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Arlo Disarray Apr 16
secrets aren't secrets
unless they're kept confidential
i'm getting tired
of being hired
just to give up
living up
to my potential

my rhymes are old
but don't ever try
to hold
my pencil

your arms are too weak
and you'd only
stay inside
the stencil

can't you see
none of this is good enough for me?
i can't be satisfied
as easily
as you want me to be

i'm sick to my stomach
from spinning around
trying to keep
all my word ***** down
living most of my life
inside my head
because i'm too afraid
to pull any stars
down
from the sky
and i'm too stupid
to ask myself why
Arlo Disarray Apr 14
i don't know anyone
who drinks
like i do

discretely taking it in
little bits at a time

no one ever notices
because i'm never drunk

i'm just keeping it steady

keeping a constant level
of alcohol
in my bloodstream

i knew one person
who drank
the way i do

but he died
many years ago


i used to buy him *****
when he was too drunk
to go to the store
for more
because i knew how he felt
when he didn't have it

i feel like because of that,
i contributed
to what killed him
in the end

and i know
i'm playing the same game
and that he
and i
were dealt the same hand

never enough to win
never quite
bad enough to quit

self medication
doesn't work
but neither has
anything else i've tried

one day i'll die

but for now,
i'll drink
and i'll cry
Arlo Disarray Mar 27
in rare moments
i'm
a ray
of sunshine

some might
see me
as some
sort
of clown

but
most of the time
my mind's
stuck on
a rhyme

and i just can't keep people around

quite often
i'm outgoing
and silly

i can
make
most folks
pretend
to laugh

but inside,
i have cried
"please, just **** me"

contemplating
taking
my toaster
in the bath


i drink
too much
on more
than occasion

i spend
too much time
feeling blue

but the
sauce
is where
i seek inspiration

and without it
i wouldn't
know
what
to do

i've etched
words
in
my walls
with my nails

when
my pen
had run
all
out of ink

i can't hide

sadness
always
prevails

and
takes over
the
thoughts
that
i think
Arlo Disarray Mar 27
i
  want
you
  to know,

i don't
  pull
my hand away
  when you
try to hold it
  because
i don't love you

it's because
  i don't want
anything

to
  stop
me

from

   f
    a
      l
     l
    i
      n
         g

          off
      
    the edge

      when

   i'm ready
i hope my husband understands how much i love him, even with how flawed i am and how much i struggle with my depression.
Arlo Disarray Mar 27
at this point,
i have
no one
else
to blame
for the lack
of love
i feel
for
myself,
but me
my mom didn't love me, and my dad killed himself. but when someone does love me, i usually think they're stupid.
Arlo Disarray Mar 24
perhaps
my spine
is misshapen
like
the shady smile
of
the moon

and my pigeon toes
make my walk
look awkward
as i stumble through my life

i am not
one of those women
who has a graceful
step

i don't
float
like a feather

i plummet
like an anvil

i'm clunky

i'm awkward
and uncoordinated

short-legged
and
short-tempered

i am the little salty one

that stumpy
grumpy
gal
with the posture
of a woman
three times
my age

i hunch
and i crunch
because i am always
trying to hide my stomach
even when i'm paper thin

which just makes
my back look arched
and curved
but doesn't tuck
my chubby parts in

strangers often
assume i'm much younger
than i am

but my mirror cracks
when i look at it
and i can only
seem to see
the parts
of
myself
that i hate
body dysmorphia.

several years throughout my childhood, i used every birthday wish and every shooting star to wish it would help me be someone else. someone prettier, thinner, taller, cooler, happier, and more popular.
Arlo Disarray Mar 24
like
pieces
of
a puzzle,
the things
that
make us odd
are also
what
make us
fit together
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