Rivers surge throughout the valley
The grey of the clouds engulfs any light
But in a moment all is clear
And has calmed
Until again
The storm takes hold of the valley
An endless cycle of chaosity

Sometimes you change
And so does your mentality.
You ain't recognize your taste,
Unfollow pages, cause now they bring anxiety.

Sometimes you change
And not only location,
But also people that you place
Around yourself, it's called prioritization.

Sometimes you change
And ain't making same decision.
New choices you now make
Do set new course and clear your vision.

Sometimes,
I forget to breathe.

At all times,
My mind is a cesspool of
Whirling thoughts
Intrusive desires
Violent emotions

When it all becomes
Too much
Or
Too little

I stop.

Breathing,
That is.

If I’m suffocating
Dying of oxygen depletion
Writhing in decaying misery
As my brain shuts down,

I find silence.

Solace.

But then,
Comes the time when I must
breathe again.

Refocus my eyes,
Halt my blind stare into the void.

Resume my breath.

And smile.

For I know,
That if I’m gone too long
If I fall into the nothing

Then I might dissociate forever.

And there are far
Far
Too many beautiful things
To sacrifice
For peace of mind
And an
Empty head.

Commonality
The desire for belonging,
The need to run away from isolation
The origins of insensitivity

This is the mentality of the bully

What is normal is confused with
Desirability, goodness
Herein is the soul
Of the tyrant.

I miss it I miss who I use to be
I am not the monster depicted to be
This world is sinister but there are good people out there I like to imagine one of those people out there are me
Adopted to these trenches this is my habitat
We cannot control our lives as children and where we are forced to grow up at
All we can do it adapt to our surroundings as it molds up into who we are made out to be
The demons in my closet I try to keep locked away sometimes are able to gain control and get the best of me
Majority of you couldn’t walk a mile in my shoes let alone half a mile in my slippers
Strong willed but a lone wolf the wrong decision would get most of you in a world of pain if not killed
Crazy thing though I like the pain I like the animal I have become how do you explain pain to an monster like me who has become completely numb?
Chaos is my destiny
To bring hurt brings me joy
How to you make a peace keeper out of someone who only has one objective and that’s to destroy?

I fell off and got up.
I ran away and found more junk.
Nothing's ever fixed and corrected because there's always more problems than what you expected.
But will you understand?
Will you cope?
Or will the chains of past have the last laugh when you made a promise to say no more?

Can these patterns continue or will there be a change?
It seems to me you have an understanding,  yet you act so deranged and estranged.
It's worse than our lockdown,
Yet that gave me more answers then than now.
It's like finding the rhyme to orange and then more and more words begin to pour and overflow, overload, self implode
Then no more...

There's an understanding to our problems and it's like a conspiracy,
We fear it in theory but really is it worth believing?
It's not complex as you think,
But it's not as easy as turning off the sink.
We find ourselves fighting more with our thoughts than the ******* government on what we can and what we cannot.

Understandings cannot be prevented, so fly with it and seek more truth. Otherwise you'll be nothing more than a buffoon. And that's on you...

They say self care is a main
To prevent you from becoming insane.
So let me lie back and figure it out.

Might take a smoke to or two,
Just to help the view.
Let's dive in deep and think of the sneak leek we seek like in a Disney channel movie.
There's a party and we're down barely floor one.
Let's check it out.

These Sirens are blaring yet we all dance along.
It's something they're all used to dancing around.
Call it my song or call it my calling,
It's a ******* Siren Party.

Where or where have you gone?
It's been 3 months long enough.
It's time to be more than alone.
I'm not alone I got and him and I.
We party like nothing's gonna change.
Grab a cup, kick back, have a drink of the extinct.

There's so much banging at the door yet I dont bother to answer.
It's a party in here where nothing ever changes.
Not even the moves we make or the things we faced.
We're just more laced.

These Sirens are blaring yet we all dance along.
It's somethings they're all used to dancing around.
Call it my song or call it my calling,
It's a ******* Siren Party.

Don’t you get it?
I can’t stop
I can’t stop running it through my mind
Replaying moments every time
I’ve tried once, I’ve tried a thousand times
I can’t just stop

Don’t you think I’ve tried?
Every piece of advice is just adding salt to my wound
Cheer up, snap out of it, relax
Like I’ve never tried giving myself the chance

So understand,
My mind isn’t like yours
No matter how hard I try
The thoughts just seem to multiply

I can’t stop
I can’t snap out of it
All I ask is for you to understand it