i wanna dream of outer space
of skipping rocks on starry lakes

i wanna balance on a cloud
while lightning strikes up through the ground

kiss my eyelids goodnight
and whisper secrets to the sky

watch it all float away
and disappear
as the willow branches sway
and the wind’s songs haunt my ears

i wanna dance on the moon’s face
and wave at all of you
from space
showing off my tiny arms
and proving time is just a waste

i
could
show
you
another world
or two

we could roast weenies on the sun
and show everyone
just how far we’ve come

you always
get
my stomach
in
a twist

making my
innards
clench up
like a
fist

punching their
way
out
from the
inside

climbing up
out
of
my
throat
leaving
my
lips
dried

i'm so tired
of talking
to the dead
in my dreams

having conversations
in my head
with no one,
it seems

licking my
cracked lips
and rubbing them
raw
with my
callused
fingertips

hearing
the skin
as it rips
and falls off
in
little
bits

nothing is ever over
until the world ends

where one thing stops
another begins

and i hate it

i do

it makes me so sick
watching my clock
constantly
waiting for
the final
tick

but nothing ever ends
it just starts again

repeating in my head
making my heart
and brain
spin

it never
ever
ends

it only begins

my lips
fall right off
and my
severed mouth
grins

sometimes
i can't tell
if it's strength
or weakness
that keeps me here

it's something
i ponder
nearly every night
while
i'm trying
to fall asleep

never afraid
of the dark
but terrified
of the light

holding
and gripping
ugly memories
tight

sleep happens
but i never feel
rested

the vessels
in my eyes
fill with blood
as i attempt
to rub the tears
away
and the salt
tears up my skin,
making it pink
and raw

i've attempted
to heal
with pills
and doctors
who ask me
how
i
feel

but how
do you
explain
the unreal?

that your mother
tore your heart out
and stomped
with her heel

and your
father
blew his brains out
without
telling
you
how
bad
he
feels

i'm left
humming tunes
to songs
that don't exist

while
trying to forget
the memories
i missed

doing my best
not to get ******

but, ****

what the hell
am i
even
still doing here?

between
the lump
in my breast
and
all
of the things
about myself
i detest

it's no wonder
i'm always
in a state
of unrest

and why
nowadays
it's so hard
to think
about ***

**** this mess

like my life
didn't
have
enough stress

but now
i'm truly
being
put
to
the
test

i digress,
i
always
feel
pain
in
my
chest

i'm obsessed
with
the feeling
of
being
depressed

and
even
medicated,
i'm still
always
distressed

writing
is the
only way
my thoughts
are expressed

but even
through my pen,
my
pain
manifests

and
there
seems
to
be
no
end
to
the
times­
i've
confessed

i
would
end
it all
now
if
you
voiced
your request

if
only
i
could

decide

what
is
best

sometimes,
i wonder
if
you love me

or if
you just
put up with me
for
convenience sake

pushing away
the
distractions
i make

and ignoring
all the chaos
i create


and i
don't mean
to
be a burden
to you
with all of the
stupid
things
that
i
do

but i'm
so
disconnected,
coming unglued

peeling away
rotted pieces
of myself
and
attaching them
to you

and you
are doing everything right
i'm the one who's
****** up

taking away from
all we are
and telling myself
i'm not
enough

and
it wouldn't be so tough
if i could
just
take
the blame
and grow up

but here's the thing,

i just keep getting worse

no
matter
how
much
i
try

no
matter
how hard
i rehearse

my tongue is swollen
from all the times
i've tried
to tell you
how bad
i really feel

there's part of me
that always thinks
i
can heal

that the misery
i constantly
live
can't be real

but there
doesn't seem
to be a
point to any of it

i have a head
full of nightmares
and a heart
full of dreams

and
none of
this life
is
ever
what
it seems

you can
clearly
smell blood

you're like a shark

sniffing out the weak
looking for a way
to make
your mark

who do you think you're fooling?
mister "nice guy"

with your predatorial ways
preying on the weak
and trying to harpoon
your way
into my heart

as
if
i'll
even
bat
an
eye

i'm afraid
i'm not that sad
i'm not that lonely

writing is a way to
let out
the pain

not something to
bring you closer
to me

i don't want
anyone
close

in fact,
don't come
any closer

all my alarms
are going off

and i
don't think
i
could feel
much grosser

there was
a time when
i craved closeness
but i'm left
feeling
isolated

i have
done this
to myself
because of the
people
that i've
hated

but i'm more hurt
from the love
i've lost
than the love
i've
pushed away

i would trade you
all
so my dad
could live
another day

but he chose to die
and before long,
so might i

because who wants
to live
with
constant
tears
in
your
eyes?

i feel
it's easier
to start
with goodbyes

no,
i never made it
to jupiter
i didn't
even
make it
to mars

i never reached
high enough
to grab the moon
i never got
singed
by any stars

i've traveled
a few thousand miles
yet
have still stood in place

never quite made it
to the sky

never
drew a smile
on my face

these toes
have been
set in tar
never meant
to leave
these feet

never meant
to run too far
set and
stuck
into one street

memory lane
can really
drive
a girl
insane
no matter
how far
i try to go
i'm not
allowed
to leave my brain

even if
i made it to jupiter
even if
i touched
the stars
it wouldn't help me
to forget
it wouldn't minimize
the scars

gravity
don't have ****
on me
and i
couldn't care less
about how much
you care
about me

i'm ******
no matter
which path
i may lead
so what i need
doesn't
really
matter
anyway
does it?

*******
and
****
me