i have become
a worm
so many times
falling victim to my own
mistakes and poor choices
and allowing myself to shrivel up
into something pathetic
and ugly

i have been told
and convinced i’m worthless
that i can’t do it
on my own
and i keep
becoming
that little worm
over and over again

the prospect
of building a future
scares me much more
than the idea
of death

i haven’t given up yet
but the dark thoughts
are consistently swimming
around in my weary head

somehow,
you see someone
worth saving
you see past the ugly
and help me to realize
that there could be
something better for me
that maybe i can do it on my own
that maybe i have a chance
to actually live for once
instead of just existing
i’m going to keep clicking
my heels
until i find
myself a home

there is a lot
i know
i could give
if i allowed myself
to want
to live

but i tend to be
much more of
a teaser
than a pleaser
i want to be loved
but am too
afraid to let
anyone in

my body is a nightmare
it scares me
more than anything
i have hated it
for as long as
i can remember
dating back
to when i was just a child
with self harm
being contemplated

my biggest fear
is being seen
i am so ashamed
of me
that i
always compare myself
to everyone else
i could possibly be
raised on self loathing
and insecurity
never learning
how to find
my own
body positivity

i often feel ugly
unwanted
and unworthy
of anything
but the pathetic
little existence
that i’ve enclosed myself
within
i wish i could cut off
all my skin
take out my innards
and build myself again

but
a needle and thread
couldn’t reconstruct my head
yards of yarn
couldn’t crochet
my crooked mind
and smile
away

it would take more
than shiny buttons
to spruce me up
because i’m
******
and
i forgot what i was saying
before my honesty got lost
along the thought
process
of the things
i try to confess
before the drinks wear off
and i’m back to square one
trying to find my way
to the top
of the bottom
which is
where i’ll
likely
stay

i am only
just pretend
like an
imaginary friend
there is a me
somewhere
that exists
but i don’t think
anyone has
ever been
introduced to her

i play games
with myself,
with strangers,
friends,
lovers,
with family,
coworkers,
and others

i don’t take
anything seriously
and it eats away
at my stability
it tramples me
with insecurity
and keeps stimulating
my curiosity

i’m like a cat
waiting for something
bigger
and better
to **** me
but looking at my watch
time never stops
and none of these
******* got
bigger *****
they can’t get this crazy
**** down
long enough
to set their clocks
they just keep
******* and wishin
they could touch the scars
i have gotten
from all the times
i’ve reached up
for the stars

yeah, i’m really ****** sick
and i don’t know what to do with it
i could let it break me
or let it take me
where i really
want to go
up high
down low
back and forth
to and fro
i’m gonna puke
i think i’m dead
where’d i go?
which way is home?
where’s my mind?
what’d i do?
oh ****
oh no

connecting with you
on this level
of openness
has really helped me
to learn
and relearn
a lot of things
about myself

i have tucked away
so much
to try
and fit
into
the lives
of the people
i’ve loved
over the years

whether friends,
family,
or partners
i try to be open
in the beginning
and if i really
like the person
and they seem offended
or turned off
by something
i mention,
i usually weigh the decision
of whether to keep
the person
or
keep the habit

but it’s so different
with you
we’re just
two freaks of nature
who seem to click
in the weirdest
and most fun ways

even when
we tell each other
really ****** up ****
it doesn’t send
the other running

if anything
i feel like the ways
we’ve been able
to open up
have brought us
way closer together

it’s now
or forever
or something

i dunno, babe

i’ve been drinking

****, i love you

but what am i thinking?

covered in confusion
and blinded
by excitement
trying to find
the middle ground
between
complacency,
enlightenment,
and
always
being frightened

it’s crazy to
think
about
how much
yet
how little
i’ve seen
and done

to think about
how much better
or
worse
i could’ve
become
but where’s the fun?
that **** is gone
it’s charred
beyond
well done

now is real
and here’s the deal
this is how i feel

let’s be us
and don’t fuss,
i just mean
you be you
and i’ll be me
the we
we’ll be
will not
keep us
from being free

but we can
make new mistakes
to share
we can know
each other
if we dare

we can be there
when the other
needs someone
to care

and when
the day
shines
its light on us
when we
look into
each other’s eyes
with your face
next to mine
i hope
we’ll flip each other off
at the same time
so we can laugh
again
about how
in so many ways
we’re the same person
but we could still
teach
each other
a few lessons

and if things
should worsen
i’ll be here
to listen to you cursin’
and however i can
i’ll help you
lessen your burden

freedom is what
we both seem to crave
i’m trying to take the steps
forward
i’ll try
to be
brave

and if you end up deciding
that this is all too exciting
and your current reality
is where you want to stay
and i don’t quite
fit in
to what you
have planned
today
i’ll stand back
and fade away

i just don’t
want to be
in the way

the street signs
are all blurry
and i’m not
quite sure
where i’m going
in such a hurry
but my brakes
are out of order
and i have no choice
but to
keep
moving
forward

right now
time only serves
to torment me

taking all the best moments
and erasing them
a little bit at a time
until i can barely
recall the things
i used to care about

the world around me
is often
suffocating
making me feel
as if a boa constrictor
is squeezing
tightly around me

i have been crushed
into little
ugly
icky
piles of dust
because of my
inability
to avoid
falling in lust
and the amount of times
i‘ve left my heart out in the rain
it’s just layered
and coated
in rust

i am stuck
on repeat
like a skipping
disk
always taking
a risk
when i find myself
getting too comfortable
then letting
all my progress
go to ****

my brain
is sometimes
kinda smart
but my heart
is the biggest idiot
which is why
so often
i try not to admit
the stupid ****
that hides
deep inside of it

the life i thought i knew
is crumbling beneath me
and i keep falling through
hitting each and every obstacle
that has found its way
into my existence
there’s no point
in showing resistance
i keep falling and falling
but i never
finish
going
the distance

i want
to see
the world
before i die

i want to
experience
all sorts
of adventures
and learn
to feel
alive

i spent
my early years
focused on trying
to keep
my mom happy
with me
so there’d
be
no dying

then after
years
being there
for my dad
when he
had cancer
and was really sick
he got better
but for
his mental
health
there was
no answer

moving on
to being
used
and
abused
by men
that were
far beyond
my years
and really good
at spreading
tears

to make me
feel worthless
as they’d
break me
into
a disgusting
pile
of goo

**** those
*******
*******
in my
young
adult
years
that tried
their best
to break me down
to
a
little
gummy worm

sour
yet sweet
but always
squishy
in a way
filled with
a sarcastic
but somewhat honest
lil ****
who thinks
way too much
to ever fully forget
what she
can’t say

and then
i stayed
with
and married
the only
decent guy
i ever
dated

no hatred
but we don’t
feel
the same heat
and the burns
we wish to share
are too
mild
and discreet
to be
hot
and sweet

i want to
move forward
with my life
and the feelings
in which
i’ve participated
but i get
so overwhelmed
thinking
about how much
will
go into
making
the changes
i want to

and it makes me
just feel like
giving up
because
i am trapped
so much
of the time

i won’t be
fully yours
as you’re
just
a little bit
of mine

and time…
yeah, **** time

sand drops
grain
by
grain
as my brain
grows
more insane
and my dreams
are all
of you
and how you’re
close
yet
so
*******
estranged