I think it'd be better that way
Maybe I should just do it this time
No matter how hard I try,
I'm still not good enough
Not good enough for my friends
Not good enough for my boyfriend
I'm not even good enough for my own family
Maybe my brother won't resent me when I'm gone
Maybe my sister will understand that I was trying to help her
Maybe my boyfriend will realize that there was someone better.
I should just do it
Because no matter how hard I try
I'll never be good enough
To make the people I care about
I really don't think anyone would stop me if I did it. No one would find out until it was too late.
That's what I feel like right now
That's what I know I am to many people
Even to those who claim they care
I know that, eventually, to them
I'll be nothing too
I know they do
But what if everyone else changes
And I don't
I'll still be nothing
Or become nothing
To them too
Can you talk to me please?
I just need someone to listen...
I need help.
See, the scars on my legs are disappearing.
But I need to know... if that's a good thing...
If that's a good thing, then why?
Why do I feel the need to replace them...
with new ones.
Can you tell me why?
Please can you talk to me?
Never mind.... It's already been done...
How would you feel if you knew,
That January of last year I wrote a suicide note and nearly acted on it?
I'd like to know how you would feel.
I miss you, I really do
But you obviously don't want to talk to me anymore.
So what's the point?
It hurts, it really does
But I still hope for a "Hey how are you?" Every so often.
Sometimes I miss you so much it physically hurts.
But I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me anymore.
I just wish you would.
When I get into moods like this and I know it's really all my fault, I really do want to **** myself. But what's the point? You wouldn't reach out if you saw this anyway.
I think I'm starting to get bad again
I'm playing with my knives again
I like the feeling of the blade on my skin
I almost sure I'm starting to get bad again
I've picked one knife and used it
I've cut into my own skin more than once
Not deep enough to scar though
I'm definitely getting bad again.
I wrote this awhile back and figured it's time to publish it now
I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend from the start. I should have put down the phone and put in the effort to talk to you. I'm sorry you took me to another state for two weeks and it didn't seem like I was paying any attention to you. I did pay attention to you but when I did you were upset with me. I'm sorry that I was so scared of losing her that I nearly lost you. I'm sorry that while I was there it didn't seem like I was having fun because I was on the phone all the time. I really did enjoy being there with you and I'm very happy I got to spend your 18th birthday with. I guess I just wanna say sorry because I let a relationship get in the way of our friendship and I know it was wrong. Most of all I'm sorry that I'm too scared to apologize to you and that I wrote it here instead.
Thank you, thank you for giving me experiences and adventure that I can't have on the island I grew up on. Thank you for being one if my best friends throughout the years we've known each other and putting up with my crap. Thank you for understanding that this other person made me happier than I have been since you've known me. Thank you for being there to comfort me when all I did was cry because I couldn't figure out which boy I had a crush on and thank you for doing it again when the boy I had a crush on couldn't go to prom with me. Thank you for giving me more than one second chance to prove to you that I wanted to stay in your life.
I'm such a coward