Today I wear a facade
so you can't see my pain,
you won't know my loneliness
but my tears will still fall like rain


CS

The smiles you bring weren't the brightest
But they were sincere; I knew it best
Like thousand little stars in a dark night
Not too bright yet enough to shed some light

So when you finally built a mask of joy
Surprised I was, it felt like a decoy
The unwavering mask resembled you too much
Too much yet too firm and lifeless as such

Do you think this is all your journey to venture?
Seeing you smile in pain was a torture
The thousand little stars dimming with the dark
Were now thousand little scars; gone all the spark

I have watched you from afar to know it all
The mishaps and the pain where you suffer and fall
You have told no one of this side of yourself
But we're here to listen, if you mind do tell

This is not the end, remember this
You are not alone in this great abyss
We are here behind you waiting to be reached
For when you fall we'll get you back on your feet

We'll be venturing this darkness together
We'll bring back the little stars who faltered

I don't wear the mask anymore
But on occasion the demons come out to play
And paint my mind red
with embarrassment and whole hearted regret
The most ungovernable of emotions in your eyes
Watching the fall leaves drop in golden catastrophe over a river lost in the woods
Leftovers from the one time you were actually alive
How could I forgive myself for all the time wasted in the sad shadowy flickering light over my entire life
This beauty and this unimaginable music skipping time in my heart
The only part of the song you know forever repeating itself
whispering in your ear
until the words fall apart and you are left with ashes and pure jaw dropping love for the art of life
All I could do it stare at the sky and laugh
While the demons painted away into the long night
Wearing my mask for me, pulling my strings for me, Looking like me, talking like me and fooling everyone beyond all question
Including myself.

She's hiding behind makeup
But through her orbs you can see everything

A smile masked on her face
concealing the grief that poured
out of her face.

You're looking at
The mask that
you put on the world

I’m fine
is what you start to say
when you’re not, but
you’re sick of not
fine
And you
don’t want to be
             a
               downer
And you’re

sick

of having
to accept
advice
like
you just haven’t
thought
      to bother to try everything
yet.
       to
be
       fine.

And you’re sick

of explaining
every excruciating
detail
of your history
     and meds
     and procedures
     and life method

like you’re defending your
right
to make your own decisions

like you’re defending

that it’s not just

      ‘YOUR FAULT’

that you’re sick, it

    must be
       YOUR FAULT

Hey —

Have you tried:   ?

you must not have thought of that
yet.

I’m fine
  is because you need me to be
Because I am
       TOO SICK
ALL THE TIME

to deal with
     your hurt feelings

when you can’t

fix

me.

I’m fine <u>for you</u>

So I don’t hurt your feelings by
my feelings getting hurt when
I can’t just me honest that

   I.      AM.   NOT.   FINE.

without that being

        a crisis

for you.

Without you needing to come up
with a solution right then and
there to make me all better like

I don’t know how to
                                                                                         eat veggies
                                                                                               exercise
                                                                                [not **** myself]
                                                                                              try CBD
                                                                                             meditate
                                                                                 take time to cry
                                                                                                get rest
                                                                                  drink more tea
                                                                                [not **** myself]
                                                                                                 stretch
                                                                                 --hey, have you
                                                                                         tried CBD?
                                                                                it works for me.

And I –
    don’t want to be rude.
And I –
    hey, I’m here for
            you

So instead of being who I am
and owning my try, but

getting snippy when you’ve
beat me with your
good intentions
    and then
feeling guilty and attacked
and needing to take MORE time
to cry –
            I –
                      I’m fine.