's moving so fast.
Just Blurred lines
solid figures.
I need you to hear me